Dating and INFJs

[CokeNut]

Are you kidding me? Sometimes I look at myself nekkie in the mirror and say to myself, "DAMN, I wish I was a man so I could do you!" LOL!!!!!!

LMAO!!! Atta Girl! ... now next time you see someone you want remember that you ARE the most beautiful woman in the room and if the object of your affection can't see that then he is obviously dense and not worth your time and certainly not worth any effort!

Jax ... stop daydreaming, get back to work :lol: TMD

 

[sriv]

... not very sensitive, are you..?

Ensign, I am 5'1" and 165 lbs and my heritage is plainly written on my features and endowments - (Puerto Rican/Spaniard/black with Arab thrown in for good measure) and I can tell you that the soul has not been born that will make me feel inadequate or any less desireable than other women. Are men visual? YEP! Do they all look for the same thing? Thankfully NOPE!

One of my dearest friends is a total american babe - skinny, light hair and eyes, big boobs and just the sweetest woman you want to meet - She has it all! She and I would go out all the time, and we both did pretty well in the picking up guys department. In fact we would love to go out together because there was never any competition, if a guy is attracted to me, he probably isn't attracted to her, and vice versa.

I truly believe that as soon as you start looking in the mirror and seeing yourself as beautiful, others will as well. When i get dressed up and throw on some make up ... look out! Even guys that don't usually date big girls are all over me because I am so convinced I am good looking, they start to think so too :mrgreen: Jax loves it because I will stroll my big ass into any bar, head held high, confidence oozing, and 34DDs shaping an excellent cleavage - male heads turn - and he just smiles and takes pride.

Too...much...information! :arrow: (this smiley will be the "I don't even know what smiley to put" smiley.)

 

[Kwistalline]

... not very sensitive, are you..?

Ensign, I am 5'1" and 165 lbs and my heritage is plainly written on my features and endowments - (Puerto Rican/Spaniard/black with Arab thrown in for good measure) and I can tell you that the soul has not been born that will make me feel inadequate or any less desireable than other women. Are men visual? YEP! Do they all look for the same thing? Thankfully NOPE!

One of my dearest friends is a total american babe - skinny, light hair and eyes, big boobs and just the sweetest woman you want to meet - She has it all! She and I would go out all the time, and we both did pretty well in the picking up guys department. In fact we would love to go out together because there was never any competition, if a guy is attracted to me, he probably isn't attracted to her, and vice versa.

I truly believe that as soon as you start looking in the mirror and seeing yourself as beautiful, others will as well. When i get dressed up and throw on some make up ... look out! Even guys that don't usually date big girls are all over me because I am so convinced I am good looking, they start to think so too :mrgreen: Jax loves it because I will stroll my big ass into any bar, head held high, confidence oozing, and 34DDs shaping an excellent cleavage - male heads turn - and he just smiles and takes pride.

Too...much...information! :arrow: (this smiley will be the "I don't even know what smiley to put" smiley.)

Awww, now, see, I thought this whole exchange rather endearing . . .

lol

Poor Sriv. You really are quite the prud, eh? That's just too adorable!! (don't kill me now, I'm offering a squishy huggle, purely big sisterly platonic, as usual!)

 

[sriv]

Poor Sriv. You really are quite the prud, eh? That's just too adorable!! (don't kill me now, I'm offering a squishy huggle, purely big sisterly platonic, as usual!)

Prude*, and yes.
Prudes don't do something as ungentlemanly as killing. :lol:
But I do want to start letting people outside my immediate family touch me voluntarily.

 

[Kwistalline]

"prude". The "e" got lost somewhere in my keyboard along with a few sprinkles . . .

Well, yeah, I guess you do kinda have to be able to allow voluntary touching for girlfriends and the like . . . or virtual big sisters . . . I hope you don't mind, I adopt everyone, eventually . . . Even Satya. :mrgreen:

 

[Shai Gar]

... not very sensitive, are you..?

What was insensitive about any of that? SERIOUSLY! I do not see it. I wasn't trying to be rude, I just didn't see it, and I dislike the word "race". I was offering solutions, not pats on the back and "there there's". That's what I do, I try to help rather than try to make people feel better.

