would you forgive a cheater?

[Odyne]

No. Not a chance in hell. His weakness is not my problem and there is no love where there is betrayal. There are better men out there who can keep it in their pants and remain faithful in a relationship. I will never compromise with this. Just as I hold myself to a high standard of loyalty I expect the same out of my partners.



The only exception I would make is if we had children together. Then, I will try and work things out for the sake of my family, because the only thing that trumps my love for myself is my love for my children.

 

[Rferraris]

This was inspired somewhat by the Have you ever cheated on your partner? thread.

Would you forgive your partner for their weakness if they cheated on you? Would you allow them a chance to regain your trust?

Let us say in this situation you and your partner are very in love with each other, but were perhaps enduring some hard times. It only happened once and they confessed it to you, with obvious guilt and regret and with the expectation that they would most likely be dumped.

I for one, really do feel like I would be willing to forgive it. Humans are prone to making awful mistakes, and so to me, it seems that a one time occurrence could be forgivable. If it happened only once, and they were honest and forthcoming with me about it and I could see and trust that they still very much loved me and did not have feelings for this other person, I'd be willing to give them another chance. If I found out about it through a means other than themselves and it was obvious they had tried to conceal it from me, I don't think it would be so easy for me to let pass. Also it depends on the situation and the "type" of cheating. Did they just sleep with this other person for the physical experience alone, or was it an emotional attachment and were they falling in love with this other person? All of those variables would factor into this I'm sure. I feel I would be much more deeply traumatized if the cheating were emotional. Physical cheating alone would result in extreme amounts of jealousy and distrust, but ultimately I think I would be able to forgive it.

Thoughts?

ETA: Also felt to mention that I do not subscribe to the belief that "once a cheater, always a cheater". Perhaps this is true for some people who have cheated but I do not think it necessarily applies to everyone. I believe people have the ability to learn from their mistakes and I wouldn't automatically assume someone who had cheated in the past would do it again unless they gave me serious reason to think so other than a past offense.

If I tell you I will always be X, and then one day I'm not. I tell you I'm sorry, but I wasn't X yesterday. But I will always be X from now on. And you'd believe me.

 

[This]

If she cheated on me?

I think the best way to put it is that of course I would forgive her, but that does not mean I'd want to remain in a relationship with her. Those two seem to get muddied with relationships far too often.

 

[bionic]

I do not tolerate cheating. It's the ultimate deal breaker next to manipulation, betrayal, or lying in my eyes. He would never regain my trust nor would I ever accept him back, even if I had children with him. I would never allow myself to comply to a person who obviously had no regard for me (or how his actions effect our family) in the first place. No matter the sadness or doubts I may feel, I would never give into my emotions and allow myself to be degraded by him.

After feeling hurt and betrayed, I would eventually forgive him for committing the act so I can move forward with my life - without him.

My dignity & integrity >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> cheating

 

[Rferraris]

Yeah, I am feeling like I am definitely going to be in the minority on this. I can certainly understand why, but I personally find forgiveness to be one of the more enduring and highly telling signs of true love. Though it seems most are not willing to forgive a thing such as this. I don't mean that one ought be forgiving anything and everything just for the sake of it and making yourself a mat to be walked all over and abused by any means. Of course we all have our own personal limits on what is deemed forgivable. But I could really respect and admire a person who was willing to work past their intense hurt to give someone they loved another chance to prove themselves.

If it ever happened again they'd be toast though. One awful mistake, shame on you. Two+ awful mistakes, your ass is out the door or shame on me. There is certainly a difference between forgiving and being a fool.

Forgiveness isn't love. Respect is love. Honor is love. Letting the person be who they are instead of making them who you want is love. Love is an action, not something to say. If I love you, I respect you enough to live up to my words, my promises. I respect you enough to always think of you and not take that for granted.


