Anybody ever date a INTJ? | INFJ Forum

Anybody ever date a INTJ?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by analyst, Sep 16, 2009.

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  1. analyst

    analyst Newbie

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    Just started seeing one. I don't know that I've ever had that pairing before (INFJ male, INTJ female). I'm digging it thus far, but it's been a few days. We generally agree on stuff, and when we don't we yell "thinker", "feeler" at each other. It's pretty cute...

    Feedback please (if ya got it).
     
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  2. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Yup, I have.

    You'll have good days and bad days, like any other couple. Treat each other like humans and you won't go wrong. ;)
     
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  3. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    I'm interested to see how that will turn out! I have a female INTJ friend, and she's a very sweet person while still keeping that blunt edge :D Either way, I think it might work out great, if you guys maintain all the normal respect and communication stuff.
     
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  4. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    I have, on and off for about a year and a half.

    He inspired and taught me to use parts of my brain I'm not accustomed to and I inspired him to take a different approach to dealing with people.

    It was interesting that we were both so different, kept it fresh and all of that jazz.

    In the end, we couldn't make it work because our approaches to life were so wildly incompatible. I go with the flow and improvise my way through life, and thrive on this. He is set in his ways and structured and it got to the point where he became very critical of the way I lived my life (even of what my personal beliefs or lack there of were) because he just wanted a woman who "made sense."


    But it wasn't the worst experience in dating I've had.
     
  5. WaeV

    WaeV Community Member

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    Heh, I'd like to see the INFJ perspective of this relationship.
     
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  6. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    I *could* go more into detail, but I probably won't because A) It was years ago and B) It did not end on a high note. I loved his innovation and his mind, but he was a frustrating SOB.
     
  7. OP
    analyst

    analyst Newbie

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    Ok, well I'll tune back in. It's been a good 5 days.

    One other thing to note: it's long distance (2 hour drive), so we're doing the see each other on weekends and talk on the phone during the week thing. As an INFJ who gets into relationships too fast, this is a good thing.

    At this point, I've gotta say that I really enjoy the way the INTJ mind works and don't see any compatibility issues with it. I think, as one of you said, if we're working at it, it'll be ok.

    I think it's a very nice pairing. Then again, who doesn't like their pairing after 5 days ;-)
     
  8. WaeV

    WaeV Community Member

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    One thing I remember reading about on the INTJs forum which I can totally agree with - if he's doing something wrong, just tell him. In the example I read, whenever the woman cried, the INTJ would just sit there. TBH, he probably didn't know what he should do. He probably decided to do nothing rather than do the wrong thing. In this case, if you want him to comfort him, all you have to say is "When I'm crying, I want you to hold me instead of just sitting there," or whatever.
     
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  9. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    INTJs are infinitely cute like that :) Clueless, a little bit, but if you tell them what you need with a smile on your face, they will try so hard to give it to you~
     
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  10. Gaze

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    Good to know. INTJ seem very interesting but they don't "seem" clued in to the emotions, based on what many here say. They seem to fear emotions or emotional responses, and I know this is generalizing, but I'd love someone to explain how to relate to an INTJ on their level so to speak.
     
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  11. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    ENTPs too. We just hide it.
     
  12. gloomy-optimist

    gloomy-optimist Used to live here

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    That happens a lot with types that have a F function in the tertiary position, I've noticed. But ExTPs are different -- they tend to give off an air of arrogance, as if they have all the answers and are impenetrable, but they have a much softer inside. If they do come to care, they care very much and can be easily hurt -- it just takes them a while to get to that point.
     
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  13. Lurker

    Lurker Has nothing to destroy
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    OP, try Rudy.
     
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  14. Radiant1

    Radiant1 Newbie

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    I'm laughing at the bolded part above, as it sounds so familiar!

    I dated an INTJ for 1-1/2 years, we took a 9 month hiatus, and we're recently back together again. We get along famously when we're not trying to kill each other. :)

    In my experience:
    - My INTJ (he) is willing to shuck a relationship, friendships or what have you, if they are no longer "useful" to him regardless of how he may feel; a utilitarian mindset, ugh!
    - He can come across as being arrogant, as he relies so heavily on his logic; he's right and the rest of the world is wrong.
    - He often comes across as being cold, but that's just his nature; he really does have feelings, I just have to work at getting him to recognize and express them.
    - I cannot look to him for sympathy; instead, I will receive a lecture on the logic of why such-and-such happened, why I should have expected it, and why I should avoid it in the future. Although he is usually right, sympathy is not his realm per se, it's mine.
    - He doesn't insist on dragging my homebody-self out to parties or to socialize in large groups.
    - He respects my space.
    - He can hold deep meaningful conversations with me.
    - He often holds the same ethical/moral views as I do.
    - We challenge each other in the different areas of our reasoning abilities.

    I'm sure there is more, but that's it off the top of my head.
     
  15. DevinLight

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    Hey guys i'm new here, first post! I'm also an INTJ with strong I,T,J and mildly strong N (70%)

    I think for an INTJ it is not the fact that we dont like emotional topics. Infact i love talking about relationships because the possibilites are endless and its definantly one of the more complicated topics to explain thoroughly.

    For me, i have a hard time trusting people. It is very easy for me to see your intentions the first time I meet you. People often think that we are aloof and don't see their intentions, which can be hurtful and misguided, but we see them crystal clear.

