[INTP] What does this potentially mean

[RandomINTP123]

I've been talking to an INFJ guy for about 2+ months now, we hung out a few times and eventually I was pretty straight forward with how I felt about him, and told him that I liked him several times. He mentioned that he recently broke up with his ex and felt like he gave his all and wasn't sure he was ready to open up like that again. I'll try to keep it brief so here goes:

- He messages me basically every morning (around the same time) to basically wish me a great day, and we have spoken every single day since getting to know each other
- We often joke around, and he can be somewhat flirty/playful but the flirt is extremely rare
- He does wall me out if he senses that I like him too much, sometimes would warn me about falling for him
- He says that he'd never lead me on (summarized)
Is this a hopeless dream and should I give up on things going past what it is right now? Is it normal for INFJ to initiate contact almost every single day?

 

[Wyote]

Give him a little while and then come back with the idea of getting more serious, slowly.
Make sure your timetable about things is known and if that doesn't match up or you can't compromise in some way then you'll have to move on.
Just try to be clear about what you want/expect and when, and see if he can work with it in some way.
Don't pressure him, just explore options with him.

 

[slant]

I've been talking to an INFJ guy for about 2+ months now, we hung out a few times and eventually I was pretty straight forward with how I felt about him, and told him that I liked him several times. He mentioned that he recently broke up with his ex and felt like he gave his all and wasn't sure he was ready to open up like that again. I'll try to keep it brief so here goes:

- He messages me basically every morning (around the same time) to basically wish me a great day, and we have spoken every single day since getting to know each other
- We often joke around, and he can be somewhat flirty/playful but the flirt is extremely rare
- He does wall me out if he senses that I like him too much, sometimes would warn me about falling for him
- He says that he'd never lead me on (summarized)
Is this a hopeless dream and should I give up on things going past what it is right now? Is it normal for INFJ to initiate contact almost every single day?

I can give you personal experience of a similar but not identical situation.

Last fall my boyfriend broke up with me and I was determined to get back into the dating scene but I was was also terrified of starting a rebound relationship. Basically, I was emotionally fragile and I didn't want to get with somebody just to make myself feel better and then later on realize I had rushed into something.

So I would say keep in mind that when somebody has left a relationship it's a good idea for them to move slowly with a new person. My current boyfriend I started taking to a month after the breakup but we talked online for 2 months before meeting in person and dated for about 3 months in person before even sharing our first kiss. I was very upfront about wanting to take things slow, so it was a total of about 5 months before we actually got into an official relationship.

The thing that worries me here that you need to keep in mind is the statements this person is making about not wanting you to fall for him. Everybody's different, but I never communicated anything like that to my current boyfriend: I always intended to have a relationship, I was just taking it slow to be sure and healthy. I'm not sure it's a good idea to pursue a relationship with somebody who openly tells you not to.

 

[RandomINTP123]

Give him a little while and then come back with the idea of getting more serious, slowly.
Make sure your timetable about things is known and if that doesn't match up or you can't compromise in some way then you'll have to move on.
Just try to be clear about what you want/expect and when, and see if he can work with it in some way.
Don't pressure him, just explore options with him.

I don't really intend to bring it up again to be honest. I'm just at a place where I'm not sure it makes sense to hold onto the idea that more can happen. Can't help how I feel either, and it's a bit difficult to think myself out of this one unfortunately.

 

[RandomINTP123]

I can give you personal experience of a similar but not identical situation.

Last fall my boyfriend broke up with me and I was determined to get back into the dating scene but I was was also terrified of starting a rebound relationship. Basically, I was emotionally fragile and I didn't want to get with somebody just to make myself feel better and then later on realize I had rushed into something.

So I would say keep in mind that when somebody has left a relationship it's a good idea for them to move slowly with a new person. My current boyfriend I started taking to a month after the breakup but we talked online for 2 months before meeting in person and dated for about 3 months in person before even sharing our first kiss. I was very upfront about wanting to take things slow, so it was a total of about 5 months before we actually got into an official relationship.

The thing that worries me here that you need to keep in mind is the statements this person is making about not wanting you to fall for him. Everybody's different, but I never communicated anything like that to my current boyfriend: I always intended to have a relationship, I was just taking it slow to be sure and healthy. I'm not sure it's a good idea to pursue a relationship with somebody who openly tells you not to.

