always the 'friend' ?

~jet

~jet

Director of Space Exploration
MBTI
INFJ
Enneagram
4w5 or 5w4, so/sp/sx
Do the INFJs around here often find themselves sidelined into the role of the 'trusted friend' instead of 'trusted love interest?'

Just curious; seems to happen to me a lot.
 
With the little relationship experience i've had, umm . . . yeah. But i guess you realize in the end that it probably wasn't the right person for you anyway. One lesson to learn is not allow anyone to "use" you (for lack of a better word), because people will do that. When they see a trusted friend/good listener, they will tend to take advantage of this. So, don't let yourself be seen as just a friend who is always available. You have to assert yourself in that sense to help them to realize that.
 
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I'm usually the person who people pretend that were just friends, but then they hit on me or try to slide in there.
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It's strange. Among my close friends I do end up being the one people entrust with things. I hear a lot of "don't tell anyone I said this" or "this is just between me and you." What's stranger is even someone I didn't know as well as my close group of friends considered me to be someone "who listens" and I became someone she would talk to about her problems as well. I don't ever put myself in the position of "love interest" so I can't answer that part of the question.
 
Heh no, I find it painfully difficult keeping my friends as just friends. I tend to have mostly male friends since well, it just works out that way. I enjoy friendships with guys the best (possibly do to my uber-nerdiness). However since INFJ's tend to be overly affectionate and sympathetic at times (if not constantly), it often gets misinterpreted, or even when its not, feelings are often created in the other party against their greater judgement or desire.

Though sometimes, thats how the best relationships start :).
 
When they see a trusted friend/good listener, they will tend to take advantage of this. So, don't let yourself be seen as just a friend who is always available. You have to assert yourself in that sense to help them to realize that
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agreed ^

I tend to have mostly male friends since well, it just works out that way. I enjoy friendships with guys the best
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this reminded me of that ladder theory thread awhile back d:
 
Yeah, but if I feel like I'm only being used as an emotional tampon then I'll sever all ties.

To clarify a wonderful friendship with established boundaries I cherish and enjoy. A hazy no mans land where the woman in question leads me to thinking that there is more to the relationship is completely frustrating and to be avoided at all costs.
 
I'm curious about your eye avatar jet. Is that an eye, or something more sexual?
I have looked at it from several angles and I can't see how that could be any animals eye, the lines are all wrong.
 
No, if anything it usually happens the other way around where I want to be friends and she wants to be something more. I mean sure I've been stuck in the "just friends" category but it's not often.
 
no my life is generally not like this. if i get to be friends with a gay man he will inevitably ask me for sex and often repeatedly, something like how vancouver says. occasionally girls also express interest in sex with me. i have frequently desired men who were not interested in me but this situation has never arisen out of a friendship.
 
Happened a lot during early dating attempts. Significantly less since I've developed an attitude: if you're not interested then stop teasing and gtfo. I'm 29 btw.
 
I'm unable to be good friends with someone if there's sexual tension on one or both sides. That said, although I've never been a people person and I'm not particularly affectionate, people do confide in me a lot, both friends and acquaintances. I too get a lot of "Don't tell anyone but...". I liked being considered a good listener for a few years but it became tiresome and I find myself becoming weighed down by other people's problems. Nowadays I prefer to have less than a handful of close friends and keep others at a distance. But even still, whenever I get to know someone, even a guy I'm perhaps interested in, they'll end up offloading and I'll end up listening. It doesn't mean a guy doesn't fancy me but because he's disclosed too much personal information (I don't ask, really), it seems that might be the reason he'll choose to have a relationship with someone else, not me. Could this be because they think I might use information against them? I doubt I would but I can imagine myself thinking along those lines if I disclosed too much. I really want to change this dynamic but being an introverted, introspective and naturally empathic person, I have no idea how to!
 
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Pre-Raphaelite said:
It doesn't mean a guy doesn't fancy me but because he's disclosed too much personal information (I don't ask, really), it seems that might be the reason he'll choose to have a relationship with someone else, not me. Could this be because they think I might use information against them? I doubt I would but I can imagine myself thinking along those lines if I disclosed too much. I really want to change this dynamic but being an introverted, introspective and naturally empathic person, I have no idea how to!
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I can definitely relate to the last sentence.
 
Depends on who is your interest. I haven't met INFJs who aren't pursued by many admirers, but they don't even consider them.
 
"Just the friend" describes me well. I have two friends who were previous romantic interests of mine that sort of flopped into the friend zone. It doesn't bother me any more because I just consider them friends now; I don't think a relationship with either one would have worked, anyway.

I'm not their emotional tampon, though; they treat me like a real friend. I seem to get along with women a lot better than I do guys. The only guys I seem to get along with are guys like me, who have a lot of lady friends or a feminine-like aspect to them in conversation. I find this very odd, honestly. I don't know what to make of it, just male conversations bore the hell out of me while female conversations I can actually take an interest in.

My best friend when I was little was a girl, I think this plays a big role in it. In some management class I saw a video on how little boys socialize and how little girls socialize; I very much identified with the way women socialize. Cooperating with each other, avoiding arguments, and not trying to one-up each other.

Little boys always do the, "My dad has a big truck!" "Well, my dad drives a huuuuge semi-truck at work! It's bigger!"

These goals of socializing seem to persist throughout ones life, only the interactions become more complex and nuanced.
 
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Shai Gar said:
I'm curious about your eye avatar jet. Is that an eye, or something more sexual?
I have looked at it from several angles and I can't see how that could be any animals eye, the lines are all wrong.
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No, it's an eye... just some thing I tried drawing in order to get used to using a wacom tablet. My 'world' of fiction includes many variants of 'draconia' (sibling branch to birds in a world that never had a dinosaur extinction) so that's probably the eye of a dragon or a jawn or azroh or something like that. Didn't put a whole lot of thought into it.
 
Yes! And it used to annoy me to no end. It would make me think that maybe I wasn't attractive enough for guys to notice me in that manner, especially when they would babble on and on about other girls. But like Res said, usually, in the long run,, I find that they are no good for me.


And like DoveAlexa, I am more drawn to guys as friends, mostly due to the fact that they seem to get me more than girls...minus the drama too
 
SouloftheLaurel said:
And like DoveAlexa, I am more drawn to guys as friends, mostly due to the fact that they seem to get me more than girls...minus the drama too
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Heh, yeah, and when you have a fight everything is usually fine and back to normal the next day if not the day after. With other women... Uhg. They decide that you are now mortal enemies, they try to rally everyone to their side with lies of your evil and get you ousted from your mutual groups. The anger and hate usually lasts years, if not forever.
One time all I did was refuse to do scrambled eggs twice in a row in cooking class and suddenly my best friend was my worst enemy. She was a nutter though, cut herself for attention starting the year before.
 
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