Self Compassion

[iworkforcookies]

So I'm seeing a psychologist for various reasons and I'm just realizing that I have issues with self compassion. He tells me to be gentle with myself and practice compassion for oneself when times are tough. I'm still having a hard time understanding self compassion because I sort of feel like I have to deserve it, like it's a special treatment. I mean we wake up in the morning and we're breathing and living and going about our days, isn't that compassionate enough? I guess I'm taking care of myself like everyone else so how come I deserve more from myself when I might be undeserving?

For example my bestfriend hasn't contacted me in awhile even though I've contacted her. I'm really mad at her because I thought she would check up on me at least once in 5 weeks! Plus I've been depressed lately and it hurts to know that she is not here for me. I know she's busy, but I thought I deserved just a little more. But at the same time I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to. Perhaps hanging out with me is more like a chore or maybe her work really is too crazy to make time for me. Maybe she's dealing with stress as well and why haven't I tried harder to check up on her or initiate again to hang out?

How should I go about self compassion in this scenario?
Does anyone else have issues with self compassion? Or anyone care to discuss the topic? Thanks.

 

[this is only temporary]

Hi, I didn't write this quote below but I think it has a lot to do with self-compassion.

5 weeks is a long time, but you will know better what is really going on if you call her up, say "Hello, I've missed you, what's up?" and then instead of worrying about it, and thinking maybe this, maybe that, maybe something else, she will tell you and you will know. She may be feeling just like you are! No need to make a big fuss about it.

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.
4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.
11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”
17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.
24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.
27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about

what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

 

[JGirl]

So I'm seeing a psychologist for various reasons and I'm just realizing that I have issues with self compassion. He tells me to be gentle with myself and practice compassion for oneself when times are tough. I'm still having a hard time understanding self compassion because I sort of feel like I have to deserve it, like it's a special treatment. I mean we wake up in the morning and we're breathing and living and going about our days, isn't that compassionate enough? I guess I'm taking care of myself like everyone else so how come I deserve more from myself when I might be undeserving?

For example my bestfriend hasn't contacted me in awhile even though I've contacted her. I'm really mad at her because I thought she would check up on me at least once in 5 weeks! Plus I've been depressed lately and it hurts to know that she is not here for me. I know she's busy, but I thought I deserved just a little more. But at the same time I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to. Perhaps hanging out with me is more like a chore or maybe her work really is too crazy to make time for me. Maybe she's dealing with stress as well and why haven't I tried harder to check up on her or initiate again to hang out?

How should I go about self compassion in this scenario?
Does anyone else have issues with self compassion? Or anyone care to discuss the topic? Thanks.

i'm confused.
you don't feel you are worthy of self-compassion but you get upset when your best friend does not automatically show you compassion when and how you feel she should.
love yourself as you want others to love you. sounds simplistic, and it really isn't, but it's do-able. give yourself a break.

 

[MisterNi]

So I'm seeing a psychologist for various reasons and I'm just realizing that I have issues with self compassion. He tells me to be gentle with myself and practice compassion for oneself when times are tough. I'm still having a hard time understanding self compassion because I sort of feel like I have to deserve it, like it's a special treatment. I mean we wake up in the morning and we're breathing and living and going about our days, isn't that compassionate enough? I guess I'm taking care of myself like everyone else so how come I deserve more from myself when I might be undeserving?

For example my bestfriend hasn't contacted me in awhile even though I've contacted her. I'm really mad at her because I thought she would check up on me at least once in 5 weeks! Plus I've been depressed lately and it hurts to know that she is not here for me. I know she's busy, but I thought I deserved just a little more. But at the same time I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to. Perhaps hanging out with me is more like a chore or maybe her work really is too crazy to make time for me. Maybe she's dealing with stress as well and why haven't I tried harder to check up on her or initiate again to hang out?

How should I go about self compassion in this scenario?
Does anyone else have issues with self compassion? Or anyone care to discuss the topic? Thanks.

Do you feel it's your fault she's not contacting you back? Also, have you tried contacting her since your initial contact with her 5 weeks ago? Because it sounds like you're overthinking it and that's caused you to paralyze yourself into inaction. Also, you know she's busy so do you know when she won't be busy anymore? There's a lot left unsaid here.

 

[grt$5vb]

I am dealing with these exact scenarios. People don't perceive things the way we do. If you want to talk to her, call her, and try to let the resentment dissipate. It is also essential that you express your feelings to her about her absence, and let her know what you need from the friendship, while also listening to her concerns, and feelings. Hopefully there will be mutual compromise. If you wait someone out, most times you spend a huge chunk of time just waiting. People sometimes need a nudge, instead of us just waiting to see if they'll fail us. Don't cheat yourself and sabotage your friendship.

Also, is it possible, due to depression, you have been mostly negative the last few times she spoke with you? She may need some time away from that energy, and not know how to help you. Just an assumption on my part, though.

 

[MisterNi]

I am dealing with these exact scenarios. People don't perceive things the way we do. If you want to talk to her, call her, and try to let the resentment dissipate. It is also essential that you express your feelings to her about her absence, and let her know what you need from the friendship, while also listening to her concerns, and feelings. Hopefully there will be mutual compromise. If you wait someone out, most times you spend a huge chunk of time just waiting. People sometimes need a nudge, instead of us just waiting to see if they'll fail us. Don't cheat yourself and sabotage your friendship.

Also, is it possible, due to depression, you have been mostly negative the last few times she spoke with you? She may need some time away from that energy, and not know how to help you. just an assumption on my part, though.