Okay, so you're black (I assume you mean negroid), what's unattractive about that? A mate of mine (singaporean INTJ) and I were going through the various subspecies of humanity last night and came up with this list:
Light SkinnedAsian Girls = Extremely Cute and Gorgeous
Eastern European Caucasian (semite, caucasian mix) = UberHot
Western/Northern Caucasian Girls= Extremely Beautiful
Northern Mongoloid Girls (including Native Americans) = Goddesses
Polynesian Girls = Stunningly Sensual
Negroid Girls = Otherworldly Goddess Gorgeous
Oriental Girls (subcontinent) = Perfection

As for you being Hot right now... Pics or it didn't happen if you're shy you can email to shaigar@shaigar.org

 

[gokartride]

I'm usually the only person of my race for miles around and my race is about as far on the other side of the spectrum from American beauty standards.

Questions of relative "hotness" aside, I think this is a more central issue...being very different (and knowing the same) from the immediate demographic makeup where we live. This is plain tough, and I don't have a good answer/solution on how to get around it. It is always beneficial to have a good sense of self worth, valuing the things that make you special and unique but, let's face it, when you are not part of the status quo, trying to relate/fit-in with that status quo is hard at best, painful in general, and isolating/paralyzing at worse. Tough as this is, though, being untrue to yourself and compromising your own personal value would be utterly catastrophic!!!!

FWIW, I fit in fine appearance wise, but being an INFJ (tip of the iceberg) makes me a bit of an oddity where I live, too....and I feel it deeply. In reality though, everybody, no matter how conformed we are, is different.....different appearance, different temperament, different spirituality, different ethics, different family of origin....you name it. Maybe relating to a construct in which we see no one as "the same" may help.

Its always tough when dates are what you want and dates are what is hard to come by, though. I wears on even the noblest outlook. Best wishes.

 

[ensign_m]

I'm usually the only person of my race for miles around and my race is about as far on the other side of the spectrum from American beauty standards.

Its always tough when dates are what you want and dates are what is hard to come by, though. I wears on even the noblest outlook. Best wishes.

It does wear on ya after a while. Honestly, though, I rarely meet men whose company I prefer to a good book. Harsh, but true. I am more of a homebody, although in recent months, I've made great strides in being more social. It's just frustrating when I do meet a man I'm interested in, very rarely is the interest reciprocated (at least it hasn't been to date). I seem, more often than not, to be relegated to the "friend" category.

 

[Shai Gar]

Honestly, though, I rarely meet men whose company I prefer to a good book.

I got called gay for making that same comment about women

 

[gokartride]

Seriously!!! Random banter aside, my own company is more enjoyable than most of the ladies I meet these days!!

 

[Shai Gar]

Seriously!!! Random banter aside, my own company is more enjoyable than most of the ladies I meet these days!!

and no sex at all is better than having to suffer through their inanities

 

[sriv]

Seriously!!! Random banter aside, my own company is more enjoyable than most of the ladies I meet these days!!

ROFLMAO...I agree without hesitation.

 

[ulan_bat0r]

Seriously!!! Random banter aside, my own company is more enjoyable than most of the ladies I meet these days!!

and no sex at all is better than having to suffer through their inanities

you must be completely insane, just find better chicks. Its not that hard to find stunning girls that are great in both bed and conversation.

 

[Shai Gar]

Seriously!!! Random banter aside, my own company is more enjoyable than most of the ladies I meet these days!!

and no sex at all is better than having to suffer through their inanities

you must be completely insane, just find better chicks. Its not that hard to find stunning girls that are great in both bed and conversation.

Sure... In NORWAY...

 

[gokartride]

Sure... In NORWAY...

...and if you're very lucky!!! :lol:

 

[HenRick]

Plenty of beautiful chick in Brazil though..

Well I sort wish I had a girlfriend. I'm really tired of not having some one and show
all my love and care about without seeming weird (like around straight friends and family who I care about, but can't really show that type of love).
I'm just way to perfectionist. She would have to be fit(maybe not bulky but tone ) and extremely emotional. I would
prefer a ENFP....Maybe not my friend is one and it can get annoying .....maybe not with
a lady

 

[Brruceling]

Most importantly you need confidence. What are your flaws that can lead you to feel unworthy, and what are you doing to better them? Like many INFJs, I set absurdly high standards for myself, and only slightly less absurd standards for a mate. I constantly analyze and criticize myself, and have all sorts of insecurities spawned from my self-perceived flaws. I just have to remind myself that I am an all-around good person: I treat others with kindness and respect, which is the most important thing of all and makes most other "flaws" relatively benign. Remember that your self-perceived flaws are not necessarily flaws in the eyes of another person, and they may likely be more interested in your strengths or particulars of your personality they find appealing. Whether or not you are "worthy" is up to them to decide, so just try to remain confident and not obsess over what you can't control.

