Advice on unhealthy INFJ

[Ghoulia Yelps]

Hi there. I have a question about unhealthy INFJ and what can be done to snap someone out of this mindset.
Three years ago I met another INFJ who I clicked with instantly. We had pretty much the same mind, same taste in music, sense of humour, everything. I loved him very much. However, he was a sufferer of ME or chronic fatigue, which had pretty much ruled his life from since he was a kid. He had never worked, and was a long term benefit claimant who never even finished school, and in his late thirties still lived with his widowed mother and older brother. I'm telling you this, because, relationship wise, for 99% of people this would be a deal breaker. However, I loved him for his soul, not his situation.
The problem was, although I loved him dearly, and still do, it was difficult to help him. I hated seeing him sick, even though to him it was all he had ever known. I wanted to lift him up out of it all, and make him well and functional. I also hated the way in which he retreated into a dream world at every opportunity. He was a creative type, and had a rich and imaginative dream land, which was more important to him than having real friends. He invented a band and wrote songs which he paid a lot of money to record in a local studio. He really expected to become famous. He really couldn't become famous becuse his band was not real. The final blow was when fell in love with a romanian cam girl and was convinced that she was his soul mate and they were going to get married and he was going to go and live with her in Romania. This was a guy who was so agoraphobic, he couldn't even get on the bus which drove past his house. We split up after a row about the romanian, and he decided to door slam me.
He used a cover story that I had smothered him, and then he decided to slander me, and his family, being very over protective of him, turned against me too. I had seen his potential, and wanted him to get better, but now, two years since this happened, he has not achieved anything. The romanian woman ripped him off and dumped him. He failed to get famous with his pretend band. He has not even left the house, sometimes not even his bed for over a year. He still refuses to speak to me becuse he thinks I interferred with his life. All I wanted was for him to get well. It makes me cry knowing how sick he is.
I think he definitely has ME and agoraphobia, but I'm guessing some form of narcissism or schizotypal disorder too, maybe munchausens or maladaptive daydreaming disorder?
If he is not careful and does not snap out of this, the most he will ever achieve in his life is to be sectioned and end up in care.

 

[lunarious]

Hey, this sounds like me. And I operate by questions "and marathoning" someone out. Go to him and say, can I ask you a question? After that one question keep posing your thoughts in question form. Dont talk to him like a "brother" or "man". Just ask questions.

This would have worked on me. But I have no friends. Only a few I know.

 

[Ghoulia Yelps]

Thank you. There are a lot of questions I would like to ask him, especially, what is he getting out of this?
He will not speak to me. The last time we spoke was over a year ago. I see his mum sometimes, but it is very awkward asking how he is, because I already know he is not doing very well. He was in a wheelchair a few years ago as he lost the ability to walk. At least then, he used to get taken out to things. He liked going to concerts and festivals. Now he has barely even left the house except to go to the studio with his brother for over a year. It is not healthy, not getting out he retreats further into his land of imagination and spends up to sixteen hours a day on the Internet.
I know friends of his who still speak to me, and I have voiced my concerns. I feel like he needs to be given a wake up call or an ultimatum. He has been put into care before, his brother will not always be about for him, and his mum is eighty, I hate to imagine what will happen when she passes on because at her age she shouldn't still be his carer. I can really see him getting put away, and if this happens and he ends up in a care home, they won't care about his music or his desire for fame, they will medicate him and destroy him. He is an intelligent and creative young man. He could do so much better than that.

 

[lunarious]

He lives in England right? How is it there? In Norway I retired and get money, that is the most important issue for me and for him. I dont know if you have a social security service for invalids threre, but it needs to be worked on. And he cant do it alone, nor his mother. Maybe his brother will do if he can. My father fixed for me my social care service (money).

He dreams alot as you say, but I dont think his practical judgment is sound. When you approach him, and ask him questions, try not to be confronting his integrity with your questions. Like "what are you getting out of this"?". In his state I imagine he is terrified and living on minimum (although he doesnt know better) and even questions will scare him and provoke continuity in the rejection and anger. They say fear leads to anger. This will strain him I belive and just to be sure I wouldnt normally ask confronting questions. I would appeal as INFP to peoples creativity and "marathon" them in their pace. I am a bit unclea about marathoning in their pace. I mean that I function like a butler, in the creative realm. I serve. And although I may be ahead in the thought process I would stay one step behind and not too many steps behind so he doesnt felt left, but still cared about.