I understand what happens when you get distracted and find yourself with someone else. I also understand a two year old and their need for constant attention. I understand a two year old thinks everything revolves around them.
I understand it's not easy. It's not easy to have integrity. If it were, it wouldn't mean anything. Breaking my word is unforgivable. Being selfish is weakness.
Taking others for granted when you are supposed to protect them is a disgrace.

 

[the]

In my mind, if you forgive them you dont have to get back or stay with them. I guess that is why I tend to interpret the responses here as overly harsh and heartless.

 

[Quiet]

This was inspired somewhat by the Have you ever cheated on your partner? thread.

Would you forgive your partner for their weakness if they cheated on you? Would you allow them a chance to regain your trust?

Let us say in this situation you and your partner are very in love with each other, but were perhaps enduring some hard times. It only happened once and they confessed it to you, with obvious guilt and regret and with the expectation that they would most likely be dumped.

I for one, really do feel like I would be willing to forgive it. Humans are prone to making awful mistakes, and so to me, it seems that a one time occurrence could be forgivable. If it happened only once, and they were honest and forthcoming with me about it and I could see and trust that they still very much loved me and did not have feelings for this other person, I'd be willing to give them another chance. If I found out about it through a means other than themselves and it was obvious they had tried to conceal it from me, I don't think it would be so easy for me to let pass. Also it depends on the situation and the "type" of cheating. Did they just sleep with this other person for the physical experience alone, or was it an emotional attachment and were they falling in love with this other person? All of those variables would factor into this I'm sure. I feel I would be much more deeply traumatized if the cheating were emotional. Physical cheating alone would result in extreme amounts of jealousy and distrust, but ultimately I think I would be able to forgive it.

Thoughts?

ETA: Also felt to mention that I do not subscribe to the belief that "once a cheater, always a cheater". Perhaps this is true for some people who have cheated but I do not think it necessarily applies to everyone. I believe people have the ability to learn from their mistakes and I wouldn't automatically assume someone who had cheated in the past would do it again unless they gave me serious reason to think so other than a past offense.

I agree with you completely. People cannot be defined by their past actions. We are free beings capable of living our life how ever we choose.
And it is has happened to me before and I did forgive him. There were people in my life at the time that thought I was being weak and stupid. I thought it was the opposite- I was trying to be strong. To move past my own shit- try to listen to and understand the other person, accept them, forgive them, move one and rebuild trust. That definately wasnt taking the easy way out as far as Im concerned. But Im definately not bitter at all, and he and I still have an absolutely awesome friendship.

Mistakes are very useful and are a good thing in my opinion. The best way to learn is through making mistakes. As long as people are open, honest and willing to communicate, I think we are all allowed to make mistakes. Mistakes and experience make us better people. Trust can be broken, but it can also be rebuilt.

And if it so happens that my partner had cheated on me and fallen in love with the other person, I would be happy to end the relationship and wish both people well. If I ever loved that person, I would certainly want them to be happy. Clearly the relationship wasnt working out anyway if something like that can happen. I want my soul mate, not just any relationship. I certainly dont need a relationship to be happy. I want one that will help me grow as a person and help me best person I can be.

I absolutely dont understand jealousy and possesiveness in relationships.
Why would you ever want to be with someone that doesnt want to be with you?
Why would your partner stay with you if he/she wanted to be with someone else?
Why would you waste time being jealous when you could just enjoy what you already have?
People are not possesions. They are living beings that have free will, can learn, adapt and grow.

 

[Rferraris]

In my mind, if you forgive them you dont have to get back or stay with them. I guess that is why I tend to interpret the responses here as overly harsh and heartless.

Yeah. But if this is your wife it's a little different. I'm not talking about some girl that maybe I was tired of anyway.

 

[Odyne]

Uber and This bring up a good point. Forgiving them doesn't mean you have to get back with them, however the way the OP was written, it seems they saw it as one and the same.

In that light, I don't think I would forgive them because I would have to hold a grudge in the first place. I would simply break up and move on. A marriage with children would be a lot more difficult to handle than just that.






