Self Control

I am likely to describe this badly, but I will try.

1. I master my passions, by putting all I have into them. My most intense passion is chemistry. I work on it, is to put as much energy as I can into learning about chemistry, and I expect nothing less of myself but to just try. I have learned by setting lofty ideals for myself, I created unneeded stress on myself. God forbid I don't meet them, I feel crushed. So I work on learning and trying, for just the sake of. As far as my desires, many of them can't be met (because they are of a fantasy/fictional nature), but I have come to terms with that long ago and doesn't bother me. For the ones I can work at, I set a long term goal, and make all the small steps in between to work towards that goal. It is diffucalt for me to not focus on the big picture. I have learned though that when I am forced to work so hard on something, I invariably lose sight of my long term goals, and can only focus on the short term. At that point my goals are met and I suceed quite well. The problem is, I have yet to be able to get in that mind-set at will.

2. This one is odd. It sort of just... happens on it's own. If I try to make habbits that I need, they don't work right. They feel forced, fake, and wrong. This is one reason why I don't use planners. They just don't work for me. I feel like it is forced, and just doesn't work for me. I usually just rely on memory, and if I really need to remember something I text my email to remind me, or toss a random object in the middle of the floor (which later triggers a memory response). I have all my stuff together, and forget things quite infrequently. I didn't make this habit, it sort of just morphed out on it's own, and completly works for me (much to the dismay and protest of my father :tongue1. All habits that I need sort of arise in this manner, I make them on a subconsious level, over time. Never do I make them out of will.

3. Haha, that makes me laugh. I honestly need to tone down my self-awareness. It causes me quite alot of problems and limitations. I question my motives, reasons, and ideas too much. This causes over thinking, over forcasting/predicting, and as such limits social interactions, and causes unneeded stress. However, there are times where I look back on an action or event and say to myself "god, I wasn't thinking was I?" and proceed to yell at myself at it (which can cause sadness), and make a point to pay attention in that type of event more often.

 

Time and life experience, for me.

I spent my youth and early adulthood as a very sensitive, impassioned person (reacting to my natural inclinations). I acted impulsively on my desires, whether positive or negative, without much thought of the consequences to myself or others. My self-awareness was limited to my own spontaneous feelings and perceived needs for the most part (rather than cause-and-effect). I was capable of empathy, but I was driven towards expression at the expense of empathy.

Because I was also quite troubled, and felt separate from society, this behavior led me to a state of further separation, alienation of my friends and much of my family, and made it difficult for me to work and adequately take care of myself (pay rent, live in a decent area, eat well, etc.). Despite being an introvert, this is a very difficult way to live.

I began to question whether giving in to my passionate nature and "being myself" at all times and at all costs would ever lead me to the state of peace and contentment and self-worth I had begun to long for, after 25 or so years of impulse and strife. I concluded it would not, and that was the birth of my self-control.

I began to rebuild myself into the person I wanted to be, turning the passion inward toward determination and discipline, using my racing mind to examine and explore in a more functional rather than the erratic creative way which was my nature. One at a time I began to master the things that my passion had allowed to mutate into obstacles to a more peaceful life i.e. grasping at intense wants without considering my actual needs, impulsive expression of my own thoughts and beliefs regardless of who they might injure or offend, choosing to be less "exciting" and more "dependable", evading responsibility and the lies that frequently accompany such evasion. Closely examining each justification and denial.

It took about 2 years (age 25 to age 27) before this self-control became habitual and I began to see changes in all aspects of my life, and while not perfect, I found I was far more comfortable in a world without the degree of chaos and uncertainty my prior lack of self-control had created.

To sum up, I examined all the aspects of myself/my behavior that routinely brought pain, anguish and conflict into my life until I understood what it was I was doing (keeping a journal, making lists of my perceived pros and cons, asking for honest assessment from the trusted family and friends I hadn't managed to alienate) and one bad habit at a time, I doggedly reversed them.

It's an ongoing process.

