Anybody ever date a INTJ?

[Zero Angel]

How do I get an INTJ to date me?

Just being yourself is an OK start I guess. INTJ/INFJs share the common bond of Ni and are able to compliment each others thinking strategies while still being on the same wavelength as each other. It helps if you're a little bit intellectual, it helps if your sincere. Generally from my experience, you dont need to pursue INTJ women and they possibly find it annoying, rather they'll let you know if they want you as they can be rather direct.

 

[SpoofyMcPoof]

Not under rocks...eww we would get our delicate skin dirty...and the fairy's might eat us! Were elusive yes but that's because you don't know what we really are till you get to know us...and that's a difficult thing...YOu could meet me on the street tomorrow and not peg me instantly for an INFJ...Its called defense mechanism. Yes we are rare...I have only ever met two others outside of this board of course.

Ironically enough my ex boyfriend has attracted three INFJs so far. I don't know how being that he is an ESTP and his very nature repels me.

Back on topic, I adore my INTJ. Unlike some others in this post I haven't seen a problem with empathy on his part - he is very emotive and supportive in his own way. Granted it's not as pronounced as me (large disorganized bundle of emotions that I am) but it is there. His T was only 12 percent so that could be it. I think any INTJ that intellecually knows they need to work on the feeling thing can become well balanced.

 

[McD]

1) Don't be needy. This shouldn't be too hard to understand, but INTJs don't want you to need them, and won't need you. They may like you a very awful lot, and eventually love you, and be devastated if you left, but it's very likely that they will never need you. Accept this, or find another type.

So just how do I communicate this to my INFJ? The few times I have tried to, very delicately, clearly, and at the same time making it very clear to her that my not being needy doesn't mean I don't love her, trust her, am not loyal to her, and don't enjoy her company, she immediately took it that my not being needy did in fact mean that I don't love her, trust her, am not loyal to her, and don't enjoy her company. This has been frustrating. The INTJ's need for independence can be a strong core need/value, but one that is frequently misunderstood.

 

[Blind Bandit]

So just how do I communicate this to my INFJ? The few times I have tried to, very delicately, clearly, and at the same time making it very clear to her that my not being needy doesn't mean I don't love her, trust her, am not loyal to her, and don't enjoy her company, she immediately took it that my not being needy did in fact mean that I don't love her, trust her, am not loyal to her, and don't enjoy her company. This has been frustrating. The INTJ's need for independence can be a strong core need/value, but one that is frequently misunderstood.

Understanding and comprise goes both ways. And you also need to be willing to understand that she is not a T.

I think you can both come to compromise. Thats what it takes. you can't have two people so dug in that they can't work together.

You should feel great that she is this open with you. It may seem needy to you but many INFJs don't have people they can open up to. I think you can understand that.

And about your question being nice and honest and you both working out the together helps.

Not trying to pick on you I just think NTs also need to remember that InFJs are in NFs and that means certain needs should be meet as well.

 

[Zero Angel]

One of the core aspirations of an Fe dominant is the 'need to be needed'. If an Fe type cannot meet this need using external means then it can become a little bit of a problem for an NT.

 

[WaeV]

How do I get an INTJ to date me?

Heh, never thought about it. I don't know how much of a difference gender makes in these sorts of things. Get me to want you I suppose. We're very goal-oriented, you see (or I am, at least).

 

[McD]

Heh, never thought about it. I don't know how much of a difference gender makes in these sorts of things. Get me to want you I suppose. We're very goal-oriented, you see (or I am, at least).

We are very goal oriented, as WaeV notes. With me, at least, I have to see how someone can fit into my life plans. At the very least, I have to see how someone isn't a threat to my goals, and even better, how they can compliment my goals. I think I've read this elsewhere, but NT's tend to define themselves by their goals while NF's define themselves by their relationships. I can see this as a major area where NT's and NF's would butt heads in their notions of a relationship.

 

[Rudy]

So just how do I communicate this to my INFJ? The few times I have tried to, very delicately, clearly, and at the same time making it very clear to her that my not being needy doesn't mean I don't love her, trust her, am not loyal to her, and don't enjoy her company, she immediately took it that my not being needy did in fact mean that I don't love her, trust her, am not loyal to her, and don't enjoy her company. This has been frustrating. The INTJ's need for independence can be a strong core need/value, but one that is frequently misunderstood.

