Understanding the INFJ Doorslam

[ClevelandINTP]

Not good. They also don’t communicate any of this as it’s going on so it can be avoided. Or they withdraw. And maybe the residual feelings being pushed onto them is from them being avoidant and distant so it just feeds it.

So what you’re saying is the only way to avoid it is to ignore them and let them interact with you on their terms which is imbalanced and one-sided

No one likes to be blind sided. And yes, the slam has a build-up, but most people prefer knowing “what the hell” was that about. At least people who care enough about the other person

 

[Wyote]

Not good. They also don’t communicate any of this as it’s going on so it can be avoided. Or they withdraw. And maybe the residual feelings being pushed onto them is from them being avoidant and distant so it just feeds it.

So what you’re saying is the only way to avoid it is to ignore them and let them interact with you on their terms which is imbalanced

Yea and don't be a donkey doo doo to begin with. It's not residual bullshit, you're just trying to make yourself feel better. They made a decision you didn't like, it's very simple.

 

[Sandie33]

Fair, but if one is able to be who they are free from judgement, and the other is not, that’s an imbalanced relationship on any level

Umm, try to be a bit more diplomatic in seeing both sides of the fallout.

I followed along with the backs-and-forths convo here in the thread. Since it's been a month, try reaching out and saying hey, how we doing? If this person is an INFJ and they just needed some time away from you to analyze the situation, they will feel more inclined to discuss what may have led them to make you think they door slamed you. But, if you contact them with "you did thus and such, and when are you going to get over it" they will permanently slam you and act like you never existed even if you're standing in front of them.

From the quote above it reads you are making a character judgement about them and no one with any sense, expecially an INFJ would stick around for that.

 

[ClevelandINTP]

Hmm

Donkey doo doo is subjective.

And the amount of shit that they throw that doesn’t get called out because they’re “sensitive” makes it imbalanced

And residual is from their actions. While their still in their heads, the outside world is still going on—take accountability

Most of this stems from not communicating needs, being over-sensitive, withdrawing and then not having the courage to face being accountable. Lot easier to walk away than to work through conflict

I think the slam is okay if you’ve actually tried to work through conflict, but if not, it’s weak sauce

 

[Sandie33]

Hmm

Donkey doo doo is subjective.

And the amount of shit that they throw that doesn’t get called out because they’re “sensitive” makes it imbalanced

And residual is from their actions—take accountability

Most of this stems from being over-sensitive, withdrawing and then not having the courage to face being accountable. Lot easier to walk away than to work through conflict

I think the slam is okay if you’ve actually tried to work through conflict, but if not, it’s weak sauce

Oh boy,

 

[Wyote]

Donkey doo doo is subjective.

So is this

being over-sensitive, withdrawing and then not having the courage to face being accountable

I think the slam is okay if you’ve actually tried to work through conflict, but if not, it’s weak sauce

I agree, but it seems to me that again, you're just not ok with anything unless it is actually on your terms with your personal desired outcome

 

[ClevelandINTP]

I appreciate a fair process is the difference in what we’re talking through

I’m outcome agnostic and respect other people’s decisions. Much more about the process for me

I also appreciate when those thoughts and decisions are communicated in a direct, transparent way which would likely avoid the slam to begin with

 

[Wyote]

I appreciate a fair process is the difference in what we’re talking through

I’m outcome agnostic and respect other people’s decisions. Much more about the process for me

I also appreciate when those decisions are communicated in a direct, transparent way which would likely avoid the slam to begin with

I find it very hard, essentially impossible, for you to have found yourself being legitimately door slammed by an actual INFJ with this tenets

 

[ClevelandINTP]

Haha

Well, the door is never usually locked is what I’ve found, but it’s a giant pain in the ass

Also, it creates an imbalanced relationship because once I am back in, it’s like I don’t want to deal with that all over again so I’m going to walk on eggshells and now you are going to be even less engaged and revealing of how close I am to a door slam

