Hi everyone,
I am new here. I found this platform because I was searching for some kind of help. I am going though one of the hardest situations of my life so far and am close to breaking from emotional exhaustion.
i recently found out that I was an INFJ. It was a wonderful day because this was the first time I felt understood and not alone. Before that I always felt line there was something wrong with me because I wa different than others.
Now I am dealing with the following situation:
I broke up with my boyfriend of over 4 years in September. I would have never thought that I would ever break up with someone but somehow I did. The issue was not that I didn’t love him. I do love him very much still and can put imagine not having him in my life anymore. He is my everything. But the problem was that for three years he is now trying to finish his degree at university. For three years he has been writing his masters paper and can’t finish it because he has panic attacks and depression standing in the way. He has promosed me for three years that he will finish and hand in his paper in two weeks/a month/after the holidays/2 months and so on. It was never true. I waited for three years being disappointed every two to four weeks because he again hadn’t finished it. Now why is it that important to me? The thing is that I want to get married, have kids and a safe and secure home. Kids and marriage are out of the question until he has finished his degree because I would be scared to end up with an unemployed partner and being responsible for all of our finances alone. He is 33 now, has never worked and on top of it all he’s getting his degree in a field that is not really asked for on the Labour market (biology). At least that’s true for Germany where we live. Graduates with great grades who finished in time have problems finding a job so even if he eventually graduates the possibilities for finding a job are slim to none.
So after being disappointed again for the 20th time I felt so helpless that I broke up with him.
He just moved in with me half a year ago which makes it so much harder.
He understands and even though I was angry at times I can’t blame him because he is sick and really suffers from depression and anxiety. But that doesn’t make it better. The opposite is true. It makes it so much harder because I do love him and because I care about him so deeply. He didn’t hurt me deliberately so how could I blame him?
I feel so guilty for leaving and so selfish. I feel like I left someone just because he was sick which is not his fault. How can I leave him when he’s depressed and cause him so much pain? The guilt and my remaining love are really killing me but I was so scared for my future that I didn’t see any other way. I need someone else’s perspective. Am I a jerk for leaving him? Was my reason valid or good enough or am I a selfish superficial person?
We are still living together clinging to the hope that he will finish his paper within a month so we can maybe try again. We both love each other and suffer a lot in this situation.
Unfortunately it gets even worse. After we broke up I met someone else. I was so drained from the emotional stress in my old relationship that it felt so good connecting with someone without being scared or sad all the time.
This new guy and I connected quickly. It was really weird. We had the same hobbies, interests, discovered that we grew up not far from each other in the same small town and knew a lot of the same people. He is amazing. I allowed the relationship to develop. I tried to stay out of my head and let it happen but now I regret it because now I am stuck. I told this new guy everything about my situation and I also was honest to my ex about meeting this new guy. I didn’t want to wait anymore for something that might never happen. I waited for three years and needed some perspective.
Now I am in love with this new guy but I still love my ex boyfriend. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I brought this situation upon myself where I have to hurt one of them. The new guy wants to be with me and is patiently waiting for my decision. My ex still has hope that he might graduate and that our relationship has still a chance. I am letting all of us hanging because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s right to do and I am incredibly scared of the consequences of my decision. What if I give my relationship with my ex a chance and end up with an unemployed depressed partner where I have to take care of him, potentially kids, finances and everything? I couldn’t handle that.
But what if I choose the new guy who I don’t know and trust that we’ll yet? What if he eventually leaves me (my ex would never leave me even when I am 80 years old, wrinkly and bed-bound) or starts treating me badly (he comes from an unstable home with divorced parents so the statistics imply that he might tolerate divorce and break ups more)?
whatever I do, I will be so scared of regretting my decision later and ending up with the wrong person.
And most importantly I don’t want to hurt either of them and I don’t want to be hated by either of them for not choosing them.
I am really close to breaking because there is no way out without a whole lot of hurt.
can anyone help or give me some advice please. Thank you!
