would you forgive a cheater?

[Jill Hives]

This was inspired somewhat by the Have you ever cheated on your partner? thread.

Would you forgive your partner for their weakness if they cheated on you? Would you allow them a chance to regain your trust?

Let us say in this situation you and your partner are very in love with each other, but were perhaps enduring some hard times. It only happened once and they confessed it to you, with obvious guilt and regret and with the expectation that they would most likely be dumped.

I for one, really do feel like I would be willing to forgive it. Humans are prone to making awful mistakes, and so to me, it seems that a one time occurrence could be forgivable. If it happened only once, and they were honest and forthcoming with me about it and I could see and trust that they still very much loved me and did not have feelings for this other person, I'd be willing to give them another chance. If I found out about it through a means other than themselves and it was obvious they had tried to conceal it from me, I don't think it would be so easy for me to let pass. Also it depends on the situation and the "type" of cheating. Did they just sleep with this other person for the physical experience alone, or was it an emotional attachment and were they falling in love with this other person? All of those variables would factor into this I'm sure. I feel I would be much more deeply traumatized if the cheating were emotional. Physical cheating alone would result in extreme amounts of jealousy and distrust, but ultimately I think I would be able to forgive it.

Thoughts?

ETA: Also felt to mention that I do not subscribe to the belief that "once a cheater, always a cheater". Perhaps this is true for some people who have cheated but I do not think it necessarily applies to everyone. I believe people have the ability to learn from their mistakes and I wouldn't automatically assume someone who had cheated in the past would do it again unless they gave me serious reason to think so other than a past offense.

 

[Whiskers]

No, regardless of context. They would have lost my respect and trust, and it would be exceedingly difficult for me not to resent them.

 

[Jill Hives]

Yeah, I am feeling like I am definitely going to be in the minority on this. I can certainly understand why, but I personally find forgiveness to be one of the more enduring and highly telling signs of true love. Though it seems most are not willing to forgive a thing such as this. I don't mean that one ought be forgiving anything and everything just for the sake of it and making yourself a mat to be walked all over and abused by any means. Of course we all have our own personal limits on what is deemed forgivable. But I could really respect and admire a person who was willing to work past their intense hurt to give someone they loved another chance to prove themselves.

If it ever happened again they'd be toast though. One awful mistake, shame on you. Two+ awful mistakes, your ass is out the door or shame on me. There is certainly a difference between forgiving and being a fool.

 

[endersgone]

"Did they just sleep with this other person for the physical experience alone, or was it an emotional attachment and were they falling in love with this other person? All of those variables would factor into this I'm sure. I feel I would be much more deeply traumatized if the cheating were emotional. Physical cheating alone would result in extreme amounts of jealousy and distrust, but ultimately I think I would be able to forgive it."

Many of those variables would be impossible to figure out (after trust is lost)...from my limited firsthand experience (which I believe to be "sufficient"), my answer is no. I hope to "better myself", get to where I can forgive this sort of indiscretion...if it's a one time thing, but I don't see it happening anytime soon.

I suppose I should provide a bit more detail for my answer... I was presuming partnership = marriage in the OP (not sure why). Anyway, I've seen what happens to families during this sort of thing, my answer remains the same-> to see a someone completely broken... they're never even close to the person they used to be. They're better off alone, dead, or with someone else... in my opinion anyway.

 

[Stu]

I would only invest my love and trust in a human being.

 

[Whiskers]

Yeah, I am feeling like I am definitely going to be in the minority on this. I can certainly understand why, but I personally find forgiveness to be one of the more enduring and highly telling signs of true love. Though it seems most are not willing to forgive a thing such as this. I don't mean that one ought be forgiving anything and everything just for the sake of it and making yourself a mat to be walked all over and abused by any means. Of course we all have our own personal limits on what is deemed forgivable. But I could really respect and admire a person who was willing to work past their intense hurt to give someone they loved another chance to prove themselves.

