Relationship mess - I need help! | INFJ Forum

Relationship mess - I need help!

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Carlotta, Dec 15, 2019.

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  1. Carlotta

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    Hi everyone,

    I am new here. I found this platform because I was searching for some kind of help. I am going though one of the hardest situations of my life so far and am close to breaking from emotional exhaustion.

    i recently found out that I was an INFJ. It was a wonderful day because this was the first time I felt understood and not alone. Before that I always felt line there was something wrong with me because I wa different than others.

    Now I am dealing with the following situation:
    I broke up with my boyfriend of over 4 years in September. I would have never thought that I would ever break up with someone but somehow I did. The issue was not that I didn’t love him. I do love him very much still and can put imagine not having him in my life anymore. He is my everything. But the problem was that for three years he is now trying to finish his degree at university. For three years he has been writing his masters paper and can’t finish it because he has panic attacks and depression standing in the way. He has promosed me for three years that he will finish and hand in his paper in two weeks/a month/after the holidays/2 months and so on. It was never true. I waited for three years being disappointed every two to four weeks because he again hadn’t finished it. Now why is it that important to me? The thing is that I want to get married, have kids and a safe and secure home. Kids and marriage are out of the question until he has finished his degree because I would be scared to end up with an unemployed partner and being responsible for all of our finances alone. He is 33 now, has never worked and on top of it all he’s getting his degree in a field that is not really asked for on the Labour market (biology). At least that’s true for Germany where we live. Graduates with great grades who finished in time have problems finding a job so even if he eventually graduates the possibilities for finding a job are slim to none.
    So after being disappointed again for the 20th time I felt so helpless that I broke up with him.
    He just moved in with me half a year ago which makes it so much harder.
    He understands and even though I was angry at times I can’t blame him because he is sick and really suffers from depression and anxiety. But that doesn’t make it better. The opposite is true. It makes it so much harder because I do love him and because I care about him so deeply. He didn’t hurt me deliberately so how could I blame him?

    I feel so guilty for leaving and so selfish. I feel like I left someone just because he was sick which is not his fault. How can I leave him when he’s depressed and cause him so much pain? The guilt and my remaining love are really killing me but I was so scared for my future that I didn’t see any other way. I need someone else’s perspective. Am I a jerk for leaving him? Was my reason valid or good enough or am I a selfish superficial person?

    We are still living together clinging to the hope that he will finish his paper within a month so we can maybe try again. We both love each other and suffer a lot in this situation.

    Unfortunately it gets even worse. After we broke up I met someone else. I was so drained from the emotional stress in my old relationship that it felt so good connecting with someone without being scared or sad all the time.
    This new guy and I connected quickly. It was really weird. We had the same hobbies, interests, discovered that we grew up not far from each other in the same small town and knew a lot of the same people. He is amazing. I allowed the relationship to develop. I tried to stay out of my head and let it happen but now I regret it because now I am stuck. I told this new guy everything about my situation and I also was honest to my ex about meeting this new guy. I didn’t want to wait anymore for something that might never happen. I waited for three years and needed some perspective.

    Now I am in love with this new guy but I still love my ex boyfriend. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I brought this situation upon myself where I have to hurt one of them. The new guy wants to be with me and is patiently waiting for my decision. My ex still has hope that he might graduate and that our relationship has still a chance. I am letting all of us hanging because I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s right to do and I am incredibly scared of the consequences of my decision. What if I give my relationship with my ex a chance and end up with an unemployed depressed partner where I have to take care of him, potentially kids, finances and everything? I couldn’t handle that.
    But what if I choose the new guy who I don’t know and trust that we’ll yet? What if he eventually leaves me (my ex would never leave me even when I am 80 years old, wrinkly and bed-bound) or starts treating me badly (he comes from an unstable home with divorced parents so the statistics imply that he might tolerate divorce and break ups more)?

    whatever I do, I will be so scared of regretting my decision later and ending up with the wrong person.

    And most importantly I don’t want to hurt either of them and I don’t want to be hated by either of them for not choosing them.

    I am really close to breaking because there is no way out without a whole lot of hurt.

    can anyone help or give me some advice please. Thank you!
     
  2. Hostarius

    Hostarius τέλος

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    Leave your ex, he deserves better.

    Yes, you're selfish.
     
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  3. Ren

    Ren Pin's android and co-founder of Stoic Café

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    Yes, I agree that leaving your ex would be the best decision. There is really no hope left for it at this point. It might hurt at first but if you care about him, be ready to cause some short-term hurt for longer-term happiness (for both himself and yourself).