 

How do you master your passions and desires?
If I perceive that it's a postivie or helpful passion/desire, I either leave it be or encourage it - by acting on it, dwelling on it, pouring my heart into it in some way. If I perceive that it's negative or unhelpful, I ask why I'm passionate about whatever, or why I have this desire. I dig to the core of it. Then I redirect it. Find a positive or helpful outlet for the core feeling. (Ideally I do that. In actual practice I'm still just beginning to do this.)

How do you initiate the habits you need in your life?
I live without that habit, or with the wrong habit, for a period of time. I observe what it does, how it affects me. I mentally construct a new habit, predict how it will affect me. If it's the outcome I want, I focus on it, imagine it in detail, and it becomes something I want. Then I remind myself that to actually get there I have to choose new actions. It's much easier to make a new habit once this ground work is laid.

How do you improve upon your self awareness?
Interesting question. I've never consciously tried to do this, but I often dig into attitudes, emotions, passions, etc and look underneath to see why they are there, where they came from, etc. I think this helps develop my self awareness.

EDIT: All these thought-provoking questions of yours lately Satya. Are you writing a book?

 

If anyone is interested, a book I found very helpful in ramping up my self control, instilling good habits and breaking bad habits was "Co-dependent No More" by Melanie Beattie. Despite the title, there's a lot to be gleaned from the underlying message in this book than meets the eye. Even the act of recognizing how so much of our life is enslaved by our own habits (many of which we no longer have use for) was very enlightening to me.

It's a short, succinct book, and can be read very quickly. I referred back to it often when I decided I needed a major change in my life.

 

ZenCat, is that book just for married people? I'm single, but I'm thinking I might be codependent anyway.

 

Absolutely not. It was recommended to me for it's discussion of habits... breaking old, ingrained ones (that we may not even be conscious of as habits) and visualizing/instituting new ones. I wasn't married when I read it (I was in fact divorced for 3 years, and it was 10 years before I met my current husband).

Despite the fact that I related to the fact that codependency is often a side effect of living in (whether as a child, spouse, etc.) a family with addiction issues - which is the target audience of the book, the whole Habit discussion was the most enlightening thing about the book, for me.

 

Lessee...I start with self-awareness. If I know what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling that way, I can start working with how to prevent or remedy that feeling. Also, I'll be perfectly honest: I take pride in self-control. It's something that I have complete power over, and if I have control over myself I have control of my life. That's a lot of motivation.

I master my passions by balancing idealism with realism. I never stop dreaming, but I always see how my dreams can be integrated with the real world -- if I understand that it is foolish, then I never put more into it than necessary. I humor myself, but I keep an open and honest understanding that it is not realistic.

I initiate my habits through pride, really, and through understanding that in order to be where I want to be ideally, I need to take some uncomfortable steps realistically. It's not a lot of fun, and sometimes I'm not as efficient as I could be, but I do it, especially if I know it's for my own good and for an end I really desire.

I improve on self awareness....by....I dunno. I'm kind of morbid, but I've come to terms with that, so I'm perfectly fine with confronting my flaws (sometimes too much, and I have to check myself to make sure I'm not being self-destructive). I ask other people's opinions, I think a lot over it, and I constantly check myself. It's become natural after a while -- I don't really notice I'm doing it until I reach a wall and don't understand something about myself, at which point I have to grind through the steps manually with extra meditation.

 

If you want to improve upon yourself and life habits read "The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self Confidence" by Dr. Robert Anthony. It's an amazing book that will definitely help anyone get to where they want to be in life.

 

For all these I practice self-hypnotism. I can be very highly strung and get stressed about a lot of things in life. Hypnotism helps me to be calm and to relax my mind so that unproductive thoughts do not run around it in loops. They also help to generate positivity and an efficient attitude and I get a lot more done with these kinds of thought processes. It does wonders for your confidence as well. As a naturally shy person I have always been terrified of meeting new people but using hypno I start a new course and a new workplace in the same week and made friends immediately. I would seriously recommend to anyone, it is a great technique.

 

Cool. I was looking at the intro to it, and it seemed to focus on married couples. Thanks for the info!