Any of you with INFPs?
- Thread starter TK*
- Start date
Hm...let's think about it.
IN...FU.... Hrmmmmm. F....U....Hrmmm....CK...YOU?
What could it mean?
More seriously, Hotherym, it does sound like your INFP is a little messed up. Part of being ridiculously sensitive is part of the INFP package. Intimacy issues, also part of the package...or seemingly part of the package with their annoying Fi functions. Dependence I usually spot with really really insecure INFPs. My bf constantly worries if he's being too dependent, he tells me women in his past had told him that before. (He's not with me...it's cute that he "tries" not to be, and double checks himself lol) But manipulative?
Sounds to me like you have an EXTREMELY insecure INFP. Of all the types I've met, unhealthy INFPs are the absolute worst to deal with. If you feel like you're in a toxic relationship, you should definitely think of moving out of it. I think I might've talked to you before in the past in the INFPgc chat.
IN...FU.... Hrmmmmm. F....U....Hrmmm....CK...YOU?
What could it mean?
More seriously, Hotherym, it does sound like your INFP is a little messed up. Part of being ridiculously sensitive is part of the INFP package. Intimacy issues, also part of the package...or seemingly part of the package with their annoying Fi functions. Dependence I usually spot with really really insecure INFPs. My bf constantly worries if he's being too dependent, he tells me women in his past had told him that before. (He's not with me...it's cute that he "tries" not to be, and double checks himself lol) But manipulative?
Sounds to me like you have an EXTREMELY insecure INFP. Of all the types I've met, unhealthy INFPs are the absolute worst to deal with. If you feel like you're in a toxic relationship, you should definitely think of moving out of it. I think I might've talked to you before in the past in the INFPgc chat.
Yeah, it's been an ongoing thing. But it's hard to leave what feels like it would be such an otherwise awesome thing, you know? I love who he is outside of that, and when he's in a mode that lets that through (not often), we're at least very good friends. At least from my perspective.
I know it scares him when he's manipulative, and he's only doing it out of fear, and mostly subconsciously at that. One of the sexier things about him is he's got that capability in the first place, likely learned from his also severely insecure INTP dad. His intelligence is obviously very attractive and how he tends to use it would fit with me, if only...
The funny thing is, in terms of his problems, at this point we've reached a place where we're both aware, whereas at the beginning I was flailing around freaking out and clueless. And best of all is my INFJ way of seeing through his messed-up INFP applied ideals (or as I prefer to call them at the time, 'bullshit').
Aside from all of that, he's got a bent for wanting to help people, or fix their relationships, stuff like that. If only he had developed some self worth as a kid, this could be really awesome.
On a side note, I'm really starting to suspect INFPs are the obvious personality/cognitive result of PTSD genes. So sensitive, more easily scared, with a tendency for avoidance or/and clinginess. He and I have talked about how his family seemed to become more like that, with similar personalities, after a certain point, with relatives having been in the war. In my family, the same sort of thing applies, and we all tend to be really sensitive intuitors, my mom almost certainly having been INFP herself.
Just thought I'd add for thought.
I know it scares him when he's manipulative, and he's only doing it out of fear, and mostly subconsciously at that. One of the sexier things about him is he's got that capability in the first place, likely learned from his also severely insecure INTP dad. His intelligence is obviously very attractive and how he tends to use it would fit with me, if only...
The funny thing is, in terms of his problems, at this point we've reached a place where we're both aware, whereas at the beginning I was flailing around freaking out and clueless. And best of all is my INFJ way of seeing through his messed-up INFP applied ideals (or as I prefer to call them at the time, 'bullshit').
Aside from all of that, he's got a bent for wanting to help people, or fix their relationships, stuff like that. If only he had developed some self worth as a kid, this could be really awesome.
On a side note, I'm really starting to suspect INFPs are the obvious personality/cognitive result of PTSD genes. So sensitive, more easily scared, with a tendency for avoidance or/and clinginess. He and I have talked about how his family seemed to become more like that, with similar personalities, after a certain point, with relatives having been in the war. In my family, the same sort of thing applies, and we all tend to be really sensitive intuitors, my mom almost certainly having been INFP herself.