Hmm... the distinction between love and need is something that I've long figured out for myself, so my INTJ didn't need to communicate anything in particular. Thus, I'm unsure I'm the best to advise on this matter, but the best way to start (I think) is this:

Sit down with her, and say you want to try to understand her point of view better. Ask her why she thinks need is a necessary component of love, and ask her to try to explain what "needing her" means to her. Once these things are put into words, it's my suspicion that you'll find that your positions aren't all that disparate, but rather that you're just using words in different ways to a large extent.

Also, assuming it's true, emphasize the sense of loss, mourning, devastation, etc. that you would feel if you ever lost her.

 

[analyst]

One other observation: I (INFJ) see the big picture of things, where as my INTJ sees the little details. Seems to be a theme in most of our conversations, where I'm looking at the grand scheme of things, and she's thinking the little stuff. Is that an INTJ/INFJ thing, or something specific to us?

 

[Rudy]

One other observation: I (INFJ) see the big picture of things, where as my INTJ sees the little details. Seems to be a theme in most of our conversations, where I'm looking at the grand scheme of things, and she's thinking the little stuff. Is that an INTJ/INFJ thing, or something specific to us?

Looking at the little details is not the normal tendency of either type; both are big picture thinkers, just in different ways.

Can you give an example of what you mean by "little details"?

 

[analyst]

The specific example was a song that we were listening too. She was all into the piano solo, whereas I was all about every part of it as a whole. Maybe not applicable because it's music, but seems to be a trend. Also sports- I look at the season as a whole- winning record, etc. She focuses on each game, win/lose.

 

[swintj]

I usually lurk for the most part on message boards but, while reading many of the comments in this, I saw misconceptions that I want no part of as an INTJ. A great deal of those things are nowhere near my way of treating romantic relationships and that includes the replies of other INTJs.

Just for the sake of stopping mistype claims before they get started, I have taken multiple tests in relation to this. Both online and in more than one college class. It's always the same. Mainly, I'm showing just how misleading stereotypes really do get.

While it's not of the relationship topic, I would like to say that every time I see people use Spock as an INTJ example it makes me want to shake them until they get whiplash. That show has always annoyed me.

On the actual topic...

If I was in a relationship with someone and they told me one of their primary reasons for being with me was that I'm "dependable," I would probably end that relationship soon after for both our sake.

I'd also like to point out a couple things before what I'll be saying next. My last two relationships came to basically "devastating" ends. After the first I hadn't tried for another for at least 3 years and I haven't attempted a third time yet, so its been almost 4 years and counting after the second one. Much of that time has been due to my own choice. I don't know why girls are attracted to guys even slightly so I can't judge my own appearance very well but from what I hear I'm well above average, so it's nothing like that. Yet, still, when it comes to relationships...

Romance and the day to day don't even co-exist in the same world for me. I certainly have my base tendencies but, I know what they are very well. In the general population, I'm rather stubborn in how I act. I do as I see fit and no matter the outcome, I will rarely, if ever, apologize for doing so. I can even be as cold as it gets. If someone has gotten on my bad side, which is actually very hard to do, the way I treat those people is summed up best by two things I've said on different occasions, more than once. "I'd never kill someone i don't like, the living suffer far more than the dead" and "the only thing I want from you is a shout out on your suicide note." It's not the type of thing where you say it in the heat of the moment and regret later to me, either. It's my true disposition concerning the topic.

In a romantic relationship, it's quite a bit different. I will go out of my way predict my own behavior in most situations for damage control. However, the way I do that was born from trial and error. If it happens once, there's little chance it will happen a second time if it's pointed out. It gets added to my list of things I try to stop before they start. If I don't get that second chance I actually take it rather horribly. However, that reaction never gets verbally expressed to anyone. In fact, if my memory hasn't failed me, this would be the first time I can recall ever mentioning it.

When I'm in a romantic relationship, I purposely shoot for the irrational, impossible "fairy tale." I know that, that goal is unrealistic, yet every action I take is in the spirit of fulfilling that goal with how I treat my partner.

