The Nature of Trust

[invisible]

Surely it's time for a new thread about trust? What it is and what it should be?

I was talking to my brother about it. He said his girlfriend got angry at him at a holiday family gathering because he slipped out to make a phone call to our mother and apparently it was at the wrong time that he made the call and it took too long. For my brother, he was fully convinced that he had taken the right opportunity to make the call, and it was important for him to call his mother on this day. I told my brother that I think his girlfriend maybe has a bit of a trust issue - that she needs to trust him to have made the best decision possible for him to make in any given situation.

I don't know whether I was right or not, but it just got me thinking about trust in general, and how complex an issue it can be.

How much is it right to trust another person? Should you trust another person with EVERYTHING? Do you have to trust someone completely in order to love them better or respect them more, or do you have to trust them a little bit less than completely in order to do those things properly? We're only human, we're bound to make our share of mistakes - so is it entirely fair to trust someone completely?

What is your experience of trust? What does it mean to you in relationships, and how important is it?

 

[Pin]

How much is it right to trust another person?

The extent to which you don't trust yourself.

Should you trust another person with EVERYTHING?

Only if you're supremely incompetent (e.g. The 45th President of The United States).

Do you have to trust someone completely in order to love them better or respect them more, or do you have to trust them a little bit less than completely in order to do those things properly?

I cannot love people I do not trust. However, I am capable of not trusting the people I love.

We're only human, we're bound to make our share of mistakes - so is it entirely fair to trust someone completely?

No, but then again life isn't fair, especially to the incompetent. Blessed are the incapable.

What is your experience of trust? What does it mean to you in relationships, and how important is it?

I've not really had to trust other people except for when I was very young. I was inconsistently rewarded or let down for my trust in adults.

 

[James]

What is your experience of trust? What does it mean to you in relationships, and how important is it?

It depends on context and motives. I recently broke a promise to my friend, that I wouldn't tell his family how he was. But I really felt I had no choice.

I regard it as very important. When you lose trust, that's pretty much it. I think it's about balance and how well you know the person.

 

[Deleted member 10171]

Nothings changed for me....I trust God and my husband completely. Have there been times when I felt a little wobbly - of course but that's more about me than the other person. I have other friends that I trust too and know I can confide in without them breaking my trust.

There are friends who I don't trust but I find it's still possible to have a good relationship/friendship with them - I'm just mindful and able to park any discrepancies (basically as long as it doesn't impact me, then I'm not too fussed).

 

[invisible]

When you lose trust, that's pretty much it.

For me personally, challenge to trust ("loss" of trust) leads to a personal decision to renew the investment in trust or abandon the investment in trust. If I decide to trust, I can do it. I have done this before. My experience with this leads me to believe that for me, trust is always a decision. I recognise and respect that the experience of others may be different from my own.

 

[Wyote]

For me personally, challenge to trust ("loss" of trust) leads to a personal decision to renew the investment in trust or abandon the investment in trust. If I decide to trust, I can do it. I have done this before. My experience with this leads me to believe that for me, trust is always a decision. I recognise and respect that the experience of others may be different from my own.

From your perspective, do you find people to be too quick to renew or abandon trust? Too often? Too slow? Too fast? Not enough? Any other thoughts you are comfortable expanding on as well. If trust is a decision, how do we make the right one and when does it need to be made. Important things to contemplate imho.

 

[invisible]

From your perspective, do you find people to be too quick to renew or abandon trust? Too often? Too slow? Too fast? Not enough? Any other thoughts you are comfortable expanding on as well. If trust is a decision, how do we make the right one and when does it need to be made. Important things to contemplate imho.

It's all just very complicated. I think I mean @James really has a point, when it's gone it's gone, but that seems too simple as well.

Like what does it take to shatter trust... what does it take to reconstruct it... It's different for everyone.

I did it, I made the wrong choice... at least it fucked up my life quite a lot in the end... but it was the right choice at the time, I did the best I could. Does that mean it was wrong? It was necessary for the relationship to move forward at that time, which was what I had decided on.

I've seen people before say their trust was shattered over things that seemed lesser to me than what happened to me and what I decided to go on to reestablish trust over. But I guess that's really none of my business. It was right for them.

I tend to think that as you get older, you get more aware of the fallibilities of the human heart. You sort of consciously go "OK, I guess they could cheat on me at any time... I can't control them, and I can't be constantly questioning them or hassling them about it... So I guess I just have to sort of decide to trust them and to hope that things will turn out for the best... I have to just accept the discomfort of some level of uncertainty..." You could keep worrying about it and trying to exercise control over it if you want to, but it really isn't a sustainable way to live or to relate to another person. If they let you down then I guess you have to decide, where do we go from here and what is still possible? Do I still respect and admire you as a person, and is that enough to go forward, or was the former level of trust absolutely necessary to the relationship?

Or I guess the alternative is to sort of trust blindly... never permit it to enter your head that the person you're relating to could ever be anything other than perfect... Perfect trust... Is that the kind of trust that everyone dreams of? I'm not really sure, maybe it is. But it seems sort of like tempting fate, a little bit like a sort of russian roulette.

 

[Wyote]

But it seems sort of like tempting fate, a little bit like a sort of russian roulette.

People are all a bit nutty.
Great post and response!

 

[Dani]

• Oh gosh, I have been waiting for a question like this for a long while. There was a time when I would say that no, no one can be trusted with everything, every single part of me, because I was afraid they would leave me if I told them. Now, I know that there are special, wonderful people that can handle that. I know that there are amazing butterfly people who, after a mutual understanding takes place, strives to learn more about you, and you about them. People who you can trust with every fiber of your being that even in your darkest days they will be at your side fighting the demons with you, and you for them. People who you feel such loyalty for that you would follow them into battle wielding a pencil, and...and surprise yourself with your undying love and insane, fierce loyalty for them. You don't doubt them, they don't doubt you, and you are at each other's sides in every imaginable category. That is the sort of thing I look for, and in one case have already found.

 

[Jonah Caan]

It depends on the kind of relationship. But if it was my partner, I would begin with trusting them unconditionally until they break that trust. Then I would trust them as much as they show they can be trusted, if that makes sense.

But yeah, once I decide that I'm going to be in a relationship with that person, I would always start with unconditional trust.

 

[Asa]

Lacking trust in others can be either a sign of unbalance of some kind. Having too much trust can be a sign of naivety.

In the OP’s case, is this lack of trust or a desire to control? The situation seemed more like a control issue than a trust issue, except that the gf didn’t trust her bf to make good decisions. A year later, I wonder if they’re still together and how happy they are.

I trust my SO as much as it is possible to realistically trust someone. I understand his nature and personality, and the areas where I may not trust him unconditionally align with what I know about him. In terms of big things, like faithfulness, I do trust him. It isn’t a question for me. You have to let the other person live their own life and make decisions, and you need to be able to trust them to make the best decisions for themselves, and for you and your relationship. It is perfectly fine not to trust each other with little things that don’t have major consequences, and to help your partner improve by addressing them.

Example of acceptable mistrust: I do not trust my SO to remember to pick up dog food because every time I ask, no matter how many times I ask, he forgets. I take precautions so we don't run out of dog food.

Mistrust can happen for a few reasons.

- The couple had an incident where one earned mistrust and they haven't healed.
- One of the people had a bad experience in a past relationship that they haven’t healed from.
- The mistrustful person has unhealthy control issues.
- Immaturity.