Should I stay or should I go; girlfriend wise.

Reon

Reon

Midnight's Garden
MBTI
Questioning?
Enneagram
5w6
Well, I have a relationship problem. I've been dating my girlfriend for about 3 or 4 months but we've known each other for at least a year now. To make a long story short, we started to date a month before college ended and we've been doing the long distance thing. I am, now, in the same city as me and she can actually visit me and that's all well and good but I've been thinking about breaking up with her and I'm not sure if I'm just not...aware of the way the world really works or if I have a legitimate reason.

I want to break up with her, mostly and perhaps shallowly, for the fact that she does not want to be in a "relationship" (committed relationship). I understand her two main reasons are the fact that some of her family is racist, and she cares about them a great deal, and, in her words, she doesn't want to be tied down. She sent me a text message stating that she wants to "be as free in as many ways for as long as possible". She thinking about possibly going to med school. I refuse to "wait".

On one hand, I feel that I'm not worth it for obvious reasons. She takes relationships as serious as I do and she also realizes that dating's end goal in both of our opinions is a relationship.

On the other hand, we act in a manner that a legitimate couple would. We're just missing the label. And we're both in college, this is the age where you DO date around. But we don't. Because we don't want to date anyone else. In that sense, we are committed.

I don't know. Part of me wants to believe that she's that important to me that I would wait for her to be ready for a relationship. On the other hand, there's a part of me that believes that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me ever.

I'm going to talk to her because it needs to be addressed, I was actually going to break up with her today, the first day I've seen her in months, and I realized how much I missed her and how happy I am with her (and she had work).

So, in other words, fuck me.
 
Some members of my extended family are racist, too.
You know what I would do if they gave me crap for dating someone of another ethnicity? I'd tell them to eff off and get over themselves.

And I also love my family to pieces, but some things are just inexcusably wrong.. some opinions are not worthy of any respect at all, and being a racist is one of them.

Breaking up is never easy... There are always initial doubts.. I've never broken up with someone and not missed them. I don't think it's any easier to dump someone than it is to be dumped. Those emotional attachments don't just sever in a few days.
Aside from all of that, it sounds like you both really want different things. Trust your head and not your heart here.

Be brave! Don't settle!
 
Last edited:
Reon said:
Well, I have a relationship problem. I've been dating my girlfriend for about 3 or 4 months but we've known each other for at least a year now. To make a long story short, we started to date a month before college ended and we've been doing the long distance thing. I am, now, in the same city as me and she can actually visit me and that's all well and good but I've been thinking about breaking up with her and I'm not sure if I'm just not...aware of the way the world really works or if I have a legitimate reason.

I want to break up with her, mostly and perhaps shallowly, for the fact that she does not want to be in a "relationship" (committed relationship). I understand her two main reasons are the fact that some of her family is racist, and she cares about them a great deal, and, in her words, she doesn't want to be tied down. She sent me a text message stating that she wants to "be as free in as many ways for as long as possible". She thinking about possibly going to med school. I refuse to "wait".

On one hand, I feel that I'm not worth it for obvious reasons. She takes relationships as serious as I do and she also realizes that dating's end goal in both of our opinions is a relationship.

On the other hand, we act in a manner that a legitimate couple would. We're just missing the label. And we're both in college, this is the age where you DO date around. But we don't. Because we don't want to date anyone else. In that sense, we are committed.

I don't know. Part of me wants to believe that she's that important to me that I would wait for her to be ready for a relationship. On the other hand, there's a part of me that believes that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me ever.

I'm going to talk to her because it needs to be addressed, I was actually going to break up with her today, the first day I've seen her in months, and I realized how much I missed her and how happy I am with her (and she had work).

So, in other words, fuck me.
Click to expand...

From what you have said, it does sound to me like you've made up your mind and think it would be best to break up with her. You are second guessing yourself and that's the conflict of the situation...you WANT to break up, but should you really?

I think that you need to asses what break up means to you. Cause it almost sort of sounds like if I'm getting this right, she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship now but does later and wants you to wait for her, meaning not to date other people. Well then if you don't want to do that it makes sense to break up.

I don't understand your conflicted opinions entirely because on one hand you're saying you want to break up with her but on the other hand you don't want to be with anyone else. So...do you just want to be single for a while? I see no reason why you couldn't be single until she gets done doing what she's doing and then wants to date you again. Or you could just, break up and date other people. I personally don't think staying with her is the best idea simply because it sounds like you don't want to...but if you change your mind and decide that there are valid reasons to stick with her than that's fine and dandy too...it just sounds like you dont want to.
 
Reon said:
I want to break up with her, mostly and perhaps shallowly, for the fact that she does not want to be in a "relationship" (committed relationship). I understand her two main reasons are the fact that some of her family is racist, and she cares about them a great deal, and, in her words, she doesn't want to be tied down. She sent me a text message stating that she wants to "be as free in as many ways for as long as possible". She thinking about possibly going to med school. I refuse to "wait".
Click to expand...

Doesn't sound like she's taking the relationship as seriously as you think she is. I would break up with her now, before the roles are reversed and you find yourself a miserable wreck when she breaks up with you later.
 
Maybe both of you should take a break and see how that works for both of you, after you speak to her of course. You can still have feelings for her and not be in a relationship right now because both of you are not ready for a complete committment. And that's ok. Feelings alone do not determine whether two people should be together. If she needs to figure out her career path, then maybe it's best thing to not be together right now. You can just remain friends. No rush.
 
Last edited:
Go, why waste your time with someone who is unwilling when you can find someone on the same level as you? Shes not worth it.
 