Jill, I also disagree that "once a cheater, always a cheater". I think people make mistakes, and sometimes they have to fight with their inner demons, and that's reasonable. I don't look down on their struggle nor do I discount them as trivial. I just don't want it to happen on my account. I am young and I am allowed to look for a partner who is loyal, accountable and responsible. I have love and I love deeply, but I am not going to give it to just anybody. It is conditional on exclusivity, respect and faithfulness. I really dislike it when people make romantic love sound like this supernatural power that triumphs over everything.




In the case of children, if my husband slipped up and made a mistake, I will try and work with him to find it in my heart to forgive him and move on in order to protect the happiness of my family and my children. If it's a reoccurring thing, and there is no love between us anymore, then I believe going our separate ways would the best thing for the kids. Sticking together would just set a bad example.


I am not a mother or a wife yet. I am sure there are challenges I am unable to perceive, but for now, in the context of a young female adult dating another young male adult, with no such commitments, I just won't put up with it. I don't have to.

 

[tfg345i4u5lw]

there is no love where there is betrayal. There are better men out there who can keep it in their pants and remain faithful in a relationship. I will never compromise with this. Just as I hold myself to a high standard of loyalty I expect the same out of my partners.



The only exception I would make is if we had children together. Then, I will try and work things out for the sake of my family, because the only thing that trumps my love for myself is my love for my children.

I agree, a person who cheats on you isn't respecting you as a friend. So they instantly aren't worthy of your love.

I agree with your second statement as well. Once children are involved the rules change. The new goal is to give the children the best upbringing possible, all decisions should be made with the children's best interest in mind.

 

[Rferraris]

.

 

[mochi]

AWWWW HELL NAWwwww!

Do I need to bring Qaadir into the thread again? Do I? XD

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoEN0h6pY_E

 

[Sai]

never.

 

[Apone]

I'd forgive them but I wouldn't trust them and if by forgive you mean take them back then definitely not.

 

[Trifoilum]

Honestly, I can see both.

I can see me forgiving (...and honestly, I hate myself a little for this), and I can see myself going She/Hulk / Instant doorslam "who the HELL are you?" over my partner.

Strangely, the idea is not about the partner in question and his struggles as much as it's about the idea of ME. One ideal of me is to be forgiving.
But of course, like [MENTION=731]uberrogo[/MENTION] and [MENTION=3255]This[/MENTION] had said; forgiving =/= staying. SO DUNNO.

 

[Nixie]

Would I forgive? Probably not. I tend to stay away from absolute personally relevant declarative statements since I believe the universe hates such declarations and seeks to force you to see the error of your ways. I always leave a little room for the other side of the equation to be right as a result.

Choosing to be with me has always been the cornerstone for which I am capable of building trust with a man. Choose not to be with me, there is no us, there is no trust. It takes more energy to re-build a thing (although the potential is there) than it does to start over with some else.

My last long term BF cheated on me. My good friend at the time made it her mission to prove that to me. We all worked together, even the girl he was seeing. My friend dragged me to the warehouse so we could "catch" them together. Sure enough, they were making out in the warehouse at work. The only thing I could really think was that he was my ride home and whether or not I would have to try and find another way home that night. LOL I didn't rage or fight with him. I told him that I wasn't ever going to fight with someone and force them to choose me. I don't have to. I won't. I never looked back and still don't have any regrets. You don't want to be with me...fine.

 

[jupiterswoon]

I did have a high school boyfriend who did cheat on, but I also cheated on him. We were not very serious though. In my relationship that I am in now, I would be very upset and devastated because we are incredibly close, and I would feel very betrayed.

We did go through a period for awhile where I was worried that he might be interested in someone else, and at that time I was completely isolated- at work (in the evenings I work completely alone) and isolated in that I lived faraway from and didn't have any contact with my friends. I watched my ego and confidence slowly dissolve, and as that was happening- he and I stopped having relative interests, he was drinking/smoking/partying, and I had just gotten a job after being unemployed for a long time. I was trying to get my act together, and he was doing drugs. It was a rough patch that lasted for about four months. I felt so cut off from everything and everybody that I almost wanted him to cheat on me so that I could just completely detach- I was very depressed and somewhat suicidal.

