break-ups. | INFJ Forum

break-ups.

acd

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Do you feel it's just as difficult to be the dumper as it is the dumpee?

Under what circumstances or what reasons would you feel it absolutely imperative to break up with someone?

Just talk about your break-ups. Whatever you want to say.
 
It's more difficult for whomever has the most feelings invested. That's why it's typically difficult for both people involved and why sometimes the dumpee can move on more quickly than the dumper (though this does not account for all the reasoning).

For the most part I think dumping a person is neccessary any time my personal needs are not being acknowledged. This is different from them being met. If they are acknowledged then it is safe to say they are working towards meeting my needs which is all anyone can ask of another human being, and that's asking a lot.

Of course, I do have some prerequisites prior to entering a relationship, but that's a whole other topic.
 
What about this: You know you need to break up with someone, but are dreading it.. and second guessing yourself.. I guess one could just focus on shutting off their emotions and going by pure logic to get the job done...
 
If you know you need to, there is no point in second guessing. It will only serve to fuel rampant emotions. The fear is normal. Fear of loss, especially loss created by yourself is a difficult thing to face. Focus on what will be gained and use that as a source of strength.

Trying to shut out emotion is the wrong way to go.
 
I've broken up with my previous two girlfriends first because she and I never saw each other and she stopped speaking to me and second because I realized things were not going to work out and I didn't feel like faking.
 
I've found breaking up with someone harder than getting dumped. Of course, the last person I break up with I had to break up with twice complete with suicide threats and everything.

So yanno, YMMV.
 
In my experience, I've only ever been dumped so I'm gonna say getting dumped is...well...the dumps
 
I've only had one serious relationship before getting married. There was a lot of breaking up and getting back together though, so I'm well acquainted with being the dumper and the dumpee. Being the dumpee is absolutely horrible. Being the dumper was easy when I finally told him goodbye for good.
 
To dump someone, they would have had to break my moral code, to the extent that I was deeply personally afflicted - not the trivial things - the serious things. If they had made a serious transgression, I would feel justified in ending it and would do so, unless I loved them very deeply - then I would give them one chance to mend things, even knowing myself that it would be nearly impossible for them and things would never be the same. Unless they didn't want to try, in which case, it would just be over.

For them to dump me, they would still have to be the one in the wrong, for me to feel okay about it. If I was in the wrong, or just not good enough for them, I would find that very hard to live with.

I'm not sure which is harder. Depends on the situation and who it is.
 
Sometimes I wish I could answer questions like this.


The rest of the time, I'm laughing at such a silly thought.
 
I've always been the dumper or it was mutual if I can recall. But not because I'm so freaking awesome, I'm just picky and skittish so I don't let that many guys get close to me. But being the dumper...sucks.

First I
 
.. guys have a hard time letting go and taking freaking hints. Or maybe just guys I messed around with, They get comfortable too quickly and that's unnerving to me. Blah.

Yeah. I'm one of those guys. What works is if you say it directly to their face, slap them a few times so that it registers (in case they weren't 'really' listening), then give a written copy, signed by a legal professional, their best male friend and their mother, so that it can't be misheard or misinterpreted. Subtle doesn't work too well on belligerent fools, and that's just after the first date. ;)
 
I don't have much of a history with relationships. Two guys, that's it. (The last guy on/off again) I've been the dumper in both situations, and it hurt like hell to do it. I didn't do it cuz I was sick of them or bored, I have a habit of falling more and more for someone the longer the relationship goes on, I start off cold and icy.

When I break up, it's usually because I feel restricted, as if I can't be myself and I have to fit into this other version of who they want. I've been told what to believe and what to think and that my feelings were "crazy." I've been called cowardly and childish and embarrassing because I'm shy in public and don't mingle at parties. Then I wonder, wtf are we together for if you want to change me? I don't understand people who feel they need to change SO's. I'm very accepting of others.. so it astonishes me when they don't accept me back.

I go out of my way to do ridiculously obscenely nice things just to please the other person.. and it seems the more I do that, kindness is returned for carelessness. There's no reciprocation. Is that selfish of me? Is love selfless enough to the point that you give and should accept that as your role, or is that the other person being ungrateful?

I break up with someone when I feel they reject me.
 
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ive had two very intense relationships,how they have ended and what happened has shaped many of my outlooks on life and people in general.
In one i was the dumper the other the dumpee.both were incredibly difficult.

The first relationship i ended it after two years.It had become very unhealthy.Slightly older than me my boyfriend at the time had become very possessive and controlling.He only wanted me to socialise with him i ended up losing many friends because he didnt like them.he was verbally abusive and crippled my self esteem.He was a horrible drunk who one night grabbed me and started shaking me so much a car slowed down to ask was i alright...this was the beginning of the end(i was young and stupid and should have cut ties there).I broke up with him at a college ball one night when he was treating me terribly and he begged me to get back together with him.He thought we were going to get married etc!!
so anyway....he stalked me for a year.suicide attempts i once had to convince him down off a bridge after he had doine something appaling to me.he threatened to kill himself and make sure i watched.hundreds of missed calls(not exaggereating unfortunately)all in all i was a nervous wreck,my hands are shaking typing this.That was the worst break up ive ever experienced.

the second boy was needy yet neglectful.he would cheat on me then when id find out cry until i felt he meant his remorse.i used to drag him home drunk and drugged out of his mind after he would have stood me up the same night.he slept with his housemate when we were together and never told me.again not so great for confidence.eventually we were going to break up he came over to my house asnd ended it,telling me cheating on me and hurting me was the worst decision of his life.he told me he loved me as i closed the door on his face,both of us in tears,yert this robbed me of my closure.I felt he shifted the decision to be my fault(its all very very complicated i may explain more at some stage).This was the hardest break up because for most of the time we were very happy.I still truly love him.He had built up my trust and caring again,which I never thought possible,only to break it down even more.

Both my serious breakups were a long time coming and i feel an overwhelming responsibillity for my relationship mistakes.theres my two cents anyways
apologies for the long post
 
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ive had two very intense relationships...


OMG. Poor you! You have had a hard time of it.:m033:

I have no idea what to say. Just, hope your next one is infinitely better.
 
thanks darlin thats sweet!but thats the way relationships and life goes sometimes sure
 
I go out of my way to do ridiculously obscenely nice things just to please the other person.. and it seems the more I do that, kindness is returned for carelessness. There's no reciprocation.

I hear ya. Shit isn't it.



Is that selfish of me?

Nope. It's very selfless of you, but you do notice that it's not reciprocated, so that shows a healthy self-interest. Love should be reciprocal, but rarely is in a fairly balanced way. Usually somebody gets the bigger portion and scoffs it without thinking twice and the other is like 'hey. You greedy git', whether spoken or unspoken.

Is love selfless enough to the point that you give and should accept that as your role, or is that the other person being ungrateful?

Both. I think love is ultimately about being selfless, and being a lover is playing that role: giving your share of something to someone else as a gesture of care and trust. Where the trust is broken by the partner not reciprocating in kind (hug, cookie, present, sex.. whatever), then yes they are being ungrateful, because they've missed the point of the interaction - it was never about them getting something, it was about you both sharing something.
 
Is love selfless enough to the point that you give and should accept that as your role...


Of course it is. What else could it be and still be free?

edit: If it is just giving because you are enjoying giving, not because you want reciprocation.
 
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Well, I really enjoy giving. I enjoy nurturing and making people happy. I will admit, I treat people the way I want to be treated. So part of being nice in relationships is because I want the other person to reciprocate.

Mostly though, I just like making people happy. I'm no bodhisattva though. My resources and energy are not infinite. And when I give and give and get nothing in return, it burns me out and I do become resentful.
 
For me, it's most definitely more difficult to dump somebody than to be dumped. If I dump somebody, I tend to feel responsible for their feelings as well as my own, whereas if I'm dumped, I only have my own feelings to deal with, and there is no confusion as to whether it was the right thing to do or not because it's out of my control anyway.

When should you dump somebody? There are many reasons, but the most vital would be if you know that you do not love them or that you cannot picture them in your future. If you are confused about your feelings, I'd say that it's also a good indicator - when you love somebody, there is just no doubt in your mind.

PS. Liv, I'm so sorry to hear about your bad experiences. I have experienced something similar to your first relationship, and I know how terribly emotionally scarring it can be. I completely lost sight of/put up with the situation that I was in because I was trying so hard to support my ex and help him sort out his issues. Unfortunately, while he's better for it, I still have scars to heal. I truly hope that you find somebody who will treat you well, and give you the love and respect that you deserve. Relationships definitely don't need to be painful.