break-ups. | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

break-ups.

I've had one serious relationship that lasted nearly 7 years and it was on & off and very unhealthy towards the end, the final break up was pretty mutual in an emotionally explosive kinda way. After that I lost interest in men really. Recently however I met a guy that I completely connect with on more levels than anyone I've ever met before and I love him. We started a relationship and things were going really well until the same problems I had with my ex started cropping up. I know that it's bad for me and to retain my sanity I need to get out.
I just can't help but feel like this is a test of some kind, this guy is pretty much everything that I ever wanted but if I stay with him then I have learned nothing. But yeah... I have no idea how to approach it and I feel so guilty already.
I believe the people you are attracted to are a reflection of yourself and that if there are negative patterns you need to sort yourself out first.
 
amethyst said:
I believe the people you are attracted to are a reflection of yourself and that if there are negative patterns you need to sort yourself out first.
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This.

I've been in a slew of abusive relationships (to varying degrees) and I've resolved to getting my life properly back on track and being okay with me while I'm alone before I'm going to consider dating again. After all how can I expect my relationships to be fine when my life in general isn't?
 
Sometimes it is difficult to distinguish which role I have played when the relationship fell apart as a whole. Sometimes one person creates the disconnect on an emotional level and the other person is left taking the steps to place it in the logistics of reality. Someone can end a relationship without telling you or sometimes without even knowing it. They just withdraw and are done with it. To break-up with such a person is not exactly equivalent to dumping someone especially if their reaction is quite congenial.
 
amethyst said:
I've had one serious relationship that lasted nearly 7 years and it was on & off and very unhealthy towards the end, the final break up was pretty mutual in an emotionally explosive kinda way. After that I lost interest in men really..
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Instead of worrying, "No one is going to ever want me!" I worry I'll never find anyone interesting out there.

amethyst said:
I believe the people you are attracted to are a reflection of yourself and that if there are negative patterns you need to sort yourself out first.
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I agree with this. I was wondering myself a few days ago, "Why do I choose guys are are rude and arrogant? Why is that bad attitude a turn-on?" Not sure what that reflects of myself. I'll have to think about that.. I don't think I'm rude and arrogant. No one has called me out on it, at least. Maybe I go for that kinda thing because I want to be privy to a sort of secret kindness the jerks hide from other people. It's very ridiculous, I'm realizing now. Only polite nice men for me from now on.
 
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Eniko said:
This.

I've been in a slew of abusive relationships (to varying degrees) and I've resolved to getting my life properly back on track and being okay with me while I'm alone before I'm going to consider dating again. After all how can I expect my relationships to be fine when my life in general isn't?
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Good for you Eniko, I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all of that but I also feel that these extreme situations present themselves to afford you the opportunity to change. With self awareness and consistent, honest analysis of your behaviours you will be shown what you need to learn to find peace and happiness within yourself and then it can saturate every area of your life.
Having said that it's not proving to be all that easy/simple so far for me anyways, how are you finding it all?

alt ctrl del said:
Instead of worrying, "No one is going to ever want me!" I worry I'll never find anyone interesting out there.
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Well at least you're not totally doubting yourself, which is good to start with :)

alt ctrl del said:
I was wondering myself a few days ago, "Why do I choose guys are are rude and arrogant? Why is that bad attitude a turn-on?" Not sure what that reflects of myself. I'll have to think about that..I don't think I'm rude and arrogant. No one has called me out on it, at least.
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I don't think it's neccessarily a direct reflection of yourself but there has to be a reason why you look for that.

alt ctrl del said:
Maybe I go for that kinda thing because I want to be privy to a sort of secret kindness the jerks hide from other people. It's very ridiculous, I'm realizing now. Only polite nice men for me from now on.
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I have a close friend who goes for similar guys, like you described, and in her case I definitley suspect that there is a desire on her part to be the sole recipient of their affection. She's also the only girl in her family & all her brothers are slightly more abrasive than the average person so I'm sure that has an impact also as well as the fact that it appeals to her dark sense of humour.
Anyway.... what I'm trying to say is that it's likely to be hella complicated, more so than anyone could observe from the outside too. But it seems to be a worthy process and most probably neverending... I've noticed that since I first posted in this thread and since I made the decision to act with what I've learned instead of just contemplating the idea of it I already feel slightly more at peace and stronger. Not a reaction I was expecting given the situation
 
Moving on..

What are some tips for moving on? I think it would be helpful for us to list them here.

1.) Be cognizant that your needs are not being met and that there is no reciprocation in the realtionship.

2.) Stop beating yourself up about not fulfilling the other person's standards, and think about how they didn't not fit your standards for a partner. (Obviously it takes two to make or break a relationship, this one is for those who take the blame all on themselves when it ends.)

3.) Allow yourself to grieve. Don't deny your emotions. Tell yourself, "I'm sad. I miss ______. But in time, I'll feel better." Allow yourself the time you need to work through disappointment and hurt without allowing yourself to wallow in it. (I like to read about the 5 steps of grieving and try and pinpoint where I'm at.)

