Conflicts Make You Explode? | INFJ Forum

Conflicts Make You Explode?

DeadlyPacifist

DeadlyPacifist

Regular Poster
Sep 17, 2009
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I hate conflicts. I hate conflicts between other people and myself, between friends, between parents, etc. I feel extremely stressed out if I'm put in a situation where there's conflict, especially if it involves me. I'm alright with handling conflicts over the internet, since it gives me time to formulate my thoughts into "civil" conversation, but in real life, I lose my cool really quickly if the other person is being unreasonable or says something that just pisses me off. Then, I start cussing and doing irrational things, because the situation forces me to respond immediately, therefore I'm just responding with passionate emotions instead of logic....and things don't end well.

I also want to cause physical harm, although this usually doesn't happen, and I just self destruct instead. However, if the other person strikes first........I can't guranttee I won't retaliate.

I'm not exactly proud of this quality. I know I should work on not using profanity, and remaining calm, but it's completely different when it's theory vs. actual real time experience.

How do you handle conflicts?
 
I am about to have a conflict with my roommate if she does not get off the phone soon.

If she is still doing this when I am in bed I will be pretty mad.
:m133:
 
I hate conflicts too, but on the exterior I appear to be enjoying them since I would usually smile at the other person and laugh at all the bs they're talking about. Then they become even more upset and walk away, hence I win.
 
more like implode. i shut down. people get irritated that i won't just talk about things when they happen. i usually have to process it, and THEN share. otherwise it's destructive. i usually go right for the jugular when i feel cornered, so i try to remove myself for a bit.
 
When there's ongoing conflict at work I find myself feeling suffocated and usually end up raging mad, quitting my job or getting sick or ALL of those things. I am no good with conflict. I especially hate it when people try to get me involved in it. Then I get to watch their stupid so-called wiley ways. If I told them what I really think, if they got an honest answer from me, I'm not sure they'd ever recover. So I try to remain mute but feel myself boiling up under the surface.
When people are being kind, fair, funny and hardworking I'm the happiest clam in the world. Unfortunately pettiness seems to be popular amongst the 'gals' I work with.
Sorry for going on an on lol
 
Nope, I like tackling conflict and kicking it in the butt.

A life without conflict is something you should be worried about.
 
I've put a lot of effort into learning to manage conflicts effectively because I used to just go off on people, especially my family. I can't say that I'm completely successful though, and if people push me hard I will lose my cool, start screaming, and in these rare but scary as hell events (especially for the other person) I experience blind sight because that is how the adrenaline in my body works.

Mostly though if people are being insensitive or really criticizing me, I dodge it by saying stuff that is completely ridiculous.

But yeah, I'm the explosive type.
 
I actually used to not have any problem being confrontational with people, but through extenuating circumstances, I became afraid of physical confrontation, even if the person really poses no physical harm to me. So I wait. I still go back and deal with it, but I don't like to fight anymore.
 
youhemmein said:
I actually used to not have any problem being confrontational with people, but through extenuating circumstances, I became afraid of physical confrontation, even if the person really poses no physical harm to me. So I wait. I still go back and deal with it, but I don't like to fight anymore.
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Why are you afraid of physical confrontation? I fear any kind of physical confrontation, even getting tackled in a sport, because I always take in personally and have a really hard time controlling my response. If the person is insensitive about it, I literally want to kill them.
 
Heh. Umm...just...people can sometimes lose control and hurt other people. And I've had a couple of those people in my life. And because of a pain disorder, I'm terrified of being hit. Even just a poke in the ribs will have me crying for 10 minutes or better.

When I was 16 my parents and I had a fight. I was unruly, but not more than any other teenager. I also had undiagnosed Bipolar II disorder, which was causing a lot of problems at home. Anyway, my mom dragged me into the house from the back porch (over concrete steps) by my ponytail, and my dad twisted my arm behind my back and nearly broke it. I called the police. They told the police that I hit my mom, and I went to jail. I've never hit anyone back since then, even though I never really did it to begin with. A few years later, my dad had a bad reaction to some medication and lashed out at me, grabbing me by my neck and throwing me up against the wall. And last year, I had a fight with my brother-in-law. He came at me like he was going to hit me, so I started to walk toward him, my dad grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me against the door. I struggled to get away from him, and *accidentally* kicked him in the groin. He then proceeded to punch me in the face four times, leaving me with a black eye. When the police arrived, my brother-in-law became buddy-buddy with them, as he is in the military, and the police said that if they were going to take anyone to jail, it would be me. Because I kicked my dad. But I didn't mean to do that.

