Dating and INFJs | INFJ Forum

Dating and INFJs

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Satya, May 18, 2008.

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  1. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    Yeah, so how does that work out? :?

    For me, not so much. :oops:

    Something about being assessed as a possible suitable mate makes the whole experience incredibly unpleasant. How does an INFJ not obsess about their faults and insecurities? It's made even more unnerving by the fact that you are also suppose to be, in one way or another, assessing someone to be a suitable mate. I feel pretty bad when I begin spotting a person's flaws, or when I realize that I'm more flawed than them and thus come to the conclusion that I'm inherently unworthy.

    Fantasy is so much better than reality when it comes to romance.
     
  2. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    How are you even able to spot flaws? Something in myself that may appear to the masses as insecurity might simply be trying to start up a conversation while musing on another topic I'm finding hard to comprehend. Lewdness might merely be remembering a finishing masterstroke of wit where the opponent was trying to win, getting a smirk on our faces while looking at you...
     
  3. OP
    Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    The flaws become apparent in conversation. For example, if I notice somebody loves to talk about themselves far more than listen, then I will find that to be a big turn off. If it is apparent that they aren't looking for a long term relationship or friendship, then I usually don't find myself attracted to them. If they seem preoccupied with their career, appearance, or possessions then I will often find them to be shallow. If they demonstrate that they are significantly less educated than me and thus can't discuss issues that I find interesting, then I'll find them boring or tedious.

    I have found the biggest turn off is if they have no aspirations for the future. There is nothing more unattractive to me than a person who has no dreams or ambitions. (At the same time, it is my biggest turn on when I do find someone with new and inventive ideas and big plans for the future.)
     
  4. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    So ENTPs are your biggest turn on :D
     
  5. OP
    Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    Of course, ENTPs are very attractive to INFJs.

    I believe the explanation is because INFJs want to save them from a lot of their flaws. And because they coincide with an INFJs skill perfectly. The ENTP has many new and interesting ideas, and the INFJ has the foresight to know if they will ever bear fruit and wants to help the ENTP succeed.

    As a male INFJ, however, I am faced with the difficult task of finding either a female ENTP (which is rare) or a gay male ENTP (which seems to be even more rare) so personality compatibility is low in my priorities.
     
  6. Motor Jax

    Motor Jax randomness included
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    you mean, in RL?
     
  7. OP
    Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    Is personality compatibility low in my priorities in real life? :?

    Yes.
     
  8. Kwistalline

    Kwistalline Permanent Fixture

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    Hmmm. Ditto. Not worth the effort, too much in life that is . . .
     
  9. veneti

    veneti Newbie

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    Well, if everyone just settled for looks more, rather than being so superficial and thinking about personality matches, we wouldn't have all these problems.

    ...lol.
     
  10. Guest

    Guest Guest

    I will admit that dating an INFJ is harder than I would have thought, but its worth it. For me the hardest part (especially now that i am far) is the introversion and the lack of verbal comminucation. He tries to talk more, and I try not to badger, but we don't always succeed :cry:

    INFJ/ESTP is not an easy match and if our relationship were built solely on compatibility, we would not be together. Its a lot more than that. Its a connection, even though we have absolutely no clue what drives the other (not sure if that makes sense but it is what it is, lol). And its a connection to each other's children. My son (16 yo) is very much like him and thinks he's great. That makes a difference because when you have kids, not only does your mate have to be compatible with you, but with your kids as well.

    TMD/MJ :mrgreen:
     
  11. batumi

    batumi Newbie

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    Heh. I am dating an ISFJ right now. Try that for introversion.
     
  12. gokartride

    gokartride Community Member

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    I'm generally pretty talkative/friendly/open but, beyond that, it really takes a good bit of time to get to know me. Not that I'm all that different from what you'd see at first glance in an everyday sense, but understanding me as a more whole person and understanding how we might be compatible is a longer process. Believe it or not, here in suburbia, some folks seem in a big hurry to tie the knot and get on with it....I just can't in good conscience move that quickly, probably because the meaning and depth of that kind of love (serious relationship/marriage) is very important to me. That seems fair, right??

    Because I (for better or worse) don't exactly fit the more typical dating model in my corner of the world, I wind up with a lot of good, somewhat close friends which seems to be a reasonable platform to enter into something deeper should some sort of connection take place. That's the logic I've been working with anyway. It may be flawed....I haven't been on a formal date in 10 years. As I said, though, I do hang out w/ people a lot, so I'm not that isolated.