Darn, I have to agree with [MENTION=1451]Billy[/MENTION] It sounds like you are romanticizing what "could be" versus "what is". I don't understand why you are saying you are wanting to "break up" with her, sounds like she made it clear that she didn't want to be committed and you didn't/refused to hear her words. I would suggest opening yourself up to the possibilities of other women in your life. Everyone deserves to be with someone who wants to be with them wholeheartedly.
 
@Reon
so you're not exclusive. continue having fun with her (you guys are having fun right?) and date other people till you find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you (or until satisfied).
 
Last edited:
Sonya said:
Darn, I have to agree with [MENTION=1451]Billy[/MENTION] It sounds like you are romanticizing what "could be" versus "what is". I don't understand why you are saying you are wanting to "break up" with her, sounds like she made it clear that she didn't want to be committed and you didn't/refused to hear her words. I would suggest opening yourself up to the possibilities of other women in your life. Everyone deserves to be with someone who wants to be with them wholeheartedly.
Click to expand...

Quoted for truth. You sound pretty decided on breaking up with her. I know it's hard to actually make that decision, but you deserve someone who wants you as much as you want her. It's clearly not this girl (at least, that's the way it seems from what you've said).
 
Honestly, you should let it go.

You two seem like you are diverging from that arena
 
Ah, thank you everyone for the replies. I guess my real question, albeit posted in a very surreptitious manner, is that are my standards excessive? I'm a college kid who, in four monthsof dating (both long distance and not) is expecting commitment from someone with stated issues with commitment (to put it into other terms, I watched her last relationship crash and burn from her boyfriend side at the time)

[MENTION=528]slant[/MENTION]: I suppose it doesn't make sense. I don't want to date anyone else right now but I also understand that by dating someone I lose out on some opportunities to meet others if that helps.

[MENTION=3096]Sonya[/MENTION]: I honestly have to admit I made a mistake. I pretty much just made the assumption that when I asked her about being in a relationship with me and she declined for above stated reasons, it was just to soon after her previous breakup and she was still scared of committement. I expected her to get over it. I realize that's the completely wrong mentality to have but even still, at THAT time, it was worth it. I had no other interesting prospects.
 
Reon said:
Ah, thank you everyone for the replies. I guess my real question, albeit posted in a very surreptitious manner, is that are my standards excessive? I'm a college kid who...... is expecting commitment from someone with stated issues with commitment
Click to expand...
No. Just sounds like the wrong time and/or person.
 
I'd bail before I get over-involved.

She sounds like a heart-breaker - so why set yourself up for that?
 
Reon said:
Well, I have a relationship problem. I've been dating my girlfriend for about 3 or 4 months but we've known each other for at least a year now. To make a long story short, we started to date a month before college ended and we've been doing the long distance thing. I am, now, in the same city as me and she can actually visit me and that's all well and good but I've been thinking about breaking up with her and I'm not sure if I'm just not...aware of the way the world really works or if I have a legitimate reason.
Click to expand...

Might need to consider it.

I want to break up with her, mostly and perhaps shallowly, for the fact that she does not want to be in a "relationship" (committed relationship). I understand her two main reasons are the fact that some of her family is racist, and she cares about them a great deal, and, in her words, she doesn't want to be tied down. She sent me a text message stating that she wants to "be as free in as many ways for as long as possible". She thinking about possibly going to med school. I refuse to "wait".
Click to expand...

Makes sense.

On one hand, I feel that I'm not worth it for obvious reasons. She takes relationships as serious as I do and she also realizes that dating's end goal in both of our opinions is a relationship.
Click to expand...

While it seems good, it also seems like there are some very different beliefs.

On the other hand, we act in a manner that a legitimate couple would. We're just missing the label. And we're both in college, this is the age where you DO date around. But we don't. Because we don't want to date anyone else. In that sense, we are committed.
Click to expand...

Does sound like you both are.

I don't know. Part of me wants to believe that she's that important to me that I would wait for her to be ready for a relationship. On the other hand, there's a part of me that believes that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me ever.
Click to expand...

It's most likely because she can't, and it may not work out so long as she lives with her family. Sorry about it.

I'm going to talk to her because it needs to be addressed, I was actually going to break up with her today, the first day I've seen her in months, and I realized how much I missed her and how happy I am with her (and she had work).
Click to expand...

I got that over my first girlfriend. It's pleasant and all, but seeing as you want more from the relationship and are unable to get it, you may need to part ways. It does sound like you both get along though, so if you could do with it as it is, then that should be alright. I'm no relationship guru.

So, in other words, fuck me.
Click to expand...

....Ill pass mate.

Hope that helps.
 
Reon said:
Ah, thank you everyone for the replies. I guess my real question, albeit posted in a very surreptitious manner, is that are my standards excessive? I'm a college kid who, in four monthsof dating (both long distance and not) is expecting commitment from someone with stated issues with commitment (to put it into other terms, I watched her last relationship crash and burn from her boyfriend side at the time)
Click to expand...

Simple fact is, she won't change. You're expecting something from someone who can't give it. It's your life, do you want to be happy or do you just want to make her happy and end up miserable?

I don't care how selfish it sounds. Both people are supposed to benefit in a healthy relationship, not just one.
 
Everyone's said most everything that needed to be said, but I'll add one more thing: If she's not ready to give up her racist family for you, then she's not ready for a relationship - and you need to tell her that. You also need to break up with her before you're too emotionally invested.

I was in a similar situation, and it really, really hurt because I'd waited too long (and I was already too connected to him).

For your own piece of mind and wellness, put all your cards on the table and see if she's mature enough to take that plunge with you. If not, she may never be mature enough and you need to let her go.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top