Just thought I'd add for thought.
That's too bad. Unfortunately, gaining self-worth is something only he can do for himself by himself. INFPs and low self-esteem seem to go hand-in-hand for some reason. At least with those I'VE known. As much potential as this guy has, that's no reason to stick around in a bad relationship. (There are more INFPs out there though! And if not INFPs, INTPs!)
I think genes play some part in personality too.
I think genes play some part in personality too.
My ex is an INTP, we get along ok in most respects so long as intimacy isn't involved. He just never felt 'right' for me, and neither have the other INTPs I've known. I wonder why that is, since it's such a cliché pairing.
Yeah, when you say he can only do it himself, he seems quite aware of that. It's just will power that's the problem, because of the way he grew up. I know that's actually a really common problem, I keep running into it. Like he and I've talked about, it leave an empty feeling that people end up trying to fill through other means, which causes everything from addictions to full force personality disorders. It's really sad.
One thing he said is that he always feels like he's craving acceptance, especially at his work, or if we're being intimate. It's this that sets him off and makes the relationship just...GUH. He covers it with anything he can find, basically, which is often other people's ideals, since he never formed his own. he says he can feel how insatiable that desire is.
And that's the thing, he's aware of this stuff. I figure at this point I'm going to sit it out and see where he goes with it, but you're absolutely right that he can only do it on his own. If he can do that, this will work...unless he doesn't want me, that is.
Ah, I really like being able to talk about this. I'm realizing that's been a huge part of the issue is that I keep it so quiet, and never talk to anyone about it. I'm always afraid they're going to say "dump that zero and get yourself a hero!" and chastise me for staying in it before they really know what's going on. I can see their point, but it's hard to talk to anyone when the only advice is to get out.
In fact, talking about it now, I realize that it's not being able to talk about it that's made it so volatile, even toxic, rather than just him and his problems. Wow, it's pretty sad I'm just realizing that!
Anyway, I'll update on here what happens. That ought to be insightful for anyone who has any similar problems and comes looking, should that ever occur.
Yeah, when you say he can only do it himself, he seems quite aware of that. It's just will power that's the problem, because of the way he grew up. I know that's actually a really common problem, I keep running into it. Like he and I've talked about, it leave an empty feeling that people end up trying to fill through other means, which causes everything from addictions to full force personality disorders. It's really sad.
One thing he said is that he always feels like he's craving acceptance, especially at his work, or if we're being intimate. It's this that sets him off and makes the relationship just...GUH. He covers it with anything he can find, basically, which is often other people's ideals, since he never formed his own. he says he can feel how insatiable that desire is.
And that's the thing, he's aware of this stuff. I figure at this point I'm going to sit it out and see where he goes with it, but you're absolutely right that he can only do it on his own. If he can do that, this will work...unless he doesn't want me, that is.
Ah, I really like being able to talk about this.
I'm realizing that's been a huge part of the issue is that I keep it so quiet, and never talk to anyone about it. I'm always afraid they're going to say "dump that zero and get yourself a hero!" and chastise me for staying in it before they really know what's going on. I can see their point, but it's hard to talk to anyone when the only advice is to get out.In fact, talking about it now, I realize that it's not being able to talk about it that's made it so volatile, even toxic, rather than just him and his problems. Wow, it's pretty sad I'm just realizing that!
Anyway, I'll update on here what happens. That ought to be insightful for anyone who has any similar problems and comes looking, should that ever occur.
I didn't realize that mushy gushy romantic men existed until I met the infp that I am about to marry in November. Sometimes I can't believe how sweet and passionate he is! I love it! He's like what I used to dream about before I got so wounded. It's so wonderful to be with someone who needs the touchy, cuddly, romantic relationship as much as I do. Not that there are not any issues but they are minor and we actaully communicate about them. But I did want to discuss with others who are infj's with infp's
I am also with an INFP. I know what you mean. We've been together for 8 years and though he drives me nuts, we have an emotional connection that is hard to break. He, too, has severe emotional problems due to a tragic childhood. And I try to help, but it's so overwhelming! Sometimes I just want to run away. But I don't want to hurt him. I just want him to be happy. But there's only so much one person can handle, though! Argh! He has such a sweet heart, too!