You're probably right. I guess I will just have to work on letting it go and not waste my energy and time. Letting it go is the hard part, especially since he chooses to communicate with me so often. I don't know the reason why but I think I need to not read into it anymore...but who am I fooling with that

 

[Matty]

You've been friend zoned.

There seems to be a lot of literature out there about the topic, mostly viewed from the perspective of a male attracted to a friend zoning female.

 

[Wyote]

I don't really intend to bring it up again to be honest.

Then you've already accepted the outcome.
Time to move on.

 

[aeon]

There’s no such thing as the friendzone.

You’re either friends with someone, or not, and/or you find each other sexually attractive, and are open to beginning a sexual relationship, or not.

If you think the (cis het) friendzone is real, two things are likely:

1. you don’t understand the social and interpersonal dynamics resulting from dimorphism
2. you’re adopting the core beliefs that pave the road to inceldom

Cheers,
Ian

 

[uuu]

My experience with romantic relationships is that in these kind of situations, where I'm not sure what someone "really means" by a certain phrase, the meaning has often been hiding in plain sight, and it was only my wishful thinking that made it obscure.

I would bet that your INFJ means exactly what he says when he says that

he recently broke up with his ex and felt like he gave his all and wasn't sure he was ready to open up like that again.

I.e., he wants to take things slow, build a slow rapport of trust, and make sure that one of you doesn't hurt the other and that the relationship is mutually supportive but not codependent before putting a label on things.

The question for you is then, is the guy worth the wait? No judgment either way.

 

[RandomINTP123]

My experience with romantic relationships is that in these kind of situations, where I'm not sure what someone "really means" by a certain phrase, the meaning has often been hiding in plain sight, and it was only my wishful thinking that made it obscure.

I would bet that your INFJ means exactly what he says when he says that

I.e., he wants to take things slow, build a slow rapport of trust, and make sure that one of you doesn't hurt the other and that the relationship is mutually supportive but not codependent before putting a label on things.

The question for you is then, is the guy worth the wait? No judgment either way.

Umm...I've been single by choice for the past 2+ years...I'm in no rush really. The hard part in this situation is that I rarely find myself actively liking anyone, or even thinking of pursuing anyone. It kinda caught me off guard how much I liked him and how quickly, it's almost stressful in a way ...Logically, I know he is afraid because he literally told me so. But then feelings just always gets in the way and makes me...feel...lol. He's worth the wait, I'm focused on my career and business so it's not like I'm just sitting and waiting for him to move me forward in life. I'm also not actively pursuing a relationship with anyone in particular. Just those damn feely feelings getting in my way ugh. In a way, I'm also trying not to over invest (INTPs can get a bit obsessive when they genuinely like someone) because I don't want to waste too much of my time and energy.

 

[uuu]

Umm...I've been single by choice for the past 2+ years...I'm in no rush really.

Sure, I didn't mean to accuse you of being in a rush. There's no "correct pace" for a relationship to proceed at: Sometimes you get a crush quickly, and sometimes it takes longer. In this case, the guy you're interested in needs a little more time. That doesn't mean that he's better than you or that his feelings are more legitimate, it's just a fact about that situation that you have to deal with.

Probabilistically speaking, even when two people are a perfect fit for each other, it's rare that they develop feelings at exactly the same time. Typically there is some transition period where one person is sure of their feelings and the other is still thinking about it. This, in and of itself, is not a bad thing.

 

[RandomINTP123]

Sure, I didn't mean to accuse you of being in a rush.

Didn't think you were, sorry if it came across that way

 

[Asa]

Hmmm. I'd say he isn't interested considering he told you not to fall for him but he is giving you mixed signals. Honestly, why waste your time on anyone who isn't eager to be with you? If you're joining a forum to ask strangers if someone likes you, is it even worth pursuing? You deserve a person who doesn't leave you guessing.