When one experiences circumstances like mine and his, he becomes "proud". Thats what solitude and alot of thinking does. Even if he is invalid or has ME. ... But who said the care is permanent? .... Try to seek professional help before it is too late and his family disappears, like, sometimes you have to leave the loved ones alone (under care temporarily because you love them. And gold mineral needs to burned (tortured) to become pure.

I wonder if he will ever get out of care, if you cant give him the best give him the next best. And to do it gently he has to conceede, so ask non intimidating questions. I am sorry if I am unclear, but I have similar experiences, i am better at answering focused questions with my "fantasy".

 

[Ghoulia Yelps]

Ok, sorry to see you are banned. But thank you for your responses to my questions.

Yes, we are in England. We have social security and the National Health Service, who do their best to help people. It all depends on whether someone wants help tho. Some people are too stubborn to help.

 

[SarahBS]

I have a friend exactly like yours. We've been good friends for 8 years and we had rows sometimes and then we stop talking to each other for some time and I always reach out to him. I tried to help him with anything I could but nothing really happened since he doesn't want to be helped.

So this time finally I've stopped trying. I just realized that I'm spending lots of time thinking about him getting better while he himself doen't even care. We barely talk these days but I told him that I would be there if he finally decided to finish living like shit.

P.S: Please let me know if you find anything useful

 

[Ghoulia Yelps]

I tried apologising for interfering with his life, and guess what? He accepted my apology. He still has caused loads of trouble for me he isn't sorry for tho. He thinks he is above reproach because he is ill, and likes to use it as an excuse for not being responsible for his actions. He acts as if he is four, not 37. He still doesn't want to see me.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Hi there. I have a question about unhealthy INFJ and what can be done to snap someone out of this mindset.
Three years ago I met another INFJ who I clicked with instantly. We had pretty much the same mind, same taste in music, sense of humour, everything. I loved him very much. However, he was a sufferer of ME or chronic fatigue, which had pretty much ruled his life from since he was a kid. He had never worked, and was a long term benefit claimant who never even finished school, and in his late thirties still lived with his widowed mother and older brother. I'm telling you this, because, relationship wise, for 99% of people this would be a deal breaker. However, I loved him for his soul, not his situation.
The problem was, although I loved him dearly, and still do, it was difficult to help him. I hated seeing him sick, even though to him it was all he had ever known. I wanted to lift him up out of it all, and make him well and functional. I also hated the way in which he retreated into a dream world at every opportunity. He was a creative type, and had a rich and imaginative dream land, which was more important to him than having real friends. He invented a band and wrote songs which he paid a lot of money to record in a local studio. He really expected to become famous. He really couldn't become famous becuse his band was not real. The final blow was when fell in love with a romanian cam girl and was convinced that she was his soul mate and they were going to get married and he was going to go and live with her in Romania. This was a guy who was so agoraphobic, he couldn't even get on the bus which drove past his house. We split up after a row about the romanian, and he decided to door slam me.
He used a cover story that I had smothered him, and then he decided to slander me, and his family, being very over protective of him, turned against me too. I had seen his potential, and wanted him to get better, but now, two years since this happened, he has not achieved anything. The romanian woman ripped him off and dumped him. He failed to get famous with his pretend band. He has not even left the house, sometimes not even his bed for over a year. He still refuses to speak to me becuse he thinks I interferred with his life. All I wanted was for him to get well. It makes me cry knowing how sick he is.
I think he definitely has ME and agoraphobia, but I'm guessing some form of narcissism or schizotypal disorder too, maybe munchausens or maladaptive daydreaming disorder?
If he is not careful and does not snap out of this, the most he will ever achieve in his life is to be sectioned and end up in care.

The stages of umpteen failed relationships:
1. Love this person for who she/he is.
2. Someone changes his/her mind and decide the other person needs to fundamentally change.
3. Attack the problem at every opportunity, trying to get the loved one to change.
4. Start arguing about arguing/criticism/acceptance/etc.
5. Inimical parting of the ways.
6. Both parties attempt to claim the high-ground.

 

[invisible]

It's good of you to care but this person isn't your responsibility. His problems are deeply woven into his being and I doubt any one thing can get him to "snap out" of them. I'm not sure what it is that can bring someone change, but I really don't think that you can give it to them from the outside, I think that they need it to somehow find it in themselves. I think that you should not mind too much what he is getting out of this, but should focus more on what you are getting out of this, because your influence with him does not appear to be very significant.