Anybody ever date a INTJ? | Page 3 | INFJ Forum

Anybody ever date a INTJ?

Ah, yes, me. ;D Sorry I didn't see this thread before.

I am an INFJ male dating an INTJ female, and I like it very much. :) I'm not sure what I can say that hasn't already been said, and a lot of what I have to say has to be taken with the information that neither she nor I are extreme examples of our types. I, for example, am fairly balanced on the T/F scale; I tend to rely on my Ti more than many INFJs, I think.

In terms of emotions, patience is key. On both sides. She's patient with me when I have to leave the room because of some embarrassing thing happening on television, and I'm patient with her if she's a little slower to express how she feels than I am.

I have to stress that it's just a matter of expression. I think anyone who claims that an INTJ feels any less intensely cannot back up such a claim. They just express it less intensely.

We've never actually had a fight, in terms of yelling or attacking one another, though we have disagreed on things. We see eye to eye or the vast majority of issues, but the few things we can't come to a consensus on, we just don't argue about much. For example, I am an atheistic materialist, whereas she is more of a pantheist. We just disagree on this, but it doesn't affect our lives, so it's not really an issue.

There's a lot of things I like about her, that would be difficult to find in other types. For example, I don't have to me a macho man with her, and she doesn't have to be a ultra-feminine girly girl with me. It's quite amusing, actually, how we reverse gender roles in many ways. :) We both know how to enjoy silence, and share the same values.

I'm having a hard time coming up with any real complaints... hmm. There is a small one, and that is that she needs to be right a lot of the time. Sometimes, it's better just not to pursue a point in an argument. This doesn't mean say "Ok, you're right," which I've never done unless I meant it, but rather to just... let the argument slip away, so to speak. Don't challenge the point in some cases.

That's a very minor thing, though; I'm very pleased with the relationship overall.


WOW, this is like reading about my own relationship! Very true!
 
I agree with you to a point, and I almost left him for this, but INTJ's dont have empathy, they really dont. They cannot understand feelings, hell they cant even understand anything illogical. Picture SPOCK...and trying to get him to feel empathy for you (Im not typing SPOCK People just settle down, I am merely pointing out a resemblance). It doesnt happen. And to them it does not compute. They cannot fathom it. REALLY I have tried to explain it. I love this man, and he infuriates me to no end. Yes the emotional rollercoaster bite my ass, and drain me of all emotional energy. But it doesnt happen all the time. The instances I spoke about are very few and far between, we get along like the best of friends. There are going to be ups and downs in any relationship, its the nature of the beast. Dont let them discourage you, you never know where you will find that one person who really completes you.

(AND before you all get down my throat, this is MY INTJ, not every INTJ...so yea...)

First, this is not in reference to your particular relationship, since that's personal, so I'm speaking generally. And it's not so much about finding someone who completes anyone, but realizing that some patterns are just not good for self-esteem or relationship, whatever the type. There is a point when emotional health will and should trump feelings of love or completeness. It's not good in the long term for anyone to continue in relationships where their emotional and psychological health is compromised, especially if the other partner is unable to grow and change because of arrogance, or unable to see anything but their own perspective. In any case, it ultimately depends on the maturity of both persons in the relationship. And it's not good to romanticize the qualities of any type as it leads to a wrong impression of the realities of being in a relationship with that person in the long run.
 
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First, this is not in reference to your particular relationship, since that's personal, so I'm speaking generally. And it's not so much about finding someone who completes anyone, but realizing that some patterns are just not good for self-esteem or relationship, whatever the type. There is a point when emotional health will and should trump feelings of love or completeness. It's not good in the long term for anyone to continue in relationships where their emotional and psychological health is compromised, especially if the other partner is unable to grow and change because of arrogance, or unable to see anything but their own perspective. In any case, it ultimately depends on the maturity of both persons in the relationship. And it's not good to romanticize the qualities of any type as it leads to a wrong impression of the realities of being in a relationship with that person in the long run.


I see your point, I really do. But having been with an INTJ for a decade, im telling you there is not a lot of compromise. And Im not saying all INTJ's are like that. The questions was raised about experience in relationships with INFJ and INTJ's and that is mine. AND im not saying ALL INFJ/INTJ relationships will flourish, they wont. Your right it depends on the maturity, but it also depends on the strength of each person, a weak INFJ (weak vulnerable, and needy) will get eaten alive by an INTJ. And an INTJ can get smothered by an overly agressive INFJ, and completely shut out all emotion.
In a perfect world yea everyone would have all their physical, emotional and psycological needs met by the one they love, but this is far from a perfect world. Aside from that love is supposed to drive you crazy until you cant see straight. Its supposed to blind you to the other persons faults, flaws and inadequcies. Its supposed to drain you, and leave you a vulnerable husk for them to do unto you what they will...part of love is trusting that when your knocked down, they will always pick you back up again. You dont choose who you love no more than you can choose who your parents are.
 