And then there's my estranged husband. I won't go into details about his behaviour, because it's still very fresh.

...I feel really exposed right now...I don't know how to answer your question honestly without sharing that, though. That's why I'm afraid of physical confrontation. I don't want to ever make anyone so angry with me that they would hurt me. That's probably not healthy. Also, I think it's important to add that my relationships with the various members of my family have been somewhat mended. My parents really are good people. My bro-in-law has spent the last year serving in Iraq and will be back next month.

I guess, in the end, it comes down to trust. When we can't trust the people we're supposed to be able to trust, such as our parents and spouses, it creates a sort of fear.

That's really enough of my dirty laundry. Sorry.
 
I hate conflict, and I actually never get in any. People largely just don't get mad at me, for whatever reason *knock on wood*.

However, as I have a basicly nonexsistant temper, I do not explode in conflict. If anything I get overly calm, I guess it is just my own way of dealing with it.
 
I can get very upset over very minor things, especially if I think the person I'm fighting with is being too dismissive, or doesn't respect or appreciate why I'm upset or try to understand my pov. This, more than anything else will get me annoyed and irritated, and I could "go off" as they say (but I rarely do). In addition to that, most of time, people think I'm overreacting, and so I'm rarely effective at accomplishing anything when I let them know that I'm upset. I'm an emotionally sensitive person, so they think that my being upset is always a personal issue, so although they may be the cause of the conflict, they're likely to think they've done nothing wrong, allowing me to take the wrap. So, snce I know confronting them won't work because I'm not very good at standing up for myself anyway, either I become resentful or passive-aggressive, hoping they will eventually see my side, but of course, these approaches rarely work.

Now, having said all this, I don't think seeing myself as a victim has helped matters much. I've learned over the last few years to let things go more often, and not take responses to hurt feelings as personally.

Problem with most conflicts, is that people don't take the time to consider both sides. They argue based on personal feelings, and assume their approach and perspective is the only one which is correct.

On the other hand, sometimes conflict is necessary, as it allows the real issue to rise to the surface.
 
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I try my best to avoid situations that can only result in conflict and from personal experience this usually occurs with people who have a short fuse. As for resolving such situations it depends on who's involved.. I don't like holding grudges so i'll always try to take the route that leads to harmonious agreement although there are some people that can't be reasoned with and cause discord for the sake of doing so. i've learned to ignore people like that since they're just desperately looking for conflict, however if they persist i'll react. Thankfully i've managed to steer clear of most people like that so far
 
DeadlyPacifist said:
I hate conflicts. I hate conflicts between other people and myself, between friends, between parents, etc. I feel extremely stressed out if I'm put in a situation where there's conflict, especially if it involves me. I'm alright with handling conflicts over the internet, since it gives me time to formulate my thoughts into "civil" conversation, but in real life, I lose my cool really quickly if the other person is being unreasonable or says something that just pisses me off. Then, I start cussing and doing irrational things, because the situation forces me to respond immediately, therefore I'm just responding with passionate emotions instead of logic....and things don't end well.

I also want to cause physical harm, although this usually doesn't happen, and I just self destruct instead. However, if the other person strikes first........I can't guranttee I won't retaliate.

I'm not exactly proud of this quality. I know I should work on not using profanity, and remaining calm, but it's completely different when it's theory vs. actual real time experience.

How do you handle conflicts?
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I see myself in this alot!!!
The only one who makes me explode is my mother. At first I try to be rational and sensible, trying to make her listen... But she never does so hell breaks loose and I yell and become agressive.
I literally feel the energy inside of me exploding!!
I want to cause physical harm too (but I never do) like punching her face untill she understands.

She is everything I cannot handle; She is passive-agressive, neglectful, ignores me, blames everything on me (even her life failiures) and brings up ANYTHING irrational i.e. old conflicts to make sense of the new one even though it may once have been solved...
 
