[PUG] What Makes You Worthy?

[894tt3h9]

I've been observing on the internet lately that a lot of people seem to feel they are not treated in the way that they deserve. The result of this seems to be to post "clever" status updates, memes and other such things putting down the kinds of people who they feel unfairly treated by. Most often, the women I see online have a tendency to trash talk the men in their lives and even the women they know. There is a lot of passive aggression but the overall message seems to be that they feel they should be treated like queens and anything outside of that is completely unacceptable.

This is not just about the women of the internet though. This was inspired by what I see on my own personal facebook and it just so happens to be that women are the most scathing and demanding of special treatement though I wouldn't doubt that men feel entitled to be treated well also.

So my question for all of you is:

What makes you worthy of being treated well? Do you feel you are treated well by the people in your life - romantic partner or otherwise? Do you think you should be treated better or that you get more than you deserve? What do you think makes people overall worthy of being treated well? Feel free to expand on what it means to you to be "Treated well" if you want.

 

[Billy]

Memes are just the bumper stickers of the interwebs. A snippet of a portion of a thought which is truncated with a pathetic ellipsis. My FB post the other day was inspired by such things.

I think that as social media increases and more and more generations are born into it, our personal identities and personalities at large are going to vary less, anomaly type personalities will exist still buy become less and less evident, as the old for off and the young replenish it will go deeper and deeper into us culturally. Like a gigantic all seeing eyeball infringing our privacy and indeed even our desire for it. Personalities will streamline into what's acceptable, guided by mass consensus over time, pure personality based digital evolution. There are no corners or shadows to hide in, nor desire to hide.

It is my belief that 1000s of years into the future if we survive long enough we will have pure technological telepathy in which all minds will connect and 1 overarching consciousness will awaken. And we as individuals will be fueling this, but our differences will be like past versions of ourselves we outgrow, or even portions of a subconscious that no longer controls the main body of the being.

 

[Nixie]

I feel that I am treated how I allow people to treat me. No matter how much you love someone or whatever, there will always be conflict. To me, treatment of each other is easy when everyone is smiling and having a good time--doesn't matter if you are super close or practically srangers--when stuff is going well, everyone is happy. I think being treated well is determined by how you deal with and resolve conflict--that is where the real test comes into play.

If I feel the relationship is viable and worth something, I will be vocal and let my needs be known. I try not to get wrapped up in the idea that people will treat me well 100 percent. I am a unique individual. I am somewhat reserved and secretive about my inner feelings so gauging me can be difficult. So when conflict arrives, I try and determine how much effort I need to take in order to feel better and work things out with the other person.

If the relationship doesn't mean anything I will typically just turn away, distance....indifference. It doesn't mean that i don't feel something...a bit angry, slighted...whatever....it just means I don't give enough of a shit to work it out with the other person. Ignoring people is an art form for Natives, it is the highest degree of disrespect you can show someone. It isn't even done really obviously....you just cease to speak to and acknowledge someone. Even if the other person doesn't understand that, the act itself allows me to resolve the issue I have with the person.

On many levels, I wish to be more invisible than what I am. I don't think I get treated well less than others and maybe even a bit more. I think it is because I have a strong personality and on many levels am just hard to ignore because I am vocal. I fear that a part of me is a shameless attention whore.

 

[Zebraf301]

I think karma plays a huge role. I often feel humbled by my fortunes though, like 'bullshit, I don't deserve that, but I'll take it and pay it forward...', but I know that's because I've been drop kicked in the past, and have had to fight to be where I am. How much of what we feel entitled to, is a product of the fact that we've not had to fight for our luxuries? You know, like war, and famine, and such? To a hungry thrid worlder, I probably am spoiled bloodily revoltingly, rotton. Imagine, being able to luxuriate at the top of maslow's hierarchy of needs. People who habitually bitch about others, to me, basically register with a sign on their head that says "kick my crutches, and I will fall."

 

[CindyLou]

I'm not sure what you're talking about...exactly. People look for love. If someone does not treat you well, they don't love you. It doesn't make sense to look for love and then think its entitlement to find it or to...not accept it when you haven't. The problem is, we all learn how to love based on what we saw as children. For example if your father told you how much he loved you but never acted like he loved you, you can possibly end up in that type of confusing and painful situation as an adult. If you were in a house where no one was communicating you learn to communicate your needs met in a passive...yet still aggressive way. You are hurt and angry you are not being treated the way you know you should be, yet you tolerate it because it feels normal.

Self worth issues cause people to stay in relationships where they are not getting their needs met and to stay with people that don't treat them well. I'm not really sure what type of woman you're seeing though. What makes someone worthy of being treated well is directly related to how they feel about themselves. You accept how you feel about yourself. If someone is treating you bad, and you accept it, somewhere deep down something is messed up. If you accept yourself, you won't accept anyone who won't because after all, aren't we all looking for love?