Finally after four months, he admitted that he had been unattracted to me- roughly that same amount of time. And I knew that subconsciously I had been pulling away too. When I feel like I might be rejected, I create huge walls and barriers so that I can't get hurt.

I don't think cheating happens in healthy relationships. I think it happens because one partner might be too needy/emotional/not-emotional-enough/etc. At that time I was clinging/alienating him because I felt that I had nothing left, so I became more obsessive and derisive. If I felt that he wasn't paying enough attention to me I lashed out at him.

Eventually this dark period ended, and I emerged a much better, more rational person- because my exaggerated false persona had been completely dissolved. I have grown up a lot since then, and realize now how irrational my fears were. We were able to work through our problems without either partner cheating.

I think cheating happens when there is a complete communication breakdown, and because you still love the other person but don't feel strong enough to leave them or tell them the truth. He was terrified to tell me he hadn't been attracted to me, because of my behavior/demeanor/lack-of-self-esteem. Fortunately he did have the guts to tell me, and I knew what was wrong too, I knew what I needed to change. But part of me did act out and feel hurt, but rationally I knew that I was stagnating.

I am very thankful that we both respect each other that much- that we can be honest with each other. If he had cheated, at that point, I don't know if I could have salvaged enough trust and courage to stay with him, and things probably would have ended. I am very defensive and very prideful, and knowing those things about myself, and how long it took to recover after being told he found me unattractive- I don't know if I could recover from cheating. But, I do know that I would be able to be friends- maybe later, and not right away. But, the emotional connection is so strong, that I don't think I could cut him off, it'd be like cutting off a limb.

As far as cheating in general- it seems some people have lower wills/standards and might cheat "just because". But my hope is, if you are "with" someone, then you love them enough to respect them. I wish open relationships were more accepted in the sense that some people are "roamers" who can't be tied down, and they end up attracting the wrong types and staying in relationships they are unfulfilled by. Those people are out there, they exist, just like my ex. With him, I knew that it was not problem with me, he is just a very adventurous and outgoing guy who thrives on new experiences. With my boyfriend now, I know that he is committed, and that he is not controlled by his libido.

So, in answering this question: If I would forgive a cheater: it depends on the situation, and who the cheater happens to be. With my first boyfriend, I forgave him, especially when I began to understand more about different personality types- I think he's an ESTP. With the boyfriend I'm with now, it's much more passionate and committed, and if there was cheating on his part, it would have to reflect on me and my ability to grow, and his ability to be honest with me and with himself, and the whole relationship.

There's different flavors of cheating, they are not all created equal.

 

[Billy]

Forgive? yes. trust? never again. And since trust is mandatory for me to be with someone, well, obviously it wouldnt work out. Had to learn that the hard way.

 

[Barnabas]

I'd forgive, Lord knows we all make mistakes.

 

[Jill Hives]

Should have been more clear in my OP, obviously forgiving someone can be done without continuing the relationship, but I was trying to specifically put forth the idea of actually staying with someone and trying to make it work/rebuild broken trust after they cheated on you (if for whatever reason you both wanted that). For all our sakes I hope forgiveness after breaking up would be something we'd be able to do, otherwise we'll just hurt ourselves greatly. Anger and resentment eats your soul to pieces, it's icky.

I honestly don't know if I would give someone a chance or not. I would like to think I would, if I really really loved them, and could tell they truly loved me even though they made a mistake... but, I really couldn't say for sure until it was something that I was actually dealing with. And it is the trust issue, as has been brought up. And I hope I don't ever have to deal with it and feel greatly for those who have. :[

Well, to be perfectly honest I have been cheated on. But it was a weird situation in which it was obvious the other person did not want anything more to do with me and didn't love me, because he said so, so there was no decision for me to make. I just gave the finger and said goodbye to both of them, essentially. Maybe it's easier when it happens that way...