It sounds like you have a pretty good idea what you're looking for and what you're not, judging from what you said about spotting another person's flaws. Don't feel bad about it. Be picky. And patient. It's the only way for an INFJ to find a compatible mate. It is harder and takes longer to find someone because we are so picky, but it pays off eventually. There are plenty of people out there who aren't self-absorbed, shallow, uneducated, boring, or unmotivated.

And seriously don't buy into that crap about needing a particular personality type to complement yours. I have a great ENTP friend, but I could never deal with someone like him in a relationship! Compatibility comes down to a lot more minutiae than is defined within the scope of a personality type. I had a fairly lengthy relationship with an ESTJ which was healthy and fun for a long time, but in the end our values and beliefs were far too different to settle and I wanted someone I could be closer to. I'm currently with my ISFJ girlfriend of over a year, and couldn't be happier (in fact, I'm hopeful that I may have found the one)! We are extremely different in the way we think and process, so we sometimes run into trouble trying to discuss our unformed thoughts or decision making process, but this ends up being pretty insignificant to our relationship. I suppose perhaps because we are both IFJ's, we both spend a lot of time processing information to come to firm conclusions, and no matter how differently we get there we pretty much always come to the same conclusions! This allows us a very harmonious relationship in which we understand each other more intuitively than explicitly, a huge portion of our communication is entirely nonverbal. I love being with someone I can read and can read me so well that I feel just as connected and in sync with her when we aren't even talking.

 

[frozen_water]

Most importantly you need confidence.

ugh! I don't think I've ever hated 5 words more than that phrase directed towards others, especially in relationships (go ahead Shai... I know you take that as a challenge...). I don't know about older people... but in the younger generation (college-ish age now) there's a natural gravitation towards people who know their flaws. Ever see the series Scrubs? Very funny show, but what sets it apart from the other comedies is a surprising amount of depth and very flawed characters. The series is built on weak people fighting different insecurities struggling against life. My theory is that it's popular because it's a little bit more realistic than other comedies in that way. Everyone wants different things... I know at least one (very lovable) guy who takes much more to girls who need major help internally. If you radiate confidence where none exists, you just end up attracting the wrong kind of people (not that I would recommend getting into a relationship with someone who wants to help you, not by a long shot, but aren't you far better off with someone who knows your faults and says "well ok then..."?)

man I hate culture...

 

[Brruceling]

Most importantly you need confidence.

ugh! I don't think I've ever hated 5 words more than that phrase directed towards others, especially in relationships (go ahead Shai... I know you take that as a challenge...). I don't know about older people... but in the younger generation (college-ish age now) there's a natural gravitation towards people who know their flaws. Ever see the series Scrubs? Very funny show, but what sets it apart from the other comedies is a surprising amount of depth and very flawed characters. The series is built on weak people fighting different insecurities struggling against life. My theory is that it's popular because it's a little bit more realistic than other comedies in that way. Everyone wants different things... I know at least one (very lovable) guy who takes much more to girls who need major help internally. If you radiate confidence where none exists, you just end up attracting the wrong kind of people (not that I would recommend getting into a relationship with someone who wants to help you, not by a long shot, but aren't you far better off with someone who knows your faults and says "well ok then..."?)

man I hate culture...

Confidence is knowing and being comfortable with your flaws, not pretending you don't have any. That's arrogance.

 

[frozen_water]

Nah... arrogance is if you really think you don't have any. I agree that confidence is knowing an being comfortable with your flaws. Knowing your flaws and acting like you don't have them, however, is hypocrisy.

I may have misunderstood you... but telling someone who asks about dating and wonders "how does an INFJ not obsess about their faults" "you need confidence" will be interpreted 9 out of 10 times as "you need to portray confidence despite your insecurity." Perhaps Satya knew what you meant better than I did, though.


On a side note Satya, since I realized I never really responded to this topic... the only thing I can really help ease your mind with is that a great number of people obsess over their faults and insecurities, regardless of type. I know an INTP (that'd be myself, obviously), two ENFPs, an ISTP, and three ESFJs who have gone through periods of pretty intense times of doubting their self-worth... and they're just the ones I know about. I don't think there's a type correlation at all... it's just humanity.