    And sure, maybe give a chance to that new guy, it's normal to be a little reticent at first but if you get along so well it seems definitely worth a try. It will also help you 'bounce back' quicker form the final breakup with your ex. But yeah, you should break up with him... just being honest.
     
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  4. sassafras

    sassafras Oprah Wind Fury

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    I feel bad for your ex. It's not easy living with anxiety and depression, and living with a partner that resents you for not being able to get your shit together probably only makes it worse. All the same, maybe him losing you might get him motivated to get up and start living... though I'm not sure if you're really right for one another when all is said and done. I suppose only you and he can decide that. You have some conditions you want met before you start a family together and, sadly, depression/anxiety isn't something you just drop one day. The shame builds and compounds and depression/anxiety comes in ebbs and flows and it's something one must learn to manage because its not something that can be erased. And I think if you continue together, you're going to grow to resent him even more than you do and he clearly needs help and support.

    If love isn't enough to keep you together, you need to move on.
     
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  5. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David. . feel free to use it, I do
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    the heart wants what it wants. You have already moved on,and feeling guilty about it is just hurting you. Seems like you gave your ex time and opportunity to bring something to you that he knew you needed, and he couldn't, for whatever reason.
    So my $0.02?, move forward with what you really want and let the guilt go
     
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  6. Impact Character

    Impact Character But is it Lethani?

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    I'm really sorry for you and your ex. This sounds rather like a very challenging time. People can get worn out and seek something else along the way.. But it's also a decission after all.. I'm sorry for saying this but I don't think this will work out without hurting someone.

    Marriage is already a commitment before having children..
    If you cannot find it in you to go through thick and thin before that, there might be personal work ahead of you... Despite with whom you wish to share a lifetime..

    Anyhow, best wishes to you both....
     
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  7. dragulagu

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    Agreed with the others, leave your ex.
     
  8. Morticia D

    Morticia D Newbie

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    My partner (INFJ) and I (INFJ) both struggle with occasional anxiety, low mood, and some health problems. We have days when it is more trying, but the worst is mostly behind us and we are pretty comfortable with what we can and cannot do, and reasonably expect from each other.

    A long-term committed relationship is one of the biggest challenges a person will have. Over the years, no one stays the same. There may be times when one partner or the other will have to bear the major burden. So, it is never a good idea if one partner is left to bear the biggest burden from the get-go, and the other partner is greatly disabled by both emotional health and a career challenges. The only way a relationship like this can work is if two people can be open with each other in the case of the worst case scenario, and have actual back-up plans.

    If you cannot discuss such things with the person that you're with, it is guaranteed not to work. Eventually, you would become stressed out and resentful, especially if your help only enables him to stay stuck in whatever unhappy place he lands.

    There are times you need to use your intellect, especially when you already know a match will be bad. It's one thing to abandon someone just because they get sick, but it is another issue when enabling behavior keeps the person from actually dealing with their problems and achieve personal goals.

    Perhaps when this man has to face the fact thay he has work that only he can do, even getting treatment for anxiety, he will have no other choice but to pull himself together. He will not having the luxury of falling back on procrastination. Necessity will motivate him to make big changes for his own good.

    And you will have your own challenges. You need to find a way to communicate better if you want a certain kind of relationship. Partners are not supposed to live parallel lives. If you can't discuss things and make plans and compromises, that's pretty much what your life will be. You know how the western world is. While a man has a lot to gain, often without having to sacrifice his dreams. He will have the convenience of having another person doing a lot of the work at home that he often did by himself. While there are men who will stay with a partner who ages or becomes very sick, no one holds it against him for leaving a partner who cannot meet all of his needs. It is usually acceptable that he leave to be with a partner who is younger and more exciting.

    It is probably better that you do not drag out a relationship that is already not working. While pragmatism should be a part of how you decide, don't forget to put yourself into the other person's shoes either. There is nothing wrong with making some sacrifices but there is a point when doing things for the other person is not generous, it is emotionally crippling.
     
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  9. dragulagu

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    Ok, i'll be posting something from relationship psychology tomorrow on this specific topic. It seems to be a recurring issue...
     
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  10. Hostarius

    Hostarius τέλος

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    What topic, dragu?
     
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  11. dragulagu

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    Relationship and communication. You'll see (tomorrow), it's going to be a big post.
     
  12. dragulagu

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    Ok, I did some consideration on how to present the topic as @Morticia D already wonderful reply. So I will just propose the following book for anyone who is interested and leaving it to their own interpretation.