The way I see it is, love, itself, is nowhere near rational in the first place. Trying to combine rationality and romance is a futile act. If I'm going to pursue such an irrational thing that I have no true need for, I'm going to do it all the way.

I admit, though, offline, I can be something of a misunderstood social retard and communication concerning feelings takes time. Even if I'm fully willing to disclose everything, it's difficult. I get hung up on how I want to word it. I'm already somewhat weary of what the reaction will be even if I word it perfectly. I think I end up accidentally fooling myself into thinking the perfect way to say it exist and once I find it, it will be easy when in reality, I'm just going around in circles because the wording isn't my actual problem at all.

People often react sincerely shocked that such things would ever come out of my mouth, if they ever hear it at all. (I have to have extreme interest in the person to even reference such things when speaking with them)

It's funny in a way, because it's actually inspired by the most common traits INTJs share. Confidence and a strong will. I know very well that that the odds in favor of success barely exist but, I figure that if someone, anyone, at any point can pull it off, I see no reason why it can't be me. That includes pretty much everything, though. I also see common events in sort of the same way. If someone expresses amazement at someone doing just about anything, I will usually shrug while thinking "so? that just means you or I can do it too."

 

[Storm]

If someone expresses amazement at someone doing just about anything, I will usually shrug while thinking "so? that just means you or I can do it too."

Yes, but it wasn't you. That's the important bit.

"Fairy-tale" love I don't think exist. But I do think we can get pretty close to it. No one is ever always happy with their mate, nor does their mate always do the right thing. Life's a bit messier than that.

 

[Blind Bandit]

I usually lurk for the most part on message boards but, while reading many of the comments in this, I saw misconceptions that I want no part of as an INTJ. A great deal of those things are nowhere near my way of treating romantic relationships and that includes the replies of other INTJs.

Just for the sake of stopping mistype claims before they get started, I have taken multiple tests in relation to this. Both online and in more than one college class. It's always the same. Mainly, I'm showing just how misleading stereotypes really do get.

While it's not of the relationship topic, I would like to say that every time I see people use Spock as an INTJ example it makes me want to shake them until they get whiplash. That show has always annoyed me.

On the actual topic...

If I was in a relationship with someone and they told me one of their primary reasons for being with me was that I'm "dependable," I would probably end that relationship soon after for both our sake.

I'd also like to point out a couple things before what I'll be saying next. My last two relationships came to basically "devastating" ends. After the first I hadn't tried for another for at least 3 years and I haven't attempted a third time yet, so its been almost 4 years and counting after the second one. Much of that time has been due to my own choice. I don't know why girls are attracted to guys even slightly so I can't judge my own appearance very well but from what I hear I'm well above average, so it's nothing like that. Yet, still, when it comes to relationships...

Romance and the day to day don't even co-exist in the same world for me. I certainly have my base tendencies but, I know what they are very well. In the general population, I'm rather stubborn in how I act. I do as I see fit and no matter the outcome, I will rarely, if ever, apologize for doing so. I can even be as cold as it gets. If someone has gotten on my bad side, which is actually very hard to do, the way I treat those people is summed up best by two things I've said on different occasions, more than once. "I'd never kill someone i don't like, the living suffer far more than the dead" and "the only thing I want from you is a shout out on your suicide note." It's not the type of thing where you say it in the heat of the moment and regret later to me, either. It's my true disposition concerning the topic.

In a romantic relationship, it's quite a bit different. I will go out of my way predict my own behavior in most situations for damage control. However, the way I do that was born from trial and error. If it happens once, there's little chance it will happen a second time if it's pointed out. It gets added to my list of things I try to stop before they start. If I don't get that second chance I actually take it rather horribly. However, that reaction never gets verbally expressed to anyone. In fact, if my memory hasn't failed me, this would be the first time I can recall ever mentioning it.

When I'm in a romantic relationship, I purposely shoot for the irrational, impossible "fairy tale." I know that, that goal is unrealistic, yet every action I take is in the spirit of fulfilling that goal with how I treat my partner.

The way I see it is, love, itself, is nowhere near rational in the first place. Trying to combine rationality and romance is a futile act. If I'm going to pursue such an irrational thing that I have no true need for, I'm going to do it all the way.

