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Terror

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Lyra, Mar 14, 2010.

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  1. Lyra

    Lyra Guest

    Something has broken; I can't see humans as human anymore.

    I don't know if people who haven't experience this will even know what I'm talking about. There's some essential... recognition... that underlays typical human-to-human perception. It's as though everybody's sending signals to each other on a common frequency range, which everybody is tuned into. Sometimes we realise that humans might seem very different to an intelligence which didn't percieve things in those terms-- but that realisation is abstract or mild.

    This isn't abstract; it's violent. I can't see human beings anymore. The ability has broken. All I can see are these monstrous creatures... these horrific spawn of strife, moralising sensation-- imposing order upon sensation-- in patterns determined by their own unadmitted fundamental nature. I can't tune in. I can't take what people say how it's meant-- humanly, that is.

    Walking through London has become infinitely more horrifying than any of the childish fantasies of Lovecraft or Blackwood. The horror isn't far away or imagined, or behind appearance; it's there, and I can't escape from it. The fragile raft of humanness has disintegrated, and what I see now are... these disgusting, lumbering complexes of flesh, arranged into alien shapes and utterly blind to their own hideousness. I am drowning in the sea that that fragile raft keeps the human atop of; a sea of perception where humans are other, and where the human doesn't exist.

    I can't go atop again. And what we look like from everywhere but our little raft is... just horrific.

    I'm not really trying to evoke a specific reaction with this post. I know that this could be seen as Lovecraftian in that way, but it isn't. I'm just... horrified. I can't engage with human systems as a human any more, and humans are more monstrous observed from the outside than any of their imagined monsters are when viewed from the inside-- when viewed humanly.
     
  2. NeverAmI

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    Define human.

    Are you serious or is it a joke?
     
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    #2 NeverAmI, Mar 14, 2010
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2010
  3. IndigoSensor

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    I am sorry, but I am going to be a little harsh here. This kind of disillusionment is only going to lead to pain and hatred. How can you look at every human being as horrible? Surely you don't truly think that. Everyone knows at least one person who is kind and worthwhile. If that is not the case, then by your definition, you should see yourself as a hideous creature. That is also a bad thing because you surely are not. Your heading to a road of either abysmal self-esteem or extreme grandiosity, and neither is no better then the other.

    This kind of thought process leads to nowhere, and I don't know where your base for it even comes from. For lack of anything better, you have to stop thinking like this. We are who we are, and we all have to life in this world whether or not we like it. If we can't at the very least learn to work with it in a positive way, then life will forever be a needless struggle, and that struggle does not have to be.
     
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  4. OP
    Lyra

    Lyra Guest

    Serious. The meanings of 'human' and 'human' are multiordinal.
     
  5. Raccoon Love

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    +1
     
  6. OP
    Lyra

    Lyra Guest

    I don't 'think' it; I see it. I can't escape it. It's not a choice.

    In answer to your advice about positivity, here's something I wrote (during a horrifying LSD trip, admittedly) a few months ago:

    Misc. notes, to clarify meanings:

    'Oceans of consciousness' refers to a phrase a friend of mind used, when describing a positive 'mystical' experience he had had. He conceived of 'enlightenment' etc. in terms of this, which is why I used it in conjunction with 'of pain' to subvert its meaning.

    The references to Plato deal with his Form of the Good, which he held to be the pinnacle of reality, and what embodied existence was a degraded aberration from. 'I walk amongst his Forms' means that I can see his 'higher spiritual reality' and its relation to what he saw as the mundane world, which they aberrate and degrade into (according to a Platonic conception of the cosmos).

    The linked song was played on repeat at ear-drum splitting volume throughout the trip. I start all-out hallucinating whenever I hear it, now.
     
    #6 Lyra, Mar 14, 2010
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  7. IndigoSensor

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    Whether or not you feel it, it is a dangerous path. You indeed can escape it. You clearly have damage to your emotional being, and that is why this is effecting you. Simply accepting this as it is is not going to solve the problem.

    I myself am fighting through some pretty bad depression/anexity right now, and if I did nothing about it it wouldn't get better. Everything takes effort, even if the pain seems to be too strong, it can be done. To say this is a permanent trap that you can not avoid, is a cop out. Even if this transcends into spiritual matters, something can be done. If you fail to realise that, I have nothing else to say, the rest is upon you.
     
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  8. Roger

    Roger ...

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    I hate the word "Terror". I am stopping myself here...
     
