Why are you nice? | Page 3 | INFJ Forum

Why are you nice?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by noisebloom, Nov 8, 2018.

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  1. OP
    noisebloom

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    I think there's a difference between coming off as "palatable" and being genuinely nice.

    It's generally disadvantageous to come off as curt, rude, awkward, etc. However, to me, being genuinely nice implies being selfless, considerate, etc., and many of the people I know who are of the palatable type are douchebags when it really matters.
     
  2. OP
    noisebloom

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    Yeah - I definitely think I'm only usually aware of how nice I am retrospectively. I'm also fucking terrible at pretending to be nice if I really dislike someone, to the point at which I basically refuse to do it.

    Well said, guitar wizard. I also agree: where are all these nice people in real life? Most people seem too absorbed in whatever they're doing to really give a fuck.

    I need to get better about hitting people that I'm pissed at with the truth. Unless you're close to me, I'll generally just ignore you, and relentlessly so. It's noticeable to the point where people tend to joke about it more than I would like...

    Totally agree. I also really appreciate it when others are nice! One of the reasons I keep coming back to this forum...

    You are like the nicest person in the world! Good points, too.
     
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  3. Wyote

    Wyote ○●○
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    Probably, there's a lot of people with a lot of problems in the world

    I don't think it's intentional, most of the time

    Sometimes maybe. Depends on my mood. I try to not overthink stuff because it mostly gets me in trouble. Sometimes I hate people, sometimes I love people. As long as I give myself permission to feel and think whatever the fuck I want, I can generally navigate the physical world in an ok fashion.
     
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  4. John K

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    The problem with niceness is that it can come over as a submission response. That means that some of the people we are nice to then treat us as a pack inferior. It doesn’t matter a lot with casual contacts, but it can be a real problem with people we are involved with more frequently - colleagues, friends, family. The trouble is then that if the ‘nice’ person feels put on they often respond by turning nasty, at least in the eyes of the other. There’s always a subtext to these emotion charged interactions - at the very least a passive aggressive expression of grievance with an underlying attempt to swap the pack dominance positions (this almost always unconsious). An extreme example - it’s quite a problem for a temperamentally nice manager who can end up as the social inferior of their team, responding in all kinds of silly ways to try regain the high ground - and this renders leadership impossible and at worst can make them look tragic to everyone else. I think the answer is to recognise the range of ways we have to respond to people and take control. There is a broad spectrum of behaviour possible between drop dead niceness and piss on your granny. A good alternative is to use assertiveness rather than grievance or aggression and direct it at the subtext of the interaction rather than the trigger. Sounds technical but it isn’t in practice, though it does have to be very deliberate and conscious and controlled. So if the issue is being taken for granted, that should be the focus- raise it with them and if the other person then talks about you coming over as unreliable suddenly, or emotional, or even interfering, then you’ve got it out into the open with a possibility of resolution. Some of the best relationships can come from a bad start, then mutual respect from getting down to talking about and resolving differences together. It isn’t easy to do this though it does get easier with practice. It doesn’t have a 100% success rate either - though partial success is more likely than complete failure.
     
    #44 John K, Nov 11, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2018
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  5. Ginny

    Ginny Wolf soul

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    Am I nice? I have spent so much time analysing my behaviour to death that I rarely classify it. Since I have determined to internally go with the flow instead of swimming against what I think and feel, I have realised that everything I do has never been done for coming across a certain way - I am only ever who I am. I can't lie, so I am always honest to the best of my knowledge. I can't stand people being hurt or stuck or feeling anything negative at all, so I do my best to help wherever I can. For the rest of the time I am pretty much keeping to myself. I guess that last part is my defense, ever since school, and despite my best efforts to be social it has been reactivated recently.

    The problem I have with niceness is that you never really know when it is genuine in people who seem to overflow with it. I think I have developed a feeling for it, but there is still a lingering mistrust in people who are too nice to be genuine. Those people usually have something to hide and having something to hide among people like us doesn't fare well. The truth has a way of revealing itself with time. I honestly prefer those who act like they hate everyone but secretly don't. It is a much more understandable defense than faking closeness to keep people away.