I admit, though, offline, I can be something of a misunderstood social retard and communication concerning feelings takes time. Even if I'm fully willing to disclose everything, it's difficult. I get hung up on how I want to word it. I'm already somewhat weary of what the reaction will be even if I word it perfectly. I think I end up accidentally fooling myself into thinking the perfect way to say it exist and once I find it, it will be easy when in reality, I'm just going around in circles because the wording isn't my actual problem at all.

People often react sincerely shocked that such things would ever come out of my mouth, if they ever hear it at all. (I have to have extreme interest in the person to even reference such things when speaking with them)

It's funny in a way, because it's actually inspired by the most common traits INTJs share. Confidence and a strong will. I know very well that that the odds in favor of success barely exist but, I figure that if someone, anyone, at any point can pull it off, I see no reason why it can't be me. That includes pretty much everything, though. I also see common events in sort of the same way. If someone expresses amazement at someone doing just about anything, I will usually shrug while thinking "so? that just means you or I can do it too."

Ya this is a very NT or INTJ response. Sorry its just funny hearing it put so clinically.

 

[WaeV]

While it's not of the relationship topic, I would like to say that every time I see people use Spock as an INTJ example it makes me want to shake them until they get whiplash. That show has always annoyed me.

Agreed. Well, actually, perhaps we're more like him than any of the other Vulcans. In the new movie (all I've seen of him) it covers his human mother, and how he really does have emotions, they just run more deeply and powerfully. But still.

If I was in a relationship with someone and they told me one of their primary reasons for being with me was that I'm "dependable," I would probably end that relationship soon after for both our sake.

I can agree with the spirit of this. I don't want a slave to my projects, I want someone to love.

When I'm in a romantic relationship, I purposely shoot for the irrational, impossible "fairy tale." I know that, that goal is unrealistic, yet every action I take is in the spirit of fulfilling that goal with how I treat my partner.

Well, I try to use my feeling side more. I don't know about shooting for the unrealistic. I'd say it's the same general principle as "when in the dark, follow the blind," or perhaps more fittingly "when in Rome, do as the Romans." When in a relationship, do as the feelers?

The way I see it is, love, itself, is nowhere near rational in the first place. Trying to combine rationality and romance is a futile act. If I'm going to pursue such an irrational thing that I have no true need for, I'm going to do it all the way.

I don't think it's futile as much as ineffective and potentially misleading. But when your feeling side is petered out and logic is all you have... Hmmm... Maybe I use logic to direct my feelings? To decide when I should go "F" as it were? I'm not sure. T permeates my life, but I still try to cultivate my F, especially in a relationship.

Even if I'm fully willing to disclose everything, it's difficult. I get hung up on how I want to word it. I'm already somewhat weary of what the reaction will be even if I word it perfectly. I think I end up accidentally fooling myself into thinking the perfect way to say it exist and once I find it, it will be easy when in reality, I'm just going around in circles because the wording isn't my actual problem at all.

I think I used to be like this, but partly because of developing my F and partly because I have such great friends, I have two people who i feel i can tell just about anything to, and I do. This was good practice for when I got into a relationship.

It's funny in a way, because it's actually inspired by the most common traits INTJs share. Confidence and a strong will. I know very well that that the odds in favor of success barely exist but, I figure that if someone, anyone, at any point can pull it off, I see no reason why it can't be me. That includes pretty much everything, though. I also see common events in sort of the same way. If someone expresses amazement at someone doing just about anything, I will usually shrug while thinking "so? that just means you or I can do it too."

I think the odds are pretty good of finding someone eventually, or none of us would be here. I can agree with the lack of amazement, though. When I first fell in love I always knew that oh so many people had felt this before. I wanted to make sure that what I felt was actual love and mot just infatuation before I said "I love you," and in hindsight I waited too long, I just hadn't realized it.

 

[analyst]

checking in...

I'm checking back in. We're about 6 weeks into this one, and it seems to have fizzled. The major problems were/have been:

My (INFJ) need to constantly provide and my female INTJ counter part likes to be independent and not relying on having somebody do things for her. We discussed this at length. I've toned my need to do things, like cook dinner, etc and just gone with the flow (i.e. whatever she decides she wants to do).

