Relationship mess - I need help! | Page 5 | INFJ Forum

Relationship mess - I need help!

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Carlotta, Dec 15, 2019.

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  1. dragulagu

    dragulagu Galactic Explorer

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    Is this a situation you are in now or something?

    It takes time but you resolve that by asking the right questions during the conversation, I don't have the ultimate spidey feeling sense in human deciphering, but I usually can get a clue on their character by watching their eyes and minor gestures during the conversation. When I notice something spotty, I tend to go deeper into that specific topic. People rarely say the full truth during a first conversation, which is normal. The moment however when someone is bullshitting the talk for over 5 minutes is where I actively close off the conversation. They notice it because I tend to expressively show my annoyance.

    General rule: Never judge a book by its cover or after reading only the first pages. If it's a smutty book, burn it.

    It does lead you to danger, but in time it's that path that sets your safe boundaries. Only way to train that is by interacting over and over again. It's also the only way to learn to know when you got someone with a serious personality problem (sociopath / narc / psychopath) and to defend yourself from them. These fuckers are incredibly good in hiding their intentions but after a while you get a play on their motivations. Narcs / Sociopaths I can handle, stroke their egos and it's all good, Psychos however scare the shit out of me but I sense that in time.

    If it feels not right I wouldnt do it?

    I tend to leap a couple times between my intuition/feeling and my logical deduction, in the end: if it just doesn't feel right I won't do it.

    Instinct. And if you really want to confirm, grab your T friend/partner and ask him/her for a 2nd opinion. I do the same with my xNFx friends by asking how they feel about that person.

    +1, that's our Introverted Intuition, I have the same reactions just by having met so many people; you just get a certain roadmap on how people are motivated. It sounds nonchalant as fuck, but it's just the way Ni roadmapping works. We're not the only type that can do that.

    decision on a whim vs long term decisions. I already spammed the book everywhere in this forum but it covers these 2 distinctive types of decision making in a chapter.

    https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35011639-before-you-know-it
     
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  2. larcipelago

    larcipelago Community Member

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    I often do it.


    True. I do multiple fact checks if I really need to engage in long term.

    The problem about smutty book is: my intuition sometimes say: dont burn it yet. I feel there is something in there, may be in some pages inside there is a map that will guide you to find treasures? So I when I decide to keep it, I will open all pages even though it is costly and time consuming.

    I do give people a harder try than my T friends, coz I value intentions than the logic. (Good when I was a mentor, editor, but in business? There is no free lunch (I also hate this phrase).

    I.e. my T friend said: "that guy is just taking advantage of your kindness."

    Me: "One day we will need him/her. I think what he asked is normal. And also I see that it is a good thing if I planted good seed first. I dont care if he would repay or not."

    Friend: "Lift up your ego man, you are often being just too kind. I am worried you will get exhausted."

    Me: "From being a sympathetic person? Never. Also how many times did you use me to ask a favor from people who you dont like and you know they also dislike you? It is a safety net dude. You will never know. But yes, keep this good and bad cop thingy at play, that s OK. You have been a good devil's advocate so far. Thank you.

    (OR may be this is my INFJ brain: no friction the better, why count all the small favor? And Caring to others more and less caring to self is a noble thing? -- I hate cliche words btw).

    Friend: "I am just worried you overspend your time when we have other focus to do. You just cannot stop anytime you like to help people with flat tires on the side of a high way when you have a plane to catch."

    Me: "I know what I am doing"

    In many times the psychos know I am also a psycho. When a big cat meet another big cat, they tend to avoid on fighting, because the results would be deep scars and a quick match, unless it is about territorial pride.

    My problem is: it doesnt feel right, but when my logic persuades me: "What if that person was right? Would you dare taking the risk? Usually I will say. I will take the risk.

    OR

    "I know he/she overstated in here and there, but I still see a little potential. A little bit bluffing is OK, I can forgive that. I know the tit-for-tat for all of those. I know what is the prize I am after.

    Friend: Not worth it. People like that will give us a hard time.