. . . a weak INFJ (weak vulnerable, and needy) will get eaten alive by an INTJ. And an INTJ can get smothered by an overly agressive INFJ, and completely shut out all emotion. .

Likely, yes, but my point is that whatever type or relationship, compromise is always going to be an important element in the success of any long term relation. Reducing everything to weak or strong is not good if it encourages someone to think it is ok to continue being tough and arrogant instead of being willing to grow and learn in a relationship, however in love you may be.

Its supposed to blind you to the other persons faults, flaws and inadequcies. Its supposed to drain you, and leave you a vulnerable husk for them to do unto you what they will...part of love is trusting that when your knocked down, they will always pick you back up again. You dont choose who you love no more than you can choose who your parents are.

I understand, and I see your point. Sounds a bit like a romanticized view of love. Not sure if this experienced by most. I think many partners of differing types will have great love. I don't think it is healthy to promote an idealized image of love, because when the reality sets in and it is nothing as someone expects (although it may be good), it may lead to great disappointment, dissatisfaction, and an unwillingness to compromise in the relationship.
 
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I understand, and I see your point. Sounds a bit like a romanticized view of love. Not sure if this experienced by most. I think many partners of differing types will have great love, without the fairytale.


Thats me ever the romantic. I think its possible for everyone...though most people have given up on it, settling for just loving some one enough to spend a lengthy amount of time with them.

I have had this fairy tale love as you call it...I will not admit to having it with my husband because, it is really not the same. 12 years ago, he died. I nearly did myself. I still love him, i will never be able to stop.
I have great love now, and having known this "Fairy tale love" as you call it, i find some aspects of great love lacking...Not the point. They point is anyone can find it. its there...and no its not always happily ever after.
 
Likely, yes, but my point is that whatever type or relationship, compromise is always going to be an important element in the success of any long term relation. Reducing everything to weak or strong is not good if it encourages someone to think it is ok to continue being tough and arrogant instead of being willing to grow and learn in a relationship, however in love you may be.


I agree with you 100% there is no excuse for arrogance. Yes, strength should not matter, but it does.
 
Well, I really appreciate everyone's responses. I didn't expect such an overwhelming response with lots of great thoughts.

And yes, I'm still loving the INFJ/INTJ pairing!
 
My INTJ best friend told me something today that really clicked with me.

She said, "We don't believe in happiness."

She followed up by saying that happiness exists and she has experienced it, but she doesn't believe in it, in the way that someone doesn't believe they can control the weather. Happiness is a condition that happens, fleeting, and then is gone. To her, happiness as a state, an ideal, or something to be sought after just doesn't make any sense.

...and that's when it clicked...

INFJs see the world as it could be on an emotional level.
INTJs see the world as it could be on an efficiency level.

We use our Ni to see how the world could be a better place on an emotional, philosophical, idealistic level. They use their Ni to see how the world could be a better place on a relative, logical, efficiency level.

The point at which INFJs and INTJs don't connect is that we are not driving toward the same end goal, even though they are very similar. INFJs and INTJs are both trying to create a perfect world, but our prefect worlds cannot be seen by one another. The INTJ perfect world is simple, efficient, and is what it is because it is understood. The INFJ perfect world is a benevolent, pure, and happy place which makes no sense to INTJs because it isn't practical.

When INTJs demand that we place practicality above our ideals, we get offended, frustrated, and may even lose respect for them.
When INFJs demand that they place ideals above practicality, they get offended, frustrated, and may even lose respect for us.

This is the formula for a lot, if not the most common, of conflicts between our personality types. Otherwise, it's pretty great, and any INFJ/INTJ couples who have a coping mechanism (or several) for this will do very well.
 
Well, perhaps it's because I'm really trying to develop my F, but happiness is a big thing for me. I mean, yes, I highly esteem efficiency, but efficiency at what? My goal is happiness. I intend to reach that goal efficiently.

Von, perhaps your explanation shows why this can be a great pairing: The INFJ supplies the goal / ideal, and the INTJ supplies the means / efficiency?
 
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She said, "We don't believe in happiness."


INFJs see the world as it could be on an emotional level.
INTJs see the world as it could be on an efficiency level.


When INTJs demand that we place practicality above our ideals, we get offended, frustrated, and may even lose respect for them.
When INFJs demand that they place ideals above practicality, they get offended, frustrated, and may even lose respect for us.

This is a perfect comparison...
 
The INTJ perfect world is simple, efficient, and is what it is because it is understood. The INFJ perfect world is a benevolent, pure, and happy place which makes no sense to INTJs because it isn't practical.