    *edit: decided to minimise the post to just a link to the book and the video below, there's no need to force an "ideal social model" on a relationship. Still recommending the book*

    https://www.amazon.com/dp/0996871802/?tag=infjsforums-21



    Hope this might by of any help.
     
    #12 dragulagu, Dec 16, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2019
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  13. slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    Take some time to figure out what you want.

    Maybe be single for a while.

    To me, it's striking that you're conflicted and looking for other people to be a tie breaker so to speak. You must have an inner voice. If your inner voice isn't telling you what to do, you've lost it and need to spend time finding it again. Maybe it would take time to contemplate it but the answer as what to do should be clear to you. If it's not...


    Worry.

    Figure out why you cant read your own wants and emotions. That's scary and a warning sign about all aspects of your life.
     
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  14. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David. . feel free to use it, I do
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    Sound advice. I have lived the pattern of one relationship ending as a new one began. No more. I wasn't learning anything, other than how to avoid the one thing I really needed to do, which was be myself. You forget yourself in time, and it will damage every relationship you enter into until you get a sense of and honor yourself
     
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  15. JustPhil

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    This is so true. Having been in a relationship that lasted over ten years with a partner that would barely communicate let alone share, it was very stressful and did cause me psychological problems. This was not the only thing, but it was a big factor in not being able to accept / deal / resolve them.

    Sometimes it is exactly these situations that make us see who we are, what we need to do, and even what mistakes we have made. It helps us grow, and I can say that being out of a relationship has been the greatest growth period in my life, including to "pull myself together".
     
  16. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    I don't think you know what you want in a man. Figure it out because you can't just jump out of relationships every time things get tough.

    Seriously, one of these days you're going to be old. You're not going to be able to just hop from guy to guy when feelings fade. Have you thought about that?


    Jesus Christ.
     
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  17. BlackHorse

    BlackHorse Regular Poster

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    @Carlotta My opinion is that if you fell in love with another guy it means you have ''subconsciously'' already moved on. Your heart was looking for a new guy. You and your ex went through a lot and I think it's time to move on. The only reason you wanna stay with your ex is guilt imo.
    As INFJs we often drain ourselves just to make someone happy or help someone. But you should know that you're a person too, and if you won't take care of yourself, who will?
     
  18. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David. . feel free to use it, I do
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    that is the true, true
     
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  19. larcipelago

    larcipelago Regular Poster

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    Hi there. I can sense the presence of INFJ mind just by quickly reading your story. I'd like to share my experience rather than giving you advises because I am as miserable as you are suffering from this personality. But please mind my English writing proficiency coz I am not a native speaker.

    "So after being disappointed again for the 20th time I felt so helpless that I broke up with him."

    (A typical INFJ: oh by the way you failed me xx times, xx years and you let me down every two weeks to never finish your paper)

    And a forward looking concerns
    "He is 33 now, has never worked and on top of it all he’s getting his degree in a field that is not really asked for on the Labour market (biology)."

    (Uups. When we look forward too much, we tend to believe on the unfulfilled propechy, rather than wait and observe. The impacts? We make JUDGEMENT and act. Sometimes we did regret it. Likely you may think repeatedly what other decisions you could've taken. Hehe)

    "Now I am in love with this new guy but I still love my ex boyfriend."

    (I dont think it is love my dear. It is the guilt feeling the keeps haunting you. You feel pity of him. You feel you have a bad morality, but who gives a sh** about morality when your beautiful mind combine all of those powerful intuition and feeling into a complex projection of how your life may end up with your ex bf? It is very natural an INFJ has an overwhelming projections)

    It is my turn to share my miserable life story. Again, I am not trying to advise, but you may learn from another INFJ a life-changing lessons. In short I live with my choices today and never regret (even though I do feel empty with regards to finding my love ones).

    Here is the story:
    I never understood the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator Socionics, before my ENTP friend guessed me I am an INFJ. At first, I didnt give a sh*t at all. But out of my curiousity I took the test. I took it when I am not drunk and drunk. I took it 4 times and it kept coming back with the same INFJ Advocate. Some said the test isn't 100% revealing your personality, but well. At least here I am following an INFJ forum.

    Why I felt so INFJ?

    Here is my story. I am just an average boy (not superhot but also not ugly either). I do like smart girl, forward looking, good looking enough to bring to meet your friends (just like any other boys).

    The story dated back to 2005 (I am now 39), when I met this smart student who were undertaking her study in Melbourne, Australia. She was a would be doctor. I can't really remember how I first asked her out, but I do remember her quote: "I know you are a heart breaker, I hope you are serious when you said you want me to be part of your life forever".