That also seems to be a trend that I've seen with the INTJ. She likes to call the shots, or at least think she's calling the shots. From my perspective, I'm fine with that if she's happy, because they are generally all little things. I'll be more inclined to express unhappiness or an opinion if it's a major issue.

Lastly, as an INFJ, I tend to move super fast. I'm starting to wonder if the INTJ is one of the slower moving people out there when it comes to romance and deciding that they are "in". I'm completely in love with her, and can't really do anything to tone it down. She's struggling because her feelings tend to develop slower and have to be part of a long, thought out process. My answer to this is that it's not a race and we don't have to figure out our lives right away. At the same time, I think it's built unnecessary pressure on her (INTJ) side because I clearly want things to work out so badly.

I'm sort of at a loss. This thread has been really helpful though. Thanks for all your insight.

 

[WaeV]

Interesting. Yes, I think that my feelings were slower to develop, but I didn't feel the need to call the shots and was perhaps a little too easy-going for her.

I was "in" long before I said "I love you," and I perhaps should have said it earlier, but I wanted to be dead sure that I meant it. I wanted it to have the fullest possible meaning behind it. I wanted to convey with those three words everything that I had felt up to that point and would continue to feel beyond it. That is why I waited.

 

[Gaze]

Lastly, as an INFJ, I tend to move super fast. I'm starting to wonder if the INTJ is one of the slower moving people out there when it comes to romance and deciding that they are "in". I'm completely in love with her, and can't really do anything to tone it down. She's struggling because her feelings tend to develop slower and have to be part of a long, thought out process.

This is interesting. Is this a known INFJ trait, because it would seem to explain quite a bit. If we tend to develop feelings fairly quickly, and know early on when you're in love, then it's a matter of waiting patiently for everyone to get caught up. I think this is a interesting way of looking at it, since the tendency is to think that the person who falls in love first and quickly, is rushing ahead, and so the feelings cannot be real, when the situation, as in your case, may be that the other person simply hasn't figured out their feelings yet. Interesting perspective.

 

[Billy]

I might date an INTJ girl I know if we can ever get in the same area. But its hard to describe our relationship, its playful and fun, and VERY funny since we get all the same references because we like all the same stuff, Sci Fi and Horror mostly. I could best describe our mental interactions as mental sparring or mental jousting all day but not in a tiresome annoying way like we are being obtuse, but like we get each other because we are both highly intuitive (Ni) and we use it against each other in a sorta uncomfortable way but its mentally sensual... like she knows what things I dont feel comfortable saying specifically how I feel about certain things and how I feel about her... she knows I hate talking about that but she will find a way to call my bluffs or call my cards im hiding and make me answer honestly and its like, embarrassing but it feels good too, it reminds me of crushes I used to get when I was a teenager and there was all that pent up feeling that you wouldnt ever dare to let out and everything was all angsty and intensely felt.. its kind of like that when we talk. We kind of do that to each other its wierd. I would like a chance to hang with her more if she moves back or I go out there.

 

[analyst]

Another tid bit to add.

I read a book (simply for entertainment) recently that was devoted to the art of picking up women "The Game" by Neal Strauss. 99% of the book is crap and superficial as it's all devoted to trying to get phone numbers or get laid (it's very L.A.), but it is interesting to hear his concept for what it takes to have women become interested in men.

Anyway, the point I'm about to make is he illustrates a concept called a "neg". A "neg" is a put down of sorts, a purposeful statement that you make to put down a girl and seem as though you don't have interest in her, even though that's exactly what you have. Example: "she's a pain in the ass. How do you all hang out with her? (said to her friends in a group setting).

As an observer of people, I've watched some guys who are just money at this concept. One of my friends negs his girlfriend all the time. And she flocks to him, playfully says "stop", gives him kisses, rubs his shoulders.

I'm starting to think that most women respond to this. When I was half in/still figuring out my current girlfriend, she was all into me. Once I fell for her and was "in" all the way, she got scared and backed away. I'm starting to think it's time to work on my "negging". What do you all think? It's an interesting discussion point at least...