I always thought I want to be with an emotional guy.
Well, I kind of was with an INFP for ... 5 months or so. Not a long relationship but I've known him for 1,5 years now. We also met online, I never thought of it actually growing into anything - let alone, meeting him irl. I was at a very difficult and low point in my life, and he was the only person who was really interested in me at that point, and he was so patient and appecting of me. Later on he told me on 'testing me' in several ways - seeing if I was worthy of it all, I guess.
I fell, not actually sure should I use that word as I didn't feel like I was "in love with him", for his gentleness and caring nature, I'd never had anyone care me like that in my life.
But I don't know if he was a very very insecure INFP, because I can relate to a lot that has been written here - the "quiet manipulation" and depedency. I didn't act very well on my part either, I just kinda sort of... Ran away from it, because he started to be too dependent. It felt like he just wanted "somebody" to be there FOREVER, seriously, that's what he wanted, me to be there FOREVER.
I'm very caring in my own way too, and didn't want to hurt his feelings, but... He wanted me to be his "everything", while I also want to keep my independency and other outlets for my feelings and stuff. And I disliked this pedastal he put me on, I still think he has a very idealized image of me in his head, I always felt bad because it felt like fooling into believing something that wasn't real. But he was the sweetest, the most patient human being.
Also, he was too similar in regarding how he spent his freetime, his introversion... I didn't know how to react all the time, so I had to suffocate a lot of me in his company. It's more comfortable for me to be around more spontaneous, extraverted types because I feel like letting out my crazyness in their company - I feel like 'I'm allowed and encouraged to'. I just have _more fun_ with them usually. Plus us together = lots and lots of misunderstandings and increased sensitivity and anxiety for both of us.
But I love that INFP to death as a human being and as a friend. He did heal me a great deal. I'm always going to be grateful for him for all his patience and belief in me.
Well, I kind of was with an INFP for ... 5 months or so. Not a long relationship but I've known him for 1,5 years now. We also met online, I never thought of it actually growing into anything - let alone, meeting him irl. I was at a very difficult and low point in my life, and he was the only person who was really interested in me at that point, and he was so patient and appecting of me. Later on he told me on 'testing me' in several ways - seeing if I was worthy of it all, I guess.
I fell, not actually sure should I use that word as I didn't feel like I was "in love with him", for his gentleness and caring nature, I'd never had anyone care me like that in my life.
But I don't know if he was a very very insecure INFP, because I can relate to a lot that has been written here - the "quiet manipulation" and depedency. I didn't act very well on my part either, I just kinda sort of... Ran away from it, because he started to be too dependent. It felt like he just wanted "somebody" to be there FOREVER, seriously, that's what he wanted, me to be there FOREVER.
I'm very caring in my own way too, and didn't want to hurt his feelings, but... He wanted me to be his "everything", while I also want to keep my independency and other outlets for my feelings and stuff. And I disliked this pedastal he put me on, I still think he has a very idealized image of me in his head, I always felt bad because it felt like fooling into believing something that wasn't real. But he was the sweetest, the most patient human being.
Also, he was too similar in regarding how he spent his freetime, his introversion... I didn't know how to react all the time, so I had to suffocate a lot of me in his company. It's more comfortable for me to be around more spontaneous, extraverted types because I feel like letting out my crazyness in their company - I feel like 'I'm allowed and encouraged to'. I just have _more fun_ with them usually. Plus us together = lots and lots of misunderstandings and increased sensitivity and anxiety for both of us.
But I love that INFP to death as a human being and as a friend. He did heal me a great deal. I'm always going to be grateful for him for all his patience and belief in me.
Last edited: