break-ups.

I've broken up with my previous two girlfriends first because she and I never saw each other and she stopped speaking to me and second because I realized things were not going to work out and I didn't feel like faking.

 

I've found breaking up with someone harder than getting dumped. Of course, the last person I break up with I had to break up with twice complete with suicide threats and everything.

So yanno, YMMV.

 

In my experience, I've only ever been dumped so I'm gonna say getting dumped is...well...the dumps

 

I've only had one serious relationship before getting married. There was a lot of breaking up and getting back together though, so I'm well acquainted with being the dumper and the dumpee. Being the dumpee is absolutely horrible. Being the dumper was easy when I finally told him goodbye for good.

 

To dump someone, they would have had to break my moral code, to the extent that I was deeply personally afflicted - not the trivial things - the serious things. If they had made a serious transgression, I would feel justified in ending it and would do so, unless I loved them very deeply - then I would give them one chance to mend things, even knowing myself that it would be nearly impossible for them and things would never be the same. Unless they didn't want to try, in which case, it would just be over.

For them to dump me, they would still have to be the one in the wrong, for me to feel okay about it. If I was in the wrong, or just not good enough for them, I would find that very hard to live with.

I'm not sure which is harder. Depends on the situation and who it is.

 

Sometimes I wish I could answer questions like this.


The rest of the time, I'm laughing at such a silly thought.

 

I've always been the dumper or it was mutual if I can recall. But not because I'm so freaking awesome, I'm just picky and skittish so I don't let that many guys get close to me. But being the dumper...sucks.

First I

 

Yeah. I'm one of those guys. What works is if you say it directly to their face, slap them a few times so that it registers (in case they weren't 'really' listening), then give a written copy, signed by a legal professional, their best male friend and their mother, so that it can't be misheard or misinterpreted. Subtle doesn't work too well on belligerent fools, and that's just after the first date.

 

ive had two very intense relationships,how they have ended and what happened has shaped many of my outlooks on life and people in general.
In one i was the dumper the other the dumpee.both were incredibly difficult.

The first relationship i ended it after two years.It had become very unhealthy.Slightly older than me my boyfriend at the time had become very possessive and controlling.He only wanted me to socialise with him i ended up losing many friends because he didnt like them.he was verbally abusive and crippled my self esteem.He was a horrible drunk who one night grabbed me and started shaking me so much a car slowed down to ask was i alright...this was the beginning of the end(i was young and stupid and should have cut ties there).I broke up with him at a college ball one night when he was treating me terribly and he begged me to get back together with him.He thought we were going to get married etc!!
so anyway....he stalked me for a year.suicide attempts i once had to convince him down off a bridge after he had doine something appaling to me.he threatened to kill himself and make sure i watched.hundreds of missed calls(not exaggereating unfortunately)all in all i was a nervous wreck,my hands are shaking typing this.That was the worst break up ive ever experienced.

the second boy was needy yet neglectful.he would cheat on me then when id find out cry until i felt he meant his remorse.i used to drag him home drunk and drugged out of his mind after he would have stood me up the same night.he slept with his housemate when we were together and never told me.again not so great for confidence.eventually we were going to break up he came over to my house asnd ended it,telling me cheating on me and hurting me was the worst decision of his life.he told me he loved me as i closed the door on his face,both of us in tears,yert this robbed me of my closure.I felt he shifted the decision to be my fault(its all very very complicated i may explain more at some stage).This was the hardest break up because for most of the time we were very happy.I still truly love him.He had built up my trust and caring again,which I never thought possible,only to break it down even more.

Both my serious breakups were a long time coming and i feel an overwhelming responsibillity for my relationship mistakes.theres my two cents anyways
apologies for the long post

 

OMG. Poor you! You have had a hard time of it.

I have no idea what to say. Just, hope your next one is infinitely better.

 

thanks darlin thats sweet!but thats the way relationships and life goes sometimes sure

 

I hear ya. Shit isn't it.

Nope. It's very selfless of you, but you do notice that it's not reciprocated, so that shows a healthy self-interest. Love should be reciprocal, but rarely is in a fairly balanced way. Usually somebody gets the bigger portion and scoffs it without thinking twice and the other is like 'hey. You greedy git', whether spoken or unspoken.

Both. I think love is ultimately about being selfless, and being a lover is playing that role: giving your share of something to someone else as a gesture of care and trust. Where the trust is broken by the partner not reciprocating in kind (hug, cookie, present, sex.. whatever), then yes they are being ungrateful, because they've missed the point of the interaction - it was never about them getting something, it was about you both sharing something.

 

Of course it is. What else could it be and still be free?

edit: If it is just giving because you are enjoying giving, not because you want reciprocation.

 

For me, it's most definitely more difficult to dump somebody than to be dumped. If I dump somebody, I tend to feel responsible for their feelings as well as my own, whereas if I'm dumped, I only have my own feelings to deal with, and there is no confusion as to whether it was the right thing to do or not because it's out of my control anyway.

When should you dump somebody? There are many reasons, but the most vital would be if you know that you do not love them or that you cannot picture them in your future. If you are confused about your feelings, I'd say that it's also a good indicator - when you love somebody, there is just no doubt in your mind.

PS. Liv, I'm so sorry to hear about your bad experiences. I have experienced something similar to your first relationship, and I know how terribly emotionally scarring it can be. I completely lost sight of/put up with the situation that I was in because I was trying so hard to support my ex and help him sort out his issues. Unfortunately, while he's better for it, I still have scars to heal. I truly hope that you find somebody who will treat you well, and give you the love and respect that you deserve. Relationships definitely don't need to be painful.