But again, the slam is a function of being over sensitive and under communicative (verbally) and potentially inflexible from the INFJs side

 

[Wyote]

and now you are going to be even less engaged and revealing of how close I am to a door slam

A hell of a lot closer than before

 

[ClevelandINTP]

I get it. It’s using an undesired consequence as leverage to change behavior in someone else is what I’ve seen, too. Like forced harmony usually on the INFJs terms. And not just with me. I’d see this done to others as well and just be like wtf

Differences in philosophies, I suppose

 

[Wyote]

Like forced harmony usually on the INFJs terms

Forced balance when an INFJ is actively/aggressively disrupted.
It's not as if they go around using it as a casual consequence, it is a last ditch effort to stop/rid negative blocks.

 

[Headstorm]

When you really got doorslammed there is no fairness anywhere around. Fair or not, ask yourself the question: do I want to see things back to normal or not? If so, reach out. If not, or you don't care: move on.

 

[ClevelandINTP]

Or just tell someone “hey, you mean x to me, but I need some time on my own to sort things out.” Most people would respond positively to something like that. And if that person did something to you to create it, then just tell them or give them assurance it’s not about them it’s about x. INFJs in particular just expect people to know. It’s not fair to anybody to assume they know and to what extent they hurt someone. If you can’t do that, then you need to just let it go

Conflict avoidance is the issue

 

[Wyote]

Or just tell someone “hey, you mean x to me, but I need some time on my own to sort things out.” Most people would respond positively to something like that. And if that person did something to you to create it, then just tell them or give them assurance it’s not about them it’s about x. INFJs in particular just expect people to know. It’s not fair to anybody to assume they know and to what extent they hurt someone. If you can’t do that, then you need to just let it go

Conflict avoidance is the issue

Door slams only happen after multiple offenses which do not involve avoidance. Of course, people are going to be at different ability levels with communication during times of conflict.
Generally all people of all types suck at conflict resolution.

 

[ClevelandINTP]

Seems like it’s pretty easy to say a few sentences and step aside

Ain’t going to get any better at resolving conflicts by avoiding them. Look at the big picture and how it could help you next time even if you’re done with that person, you will certainly have to face conflict at some other point

 

[Wyote]

Seems like it’s pretty easy to say a few sentences and step aside

Ok

Ain’t going to get any better at resolving conflicts by avoiding them

Everyone is at a different place with different abilities. Some INFJs are well versed in conflict, some are not. Same with every other type.
Also, a lot of times it is a matter of using time wisely. Resolving every single conflict is not necessarily a good use of time.

 

[JennyDaniella]

I agree with most of what @Wyote has said. Usually INFJs don’t door slam on a whim, it’s usually after an accumulation of offenses or discomfort. We aren’t typically the type on wanting to hurt others either unless it got to the point that it became toxic and tiring to deal with and we have to literally put up a wall.

Time to move on and go to the next. Also from what I’ve been observing and gathering, it’s probably time you find other types to date aside from INFJs. It just looks like you aren’t respecting nor agreeing what we stand for, especially when it comes to boundaries and needing space.

 

[worthy]

I've doorslammed three times in my life [note: actually four, but one was so effective I forgot it for a moment]. It has always been out of self defense with a person who I could not stay open to without being hurt. Twice it was actually mom-friends who are toxic people and who blamed my children and myself falsely for serious things. I had to shut myself off in those relationships, and as JennyDaniella says below, go completely stone-cold and entirely disengaged from them. The purpose is to a) send an unmistakeable message with a gigantic boundary, and b) to avoid continued and repeated pain to myself caused by that person.

I completely sever my emotional connection to the person, take them entirely off my radar, actively avoid them, choose not to make eye contact or conversation if we are in the same place, act like they don't exist. It is effective as self-protection. It's also incredibly sad and I wouldn't ever do it except as a last resort. It is the only recourse left when you're so emotionally connected to everything around you that you can't turn it off at will. So you turn it off permanently, which is the door slam.