If it ever happened again they'd be toast though. One awful mistake, shame on you. Two+ awful mistakes, your ass is out the door or shame on me. There is certainly a difference between forgiving and being a fool.

I think it is also possible to forgive someone in your heart (i.e., cease to harbor resentment towards them) while still terminating the relationship if you believe that is the best course of action. Not that I credit myself with this maturity. XD

 

[Jill Hives]

I would only invest my love and trust in a human being.

So is what you are saying, that in your opinion a cheater =/= a human being?

 

[unpersons]

After my last ex, I could forgive, but I could not forget, nor take one back. I would have taken back my ex at the time, but in retrospect, there's just no way. The bond had been broken. Granted, I cheated on her too — but that was because I was a drugged up mess. I just fucked and romanced people for drugs, she actually fell in love with someone.

 

[Stu]

So is what you are saying, that in your opinion a cheater =/= a human being?

Humans fail. If my wife came to me and admitted an affair, asked for forgiveness I can not see how I could shun her. That said I would expect her to toss me aside and never forgive me. (but what are you going to do when you are in love with and INTJ?)

 

[Jill Hives]

I think it is also possible to forgive someone in your heart (i.e., cease to harbor resentment towards them) while still terminating the relationship if you believe that is the best course of action. Not that I credit myself with this maturity. XD

Yeah, indeed. And for my part, it's easy to talk about being mature enough to handle the emotions that would get stirred up in a situation like this, and I would really like to think I would be able to forgive, but truth be told circumstances would probably change if I found myself in this situation. I can be a very intensely jealous person by nature as it is. Even if I were to try, things would at best not be pretty for a very long time afterwards, and would it even be worth it to suffer for the amount of time it might take to regain any amount of trust? I'd like to think it might be but there's always the chance the resentment and distrust would never completely fade, no matter the efforts put forth by the other party. In which case it would just be unfair to both to continue on in such a state.

 

[Vict]

Indeed.

I have yet to forgive anyone. Given the level of bitterness in me, it won't be anytime soon. If ever.

 

[bamf]

If it was a one time thing and with someone I truly trusted and loved, I could probably work through it, but the trust would be fucked for a long time and they'd have to deal with it. If I had any reservations about the person and they cheated, I'd walk out of the relationship.

 

[InvisibleJim]

No

 

[the]

I could forgive such a thing.

 

[hush]

I have forgiven worse than cheating, so yes, though I am sure it would depend on the circumstances.

 

[Leticia Mejor]

Infidelity is confusing, its confusing nature would inspire feelings of lasting distrust on how i'd see my partner, creating tension and high possibility for drama. I hate drama. Perhaps I'd forgive, but for sure I'd let go. Cheating on one's partner is a thoughtless thing to do, I have no time for the thoughtless.

 

[Habanero]

First I do not believe once a cheater is always a cheater. I cheated on every boyfriend I ever had and then I met my husband. We've been together nearly twenty years and I have never even so much as held another man's hand during this time, including the time we spent together before marriage. BUT even having said all that, I could not and would not ever forgive such a thing. Dating is one thing but marriage is another. If I discovered my husband cheated on me, we would be done. I would have no interest in hearing any apologies or excuses as they would not matter or change my feelings on this.

 

[acd]

I have gotten back together with someone after breaking up over it..
But it didn't last. No trust.

I don't hold it against the person now and I got over it pretty quick once we broke up.
He wasn't a horrible person.. we just were incompatible.

 

[barbad0s]

I think it's one of those things that's hard to predict until you've been through it.

I can understand that men have urges that are different from mine and I don't take it too personally. I'll just tell future partners when things start getting serious that I hope they think about what they might be doing to the relationship, and that I hope they're not doing it over pent up feelings from frustration and conflict in our relationship and that they must be open with me. If I was really hurt, I don't think I'd want to stay with them. It's hard/impossible to just stop loving and caring for someone though imo.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

Didn't have time to read the posts: just a quick reply.

I think temporary academic suspension is the kindest solution.