  9. Raccoon Love

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    Also this as well, I myself have been struggling through depression and anxiety, this negative feelings won't get you anywhere,and you must restrained yourself from thinking this way. In the end this is of no good towards your spiritual development, instead it is limiting your perception and keeping you from progressing.
     
    #9 Raccoon Love, Mar 14, 2010
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  10. OP
    Lyra

    Lyra Guest

    Just a quick note: I think my broadband is about to cut-out. I'll try to get back and answer any replies later today, but it's possible that the delay could be a few days. (So, I'm sorry if I'm slow with replies until it's back online).
     
    #10 Lyra, Mar 14, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 14, 2010
  11. Soulful

    Soulful life is good

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    Let me try this again.

    I'll second or third Indigo's posts.

    There is a humanity better than this. I honestly don't know whether I can say you need to find that within yourself, but I wish I could share with you the beauty and peace that exists. It's real.

    Is it possible you're caught up in a mental game of dissecting and glorifying what you see/think? There is SO MUCH mental activity teeming off the page... and that's great but I wonder where you are in all of this? I don't know whether this makes any sense, and I apologize if it does not or if what I'm saying is out of place.
     
    #11 Soulful, Mar 14, 2010
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  12. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    I feel your pain. London can be a nightmarish city and I don't like it there at all. Come to Birmingham: we're much more friendly. :D Having said that, you could do some active seeking, of the beautiful things. There are some wonderful art galleries in London, filled with beautiful objects to meditate on, and there will be gentle people there too, finding solace from the noise and ugliness outside. Also, sitting in churches helps me when I'm upset with the world - despite my lack of specific faith - many of them are open to all when there aren't services on during the day, and especially the old ones have an aura that is indescribably calming. Wishing you well. :)
     
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    #12 Puck, Mar 14, 2010
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  13. OP
    Lyra

    Lyra Guest

    Better, good, safe, happy-- these are irrelevant to me.


    Part 1

    There once was a child named Ly. Ly looked out upon the world and saw two great forces locked into a deathly dance. Their names were good and bad. They danced through humans and upon humans; humans were the tiles underfoot, the dance-floor for these grand forces they were subject to.

    Ly saw this, and Ly was discontent. Day by day, month by month, her discontent grew, as Eris*. She felt the burden of the tireless, slavish cycle of good after bad after good after bad after good after bad. She saw it all around her, and she knew it for the slave-master that it was. She could see the walls of the cells built from good and bad, but knew not of the possibility of escape.

    Depressed, sad, happy, uplifted-- people walked under these banners in contended discontent, sated by the good in a duality where each, necessarily, depended for its existence upon the other. Ly looked upon them, and she could see only slaves to duality.

    Ly lived long with her discontent.
    ---

    Homer, Iliad 4. 441 ff (trans. Lattimore) (Greek epic C8th B.C.) :
    "Ares drove these [the Trojans] on, and the Akhaians grey-eyed Athene, and Phobos (Terror) drove them, and Deimos (Fear), and Eris (Hate) whose wrath is relentless, she is the sister and companion of murderous Ares, she who is only a little thing at the first, but thereafter grows until she strides on the earth with her head striking heaven. She then hurled down bitterness equally between both sides as she walked through the onslaught making men's pain heavier."

    ---

    Part 2

    Ly grew and, reluctantly, turned her starry eyes away from the cannibalistic frenzy of good and bad. She saw how they ravaged their humans, but she saw not how to usurp their tyranny. She busied herself, instead, with murdering another prison-guard: personality.

    Ly devised a complex battle-plan in her war against personality. She had been gifted a Thelemite Tarot deck from an old witch while she was picking mushrooms in the forest behind her house. When she returned home, she laid out the 22 cards of the Major Arcana, and she thought: "what if I could be 22, instead of 1?" Her martial strategy was as follows:

    She would divide her life into 2-week long cycles. At the start of every cycle she would pick, at random, 1 of the 22 cards. For the first week, she would learn everything possible about the single card chosen.

    She would immerse her mind in it. Symbols, sensations, spirits, patterns, traits-- she would learn and permeate all.

    At the start of the second week, she would become the card. Every thought, action, tendency, habit, stylism, and moment of waking and sleeping would be lived as an embodiment of the card. Her dress, how she was with people, her dancing, her magic, her ventures out in the wilderness beyond-- all would be determined by the card randomly picked, during this second week of each cycle.

