I am speaking here about a broad range of human experience in the wrongdoing/forgiveness realm- not merely infidelity. I think many people confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. Forgiveness does not mean that there was no offense or injury. If such were the case, forgiveness would not be required. There has been an offense or injury- a breech in the relationship. Consequences are appropriate to restore justice and fairness. Forgiveness does not negate this, nor does it preclude loving confrontation. To withhold that confrontation does the offender no favor. It simply means that I do not squander my emotional energy hating that person. I let God deal with them. It liberates me from the prison of hate and resentment.
Reconciliation means the restoration of a relationship. I think of it a process, not an event. The offender has to work to re-earn the injured party's trust. This requires four steps:
1. Recognizing that what they did was wrong and the damage it caused.
2. Demonstrate remorse for the wrongdoing- not just being sorry they got caught.
3. Make sustained efforts to repair the damage as much as possible.
4. Resolve never to repeat the injurious behavior.
Without these four steps, all the tears and apologies in the world are worthless.
Forgiveness is not for the other person- it is for oneself. It is unconditional. You need inner peace and there can be none when anger and resentment are consuming you. The person you resent isn't losing sleep over your bitterness. You are. You don't want that stored anger to spill over onto others.
Reconciliation involves many conditions. Examples are accountability, rehab, 12 step programs, restitution, counseling, anger management, demonstration of changed behavior, seeking help to manage finances, being a more involved parent to the parties' mutual children, completely severing contact with the affair partner, correcting false statements that damaged another person's reputation, transparency about family finances, seeking and keeping a job to support the family, and even a moratorium on credit card use to curb excessive debt. It takes two to reconcile and restore a relationship. If one of them refuses to stop their evil or destructive behavior, it is better to let him or her go than be a victim.