    Try to be flaky with me, or undependable and i'll simply stop talking to you. We OVERreact to people hurting us. It really breaks us because we set such high standards for ourselves, we think through our date with you, or our meeting with you over and over and over again. Then if we are fooled, maybe you didn't like me after all or worse, you played me, we are broken. All that thought has failed, and so then, has our system. It takes many years to repair it or for another person to come along and repair it or reinforce that we were correct in the first place. So we put up walls and let in only the very few who have shown their trustworthyness to us.

    In the beginning, most INTJs to try and work these relationship failures out. But its so taxing on us because most other personalitiy types don't argue/reason logically in an "emotional" argument. And that causes us to just go haywire.

    We really dont mind carrying the world on our shoulders, but we hate when people come and abuse that kind of steadyness and dependability. I think thats why we aren't very good at emotional outbreaks.
     
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  16. Gaze

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    Sounds fair. Thanks for responding.
     
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  17. SpoofyMcPoof

    SpoofyMcPoof Community Member

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    I just started dating one two weeks ago and we're now exclusive (he brought it up, not me...weird). The biggest thing I notice is the social awkwardness...which I didn't mind because of the five hour awesome conversation that happened on our second date. Another odd thing I've noticed is that he doesn't often share his thoughts with me...I can tell he is thinking but when I ask him what he says nothing...or 'about how awesome I am". I have an inkling that he may just be thinking about random things and maybe he thinks I would be offended if I knew he was just thinking mundane things while we were hanging out or something. I dunno...but it's a little frustrating since I enjoy knowing people's thoughts since they can spark good conversation.

    He's otherwise super affectionate, interesting, quirky, and generally fun.

    I havent met an INTJ before this, so it's a little weird interacting with him.
     
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  18. Kavalan

    Kavalan Has risen

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    Being an INTJ and reflecting on what goes through my head... It can be summed up as a ticker tape with thoughts ranging from the mundane of how much I love cake to the technical Schr
     
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  19. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    Depends on the person. Some people, we can get there in a few minutes of conversation.
     
  20. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    I'm an INFJ male who's dated two INTJ females, and my best friend is an INTJ female.

    There has been a lot of good advice so far. I've especially enjoyed the "it was great when we weren't trying to kill each other" comments.

    My experience is this, INTJs see the world like we do but they think completely different than we do. This causes an amazing kinship because we're on the same page so often, but can cause epic clashes because we disagree on what we both see so clearly.

    Here are a few tips to add to those above:

    INTJ females keep their F function in check most of the time, but they are still females, which means their F function is going to pop out from time to time in very large and often uncontrolled bursts because they don't have a lot of skill in wielding it. When their F function comes out, be prepared for nothing resembling rational (to INFJ reasoning) because it is Fi, which is the opposite of our Fe. When it comes out, back off and let them have the floor. It may sound patronizing, but whatever they say or feel in that moment is right (even if we know to the core of our being it is not, and especially if it looks like a personal attack on you) because Fi will be severely antagonized by trying to control, improve, or admonish it. Let her get it out of her system, and I can assure you she'll be right back to rational. Give her as much time as she needs to let it out, which will rarely be more than a few hours, and seldom more than a few days. She'll let you know when she's done because she'll 'go back to normal' and will likely appologize. While she's doing this, it is much better to say you need a moment to think or you're getting too emotional and need a pause for a moment than to just nod and act like you're ignoring her. She really needs to be heard, but will respect you for being upfront. Once you're caught up to her, get back in there and let her continue until she is done. I promise you, it will be worth it. She'll be an amazing partner for a long time after that.

    Because she's a female, her elevated F function will almost always work to the advantage of the relationship. However, it is Fi, which means she's going to have trouble seeing how things are supposed to be (according to Fe reasoning). Resist the temptation to rebuke any notions that seem immoral, callous, or self serving before you have a chance to consider them. The biggest advantage of an INFJ / INTJ relationship is the fact that we see clearly in each others' blind spots. Her ability to see into your blind spots comes from her Te/Fi reasoning, and from time to time it is going to seem alien to you. Learn to accept it as the advantage that it is, and she will actually help you become a much better all around person. You'll also begin to see that INTJs are actually very benevolent and moral people... just from a perspective entirely foreign to our own.

    But, bear in mind that she's a T dominant girl, so from time to time there are going to be some notably not girly behaviors. Again, this generally works out very well for the INFJ male in almost all cases. However, sometimes it doesn't. For instance, none of my INTJ girls rated hygiene highly, and I had to remind them to shower when they got smelly. In any instance where you have to nudge them into girly behavior, be gentle and polite, even diplomatic if you can. All of my INTJ girls got offended when it was pointed out that they were doing anything especially un-feminine. They really do want to be feminine, and it's not their fault that they sometimes forget. Ni and Te can really distract them from the girly stuff, or at minimum put it on a lesser priority than other things. Learn to accept this early, regardless of how your Fe wants to feel about it, and the relationship will do very well. The upside to this is that Ni + Te often creates a perspective on sex like a guy, making INTJ females very capable and enthusiastic lovers without unrealistic expectations. Seriously, it's more than a fair trade.

    My INTJ best friend and I have a funny notion we share. I'm always right and she's always correct. If it is a question of right or wrong, I'm always right. If it is a question of correct or incorrect, she's always correct. Also, we realized that very often we can both be right and correct while disagreeing. Sometimes things that seem mutually exclusive are not. You'll do very well to remember both of these when you disagree. It avoids a lot of epic clashes with us.

    Good luck, and I hope it works out. INTJ girls are one of the best pairs for INFJ guys that are possible.
     
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    #20 VH, Sep 22, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2009
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