Why are you nice? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Why are you nice?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by noisebloom, Nov 8, 2018.

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  1. NICE! :tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy:
     
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  2. John K

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    When we are toddlers we learn that there are ways to get other people to do what we want - by domination, or by being nice to them. This is really important for a young child dependent on others. Later on, we find that it works in most social situations too. You can get a lot of what you need from others by being nice to them, and you feel good about it yourself too, and are willing to do things for them in exchange - this must be hard-wired by evolution into a lot of social creatures because it must have strong survival potential through the cooperation it promotes.

    But some of us, often the biggest physically or mentally, follow a different path and find they can get what they want out of life by asserting themselves over others, even if this means being physically or mentally nasty to them. Those of us who aren't troubled by what others think of them can be very successful that way, and often become leaders. Now if you are nice to one of the larger of these types and supply them with some of their needs, they value that and will protect you against others of the same cold-hearted type, so you get cooperating alliances. These are extremely powerful at ensuring you have the maximum possible protection from the rival bully in your village, or from the unpleasant neighbours in the village 3 miles away through the jungle. Worked for me when I was suffering from bullying at school - made myself invaluable to one of the biggest and least unpleasant and I got left alone pretty well after that. The nice types are often crippled by guilt and feel awful if they try to be nasty themselves, and so the whole system is perpetuated.

    Thousands of years ago, we needed the nasty types who aren't handicapped by too much empathy so they will lead us and defend us from external threats, or make the essential tough decisions that upset some people - we also needed a lot of the cooperating nice types, without which the tough ones would be on their own, exhausting themselves fighting similar types, and still swinging about in the trees. Now that most of us aren't living in independent stone age villages of 40 or 50 folks each, this has all become a bit redundant - but the legacy is still with us, looking desperately for meaning in life and beating us up because our inner nature seems inconsistent with the modern world. You do see the process playing out a lot in business - it will be interesting to see if the changes in the M/F employee balance will change the dynamics.

    My impression from the forum is that you seem to have three ways of interacting with people here:
    • Like in this thread - very introspective and self-critical. No signs of nastiness in these threads - on the contrary!! :smiley:
    • Playful - inventive, entertaining, comradely. Maybe these get a bit rough sometimes, but not nasty!! :smiley:
    • Intensely deep, insightful and accurate. No nastiness with these - again on the contrary!! :smiley:
    Maybe because niceness is quite a Feelie sort of thing, you just aren't aware some of the time of what you are doing naturally? As far as being put on by others abusing your hospitality - well join as an honorary member of the infj club for life wounded victims of that!

    This !! :mclap:
     
    #22 John K, Nov 8, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2018
  3. socks

    socks Community Member

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    You’ve always been nice to me, @noisebloom

    Idk, I guess I’m nice cause I want other people to be nice to me. And honestly, most of the time, they’re not. But when I was younger and more influenced by pride and ego, I wasn’t as nice a person. And it brought me nothing but anxiety and contempt. That’s no way to live well. Being nice on the other hand brings me joy and peace, and I’ll take that over anxiety and contempt any day.
     
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  4. Embers

    Embers Newbie

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    I agree, just because. It's what comes natural and feels right. Also, I like when people are happy, it makes me happy too.

    I'm only nice for as long as I'm nice, though. If someone's being rude or extremely arrogant or tries to take take advantage of me being nice I won't be that nice anymore. Then I can get pretty mean I guess and hit them with the truth sort of. Either I tell them exactly what I think or I just forget they ever existed and never speak to the person again.

    I'm not easily provoked, but everyone has their limits and I'm certainly no different.
     
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  5. neko

    neko zou zou

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    Sometimes I just wanna

    AECCE291-EBB1-4D5F-9B89-1A8AA64DED0A.jpeg
     
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  6. Ren

    Ren Pin's android and co-founder of Stoic Café

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    Because being nice is underrated! :)

    I think my personal motto is something like this: "In the absence of reasons to the contrary, be nice."
     
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  7. AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

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    I'm not sure if I'm a nice person or not, but I really appreciate when others are. It gives me this warm and fuzzy feeling inside whenever I see it happen on the streets, at home or in forums such as this one. Like Ren said, it is very underrated especially in our western culture where it's all about fighting dirty in order to get ahead and be successful. However, it's wonderful how a simple act of kindness and appreciation can change someone's day for the better. Just a small gesture such as smiling and telling someone to have a nice day can have a great impact.
     
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  8. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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  9. AUM

    AUM The Romantic Scientist

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    What a trippy video, wtf lol

    Thanks Wyote, now excuse me while I slap myself a couple of times on the concrete to return to reality XD
     
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  10. charlatan

    charlatan Community Member

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    I guess I'm pretty naturally affectionate, warm/fuzzy and wish to be to everyone (although in practice I'm quite suspicious of and guarded against the nastier of humanity).