    Me: If noone can unlock opportunity from the guy, then may be I would.

    Friend: Wasting time

    Me: How many times did we win projects coz I won somebody's heart?

    Friend: Ok try it dude, but dont overspend your energy. It is you I am worrying about. Mr. last man standing.

    Me: I am fine (with exhausted look)

    Vice versa:
    Usually my friend is also afraid to let me handle a deep friction, coz they know when I have justified the friend-turn-foe has done something really bad, especially when the impact is systemic, I will do what INFJs are good at: we nuke our enemies (no missiles, no warplanes, no tanks, no bullets)

    Instinct mostly correct, but when it fails. It really disrupts self confidence.

    (Me to myself) How did I didn't see that? What a fool you are. You are the dumbest man in the world.
    Logic: I told you (annoyed). Technically the numbers look bad, but you were overconfidence.

    Thank you I will find the epub version.

    Bottomline: over confidence sometimes is my biggest problem, but partners said they know I would be the one holding the light when others have shut it down. It is a good blend for the team. It is just costly if my instict weren't right.

    I do think about it many times, the INFJ way are sometimes costly, but the reward is big when you proved it, because you are different to others. Yes, I am a greater risk taker even though I do my calculated risk assesment.

    I do often get people to comment me like this:
    I know why I want to do this with you, you are different with others.

    Me to myself: Dude, people notice your lies, I just have a bigger tolerance rate than others, if you failed me too then noone can handle you anymore and I think you know this too: you will lose more if you screw up with me.

    Sometimes I do feel like the lender of the last resort when I need to bailout someone. It is costly, but when they recover, it will be good long term investment OR the entire nation is collapsed coz I bailed out the wrong bank.

    My friend often said: I noticed you can dive deeper and longer than the others, is it save?
    Me: Yes, the odd is either you die, or you find good treasures down the sea.

    Or may be an INFJ is not made to fit in the business world? People say you have to be mean in the business.

    I was often challenged when it comes to tough decision, I often hear: it shouldnt be you who will do it. you wouldnt have the heart to do it, you are just too kind. (In hate this comment)

    In many times, I do realize I overburden the business, but when some finance guy said are you sure we cant save more? Nope, I want people working with us feel appreciated. If you dont like this way, let s close the business.

    Is it really a businessman saying? Or it is a social worker motto? Again, are we fit into the business world? Anyone can give some great INFJ famous business people? Did they really harness their INFJ character or they hide it?
     
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    #82 larcipelago, Feb 12, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
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  3. dragulagu

    dragulagu Galactic Explorer

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    Going to give you a metaphor, I understand the root of your issue.

    Below is the deepest hole in the ocean, called the blue hole.

    [​IMG]

    You're the diver in your team that loves jumping into this hole, explore it, further and further, find new treasures, experiences. And each dive gives you more excitement, .
    Until you come at that moment you don't have the time to get up and out of it. That moment will come sooner or later.

    My ENFJ friend has the same kind of attitude by blending in with personalities that are more dark by each step. Until he got too close with a psychotic woman that took advantage of his empathic character. Almost fucked him up.

    So let me give you this advice: know your limits. I understand that exploring the darker side of the human psyche is fascinating, to break down and rebuild for better, putting that dark side into yourself to understand. But it's not worth putting you mental state at risk. So listen to your friends when they really are worried about the risks you take.
     
    #83 dragulagu, Feb 13, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2020
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  4. larcipelago

    larcipelago Community Member

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    Omg. Thank you @dragulagu . An advise I would never hear in real life and just came at the very moment I need it.
    Know my limits. A short three words but enough to keep me guarded from that blue hole (again gracias, gracias!)
    Btw. Are also an INFJ or something else?
    Millions of thanks from me. I wish people like you lives nearby. It may not look like a big deal, but your sincere intention to inject me with a new thought that I can use for precautions (a shield) over my future decisions matter a lot.
    I love you man. (@Pin ) will say: it aint me you are looking for. :tearsofjoy::tearsofjoy:
    All the best for your life @dragulagu
     
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