    Fast forward, I have been dating this girl, who is likely another introvert intuitive ones, but I don't know which type. Just like an INFJ I always make my time to "be there for her", until she became so dependent on me (like many other INFJs, I can feel that I am a mind bender, I am a good problem neutralizer and for sure a wise adviser -- I didn't know why I like hearing her stories for hours, when she threw all her problems at the medical school, annoying teachers, fellow classmates etc. I felt it all were beautiful stories and I even analyzed her stories bits by bits as it was not just because I wanted to give her the best advises, but because I even imagined a different world through her stories, which was beautiful). This affection towards my girlfriend became famous among our community. I was even dubbed "the most romantic boyfriend a girl would want to dream". I didn't give a sh*t to any of these, not even want to stare at any girls flirting at me for knowing my reputation. It was rather a burden (like any other INFJ I don't like being in the spotlight), BUT my girlfriend was proud of me, happy of me. That's all I cared about.

    She was a would be doctor, I was a would be journalist. We both have the same nationalities, studying abroad.

    She comes from a rich family, I came from a family of veteran journalist, who run out of money to pay my expensive tuition fees as an international student (I had to work many many jobs to cover my living expenses, part of my tuition). In short it didn't matter because all of our parents were far away. We were living in the Alice wonderland. A city full of gardens, diverse with culture and a Western country (I am from the East).

    At the end of her study (after 2.5 years of relations), she had to leave me before I finished my study. I cried at the airport, told her I love you and of course say "I won't date any other girl". I did fulfill my promises, even though I was surrounded by lovely friends, many of them are girls, it never crossed in my mind to cheat on my girlfriend. Short story, I had to leave Melbourne and come to my hometown. All my friends cried, they all said we'll miss you, I was sad too, but happy coz I will meet my lovely girlfriend.

    Back in my hometown, we continued our relationship. She had to take more studies as to becoming a doctor is tough in my country and undertake internships at various hospitals, including the busiest hospital in my country. I got a job, as a journalist and as always, I always "be there for her"

    Things turn bad when I felt I have less quality time with her (this is our demanding part). I started from a low paid journalist till I got hired by an international news agency, to allow me living a good standard (at least for a single boy like me that time). Everytime I asked, "honey, don't you think we spent less quality time nowadays? she always said, it's just your feeling, we always made it. Anyway, thank God we do still have time to meet. I am afraid in the future, I will get busier and busier (this is when my INFJ mind made a looong forward looking projections). Like any other INFJ, I fought with all the means so I could give her the best of me. Including taking into account for an effective meeting place. I rented a quite expensive flat so she can take a rest at my place whenever she felt she needed to. It didn't work. She came exhausted with her car (I didn't have a car that time) and spent a little time. I knew it wasn't because she didn't want to, but with all my intuitive and journalism skills, I could confirm that she was being overloaded.

    There was another sour part of the relationship. The parents. Haha. I came to visit her place and her parents didn't feel so excited about me. I could sense it (thank you for my INFJ mind). I could even remember "all the unfinished questions" about me and could JUDGE: they don't want me. But again, who cares? Coz we are INFJ (I didn't know who I was that time). I just felt, I am not a dumb ass, and I knew I worked harder than she was to earn my degree (coz I had to work). After all, I worked for Reuters news agency, not many young journalists were able to (thanks to my English).

    I didn't blame the parent thing, the less intense meeting, but it was this quote that blew me out. "Honey, let's say if one day, you became a busy beautiful looking doctor, and I am a journalist (she knew I was busy myself), would you still care for me?" An obvious answer: "Of course". Then I played a naughty question: "If you have to chose, me or your career, which one would you chose."

    Just like any other introvert intuitive, she explained me how she didn't want to become a poor doctor, then it means she had to undertake another study for a specialist. With worried face I ask: "Ok dear, for how many more years I should wait for you?" "Likely 5 years?" It was like a lighting storm struck into my INFJ mind. I did all that calculations faster than she blinked her eye for how miserable my life would be.

    And here we go (the By the Way Thing): "By the way honey, last time we met, we only ate in a restaurant and your cloth was smell of morgue, I didn't mind. By the way, last time I waited at the emergency room, waiting for you, looking at blood, sick people, some dying people, things that I hated, I didn't mind. I just wanted to marry you. I didn't mind if those are my future life, I just want you in my life."

    She started crying, saying her father would be mad if she just became a regular doctor and yes, she fully understood how painful I had lived and tried to ensure the relationship survive. She said "I want both". Then here we go my INFJ mind. "No way darling, there is a time when you have to stick on your decision. I offered a reasonable solution: "marry me and go on with your specialist, I don't mind. I am proud of you."