I don't know what being treated like a queen means to you. What do you mean they only want to be treated like queens? Compared to you they want to be treated like queens...compared to what you would tolerate? Does it bother you that anything outside of how they feel about themselves is unacceptable? Are they conceited? I just don't think I know enough to comment.

My version of "The Queen" is a woman in her late 30's who is a grown up version of "The Princess". She has a great job, well educated but turned down good man after man because she wasn't ready to commit and wanted to party and date around. Now, in her late 30's and desperate to settle down and start a family she has this long list of what she will "tolerate" in a man and starts to become bitter when no man left has those qualities. Usually, she is looking for a rich, well educated, good looking man that isn't interested in her looks yet still tries to attract a man with her appearance. Superficial and every day growing more unhappy she complains there are no good men out there but isn't willing to drop her "standards" (none of which are standards for a loving, caring relationship, or standards for a good father). Usually, she will settle down with a man that has those qualities but either cheats or doesn't care much about being a father. Desperate and unhappy only then in the middle of her life will she realize that the confusing signals her parents gave her fvcked her up for life and then maybe then she will heal and find something real.

 

[the]

What makes you worthy of being treated well? Do you feel you are treated well by the people in your life - romantic partner or otherwise? Do you think you should be treated better or that you get more than you deserve? What do you think makes people overall worthy of being treated well? Feel free to expand on what it means to you to be "Treated well" if you want.

I dont feel particularly worthy; I feel just like anyone else where treating me or others 'well' is just the path of least resistance. I would prefer to be treated with maximum 'wellness', but i think that falls outside of the range I am willing to treat others with so I do not expect that or feel worthy of it.

I think that I get treated appropriately by others in general, and that is well with me.

I guess I just dont think of it in terms of worthiness.

 

[CindyLou]

I don't understand. If someone you love or even a friend treats you bad, it hurts. I am starting to think that we are going down a path where the idea is that its wrong, or somehow entitlement to feel worthy enough to not let someone continually hurt you. I think that is faulty thinking and if you do think that you've GOT to figure out a way to reconcile that with yourself or you will push away anyone and anything that will bring you joy...for the rest of your life. You must. Even more so if you're "a giver".

Healthy self esteem means you are comfortable with getting as well as giving. Comfortable...not demanding it while you don't give it...but you don't feel guilty about receiving love and true friendship where the person cares about you and you can feel it. You don't call it entitlement.

 

[JGirl]

if you don't like how people treat you then you need to dig deeper and find out why. chances are it's because you either allow and or attract negative people in your life, or you are reaping what you've sown in this life.
i'm betting it's more often than not the first one, but complaining about it and bashing people without doing anything to better the situation makes the person doing that attract more negativity and so it goes.

we live in a me me me society. what about me? what about my feelings, rights, needs, desires and so on.
i say what about you? if you have a need or desire make it happen. just make it happen. it sounds simplistic and it is simple, but it isn't easy.
and that is why i believe people piss and moan about unfairness yet do nothing about it. because it's hard.

 

[Vicarious]

I know that I had mentioned something about "holding out for a man who will treat me well" in another thread a day or two ago. I wouldn't even know where to begin on how to gauge whether someone is worthy of being treated well or not. I would say that no one deserves to be routinely abused, but I get the feeling that abuse isn't what this is regarding. My personal definition of being treated well in a relationship would be a healthy mutual respect, monogamy, sharing household responsibility and expenses, showing love, kindness, empathy, etc towards each other and any children involved, and so on and so forth. Basically, I know what I DON'T want (cheaters, liars, mooches, abusers, or addicts).

I obviously realize that any relationship is going to have its share of conflict. Anyone who thinks any differently is kidding themselves and setting themselves up for disappointment. I think a lot of women are overly idealistic about what "being treated well" means, and I think that media is to blame for a lot of that. Movies and romance novels set up a very unrealistic ideal of how relationships work, of how people behave, ect. Girls are growing up watching/reading about these unrealistic situations and are being led to believe that these are the norm and when their partner can't live up to that imaginary potential (who the heck could???) then these women seem to think that the grass is greener on the other side when, in fact, there is no grass there at all.

I too, tend to roll my eyes when I read a status message or something where someone is complaining about their partner over something that I feel is completely frivolous. Really, your husband is a horrible person because he decided it wouldn't be wise to buy you a new car right now? REALLY?!?? Eesh.

I also believe you get back what you dole out and one can only be treated as badly as they allow. Sorry for the lame cliches but I think there is quite a bit of truth to them.

