Can an INFJ exist without a soulmate?
- Thread starter Lisabeth
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oh really? crazy, my wife is an INFJ, 9 with a 1 wing. your the only other i've come across (well, 2 or 3 guys on the web...but not a girl)
well, here, you are most likley one of the following two combinations then for your instinctual variant:
Sexual/Self-pres
The energy of the sexual instinct is at odds with the dominant type Nine energy and makes for a conflicted subtype. These Nines can appear to have a stronger connection to Three, for this reason. The assertive fiery energy engages in a constant push-pull with the calm peace-seeking energy of the Nine. This subtype can have an intense relationship with their environment. They are often drawn to solo sports or to an active engagement with nature that involves some risk and exertion. These Nines are drawn to peak experiences. They might enjoy outdoor solo sports or engaging in nature by way of hiking, rock climbing etc.
With the social instinct last in the stacking, there can be an on/off quality when it comes to relating and these Nines are often somewhat moodier than the other subtypes. As with the self-pres/sexual, this subtype might not engage socially with the same smoothness as other subtypes of Nine. They seem to go towards others in a staccato fashion - they connect in bursts, then withdraw.
When it comes to intimate relationships, this subtype can be needy. The merging of the Nine combines with the intensity of the sexual instinct to create a subtype that will always be in danger of losing themselves in a relationship. Their boundaries for themselves and their partner can become blurred which can lead to conflicts. This subtype might have a hard time judging clearly the degree to which they have merged.
Sexual/Social
This subtype of Nine may appear least like a stereotypical Nine because the outward sexual and social energies obscure some of the withdrawing and "zoning out" tendencies of the Nine. These Nines are the most connected and assertive of the subtypes of Nine, especially when it comes to relationships. There is still some internal struggle, as with the sexual/self-pres, but overall there is less of a tendency to withdraw. With the self-pres instinct last, this subtype can neglect self-preservationist needs in favor of the intensity of their sexual instinct's pursuits. Individuals of this subtype could easily be mistaken for the dominant wing, because the sexual energy tends to flow in a manner similar to the energy of the wing. A Nine with a One wing would therefore appear more One-like and a Nine with Eight might be mistaken for an Eight.
The central conflict for these Nines will still be in the realm of close intimate relationships and these Nines will have many of the same issues and challenges as the sexual/self-pres Nines.
Oh, and last but not least, check this link out. you'll probably find it intersting, if nothing else. your gonna wanna click on all the "9" related links:
http://personality-piazza.com/viewforum.php?f=94
Personally, I find the enneagram is to the MBTI like the left hand is to the right.
one is more focused on information gathering and processing and overall expression.. your outward "personality"
and one is more focused on your motivations, true fears, desires... the things that make you do what you do... your "inner self" if you will.
for me, knowing both someone's enneagram and MBTI can give a breathtaking level of insight and understanding of a person without ever needing to interact much.
using myself as an example (because I don't want to embarrase or intrude upon anyone else...)
if you know that I'm an ENTX 8 with a 7 wing, who's self preservation/sexual co dominant...
you could make the following assumptions, and be correct about most, if not all, of them... and even if you are incorrect, it is likley that your not far off:
"the ENTX 8w7 Sp/Sx personality is likley to be commanding, direct, authoratitive, egocentric, and when dysfunctional, controlling, vengeful, unforgiving, and genearlly "goes bad" by taking on the traits of someone with antisocial personality disorder, complete with sociopathic tendencies." as an ENTX (i'll skip this part, because you probably already are familar with ENTJ's and ENTP's. i'm smack in the middle)
As an 8 wing 7 - it is likely that this individual experienced a "diffcult" childhood, either by witnessing explotational and abusive or otherwse controlling relationships, or by directly experiencing such. the classic example would be a child who grows up in a household where the mother is weak, and the father is a physically abusive alcoholic who beats his wife. Under these circumstances, the 8 child learns very early on that to be weak, is to be at someones mercy, or under their control. Therefore, the 8 child develops a view of the world that is conflictual. Everything can become a test of wills, and the 8 will respond to threats with an extreme amount of force, be it social, psychological, verbal, or physical. Because of the need to defend oneself from an early age, the 8 child learns to protect their "soft, sensitive core" by quickly assessing another individuals weaknesses, and will know how best to exploit those if the 8 child feels threatened or is acting in defense of "the underdog". The deepest fear of the 8 is to be controlled, and the greatest desire is to be in contol (not necessarily of other people, but oft their own destiny, or of their own existence) The 8 is a natural leader, and has an almost instinctual focus on power. who has it, is it being used fairly, and how they can get more of it for themslves. The 8 can be physically, emotionally, and psychologically "tougher" than any other enneatype. They tend to gravetate towards careers and jobs where they are able to exercise their presence and will, as well as be given the freedom to directly influence their fate. Thus, 8's are often self employed or community leaders (when healthy), or mafia bosses and "rogue outlaws" when unhealthy.
Ok, so, you could know i'm smart, driven, a big picture person, structured, hard working, and "tough" you woudl know taht I probably came from an abusive household, and with my insticutal variants being SP/SX... you could also infer that I was either a sickly child, or experienced a loss of a family member (or divorce, something like this) before I was 4 years old... and furthermore, taht I didn't have a large extended family, but was raised by 1 or 2 primary caregivers (ie, mom and dad)
so, you can know something about a persons childhood conditions, the way their parents interacted with them, whether they had a big family, small family or lost a family member at a very young age.. you can know what is the core motivator in all their decisions, and you can know what would "push their buttons" more than anything else (not that ou woudl do this, but you would have and idea opf waht that is)
So, you can see why I as an NT 8 would find such information highly valuable
anyway, check out the links i sent you... and the descriptions i posted, it may help you understand why you feel this way (and that's just you! and perfectly normal!) but...why other people...even INFJ"s...may not.