I am new here. I found this platform because I was searching for some kind of help. I am going though one of the hardest situations of my life so far and am close to breaking from emotional exhaustion.
i recently found out that I was an INFJ. It was a wonderful day because this was the first time I felt understood and not alone. Before that I always felt line there was something wrong with me because I wa different than others.
Now I am dealing with the following situation:
I broke up with my boyfriend of over 4 years in September. I would have never thought that I would ever break up with someone but somehow I did. The issue was not that I didn’t love him. I do love him very much still and can put imagine not having him in my life anymore. He is my everything. But the problem was that for three years he is now trying to finish his degree at university. For three years he has been writing his masters paper and can’t finish it because he has panic attacks and depression standing in the way. He has promosed me for three years that he will finish and hand in his paper in two weeks/a month/after the holidays/2 months and so on. It was never true. I waited for three years being disappointed every two to four weeks because he again hadn’t finished it. Now why is it that important to me? The thing is that I want to get married, have kids and a safe and secure home. Kids and marriage are out of the question until he has finished his degree because I would be scared to end up with an unemployed partner and being responsible for all of our finances alone. He is 33 now, has never worked and on top of it all he’s getting his degree in a field that is not really asked for on the Labour market (biology). At least that’s true for Germany where we live. Graduates with great grades who finished in time have problems finding a job so even if he eventually graduates the possibilities for finding a job are slim to none.
So after being disappointed again for the 20th time I felt so helpless that I broke up with him.
He just moved in with me half a year ago which makes it so much harder.
He understands and even though I was angry at times I can’t blame him because he is sick and really suffers from depression and anxiety. But that doesn’t make it better. The opposite is true. It makes it so much harder because I do love him and because I care about him so deeply. He didn’t hurt me deliberately so how could I blame him?
I feel so guilty for leaving and so selfish. I feel like I left someone just because he was sick which is not his fault. How can I leave him when he’s depressed and cause him so much pain? The guilt and my remaining love are really killing me but I was so scared for my future that I didn’t see any other way. I need someone else’s perspective. Am I a jerk for leaving him? Was my reason valid or good enough or am I a selfish superficial person?
We are still living together clinging to the hope that he will finish his paper within a month so we can maybe try again. We both love each other and suffer a lot in this situation.
Unfortunately it gets even worse. After we broke up I met someone else. I was so drained from the emotional stress in my old relationship that it felt so good connecting with someone without being scared or sad all the time.
This new guy and I connected quickly. It was really weird. We had the same hobbies, interests, discovered that we grew up not far from each other in the same small town and knew a lot of the same people. He is amazing. I allowed the relationship to develop. I tried to stay out of my head and let it happen but now I regret it because now I am stuck. I told this new guy everything about my situation and I also was honest to my ex about meeting this new guy. I didn’t want to wait anymore for something that might never happen. I waited for three years and needed some perspective.
Now I am in love with this new guy but I still love my ex boyfriend. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I brought this situation upon myself where I have to hurt one of them. The new guy wants to be with me and is patiently waiting for my decision. My ex still has hope that he might graduate and that our relationship has still a chance. I am letting all of us hanging because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s right to do and I am incredibly scared of the consequences of my decision. What if I give my relationship with my ex a chance and end up with an unemployed depressed partner where I have to take care of him, potentially kids, finances and everything? I couldn’t handle that.
But what if I choose the new guy who I don’t know and trust that we’ll yet? What if he eventually leaves me (my ex would never leave me even when I am 80 years old, wrinkly and bed-bound) or starts treating me badly (he comes from an unstable home with divorced parents so the statistics imply that he might tolerate divorce and break ups more)?
whatever I do, I will be so scared of regretting my decision later and ending up with the wrong person.
And most importantly I don’t want to hurt either of them and I don’t want to be hated by either of them for not choosing them.
I am really close to breaking because there is no way out without a whole lot of hurt.
can anyone help or give me some advice please. Thank you!