    Then another blow in my mind: "Sorry I can't do that." The question left my face puzzled, like I didn't believe what I heard. and here we go my INFJ mind: "If she offered no solutions, I can't live my another 5-years suffering. In fact, I did miss our romantic time in Melbourne. I missed her all the time."

    Then my dear INFJ fellows, I made a scary prophecy, anything, any bad possibilities (her parents won't approve me, I may screw up my career, I may fell into love with other girl) and did the famous INFJ (the SLOW SHUTTING DOOR). Dear my ex, if you read this, you may not now I am an INFJ. I felt all the pain I caused to you and live my guilt to this day, but dear ex, I never live in a regret even though guilt is haunting me.

    My wise likely INTP father spoke up. "My son, you are not my son, if you don't let her finish her bachelor degree (she was on her final year). Try again on her graduation. As a father, I don't want my baby girl screwed by any boy and she became a failed person for the rest of her life."

    I followed that advise. Pretending to keep the relationship with her, while slowly shutting down my door. It hurts so much, I could felt she cried several times missing my guardian angel, my wise advisor." I did what I projected worst. When I was in a f*ck up mind, a girl caught my distress, calm me down and I felt in love with her. She was not high for her social status (just an admin), but I deeply fell in love with her immediately. Short story, I managed to escort my ex into graduation (even I before that, I was there when she was diagnosed with tuberculosis. I felt sorry for her, I respected her for what she does, but she was not the same girl I loved. Damn INFJ mind!).

    At the end of the day I interviewed myself "would I chose a girl I love or a girl I respect? I chose a girl who I love).

    This is not the end of the story... My ex knew my relationship and I did what INFJ does the best: start throwing all her mistakes till the very foundation of her was shaken. I could felt it I was killing her from inside. I could felt all her pain, but I stayed numb and I didn't know why I stayed numb. She opened up and started fixing anything I pointed as a possible flaws in the future, including persuading her parents (I did went to her home again and was better welcomed, but you know an INFJ, I could smell fakeness!!). She begged me not to leave her and reminded me of my oath: "I knew you were a heart breaker, I didn't think you would do it to me! while crying). She came to my parent's home, persuading my parents. My mum, dad, with sad look told me: "This girl already know inside and outside you, why you rejected her?" I couldn't explain it was my INFJ mind that drove my decision. Nobody could explained even me, when I felt numb. I felt even worst: she became a total stranger. "Why I would marry a stranger?? I told myself."

    Then as I have projected, this ex thingy has a domino effect. My new gf became paranoid as if she stole me from my ex. I repeatedly told her it was not the case. At the end, I showed both "nobody showed anyone it's just I don't want my ex. Pullstop." I broke up with my new GF and lived in an emptiness of my feeling. I did love her, the new gf, but I can't live with a person who doesn't trust me. I simulated all the different scenarios what I could have done differently, but still it doesn't change the fact I care no more for my doctor girlfriend, not because of the scary life I projected, but because I just DON'T WANT her anymore (the full door closing).

    Short story, I met another girl, who was far far away from the social status of both my girlfriend. A strange chemistry runs into my tiny brains "I felt I knew her for long". Her look is OK (as I have some standards), but her social status is way beyond what I could introduce to my parents. But who gives a sh*t when you are an INFJ? This is my life! So after just a few months I married her. Just like many other strange stories about INFJ thinking of universe, spritual things etc (I am an agnostic near atheist), I could precisely predict of having two kids (one handsome boy and beautiful girl).

    My wife's character is hard to bend (we often fought till near divorce, or words divorce often came out of my mind), but again I have the strength of an INFJ that I know I have to make it right, for my kids. I love them unconditionally. They are my world, my dream even before they were born, I dreamt each of them meeting me (not precisely with regards to the look). Today, I live with no love of a woman if I may have to say, but I am thankful for the gift given to me. I may likely have conquer my wife (after several times I challenged her to find her own love ones, she kept coming back to me --I am not convinced it is me, my status, or my kids), but I have to live with no love.

    As an INFJ I hate all the fakeness, when you brought the family, everybody smile, I smiled my wife smiled, but till today, the lessons will continue, at least for me and I don't know where it will end. Plus, the guilt about my ex doctor is haunting me.

    PS: Ex doctor had married and had lovely kids. I don't bother to check but my sister told me :D. Another one also had married and had a pretty daughter.






     
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  20. Hostarius

    Hostarius τέλος

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    Nice scumbagging, my friend.

    Don't cheat, kiddies.
     
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