-E
Sure, you can. However, would you be wondering this if, it did'nt matter a whole lot to you? Not likely. There's a clue, I think..You just may be by nature both needing and wanting to bond with someone. That's purely natural. The phenomenae of "soul mate" implies there is "some one out there, just- for me, who I will majically harmonize with and live hapily ever after". The truth is if you search for complete functional compatability for begining a relationship, the tendancy there on, will be to expect even more- from the relationship. That- is the anti-success recipie as it is impossible for relationship to produce the desired result. The people in- the relationship have to by nature, produce- the relationship. It's largely a matter of giving and the degree to which this happens tends to be the most signifigant determining factor as to it's existance, health and growth. The challenge as I see it, is to identify and connect with potential mates of the same view. This poster is aware there are always- some in a crowd wanting to find fault with the words, concepts, expessions used by another poster. Save it, I don't want to hear about it; If you don't like what I've written, then you don't have to re-read it, do you? Have a joyful day..(-=
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I regard myself as a whole person rather than half of a theoretical couple.
I really like this post because it's full of observations I too, have made-some proved out to be viable (reality based) some not, some, yet to be determined but contiuing on, with an open mind is, I've found, to be one of the most valuable assets to a joy filled life. One has to be cautious, too, as trouble and danger are easy to walk into, if being oblivious (I know from experience) yet, it's still really important I think, to be rigorously honest with oneself while also refusing to be closed minded. This post was refreshing to read again, after rediscovering it...Thanks, Reverie..
Beautiful and absolutely true. It doesn't necessarily need to be someone I'm romantically involved with, but I just need someone there.
Yeah I kind of identify with this line of feeling too, though I know there have been periods where I didn't feel like I could relate myself deeply to really anyone. That does get to be pretty isolating, what with the Fe tendencies and all. At those times threads like this probably help! I know I would often find myself on the internet in those instances - sometimes getting involved more in email, but not with any particular "soul mate" but just trying to figure out how to reconnect and plug back into the world of social relations, maybe to sniff out a good candidate for a trusted confidant/friend.
Yes, I'd like to think an INFJ can not only exist but thrive without a soulmate. It would be rather unhealthy to spend your life assuming otherwise, wouldn't it? That could lead to all kinds of dependency issues. Scary stuff... 
True that my man. The simpler I am, the happier I am, the more free I am. I am never more miserable in my life then when I think I have found that special person and I can't stop thinking about them. It feels like I'm haunted.
How would I know if I have met a soulmate?
I am living and breathing, and kind of thriving at the moment, so perhaps the answer to this is yes. I don't have a basis of comparison to know how different my experience of life would be if I benefitted from the presence of a soulmate (this is all hypothetical, I'm not even sure how we'd define what/who a soulmate is). I can imagine I might feel a little more fulfilledl; maybe it would be easier to feel happy, maybe inner joy would be more easily and readily accessible. Maybe I would tap into aspects of myself I'm not able to access solo / by the presence of persons currently in my life. I think people do affect us in different ways, and the idea of a soulmate seems like it would be a positive addition, but I think I am doing okay on my own too. And this idea is relieving, because I don't want to be dependent on another person for my sense of completion and fundamental okay-ness. Unless there is a need a soulmate would fulfill that I'm not even aware I'm missing because I've never glimpsed at anything else. I don't know. It's hard to know what you don't know. Our inner experiences are such relative processes.
I am living and breathing, and kind of thriving at the moment, so perhaps the answer to this is yes. I don't have a basis of comparison to know how different my experience of life would be if I benefitted from the presence of a soulmate (this is all hypothetical, I'm not even sure how we'd define what/who a soulmate is). I can imagine I might feel a little more fulfilledl; maybe it would be easier to feel happy, maybe inner joy would be more easily and readily accessible. Maybe I would tap into aspects of myself I'm not able to access solo / by the presence of persons currently in my life. I think people do affect us in different ways, and the idea of a soulmate seems like it would be a positive addition, but I think I am doing okay on my own too. And this idea is relieving, because I don't want to be dependent on another person for my sense of completion and fundamental okay-ness. Unless there is a need a soulmate would fulfill that I'm not even aware I'm missing because I've never glimpsed at anything else. I don't know. It's hard to know what you don't know. Our inner experiences are such relative processes.
I find it very interesting that you opened your thread with a question
of worth. Is it worth life to live without a partner, is, essentially, what
you are asking. In my personal experience and observation, the older
you become, the more difficult it is to be alone until one reaches senility.
I think a lot of this has to do with societal pressure and expectations.
As a species, humans are social creatures. Innately we feel the desire
to belong to a small pack. As time has gone on and our species has
grown we've experienced the need to belong to a larger pack for
survival purposes. We belong to this larger pack for safety. We still
feel the desire to belong to a smaller pack. That is why we feel the
need, especially as time goes on, to mate. To find someone with whom
to procreate and form our own small pack with the birth of children
and the creation of family, etc... However I believe in today's world it
is not a necessity to do this. Our basic survival needs are met with no
real struggle which was the whole purpose of small packs: surviving.
As long as one has a source of income, one can survive. The need for
many hands to hunt and gather and to raise the hunter/gatherers has
become obsolete in most countries due to overpopulation of humans.
We don't have to forage for food anymore, we farm it ourselves whether
it be livestock or fresh produce. Thusly we no longer need to belong
to a small pack other than Emotionally.
Unfortunately this question is a subjective question as it questions
what one finds worthy and unworthy. In a completely scientific way,
having a mate is neither worthy or worthless, either way, your odds of
survival are exceptionally greater than your likelihood for personal
extinction.