    I'm not real hung-up on my own faults and not much on the faults of another either....I just look at compatibility. People are all so different, including me...and I know it!!! My uniqueness isn't a fault at all (it's great!!), but it is sometimes more than the "let's get drunk and go out dancing" crowd may be prepared to undertake.
     
  13. ensign_m

    ensign_m Newbie

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    I'm actually not that insecure about who I am as a person, except in one area--my looks. A lot of it stems from the fact that I'm usually the only person of my race for miles around and my race is about as far on the other side of the spectrum from American beauty standards. Add that to the extra weight I carry with me daily (although I carry it well) and as fantastic as I think I am (smart, funny, creative, etc., etc., the list of my manifold perfections goes on and on ;) ), the constant reminders of how visual guys are and the knowledge that I don't quite measure up to my society's standard of beauty make me feel insecure. I have this guy friend who's got what seems like a fetish for Japanese/Asian women and his comments make me feel inadequate in my womanhood sometimes. *Note to self: talk to guy friend about comments*. Anyhoo. I've been told that we're late bloomers. I am anyway. I'm 31 and have yet to have been on a date or in a remotely romantic relationship with a guy. Sad but true. :cry: Waaaaaaahhh!
     
  14. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    What subspecies of Homo Sapiens are you? Yes, we're very very visual, but you don't look so fat that taking 5 months out and doing cardio + changing diet would not completely reverse your situation. As has been mentioned, you look slightly like the woman from 3rd Rock from the sun, she's attractive. Work of the fat and you'll be hot.
     
  15. Motor Jax

    Motor Jax randomness included
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    ... not very sensitive, are you..?
     
  16. ensign_m

    ensign_m Newbie

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    Thank goodness I only have brothers who helped me develop a thick skin long ago. Sheesh. ;) Otherwise I might be crouching in a corner right now....
     
  17. ensign_m

    ensign_m Newbie

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    :?
    Shai-- I'm not the person you're thinking about. I'm decidedly black (African-American, as they say over here) and look NOTHING like the woman from 3rd Rock, LOL! :D As for working off the fat, I'm hot right now! ;)
     
  18. CokeNut

    CokeNut Community Member

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    OMG babe, I can't believe that I'm going to say this ... Shai may not have phrased it well, but damn-it if I wasn't thinking the same thing ... and you already KNOW that we ExTPs are not very sensitive unless we love you (and even then its questionable).

    Ensign, I am 5'1" and 165 lbs and my heritage is plainly written on my features and endowments - (Puerto Rican/Spaniard/black with Arab thrown in for good measure) and I can tell you that the soul has not been born that will make me feel inadequate or any less desireable than other women. Are men visual? YEP! Do they all look for the same thing? Thankfully NOPE!

    One of my dearest friends is a total american babe - skinny, light hair and eyes, big boobs and just the sweetest woman you want to meet - She has it all! She and I would go out all the time, and we both did pretty well in the picking up guys department. In fact we would love to go out together because there was never any competition, if a guy is attracted to me, he probably isn't attracted to her, and vice versa.

    I truly believe that as soon as you start looking in the mirror and seeing yourself as beautiful, others will as well. When i get dressed up and throw on some make up ... look out! Even guys that don't usually date big girls are all over me because I am so convinced I am good looking, they start to think so too :mrgreen: Jax loves it because I will stroll my big ass into any bar, head held high, confidence oozing, and 34DDs shaping an excellent cleavage - male heads turn - and he just smiles and takes pride.
     
  19. Motor Jax

    Motor Jax randomness included
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    *cheesily grins in a dreamy state*
     
  20. ensign_m

    ensign_m Newbie

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    Thanks for the kind words, CokeNut. Don't get me wrong..I think I'm gorgeous. Some days I can't stop staring at myself in the mirror. And quite frankly, I'm baffled by the fact that guys aren't that into me in general. So I think the difference must be in the perception, and that most American males' perception of what's attractive has been largely shaped by the media. And I don't quite fit the bill. I guess that's all I meant to say--that because I don't look like everyone else around here, I'm not deemed as attractive (I read recently that the features people find most attractive are the ones most familiar to them).

    Are you kidding me? Sometimes I look at myself nekkie in the mirror and say to myself, "DAMN, I wish I was a man so I could do you!" LOL!!!!!! :D :D
     
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