 

[CindyLou]

I don't see statuses like that, but I keep my facebook friends down to a low number and rarely log on. Could someone give me an example? I would be embarrassed to complain like that in public, and I can't imagine doing something like that. If my husband made a negative comment or complained about me on facebook...I would feel betrayed. If a friend or boyfriend did it, they wouldn't be in my life anymore. So, I certainly can't imagine ever saying something like that..maybe thinking it and feeling it and maybe confiding that to a friend or two, but a facebook status update?

Facebook complaining/status like the above is not what I think of as typically passive aggressive. That's just outright aggressive in my book, and kinda crazy. Actually, I think that's really nuts. I must be THAT out of touch because if you went through my timeline status updates...personal stuff like that wouldn't be on there...facebook isn't my diary or my therapy couch because its so public. It also seems a tad manipulative. It'll make hubby think twice next time he says "no" to his sweet little wife because everyone will know.

 

[Sriracha]

Making nasty comments about the people in your life and not actually addressing those people face to face is juvenile. Negativity breeds negativity ... just as "misery loves company." I don't have time for such people as they are mentally exhausting.

I don't particularly care for the word worthy. To me it is a sense of entitlement (and makes me think of my mother-in-law who tends to demand respect where ever she goes.) I mainly concern myself to treat others the way I want to be treated.

So many women are catty, but not all of them. I don't think of myself to be this way and I definitely choose to have female friends who are not this way either. If you are dealing with a catty, juvenile woman ... you are basically dealing with someone who is jealous of you in some respect. It could be popularity among your peers, competition for attention, attention from the men-folk, etc. Makes me NOT miss those days when I had no idea what a friendship was supposed to be.

 

[894tt3h9]

View attachment 14872


I see a lot of stuff like this online - particularly on facebook. I know this is meant in jest because there's this idea that the woman is "always right" and the man is a dumbass. However, I see things of this nature so frequently from people I find myself wondering how their husbands or boyfriends feel. Usually the married women are the worst for it or the ones who are divorced. There's always some kind of snippy commentary to be made some some kind of photo to like or share to put down the opposite sex. The same thing goes for putting down people. A LOT of passive aggression.

That photo was posted by someone who tends towards posting a lot of stuff on facebook of that nature and made me wonder "are you worthy of being treated better? What makes you so good that you can put down other people like that all the time? Are other people really that dumb/awful or are you just bitter and intolerant?"

I know other people who are constantly complaining about their relationships and always blame the other person in the relationship. Everything is 50-50. If you are treating your SO well and get treated like shit in return consistently then you are responsible for standing your ground or leaving. If you are getting treated well and your spouse fucks up once in a while why do you feel the need to post it all online or make "funny" pictures about it so that other women can share in hating on their husbands?

Now, using the word "hate" may be extreme but I see a pattern of bitterness and distaste and these people seem to attract more negative forces in their life.

 

[sassafras]

Well, on one hand, it seems to be the social norm to joke about one's romantic partner. I really don't see it as just women doing this; I see men doing it too. They joke about 'having all chain and no ball' or 'sometimes I wake up grumpy, sometimes I let her sleep.' Or they joke about extra-marital affairs or getting serviced and kicking the woman to the curb once she gets to a certain age.

And sometimes, they're just downright horrible. Rape-joke and body-in-backyard horrible.

I think in this arena, where memes and jokes and bumper-stickers are concerned, both sexes are on equal footing and I really don't keep a tally of any kind. But I do understand the spirit of your post and that is that sometimes these joke-y bumperstickers come from deep places within our psyche that cater to our self-worth and our expectations from our partners.

To answer your question, then, I think my feelings of self worth come from a place of self- respect. I respect other people and I expect the same in turn. Respect, of course, is a tricky concept because it also comes from a place of knowing who you are and your place in relation to everyone else. It's not as simple as 'treat the way you want to be treated' because as any sweet kid on the playground with a bully problem will know, that rarely ever works.

No, I think respect for self and the expectations you have from others on how they should treat and respect you comes from taking true pride in who you are, not just a false front. You can say 'I'm a queen, I deserve the best' all you want, but if you don't truly believe it and/or you behave like a royal pain, no one is going to give you the respect or the treatment that you want... though it may be the treatment you inadvertently ask for.

Our behavior, our attitudes and our pride in ourselves must all line up realistically with what we expect from others. And I think that's that.

 

[Soulful]

View attachment 14872


I see a lot of stuff like this online - particularly on facebook. I know this is meant in jest because there's this idea that the woman is "always right" and the man is a dumbass. However, I see things of this nature so frequently from people I find myself wondering how their husbands or boyfriends feel. Usually the married women are the worst for it or the ones who are divorced. There's always some kind of snippy commentary to be made some some kind of photo to like or share to put down the opposite sex. The same thing goes for putting down people. A LOT of passive aggression.