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Pristinegirl said:
I see myself in this alot!!!
The only one who makes me explode is my mother. At first I try to be rational and sensible, trying to make her listen... But she never does so hell breaks loose and I yell and become agressive.
I literally feel the energy inside of me exploding!!
I want to cause physical harm too (but I never do) like punching her face untill she understands.

She is everything I cannot handle; She is passive-agressive, neglectful, ignores me, blames everything on me (even her life failiures) and brings up ANYTHING irrational i.e. old conflicts to make sense of the new one even though it may once have been solved...
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I have lots of violent thoughts throughout the day...either in phases or when I'm mad..o_O; It's really fun actually...*creeps away&

You know what's really annoying, is when you've tried really hard to become a better person, improve certain areas of your personality/life etc, and then someone is still not satisfied and picks on you for something else. For example, my sister would just bring up how I'm spoiled by my parents, and as if my life is a piece of cake. Uhh yeah...not true -_-. I might have some "luxurious" things that other teenagers don't, such as a laptop/car, but I never asked my parents for those things, and I definitely work really hard at school and other things...and when she just dumps that all away with "You're so spoiled," I want to hurt her. -_-

Oh yeah and bringing up past conflicts and stuff is so damn annoying. Most of the time, it's not even related to the current situation..and even if it might somehow be, we're focusing on what's happening NOW, damnit!
 
I have to control my rage every day and ya I have anger issues for sure.

I have been physically violent in my life and have caused damage... a fact that I am not poud of.

I know it started when I was young, like maybe 12 or something when I had finally had enough and just started to hit my father back because I just got sick of the abuse of power.

Ya I get pretty burned up when someone minimizes my feelings and my views regarding my feelings... if they dismiss them and call me a baby or something, then I want to kill them in putrid ways that would bring me no particular feeling at all while doing it, just sort of mechanical and dead inside. I hate feeling rage, so ya conflict really makes me either explode or implode, so it is important that I'm understood...
 
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Ria said:
Ya I get pretty burned up when someone minimizes my feelings and my views regarding my feelings... if they dismiss them and call me a baby or something, then I want to kill them in putrid ways that would bring me no particular feeling at all while doing it, just sort of mechanical and dead inside. I hate feeling rage, so ya conflict really makes me either explode or implode, so it is important that I'm understood...
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Definitely. I'm a feeling stuffer, so I lean towards imploding most of the time; internalizing all the overwhelming negative emotions that usually
make me sick afterwards (and no doubt the cause of several current health conditions) Physical conflict I cannot handle... my responses may range from lying on the ground and turning the other cheek, or going homicidal.
That's one thing I fear the most... what I'm actually capable of and not
knowing what will set it off at any given moment. For the past few years
I've been fortunate enough to avoid most of those confrontations, but the
hell of it is, my subconscious likes to find another reason to invoke a vehement response. In that case I'll likely take it out on an unsuspecting table or chair in the backyard.
:m051:
 
youhemmein said:
more like implode. i shut down. people get irritated that i won't just talk about things when they happen. i usually have to process it, and THEN share. otherwise it's destructive. i usually go right for the jugular when i feel cornered, so i try to remove myself for a bit.
Click to expand...

Same here. I'll get extremely quiet and refuse to state my opinion especially if it'll hurt their feelings or heighten the conflict. I'll curl up, think about it and then, usually some days later, I'll finally give a retort.

This has bothered and confused people.
 
Concede or recede if my ego is slighted. I'm a great deal more apt to involve myself in a conflict to defend someone else's feelings rather than my own. I care about my feelings, of course, I want to be respected: but I can handle it if not. I'm used to being alone anyway so cutting someone out of my life who disrespects me is the way I handle it usually.
 
alt ctrl del said:
Concede or recede if my ego is slighted. I'm a great deal more apt to involve myself in a conflict to defend someone else's feelings rather than my own. I care about my feelings, of course, I want to be respected: but I can handle it if not.
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Same here. Happened yesterday. Someone made a judgment about one of my best friends -whom they never met- based on a picture, and I flew off the fucking handle.
If they had said something similar about me, I would probably just cry. I'll take all forms of emotional abuse, but will NOT stand for people treating my loved ones badly.
 
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