What is and isn't acceptable for friendship if one party is in a monogomas relationship | INFJ Forum

What is and isn't acceptable for friendship if one party is in a monogomas relationship

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by SpoofyMcPoof, Sep 24, 2009.

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?
  1. Yes

    4 vote(s)
    10.5%
  2. No

    29 vote(s)
    76.3%
  3. Only if it stays non-sexual.

    5 vote(s)
    13.2%
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More threads by SpoofyMcPoof
  1. SpoofyMcPoof

    SpoofyMcPoof Community Member

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    Take the poll before you read the post, I wants unbiased answers whee.




















    I recently got a new boyfriend (yay!) who is a super awesome INtJ. However my friend (my ex of a few months ago) can't seem to comprehend this. He seems to think that 'friend' cuddling is ok as long as it doesn't get sexual. He also thinks that kisses on the lips (short pecks) are ok as well. I don't agree. To me, the only guy who gets to touch me in any prolonged fasion is my boyfriend. However this just may be a typical ESTP standpoint. I told him as much and he's going to respect my boundaries from here on out but it bugs me that he thinks these things are ok. ESTP's are so weird.

    He's otherwise a really sweet guy and very good friend. He is dating some other girl but I think it must not be moving fast enough for him. He moved down to Illinois with me because the colleges here offered courses for the specific thing he wants to get into (administration in schools) and the colleges back home didn't. So other than my new boyfriend he's the only person I know in this city. As an INFJ I find it very difficult to make new connections so you can see the issue with just cutting him off for a while (which is what I would normally do in this situation).

    Opinions? (I loves them)
     
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    #1 SpoofyMcPoof, Sep 24, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2009
  2. Orion

    Orion Strength through understanding
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    Kissing a female friend seems a bit... far. I mean maybe one of those greeting kisses but it better have 0.5 nanosecond contact duration. Hugging, yeah I guess, if they need it. But if you are constantly hugging and kissing them you might as well be going out.

    Of course this is my INFJ perspective and what I would do. I know a lot of people who are friends and they have lots of physical contact like that.
     
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  3. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    You don't kiss someone of the gender you're interested in if you're in a relationship with someone. Especially if they're an ex.
     
  4. Eniko

    Eniko May snark if provoked
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    Totally not okay. A cuddle here or there, I guess I can see that, but pecks on the lips? Hell no. That's just strange someone would think that's okay.
     
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  5. sassafras

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    Uh, no. To me, any sort of kiss on the lips is a fairly intimate gesture, and should be reserved for people in an intimate, romantic relationship.

    Cuddling, on the other hand, can be a gray area between two friends of the opposite sex. I don't think there are any definitive rules or guidelines that can be offered here. The way I see it, if you're watching a movie and you're leaning up against one another, that's still okay where friendship is concerned. But if you're going out of your way to full out cuddle with the other person, or spooning in a bed, that's definitely crossing some sort of line.

    I think if your ex is arguing that its okay for you two to behave like this, I get the feeling that he's not quite over whatever you two had... It's not that he wants to get back together, mind you; he just might miss that "comfort" aspect of the relationship.
     
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  6. Entyqua

    Entyqua Forgotten
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    my sentiments exactly
     
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  7. OP
    SpoofyMcPoof

    SpoofyMcPoof Community Member

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    It's good to see you guys agree with me. The way he was arguing this he was acting like I was crazy.

    TheDaringHatTrick: You probably nailed it on the head
     
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  8. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Well, I wouldn't kiss or cuddle another man if I was content with my romantical man. But I hug my guy friends and stuff.

    When I answered this, I mostly thought about the guy I am dating now, and how I would feel if he cuddled and kissed friends who were women. He has many female friends, and I've seen him kiss one of them (before we were actually together, though.)

    To be honest, it'd bother the hell out of me.. but if it was non-sexual I'd have to deal with it if that's the way he wants to express himself.
     
  9. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    I would say definitely no-no to kissing. Cuddling for a little while maybe if people are comfortable with it.

    This was actually all kind of an issue for me last year with my roommate's girlfriend (who I think is ESTJ). She wanted to cuddle (which my roommate was okay with and joined in- it was not sexual at all), and she pecked me on the lips once when we were drunk, which I don't know if anyone saw. People did see her make out with another woman, including my roommate.

    So I don't think these kind of things are acceptable, especially kisses (especially sober kisses), but they aren't the worst things ever either. Ah, people would say I'm a prude or don't like physical contact or something like that. Freaking ESXXs.

    The most important thing for your situation, though, is how your boyfriend feels about all this. If I were you, I'd stop and and be expressively against physical contact with the guy who isn't your boyfriend.
     
  10. Solar Empath

    Solar Empath Community Member

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    I'd say hugging is OK, kissing and cuddling, definitely not OK.

    Compounded by ex status, it's not OK at all IMO. I wouldn't go past a handshake with an ex myself unless it was a time of grief.
     
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  11. slant

    slant Ruboobie

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    It seems fine to me.

    In fact, I've probably done that before. I'm not sure. I didn't ask them if they were single or not.
     
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  12. youhemmein

    youhemmein awkward turtle
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    Hugging is fine. And that's where it ends. Although, my ex didn't seem to mind me kissing girls. Lol.
     
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  13. slant

    slant Ruboobie

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    That sounds like a double standard. You can kiss girls, but not guys because I'm a guy and you're in a relationship with me.
     
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  14. youhemmein

    youhemmein awkward turtle
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    I didn't say it made sense.
     
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  15. slant

    slant Ruboobie

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    Ah.
     
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  16. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    Does make sense kinda.

    Guys want the threesome. They don't want to be cuckolded.
     
  17. slant

    slant Ruboobie

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    It's sexist.

    Spose' if you want complete freedom, date someone who is bi. They won't care AT ALL.
     
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  18. Pristinegirl

    Pristinegirl Well-known member

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    I fully agree :) Take for example friends. In other words someone not of the gender you're interested in.

    Although, when being in a relationship one could think that one should not need the urge to kiss other people...
     
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    #18 Pristinegirl, Oct 21, 2009
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2009
  19. Julia

    Julia Community Member

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    What is appropriate in a friendship outside a monogamous relationship is largely defined by the romantic relationship. There are a few rare people out there who have no feelings of jealousy and who might be sincerely okay with something like you describe, but that would be the exception more than the rule. The primary issue is to have enough respect for the monogamous friend's romantic partner to care and respond to how they feel about something like that.
     
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