So two were mom-friends...

One of the moms' kids was severely bullying one of mine last year. Even after administrators got involved, the mom would not acknowledge the situation or address it with her daughter, AND then (insult to injury) continued to act nicey-nicey to me as if nothing had happened and as if we should still be friends. When I called her on it, she aggressively blamed my child and me, and it took me only one second to choose to disengage permanently from them. I avoid the mom (and her child) and will not engage with them. I communicated clearly that I was done and then just shut myself off to her.

The other mom was several years back, and there were multiple incidents involving her kids emotionally hurting mine, and also the mom being vicious about me behind my back, and I just felt I had to cut her off and erase her from my life. Same thing - I shut myself off to her, ignore her, don't engage with her, avoid her in public, etc.

Am I sad about it? No. I'm 100% done. Stone cold. It doesn't stress me out at all - it's a relief - because I no longer have any connection to either of them.

The third time was my XH, who left me for one of my closest friends about 8 years ago. I tried to be empathetic, compassionate, collaborative about the separation at first, even through my pain. But everything I tried to do right he turned against me. It was hideously toxic and painful. So I doorslammed. Which means the same as above - I don't chat with him, we communicate only minimally and in writing not talking, I avoid him, and I made it absolutely clear that I would not tolerate being in contact with his GF. It allows me to interact with him as minimally as necessary - you can't coparent without some basic interaction - without engaging with those feelings and hurting myself over and over.

Oh, I realize his GF is the fourth. You just don't go after your close friend's husband the moment he indicates that he's planning to leave her. You don't do it. SLAM. I cannot tolerate someone like that in my life ever again. Such betrayal earns no second chances.

I don't have any intention to ever repair any of those relationships. They hurt me; it's not mine to fix and they are too far gone to be able to make amends. I don't believe I would ever reverse a doorslam. It's the last resort, and to me it's a sort of emotional exile of that person that can only be done - it can't be undone.

I have a good friend who is known in our local music circles and who suddenly and seemingly inexplicably cut ties with his brother several years back. His brother is also a local musician and they used to play together all the time. Now they do not speak and it was initiated by my friend. I feel certain my friend is an INFJ and I also feel certain that this was a classic doorslam. I don't think most people understand what that is, so they don't get why the two brothers don't speak, but I get it. I don't know what his brother did, but I am quite sure it must have been thoroughly intolerable to my friend to push him to doorslamming his brother.

My guess is that INFJs are emotionally connected/perceptive/open in a way that we have great difficulty modulating, and because we can't shut down our awareness and openness easily, this last resort method is the most effective way to permanently shut off a toxic channel to protect ourselves.

I know I've doorslammed when I stop feeling in relation to that person. The only exception has been residual pain from my divorce, but it lessens over time. I think if I could 100% cut him out of my life it would work better, but we still share custody of minor children, so those wounds get prodded regularly. But the doorslam has been otherwise quite effective (and shocking to him, but he seems to have accepted it and matches my lack of engagement).

I’ve doorslammed twice in my life, and it’s always been the last resort I would ever go to. When I doorslam, I freaking doorslam. No contact, no interaction whatsoever. I am completely stone cold, and that is freaking rare.

I don’t do it on impulse either. It’s usually after days of deep contemplation whether I should keep interacting with this person or not, and when I don’t have any strong feelings anymore, just indifference.

It’s always a very last resort because I never want to hurt another person’s feelings; but if someone continues to take advantage of my kindness and loyalty, and only just keeps promoting toxicity and drama, you bet your ass I’m shutting the door on you. I don’t give a crap anymore, my Fe is out the window completely.

 

[Wyote]

My guess is that INFJs are emotionally connected/perceptive/open in a way that we have great difficulty modulating, and because we can't shut down our awareness and openness easily, this last resort method is the most effective way to permanently shut off a toxic channel to protect ourselves.

Yup!