    Thereby, she knew, she would overcome the tyranny of little personality.

    14 weeks later, after being and seeing wonders unimagined, Ly sat down cross-legged in meditation, with her black witch-child's hair and her starry eyes, and shuffled. She was nervous as she always was when she shuffled: one card had made her beautiful and loved by all. Another had made her preach as a wrathful saint, and another had made her threaten to stab her father's eye out with a silver fork. She always prayed not to pick the 15th card, the Devil.

    Ly softly laid out the chosen card in front of her,
    face down upon the forest-cottage floor.

    Her eyes traced the shape of the unicursal hexagram on the card's back, and she knew it to be a symbol binding the heavens above and the human-beyond-personality. She knew the center to show the sun, and the outer points to show the planets, and she knew that this was also a map of what the human soul could be, when it awakened to itself and shook off the tyranny of little personality.
    [​IMG]


    She turned over the card. It was the devil. She was scared, knowing not what becoming the devil would do to her, but she knew that overcoming her fear was the hard path to the top of the mountain whose summit was freedom from personality. She would become a human dream-walking, bringing fantasy and wonder to this world of petty-character and mundane restriction, no matter what it cost her.


    [​IMG]


    Part 3

    But she was scared. Oh how she was scared. She who had been a Sun and a Hermit, and who had denied, in her life, what her elders had thought it meant to be human. She who would kill good and bad themselves... she was afraid she couldn't go on. She looked into the devil's mocking face and thought to herself, 'why must I be that?'.

    And Eris spoke back: because the old tyrant good and bad speaks through you now, child, and only by plunging into what it speaks against may you hurt it.

    And so she wrote her new soul down on paper:

    Week 2: as this great force arose within her. Oh what force within her! Ga Wath Am, she danced and danced, in frenzy and ecstasy. She felt the great primal force which all forms and structures were built from and built to direct, raw, pure, conscious, and ecstatic. From it she crafted beauties unknown, creatures unseen, and dreams undreamt.

    This force was older than her and older than her humanity. Everything human seemed to her driven by this force, but also in denial of its primacy, and striving not to be it. She mused to herself:

    " Humans are so identified with the mechanisms by which they structure this force’s effects that they believe them to be somehow independent and ends in themselves. And so morality and compassion are treated as higher states of being while the primal becomes ‘base’; they don't realise that ‘base’ forces are the base upon which the fragile constructs of social values and mutual consideration stand. "

    On she danced, but her feet faltered. Her mind was heavy, and it weighed upon her so much that she again sat and thought:

    " Culture, they assume, is independent from and superior to this primal life-force; culture, in actuality, is driven by this life-force and adapted primarily to the purpose of directing its limited expression. Society and the social self erect grand facades designed to shield their eyes from the source of their own existence.

    I am living *life*, instead of living culture or abstraction. I have bypassed my humanity and experienced the world through the eyes of something much more deeply alive.
    "

    And so she went out and killed and ate her best friend, using no weapons but her third eye and a sharpened goat's horn. And what ecstasy she felt.

    She thought 'good and bad are cannibalistic, and if I am to equal and oppose them, surely I must be cannibalistic as well'.

    Then she thought 'good and happy and white is a pattern, a fixation of the flow of this great life-force, solidified so that those who chase after it have a structure and a solidity to hold on to'. 'If they did not have a good harbor, the leaping, laughing, ecstatic frenzy and chaos would tear their little personalities apart'.

    And so Ly, rejecting any good, was torn apart, and she became Lya.

    And she lied thus. By this lie she finally killed good and bad, the dual language in which little personality is written:

    Lyra then spoke to herself, secretly: I have made what good-followers think is bad divine. I have made both sides of the cycle divine, and the cycle has thus ceased. I cannot fall into badness or little-depressions or anxieties, because I cannot fall at all. All is divinity, and I am a shark in sea whose name is PAN, swerving her pleasure-predatory head from left to right, finding not good or bad but MULTITUDE AND SELF-SAME, without need of valuation or juxtaposition. I have destroyed duality by affirming all, and now I may see anew with the eyes of a triangle.

    [​IMG]


    [​IMG]

    Part 4


    Lyra played after that. She had lost should and good, and in their place found monsters and great heavenly beasts unknown withing good-built worlds. She grew distant from her humanity, busy as she was with quests and games unknown to those of human tongues. She learned to mask herself with human intent, and saw how she could, in this way, line up and knock over humans like dominos. All was ecstasy, so there was no deed below or above her, and no deadly game she would not play at, for play's sake.