Oh good, I'm not the only one going through this same horrid situation. Yeah, the OP really needs to say more because for all everyone knows, he called her once five weeks ago and never called again. Also, it sounds more like she's just avoiding him than anything else.

 

[iworkforcookies]

Oh good, I'm not the only one going through this same horrid situation. Yeah, the OP really needs to say more because for all everyone knows, he called her once five weeks ago and never called again. Also, it sounds more like she's just avoiding him than anything else.

I definitely tried a few times to contact my friend and even saw her in person at a school event, I'm not the type of person to expect ppl to do anything for me or initiate before I do. I'm also probably one of the few friends of her that understands and gives her space when she's busy. We had planned on meeting up after seeing her at the event and it turns out she was busy the day of and then we never rescheduled. After that I stopped trying because I didn't feel like I want to anymore especially because I barely had energy to get through my day. I don't feel like it's my fault that she hasn't contacted me, but I've always told her that I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to especially if she is so busy. So maybe a part of my thinks it's ok that she hasn't contacted me? I don't know..

I'm in college btw and a new quarter is about to start, I was thinking of planning something with her again because I don't feel as rotten anymore. I don't like to hold on to negative things and hold myself back. It's a good idea right?

 

[MisterNi]

I'm in college btw and a new quarter is about to start, I was thinking of planning something with her again because I don't feel as rotten anymore. I don't like to hold on to negative things and hold myself back. It's a good idea right?

Well, if you don't feel rotten about it anymore then only you can really answer whether that's a good idea or not.

 

[iworkforcookies]

I am dealing with these exact scenarios. People don't perceive things the way we do. If you want to talk to her, call her, and try to let the resentment dissipate. It is also essential that you express your feelings to her about her absence, and let her know what you need from the friendship, while also listening to her concerns, and feelings. Hopefully there will be mutual compromise. If you wait someone out, most times you spend a huge chunk of time just waiting. People sometimes need a nudge, instead of us just waiting to see if they'll fail us. Don't cheat yourself and sabotage your friendship.

Also, is it possible, due to depression, you have been mostly negative the last few times she spoke with you? She may need some time away from that energy, and not know how to help you. Just an assumption on my part, though.

Thank you, that is really good advice and hopefully I did not choose a bad friend. I never considered that she doesn't want to be around my sad energy. It is very possible, but I just thought she would be a little more considerate. I will have to see what she says and let go of my resentment because I know she would never hurt me on purpose. thx.

 

[grt$5vb]

Thank you, that is really good advice and hopefully I did not choose a bad friend. I never considered that she doesn't want to be around my sad energy. It is very possible, but I just thought she would be a little more considerate. I will have to see what she says and let go of my resentment because I know she would never hurt me on purpose. thx.

I would not label her a bad friend. She may not know how to handle this situation, and just be avoiding the bad feelings. She may feel guilty for being happy around you, or any number of things, but you never know till you ask, and let her explain herself.

 

[knight in battle]

After that I stopped trying because I didn't feel like I want to anymore especially because I barely had energy to get through my day. I don't feel like it's my fault that she hasn't contacted me, but I've always told her that I don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to especially if she is so busy. So maybe a part of my thinks it's ok that she hasn't contacted me? I don't know..

I'm in college btw and a new quarter is about to start, I was thinking of planning something with her again because I don't feel as rotten anymore. I don't like to hold on to negative things and hold myself back. It's a good idea right?

It's good to let the stress sit a little. (Read The Awakened Heart: Opening Yourself to the Love You Need - ISBN 0060654732).

I've been in many situations in which I want to contact someone but I'm stressing over how and when to do it. I sit for a while, read, take walks, do something interesting, let it churn in my mind in the background, or write about it in a journal. Could it be that this is part of your natural process of handling situations? If so, maybe this isn't something to question in yourself.

Your mind and body are telling you something. What is it telling you? That you aren't quite ready to contact her again?... perhaps after a lack of desired response from her the last few times. You're exhausted, so you're taking a break to discuss it here on this thread. You decide to see a psychologist also. These sound like two very healthy options. It may make you uncomfortable and stressed, but maybe this is what you need, rather than trying to go out there and do something "significant". For you to get to your next action, it may mean to let it sit in your mind for a while, postpone contacting her for another 5 weeks, waiting for her to show signs of interest/readiness.

What steps do you feel ready to take right now?
What advice that you have heard here or elsewhere are you ready to implement?
If you could write her an email/text message, what would you say?

Maybe you need to rehearse and play with different ideas about how you would like to approach her the next time, even if things don't turn out the way you want. She's her own person, after all.

I know that I've always had a reason to wait and be "passive", even while I was probing other people or psychologists for answers. Is acting going to make things move along? Maybe. I weigh the possible risks and consequences of an proactive action. Sometimes, I find that I would rather be lonely and without this person for a while than to risk alienating or contacting them. Is this "okay"? It's okay for me. Usually, when I've decided not to reach out to someone temporarily or indefinitely, I later realize that I became more aware of who I am after allowing myself to procrastinate.

Think about it - If you've stopped reaching out to someone, is this your decision? Do you want to consider alternative actions? Yes. After considering alternatives, is it okay to stick to your original plan to wait it out? Is it okay to reach out and not care too much about the consequence? Who is making this decision? Answer: you are. What you think you want to do may not be what you want to do, because what you decide to do comes from who you are. What she decides to do comes from who she is.

Is it okay to wait it out and potentially create excessive distance from her? What do you choose to do? When do you choose to reach out to her again?

Read The Two Step: The Dance Towards Intimacy (ISBN - 0802130321).