4.) Journal about your thoughts and feelings and/or talk to someone supportive who will listen.

5.) Acknowledge that life is still going on around you and that many new beginnings lie ahead.

6.) Take time to be single and work on building yourself up again. Spend time doing things you enjoy with people you enjoy.


That's all I can think of right now. List whatever works for you!!
 
amethyst said:
Good for you Eniko, I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all of that but I also feel that these extreme situations present themselves to afford you the opportunity to change. With self awareness and consistent, honest analysis of your behaviours you will be shown what you need to learn to find peace and happiness within yourself and then it can saturate every area of your life.
Having said that it's not proving to be all that easy/simple so far for me anyways, how are you finding it all?
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It's definitely not easy and I still lament being single on a pretty much daily basis despite realizing that I might be better off this way right now. I have a lot of respect for people who can be okay just being by themselves. Honestly I'm not sure if my life is "full" enough yet for me to do that.

It's basically a roller coaster ride for me right now with lots of ups and downs but at least I recognize what's going on and I'm working to improve. That's the most important part, the rest just takes time.
 
eniko you show a lot of strength and self knowledge in your words.i can relate to your feelings of what you want not matching what you need.i hope it gets better for you soon,im glad you seem determined to change things for yourself,x
 
I think for me it's not about wether I am the dumper or the dumpee but rather about the intensity of the emotional connection and the situation of the breakup.

My last breakup was definately the most painful ever for a number of reasons.

1) I lost two partners not just one.

2) Six months later I am still sharing a home with my ex-partners who are still partners with each other and I get to watch them playing happy families (this will be changing within about 2 months as I am looking for another place)

3) I still loved both when the relationship ended and have watched the way they treated me because of their feelings of guilt and the lies that they have written online about me, that they do not realise I have seen, gradually erode my love and respect for both.

4) I found out that both did not consider me a partner any more by reading something online.

5) I could have continues to share a home with both as friends but they got so uncomfortable with their own bad behaviour that he has come close to hating me and she blames me for his bad behaviour.

This breakup has been crippling but I am recovering. Being polyamorous and having other people in my life has not made the pain from this relationship break up any the less.

I have learned so much from this relationship and it's breakup and I have finally seen that it is not always my fault. I have had my eyes opened and been forced to see how I let other people make me responsible for both my own behaviour and theirs.

I have learned lessons, and I do not regret having been in this relationship. I am sad that the ending has turned out to be so messy.
 
break ups

In my first marriage I was the dumpee and it broke my heart, which was surprising because I didn't think I was all that emotionally invested by the time it came to separating. So maybe it was more a matter of hurt pride. On the other hand, I'm asn intensely emotional person who isn't always aware of her emotions, so my heart may have been involved at least as much as my pride.

I was the dumper in my second marriage and it was much easier, maybe because it was a matter of survival. As far as getting on with my life, that was made easier by having the cerebral hemorrhage 5 weeks after the divorce. I had no choice but to get on with my life and was too busy doing that even to be very sad.
 
I was the dumper and the dumpee in both my marriages. My exes were intially the dumpers but then wanted me back and my role was reversed to dumper. It hurt like anything to be both. I think being the dumper was easier, my heart wasn't really broken but I felt really terrible about hurting someone else. It would have been easier to just resolve to be unhappy and go back to see them happy.

My most relationship I was the dumpee and its devastating. I don't know how I will ever move beyond it especially considering its such a convoluted mess that makes no sense at all.

I would personally rather be the dumper than the dumpee.
 
Dumping is easy being dumped is hard. One can't complain about one's pain if one is holding the knife.
As for reasons I would dump someone
1.their a complete idiot who chooses to live in a shallow world.
2. Attempted murder
3. Manipulative people who don't have the guts to say something to anothers face
 
Maybe this is going to sound cold, but if you're spending a lot of your time trying to figure out if you should break up with someone, then you shouldn't be with them. I really wish I had figured this out BEFORE I spent a year and a half with a boy who I loved, but we weren't right for each other.
 
Right, because this is exactly the sort of discussion I should be getting myself into when it's 1 am and I have essays to write and emotional-wounds that are in severe need of cauterizing.

Thus far, I have an impressive track record for mutual break ups. I was the dumper in my first serious relationship, and it traumatized me to no end. Picture a high school junior working up the courage to tell her boyfriend of two years that she no longer feels 'that way' about him, and that previously normal, mentally stable and healthy boy suddenly turning into an suicidal basketcase. He invited me to dance this maschostic tango for four months afterwards, preying on my pity and organizing all-inclusive guilt-trips until I came up with the idea of removing myself from the school environment by signing up for the co-op program that had me in the building only a couple times that semester. Out of sight eventually became out of mind, and the pleading, paranoid phonecalls eventually thinned into nothingness.

After that experience, I've gotten rather good at giving my S.O's a signal that it was time to cut our losses. Much easier when they think that it's their idea too.

Of course, just as you think you've got a formula figured out, you run into an exception that has you just as royally fudged as the other person. But that is a tale for another, long-winded post.
 
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