    [​IMG]

    One day, after scaring a tepid group of good-blinded Wiccans, Lyra cut sat down in her cabin, cut herself, and wrote in blood:




    She had triumphed. Good and bad were her servants, and she filled her days with cosmic laughter and Dreccian games. She laughed as she looked down, with intense bloodshot eyes and manic grimace, at the page upon which her blood had been shaped into mocking words.

    She stood up, and turned.

    She caught her reflection in the mirror on the cottage-wall. She screamed.

    She ran out her house into the woods, frenziedly seeking a human. She found many people, but no humans anywhere. She screamed and screamed.

    Her lips don't move anymore, but she has never stopped screaming since, and has never seen a human being again.
     
    #13 Lyra, Mar 14, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 14, 2010
  14. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    My very quick, very terse two cents:

    1. Wean yourself from the harsher drugs, because they are preventing you from connecting with humanity and possibly reality.

    2. Seek professional help for what you're feeling. Seriously. It's dangerous to have psychopathic, or sociopathic feelings about humanity on the level you're talking about.
     
  15. NeverAmI

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    I swear my vocabulary grows exponentially with every post you make.

    I don't know that this directly applies to what you seek, but it is in my head, and so I will share it.

    On the personal level, I have found that no one truly encompasses this sociological perspective of life we seem to view every day. We only see the surface of a person, only what is presented to the outer world. What one chooses to present is based on a reactionary need and their own perspective of how to best react.

    When someone trusts me enough to give me that limited vision, that description, although we both know it can never be truly representative, I realize that no single person is life as it pertains to me. No single person makes the world, and so I hold no single person accountable for what I face, the trials and tribulations that score the scars on my face, on my being.

    I have found that I make my own life. I see what I insist I should see, because I lie to myself. I give myself meaning that is not fundamentally rational. I tear down my walls, give in to my fear, and I stare at what lies beyond.

    I stare into nothingness.
     
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  16. OP
    Lyra

    Lyra Guest

    Dangerous? Why should I mind that? Better dangerous than tepid, better dangerous than tame, better dangerous than what our impotent societies call 'sane'.

    Why at all anything? The wonders I have seen along this deadly path have been worth enough that I gladly pay the price of my 'sanity' for them. Where you see 'sanity', I see giants hunching themselves over into pigmy-shapes, and diagnosing other giants who stand up tall as 'sick'. I would rather die than be 'sane'.

    I haven't taken drugs for 6 months. Although, I stopped taking them because they sobered me up. I trip harder on my own brain than on LSD-- it just obfuscates.
     
    #16 Lyra, Mar 14, 2010
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  17. Raccoon Love

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    Regardless of what you might perceive as sane, it has been demonstrated and proven that the effects of certain drugs ( LSD included) can have a detrimental effect towards your health and safety and perhaps it is the source of the way you might be currently feeling, even if you deny the effects of the drug on you, certainly this drugs make you blind and what you consider normal might no longer be positive. I am not saying to follow society's expectations of what might be consider ''sane'' but when you take certain drugs which have been scientifically demonstrated to be a danger to you, then something is up. Perhaps the effects of this drugs are now manifesting? I do not know, I just know that this sort of drugs mess with the chemistry of the mind.
     
  18. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    Granted, the "man" and society has their place - and sometimes they do need to wake up. But when we see society as less than ourselves, or less than human, then what gives us the right to proclaim them so? Doing so puts us in the position of god over them, and then we decide that we can judge them as "good" or "evil" based on our own standards.

    Mind you, we judge circumstances all the time. But when we judge humanity on whether they're worthy of life when they're walking all around us, or if they're all horrific, then that's a line we should not cross, IMO.

    All I'm saying is, sometimes it's good to be careful.
     
  19. OP
    Lyra

    Lyra Guest

    arbygil, perhaps it would be worth reading the long post. There's not much point in me replying, given that my reply is already implicit in that.

    Anyway, a song to accompany it:

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdWMH1XGX30"]YouTube- World's End Girlfriend - Birthday Resistance[/ame]
     
  20. IndigoSensor

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    You're not looking at the other side of things, and I don't think you want to.

    If you refuse to do so then there is nothing to discuss. What arbygil has said is honest. You are not on a safe path. If you fail to see this then I have no sympathy what so ever. We are trying to give you helpful advice, but you choose to label us as not understanding.
     
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