That photo was posted by someone who tends towards posting a lot of stuff on facebook of that nature and made me wonder "are you worthy of being treated better? What makes you so good that you can put down other people like that all the time? Are other people really that dumb/awful or are you just bitter and intolerant?"

I know other people who are constantly complaining about their relationships and always blame the other person in the relationship. Everything is 50-50. If you are treating your SO well and get treated like shit in return consistently then you are responsible for standing your ground or leaving. If you are getting treated well and your spouse fucks up once in a while why do you feel the need to post it all online or make "funny" pictures about it so that other women can share in hating on their husbands?

Now, using the word "hate" may be extreme but I see a pattern of bitterness and distaste and these people seem to attract more negative forces in their life.

I think you raise fair points.

As far as my own reaction to the graphic and those kinds of jokes, perhaps I am a little too serious or uptight, but whenever I see stuff like that it makes me wonder why that person is married or how much they do respect and appreciate their spouse. I'd be pissed if my partner posted something like this about me, implied it, or otherwise believed it, and I hope I would never do the same or resolve the issue/break if off before I was so furious that I ignored my own advice. So I guess I am projecting my own beliefs and expectations onto others, but.. yeah, I just don't get it. I'm one of those people that believes there tends to be a kernel of truth behind jokes. Maybe I just have a different take on things than these people.

 

[Rferraris]

View attachment 14872


I see a lot of stuff like this online - particularly on facebook. I know this is meant in jest because there's this idea that the woman is "always right" and the man is a dumbass. However, I see things of this nature so frequently from people I find myself wondering how their husbands or boyfriends feel. Usually the married women are the worst for it or the ones who are divorced. There's always some kind of snippy commentary to be made some some kind of photo to like or share to put down the opposite sex. The same thing goes for putting down people. A LOT of passive aggression.

That photo was posted by someone who tends towards posting a lot of stuff on facebook of that nature and made me wonder "are you worthy of being treated better? What makes you so good that you can put down other people like that all the time? Are other people really that dumb/awful or are you just bitter and intolerant?"

I know other people who are constantly complaining about their relationships and always blame the other person in the relationship. Everything is 50-50. If you are treating your SO well and get treated like shit in return consistently then you are responsible for standing your ground or leaving. If you are getting treated well and your spouse fucks up once in a while why do you feel the need to post it all online or make "funny" pictures about it so that other women can share in hating on their husbands?

Now, using the word "hate" may be extreme but I see a pattern of bitterness and distaste and these people seem to attract more negative forces in their life.

I like your post.
It's respect. And if you don't respect the one you're with, then why are you with them?

I would never embarrass her, certainly on Facebook where everything you say has an immortal soul and lives forever with every person you have ever know, like or dislike.

But I never get the urge to appeal to others for a sounding board with regard to my wife. Nobody knows anything and that's the way I keep it. And if she were different I'd probably wouldn't have married her.

 

[this is only temporary]

I don't see statuses like that, but I keep my facebook friends down to a low number and rarely log on. Could someone give me an example? I would be embarrassed to complain like that in public, and I can't imagine doing something like that. If my husband made a negative comment or complained about me on facebook...I would feel betrayed. If a friend or boyfriend did it, they wouldn't be in my life anymore. So, I certainly can't imagine ever saying something like that..maybe thinking it and feeling it and maybe confiding that to a friend or two, but a facebook status update?

Facebook complaining/status like the above is not what I think of as typically passive aggressive. That's just outright aggressive in my book, and kinda crazy.....

Yes, exactly, and I don't know too many people who do that. Most of them actually post very positive comments about their spouses or partners.

Making nasty comments about the people in your life and not actually addressing those people face to face is juvenile. Negativity breeds negativity ... just as "misery loves company." I don't have time for such people as they are mentally exhausting.

I don't particularly care for the word worthy. To me it is a sense of entitlement (and makes me think of my mother-in-law who tends to demand respect where ever she goes.) I mainly concern myself to treat others the way I want to be treated...

Makes me NOT miss those days when I had no idea what a friendship was supposed to be.

Yes on the juvenile, and yuck, me neither on the not missing it.

 

[barbad0s]

Sometimes, it's going around thinking you're worthy that can make you hurt and suffer even more. Even if you do seem to deserve good things in return for the good you've done. IMO, it's almost like complaining negates all of it. That's not to say you shouldn't try to do something when someone is being abusive towards you. Above acceptable treatment is a bit of an unrealistic goal though. It's even a little morally questionable to me, to want to focus so much on you being treated better than other people, instead of working on bringing up everyone else together with you.

I try to stay confident and positive and treat everything that goes right for me in life like a bonus.