This is unrelatable to me. I have close friendships where we've texted daily for weeks or months, especially if something big is going on in our lives or we have an ongoing joke, but I'd never randomly text a new friend daily unless we really hit it off and we communicated a mutual bond of platonic friendship (which has happened). I am slow to open up and it takes time to build my trust but I'm also not the type who needs months to slowly work up to a romantic relationship when I'm interested in someone. Chances are I'm not interested and anything that seems like flirting is just me being nice and the other interpreting it the wrong way. IF I'm interested (rare IF), I'm a complete slut for my partner. I'm not sure how well this aligns with other INFJs.

 

[RandomINTP123]

Hmmm. I'd say he isn't interested considering he told you not to fall for him but he is giving you mixed signals. Honestly, why waste your time on anyone who isn't eager to be with you? If you're joining a forum to ask strangers if someone likes you, is it even worth pursuing? You deserve a person who doesn't leave you guessing.


This is unrelatable to me. I have close friendships where we've texted daily for weeks or months, especially if something big is going on in our lives or we have an ongoing joke, but I'd never randomly text a new friend daily unless we really hit it off and we communicated a mutual bond of platonic friendship (which has happened). I am slow to open up and it takes time to build my trust but I'm also not the type who needs months to slowly work up to a romantic relationship when I'm interested in someone. Chances are I'm not interested and anything that seems like flirting is just me being nice and the other interpreting it the wrong way. IF I'm interested (rare IF), I'm a complete slut for my partner. I'm not sure how well this aligns with other INFJs.

I don't expect him to be eager because I know he's in defense mode and emotionally unstable (his words) after his last relationship. I only joined to ask so that I could get another perspective from potentially like minded people. I do agree that I deserve someone that doesn't leave me guessing but it's not like we're dating or anything. We hung out a few times, it always felt very natural and was never awkward.

To be honest, I'm just not used to texting someone every single day for such a long period unless I'm in a relationship, so from my perspective that is a bit confusing.

 

[Asa]

To be honest, I'm just not used to texting someone every single day for such a long period unless I'm in a relationship, so from my perspective that is a bit confusing.

It is confusing. Has he mentioned that he feels a connection (of any sort) with you?

 

[RandomINTP123]

It is confusing. Has he mentioned that he feels a connection (of any sort) with you?

He said he likes my spirit and it's rare to find someone that he actually clicks with. He also said that he likes me / hanging with me (I can't clarify this part any further lol), that I'm cool and kinda funny. Other than that he never really expressed much of anything.

 

[Asa]

He said he likes my spirit and it's rare to find someone that he actually clicks with. He also said that he likes me / hanging with me (I can't clarify this part any further lol), that I'm cool and kinda funny. Other than that he never really expressed much of anything.

Hmmmm, I don't know. INFJs tend to stick with their friendships long-term, so if he isn't interested in romance, you may make a good friend. There is something to be said for that.

 

[RandomINTP123]

Hmmmm, I don't know. INFJs tend to stick with their friendships long-term, so if he isn't interested in romance, you may make a good friend. There is something to be said for that.

That's true. I have no regrets either way, I already expressed how I feel and sometimes still do but in silly ways usually. I guess if he's interested there's nothing much in the way besides his trauma and/or own interpretation of our situation.

 

[RandomINTP123]

I guess I should update you kind folk.

He recently told me over text that he feels like he is missing me, so I made a typical INTP silly joke in response (I was kind of caught off guard tbh). He then said he was being for real, he missed my presence and he likes being around me, and that we should hang out and enjoy ourselves. I responded and said that that made me very happy and I missed him as well. We haven't hung out in a long time. Tbh, I started pulling away somewhat (even though we still spoke every day) because I didn't really like dealing with all the feelings. I'm not sure if he picked up on that and opened up in response. I guess that I should just ask him why he mentioned it

 

[slant]

I guess I should update you kind folk.

He recently told me over text that he feels like he is missing me, so I made a typical INTP silly joke in response (I was kind of caught off guard tbh). He then said he was being for real, he missed my presence and he likes being around me, and that we should hang out and enjoy ourselves. I responded and said that that made me very happy and I missed him as well. We haven't hung out in a long time. Tbh, I started pulling away somewhat (even though we still spoke every day) because I didn't really like dealing with all the feelings. I'm not sure if he picked up on that and opened up in response. I guess that I should just ask him why he mentioned it

Direct communication really solves vague situations like these