    Personal preferences aside, I think being who you are, whether it is inherently nice or not (although it usually is), is the healthiest way to go. You show others where they stand and they would show you in return. I think that is pretty utopian and doesn't work out practically, but if you don't start, how will others adopt your ways (at the very least around you)? By being who you are and being comfortable with it, you can show them a potentially better way of being, by honouring who they are. Of course, there is always the possibility of being duped, played or bullied in the process, but so long as you know who you are it gives you the upper hand in any situation. Because if you always are yourself, and aren't liked or appreciated for it, you definitely know where you stand. I have made the experience that honesty has a way of revealing fakeness in others. They are irritated by it and tend to lash out, if they don't avoid you right away and/or try to cut you off socially. This is when you learn who you can trust. The ones that stand by you in times like these are the real treasures, the ones that continue to include you when they are faced with the choice of leaving you for the sake of popularity. I used to be so unpopular in school for having lived through that, lol. I used to hate people for such disloyalty, but with time I have learned that people will always choose the path of least resistance. For me, because of my sheer incapability of being anything other than myself, it was harder than for others, who see the simplicity in adopting the lastest trends in personality traits. It was just who they are, they were teenagers still figuring themselves out, so after a while I had learned to accept that.

    Does that stop me from being nice? For a while, I think it did. I still have a very unapproachable attitude in real life, whether I am being nice or not. It's a choice I make anew each day. Some days I just want to be left alone and not be engulfed by other people who only care for themselves. But most days I want to give some of myself to the world, to make it just a tiny bit better by being true to myself because I am happy with who I turned out to be that day. In the end, it doesn't matter who can appreciate that you're being nice to them. It's you being happy or at least content for having made the choice to be nice to them, especially when they are not capable of returning that niceness. Because maybe, just maybe, you can teach them a better way to be by showing them who you are.
     
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  6. neko

    neko poopie head

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    You told me that kindness was underrated once when I was feeling lame about being such a Hufflepuff. It made me feel really good. Jus sayin
     
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  7. Ren

    Ren Pin's android and co-founder of Stoic Café

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    I genuinely think it is! And there's nothing wrong with being a Hufflepuff. You're a strong Hufflepuff :)
     
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  8. neko

    neko poopie head

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    :<3yellow:
    It means a lot coming from you.
     
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  9. OP
    noisebloom

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    [​IMG]
     
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  10. neko

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    Lololol what does this even mean
     
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  11. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO
     
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  12. Professor Snep

    Professor Snep Smart. Sexy. Snep.

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  13. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    I don't identify as a nice guy because generally when people think you care, they walk all over you. The exceptions to this rule are beautiful examples in humanity.
     
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  14. FromTheSkies

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    Have you tried doing something different than what you normally do?
     
  15. In the Wings

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    How are we defining "nice"? Is it enough to not be rude, or does doing things for others also come into it?
     
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  16. robert

    robert Regular Poster

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    I don't know if being an INFJ makes me any nicer than any other type, I know lots of people that are nice while I can be very cool and dark. As for Hitler, he is not a "subType" He believed very strongly that he was doing the right thing for his people, and convinced of his moral standing. As for me, I can be well, "warm" but most people find me or think me kinda cold because I don't talk much to them and don't go out with them after work for drinks. My techs even kinda sweat when I enter the room even though I have never yelled or treated any of them badly, they just believe for some reason I am mean. I admit I keep most people, even people I have known for years at arm's length, mainly because I don't trust them, I hate the fake smiles and greetings like we're long lost brothers or something when minutes before I entered the room they were talking in hushed tones about me. The two friends I have one is INTJ, the other is ENTP, both very nice people who get me. I wouldn't really worry about being nice if that's what you want to do, Just be you and to hell with everyone else. Do what's right because it is right and not what others believe is right. Live your life on your own terms, People get so hung up about being nice, they never realize being nice and being kind are two different things. As an INFJ growing up I had a hard time saying no to people, I let them walk all over me because I wanted to be "nice", and wanted to be liked so saying no was hard. But later I realized I don't have to be nice as long as I am kind, being nice is a doormat while doing being kind is what I was actually striving for. Nobody ever said, "Be Nice To One Another", no, they said be kind, theirs a difference.
     
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  17. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    I'm pissed for being so god-damned nice. I just let this fucking guy sit next to me on this crowded ass bus and I don't even have enough room for my legs.

    EDIT: Got up and changed seats. Holy fucking shit. The fucking prick wouldn't close his fucking legs.
     
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    #57 Pin, Nov 25, 2018
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2018
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  18. Ren

    Ren Pin's android and co-founder of Stoic Café

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    You're alright, Pin! Think about how delightful it feels to be away from him now ;)
     
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  19. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Fortunately, this is a 3 hour trip too. That was truly an act of God.
     
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  20. Ren

    Ren Pin's android and co-founder of Stoic Café

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    INFJ God is munificent.
     
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