    I think if one is cautious about the latter, there's not really a clear disadvantage to being nice
     
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  11. Artisan

    Artisan Dares, Dreams, Does

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    I'm nice because it simply is too much effort to be a dick.
    I'm nice because it feels good when I can make someone else feel good too.
    I'm nice because it feels so disgusting to go out of my way not to be.
    I'm nice because I'm me being me and I don't like to wear masks. Take it or leave it.
    I'm nice because too few have been nice to me and the world needs nice people in it to make it seem a little less bleak and a little brighter. I cannot change the world on my own but I can at least make a start by starting with myself.
     
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  12. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    I'm not. :smiley:
     
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  13. Wyote

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    [​IMG]
     
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  14. flower

    flower Wanderer

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    It's natural to me... It's hard to not be nice, actually it's not healthy to be ''too nice'' and it's important to learn to say no. Still learning to not be overly kind, because not everyone deserves it. Otherwise just getting hurt in the end.
     
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    Ren Pin's android and co-founder of Stoic Café

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    Very true... Words alone are very powerful.
     
  16. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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  17. Roses In The Vineyard

    Roses In The Vineyard Community Member

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    To be nice is not only the right thing, a good thing, but also a sign of there at least being some degree of maturity and awareness of others which sadly is lacking in people these days. The lack of mindfulness and grace is depressing and enraging. I like being nice especially when it makes a difference in making the day better for others.
     
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  18. OP
    noisebloom

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    There's a couple recurring patterns I've noticed in my life from most of the people close to me in one form or another. After I go out of my way to be extremely selfless or nice, one of the following tends to happen:

    ---

    1. An expectation is created regarding what I should be doing for this person.

    This usually takes a few episodes of me doing something for someone. I'll help someone with a problem they have X times, and if I don't offer help in the future, I get a sour reaction. This has happened with several colleagues of mine, for example. I've noticed that when people at work need help with things, many of my other coworkers will respond with "sorry, I'm really busy", but I can't help but offer my time, unless I'm dealing with an emergency. A lot of people don't come back for help again and again, but those that do get easily conditioned to it, and then I get hostility when I'm unable to help. One of these people got so mad at me that they ended up blaming an issue they created on me, because I helped them.

    This has happened in my personal life quite a bit. I don't think I have a good sense of what a "normal" degree of help is, so I'll do things for people and I'll get the "you really didn't have to do that" response, only to get an adverse reaction when I stop doing the thing.

    I'm wondering if this is how human beings just are. We don't often think about what others do for us, but instead take them for granted.

    2. The person ends up feeling extremely ashamed/guilty, and this almost always has a negative consequence.

    Some people just can't handle people being really nice to them, for some reason, in my experience. They take a positive emotion and make it negative. There are a few people close to me that I've helped out when they were desperate, and I'm honestly really shocked by the results.

    A couple people have felt so humiliated by the situation that they deny it ever happened, and when I'm in a similar situation, condescend me. I don't understand how this is such a common problem. Others I know have felt guilty and let this guilt eat them up, punishing themselves, almost (this seems rarer). The most common response is this awkward "freezing" reaction, i.e. "I didn't expect you to say/do that, and I don't know how to react".

    ---

    There's a few people I can think of that don't react this way, and have actually exhibited a very pure and positive response. @Smilax is one of them. I actually can't say that for many of my previous relationships. I also have an ENFP friend that even the smallest things make her happy, to the point of absurdity.

    Perhaps the most relevant example are the people on this forum. Most people on this forum seem to be genuinely appreciative and don't get weird about it. I don't really spend time with people like you guys in real life, much.

    It's possible that T-types just struggle with this kind of thing (the people I spend most of my time with), but it's also possible that a lot of the people in my life have not been very happy or mentally healthy.

    I don't know if I consciously think about being nice when it's happening. These emotions come and go as they please, sometimes. I think it's in my nature, though, so perhaps I'm answering my own question here... Why? Because I can't control it...

    Your perspective on reciprocity and reception is a lot more positive than mine, though. I think I am a bit jaded when it comes to people. Though I consider myself a pretty mentally healthy person now, I had a lot of issues when I was younger and went through some trauma that caused me to kind of lose sight of myself. After I acknowledged it and worked through it, I'm left a little cynical and distant.
     
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  19. Professor Snep

    Professor Snep Smart. Sexy. Snep.

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    I'm acting nice so I can sneak fart attack people and get away with it, because I'm waaaay to nice to do that.
     
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  20. OP
    noisebloom

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    I never used to believe that this people existed, but now they're everywhere.

    I definitely agree that your reaction to alienation is the most productive and healthy one. I try to do the same, but I struggle. It's just easier to be pissed, sometimes. I know that most people push the easy button of anger...

    ...and Sensors! WHY DO WE EVEN

    does not compute

    I love the idealism in that statement, but if I don't believe something is actually better, it's hard for me to not agonize over. I suppose it's a good thing that my behavior is largely subconscious!
     
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