This is another thing I wrote a long time ago that I thought I would share here. This forum seems to be filled with some of the most understanding of people and I'm guessing it's due to the fact that the majority of us are INFJ's. Not to disqualify the other members because everyone seems open minded, I just think it might have something to do with the fact that this is an INFJ forum that makes everyone slightly more open. I could be wrong..
That being said, when I wrote this I was slightly frustrated and it is about people with a lack of understanding, which we all fall into from time to time. :
The thing about most people is that they are seeking to be understood. From the moment we are born we begin communicating. As babies we cry to get what we want and as we get older we learn the usage of language to get our points across. It's not just that we want to be heard as much as we want to be comprehended. What strikes me as odd in this whole never ending situation is that very few people try to understand.
Now don't get me wrong, I've met some people who are open minded, very empathetic, and actually great listeners. But, the number has been extremely small and it's no wonder that people are always feeling so misunderstood. It seems that people are always waiting in line to say what they just have to say, but when they have said it, no one was listening. Why, you ask? It is because everyone was rehearsing their lines in their heads. There are two particular instances that come to mind when I think of this. One, is simply the argument, the other is the need to apologize in order to make yourself feel better about something you've done.
Imagine with me a classic political, religious, or romantic argument. Two or more people gathered together for the sake of getting their point across. It is a verbal heightened frenzy. Emotions are running high and thoughts are running rampant. But minds, they are made up before the talking ever became shouting, before the discussion ever began. This isn't a solvent for the underlying problem, because no one came here to listen. At best it is an opportunity to release some stress and get your heart rate up. Although, there are many cardio workouts that can produce the same, or better, results.
Most arguments, especially the ones that turn to shouting matches and involve alcohol or some mind altering substance, result in the participants walking away upset, but with the same thoughts in tact. These people were only there to be heard. They were simply waiting for their chance to speak and they could not believe that that other person could be so ridiculous as to not see things their way. Every person with the gift of life is given the opportunity to unfold a unique story, complete with drama, romance, action, new ideas and comic relief, but so few people stop to pay any real attention. Because what "I" know and have been through is what matters.
Another time when so many people are dying to be understood is when their actions have resulted in the pain, or offense, of another individual. It is human nature to be aware of your particular feelings because you are obviously always experiencing them. Very few of us take the time to think about the consequences of what we are doing before we act. Then, even those who do stop to think and still continue with their actions, usually feel some justification as to why they have done what they have. However, if an individual realizes that their behavior, or activities, have hurt someone and then feel in any way bad about it, this realization is occasionally followed by the "understand me" apology.
Now, the "understand me" apology is simply what it is. This person apologizing may actually care that they hurt the person they are speaking to. However, they do not care enough to either leave this person alone so that they might deal with this hurt, or to leave out an explanation as to why hurting them was necessary, unavoidable, or without intention. It is very rare that someone who has been hurt by another individual, and is still dealing with that hurt, wants to hear an I'm sorry coupled with a self justifiable explanation from the person that put them in this situation of pain.
It's not the hardest thing to regard a person as a person , an actual human being, and an individual worthy of being heard. Perhaps your story is a good one and your ideas valuable. Why then couldn't someone else's be as well? Maybe if we took some steps back and tried to use some common sense in our conversations we wouldn't feel the need to argue. We would know whether our audience was ready to listen, or our ideas would be best saved for a more appropriate time and person. If we tried to actually think about other peoples feelings instead of our own, we might realize that sometimes it is best to walk away even when you truly are sorry. People try so hard to be understood , but often it is in the attempt to understand others that we realize that we aren't so alone, or as misunderstood as we think we are.
What do you think? Do you feel that in our quest to be connected, to be understood, that we fail to see others for who they are and where they've been? Do we miss the big picture when we're thinking of ourselves and not the other side of the story? Are we so different, you and I? (generalization)
That being said, when I wrote this I was slightly frustrated and it is about people with a lack of understanding, which we all fall into from time to time. :
The thing about most people is that they are seeking to be understood. From the moment we are born we begin communicating. As babies we cry to get what we want and as we get older we learn the usage of language to get our points across. It's not just that we want to be heard as much as we want to be comprehended. What strikes me as odd in this whole never ending situation is that very few people try to understand.
Now don't get me wrong, I've met some people who are open minded, very empathetic, and actually great listeners. But, the number has been extremely small and it's no wonder that people are always feeling so misunderstood. It seems that people are always waiting in line to say what they just have to say, but when they have said it, no one was listening. Why, you ask? It is because everyone was rehearsing their lines in their heads. There are two particular instances that come to mind when I think of this. One, is simply the argument, the other is the need to apologize in order to make yourself feel better about something you've done.
Imagine with me a classic political, religious, or romantic argument. Two or more people gathered together for the sake of getting their point across. It is a verbal heightened frenzy. Emotions are running high and thoughts are running rampant. But minds, they are made up before the talking ever became shouting, before the discussion ever began. This isn't a solvent for the underlying problem, because no one came here to listen. At best it is an opportunity to release some stress and get your heart rate up. Although, there are many cardio workouts that can produce the same, or better, results.
Most arguments, especially the ones that turn to shouting matches and involve alcohol or some mind altering substance, result in the participants walking away upset, but with the same thoughts in tact. These people were only there to be heard. They were simply waiting for their chance to speak and they could not believe that that other person could be so ridiculous as to not see things their way. Every person with the gift of life is given the opportunity to unfold a unique story, complete with drama, romance, action, new ideas and comic relief, but so few people stop to pay any real attention. Because what "I" know and have been through is what matters.
Another time when so many people are dying to be understood is when their actions have resulted in the pain, or offense, of another individual. It is human nature to be aware of your particular feelings because you are obviously always experiencing them. Very few of us take the time to think about the consequences of what we are doing before we act. Then, even those who do stop to think and still continue with their actions, usually feel some justification as to why they have done what they have. However, if an individual realizes that their behavior, or activities, have hurt someone and then feel in any way bad about it, this realization is occasionally followed by the "understand me" apology.
Now, the "understand me" apology is simply what it is. This person apologizing may actually care that they hurt the person they are speaking to. However, they do not care enough to either leave this person alone so that they might deal with this hurt, or to leave out an explanation as to why hurting them was necessary, unavoidable, or without intention. It is very rare that someone who has been hurt by another individual, and is still dealing with that hurt, wants to hear an I'm sorry coupled with a self justifiable explanation from the person that put them in this situation of pain.
It's not the hardest thing to regard a person as a person , an actual human being, and an individual worthy of being heard. Perhaps your story is a good one and your ideas valuable. Why then couldn't someone else's be as well? Maybe if we took some steps back and tried to use some common sense in our conversations we wouldn't feel the need to argue. We would know whether our audience was ready to listen, or our ideas would be best saved for a more appropriate time and person. If we tried to actually think about other peoples feelings instead of our own, we might realize that sometimes it is best to walk away even when you truly are sorry. People try so hard to be understood , but often it is in the attempt to understand others that we realize that we aren't so alone, or as misunderstood as we think we are.
What do you think? Do you feel that in our quest to be connected, to be understood, that we fail to see others for who they are and where they've been? Do we miss the big picture when we're thinking of ourselves and not the other side of the story? Are we so different, you and I? (generalization)