Whoa, there. I know it's cool to make the INTJs out to be automatons, but it's not true. INTJs value efficiency in order to reach the larger goals of whatever the INTJ values (often decided upon by Fi). Descriptions of INTJ personality often assert that Fi is most visible when the INTJ is discussing what is "right" and "good" in the world.
 
Whoa, there. I know it's cool to make the INTJs out to be automatons, but it's not true. INTJs value efficiency in order to reach the larger goals of whatever the INTJ values (often decided upon by Fi). Descriptions of INTJ personality often assert that Fi is most visible when the INTJ is discussing what is "right" and "good" in the world.
*huggles his INTJ*

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I agree with this. :) I think the point about practicality v. ideals is a good one, but it should not be misinterpreted to mean that the INTJ does not have ideals, or does not pursue them. Rather, it has to do more with how ideals are pursued, I think. INTJs are more willing to compromise on some ideals, in order to pursue others. INFJs are more likely to stand their ground on ideals absolutely.

Now, this may make it seem like the INFJ is the more noble position, but there are certainly situations in which refusing to budge on your ideals in one aspect will cause you to lose the ideals battle in all aspects.
 
Odd. I feel like the odd one out. I feel empathy. Lots. If you have a migraine, or if you've lost a loved one, or if you're frightened. I don't tend to feel much though if I think someone is just flipping out, or if it seems like rampant emotionality, or if someone's really excited about something.

I also have this integrity thing going.

Getting better at identifying my own moods and emotions too.

I guess I'm just a wonderful human being. Rudy, do I get a huggle too?
 
I don't think that values and efficiency are mutually exclusive. INTJs just tend to be more comfortable with the efficiency bit, and INFJs with the ideals.

Tbh, any INTJ who frequents the INFJ forums is probably going to be at least moderately acquainted with / accepting of their feelings
 
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I guess I'm just a wonderful human being. Rudy, do I get a huggle too?
Sure! But it's a friendly huggle. :) *huggle*

Storm is specifically my INTJ, you see, so she gets a slightly more-than-friendly huggle. ;)
 
Whoa, there. I know it's cool to make the INTJs out to be automatons, but it's not true. INTJs value efficiency in order to reach the larger goals of whatever the INTJ values (often decided upon by Fi). Descriptions of INTJ personality often assert that Fi is most visible when the INTJ is discussing what is "right" and "good" in the world.

Yes, this is very true.

I wasn't trying to imply that INTJs don't have emotions philosophy or ideals. Nor was I trying to imply that INFJs are impractical, illogical or inefficient. I was simply stating which is more of a priority to each of us, which in turn can be the cause of disagreement when these things come into question.

My INTJ best friend gets upset when I 'imply that she's a robot'. Nothing could be further from the truth. She has very strong emotions, especially once they become too strong for her Te to manage. Just as I never mean to imply such a thing with her, nor did I mean to for any other INTJs.

Every human being has all of the cognitive functions, the only difference in us is the order in which we give them precedence.
 
How do I get an INTJ to date me?
You just need be as adorable as I am! ;)

Hmm...to take the question seriously, there's of course no fool-proof method. The biggest obstacle, is probably finding one, especially a female one (I'm presuming you're heterosexual, though it's not really relevant to the point.)

I got lucky in that this one (Storm) took an interest in me when I joined the INTJ forum. (I should note, though, that at that point I was labeled as, and thought myself, an INtJ, so it wasn't as if she was interested in me because I was INFJ. Another nice feature of INTJ gals is that they tend to go after what they want. ;D That's not really something you can count on, though. As I said, I was lucky.

Once you find one, you'll need her to date you. I still have no idea how this particular feat is best accomplished, but I can, perhaps, offer some advice on getting her to stick around.

1) Don't be needy. This shouldn't be too hard to understand, but INTJs don't want you to need them, and won't need you. They may like you a very awful lot, and eventually love you, and be devastated if you left, but it's very likely that they will never need you. Accept this, or find another type. :)

2) Offer emotional support, but don't expect them to always take it; don't press too much, especially early on in the relationship. INTJs can be the slowest of any type to open up about their emotions. Once they trust you, it will be very different, but don't rush it. This can be especially hard, since I understand the desire to comfort.

Hmm... I'll think some more; I'm sure there's other things I can add.
 
Yeah. These INFJ's are super hard to find. Elusive creatures hiding under rocks.
 
Yeah. These INFJ's are super hard to find. Elusive creatures hiding under rocks.


Not under rocks...eww we would get our delicate skin dirty...and the fairy's might eat us! Were elusive yes but that's because you don't know what we really are till you get to know us...and that's a difficult thing...YOu could meet me on the street tomorrow and not peg me instantly for an INFJ...Its called defense mechanism. Yes we are rare...I have only ever met two others outside of this board of course.