vegaSagev
Newbie
- MBTI
- infj
So it's almost been a year. It was happening a year ago, but I didn't find out until September. When part of it was going on last year, I was out of state for a week for an annual work event. Last week, I traveled again with fear and worry. Things have been excellent before last week and I never had any concerns or fears until then.
I explained to ISTP spouse that this would be a hard week for me and asked for some reassurance with calls while I was gone. Here's how it went down and what has happened since:
The night before I left, she came home from work 4 hours late. She called earlier to say she would be an hour late, but apparently things were more complicated and she had to slate even later. I was uneasy and asked, "What the hell?" She seemed to take my anger well and seemed to understand how this triggered me. Next day when I told her I would miss her, she said, "I will try to miss you, too." I must not have heard that because it didn't hit me until later in the day.
So being at this work event wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. She did call a time or two and texted me once. On the last night of my stay, she called to say she was going to a work party with a friend in a bar. We don't drink (at all) so it was odd and made me worry. I was uncomfortable with her going but knew I could say that. She was home early and I'm sure "behaved herself."
The next day when I got home it seemed to be a cold welcome. She hugged me but didn't seem at all like she was interested in seeing me. I guess I wasn't exactly expecting balloons and a poster board sign when I stepped off the plane, but I sure hoped for "something" that communicated some interest in being with me, especially right after a hard week.
That night and the next morning she complained of being tired and didn't want to be close at all really, which isn't a big deal in and of itself, but I just snapped. I told her I needed someone who could love me and took my still-packed suitcase and left. I was only gone about 4 hours and came back but she was pissed and has been angry ever since. She says she feels like she doesn't know now all of a sudden if this is going to work out and she says she needs time to decide what she wants out of life. I don't know if she is punishing me for threatening to leave or what? I honestly felt like I didn't belong and that I was the guy at the party that everyone asks how I even got invited in the first place.
Before last week, we have made excellent progress, or so it seemed, but she seems to be remembering all of the bad times and ways I hurt her. I swear she almost distorts her own memories to suit her current mood. She has been distant and people say I should just back off and let her have some space. I guess I ruined some of the momentum but I feel like I have given 110% and she has only given about 29%. Some things are better and I can tell she has intentionally tried at some thing, but now I am the one feeling lonely and out in the cold.
I don't want to leave her and will do everything I can to make it work. It just feels there is almost no reciprocation. I just need some little signs here and there, a wink, something that sends the message "I am still fighting through all of this, just like you, but I want to be together."
She says she had forgotten this all and that I forced it to be brought up again. I told her, trust me, if I could forget this I would." I don't have any interest in thinking of this but I am triggered by dates and events from last year....like my birthday coming up.
I wish she had a little bit of empathy. I wish she seemed a little more remorseful and could show me in very simple, small ways that things are better. I have tried my best.
Thoughts? How do I behave right now? What does her behavior communicate? How do I not blow this?
Thanks to everyone.
P.S. I don't know how to reference my original post with a link for anyone who wants to read the background, but if anyone can do that for me I would really appreciate it.
I explained to ISTP spouse that this would be a hard week for me and asked for some reassurance with calls while I was gone. Here's how it went down and what has happened since:
The night before I left, she came home from work 4 hours late. She called earlier to say she would be an hour late, but apparently things were more complicated and she had to slate even later. I was uneasy and asked, "What the hell?" She seemed to take my anger well and seemed to understand how this triggered me. Next day when I told her I would miss her, she said, "I will try to miss you, too." I must not have heard that because it didn't hit me until later in the day.
So being at this work event wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. She did call a time or two and texted me once. On the last night of my stay, she called to say she was going to a work party with a friend in a bar. We don't drink (at all) so it was odd and made me worry. I was uncomfortable with her going but knew I could say that. She was home early and I'm sure "behaved herself."
The next day when I got home it seemed to be a cold welcome. She hugged me but didn't seem at all like she was interested in seeing me. I guess I wasn't exactly expecting balloons and a poster board sign when I stepped off the plane, but I sure hoped for "something" that communicated some interest in being with me, especially right after a hard week.
That night and the next morning she complained of being tired and didn't want to be close at all really, which isn't a big deal in and of itself, but I just snapped. I told her I needed someone who could love me and took my still-packed suitcase and left. I was only gone about 4 hours and came back but she was pissed and has been angry ever since. She says she feels like she doesn't know now all of a sudden if this is going to work out and she says she needs time to decide what she wants out of life. I don't know if she is punishing me for threatening to leave or what? I honestly felt like I didn't belong and that I was the guy at the party that everyone asks how I even got invited in the first place.
Before last week, we have made excellent progress, or so it seemed, but she seems to be remembering all of the bad times and ways I hurt her. I swear she almost distorts her own memories to suit her current mood. She has been distant and people say I should just back off and let her have some space. I guess I ruined some of the momentum but I feel like I have given 110% and she has only given about 29%. Some things are better and I can tell she has intentionally tried at some thing, but now I am the one feeling lonely and out in the cold.
I don't want to leave her and will do everything I can to make it work. It just feels there is almost no reciprocation. I just need some little signs here and there, a wink, something that sends the message "I am still fighting through all of this, just like you, but I want to be together."
She says she had forgotten this all and that I forced it to be brought up again. I told her, trust me, if I could forget this I would." I don't have any interest in thinking of this but I am triggered by dates and events from last year....like my birthday coming up.
I wish she had a little bit of empathy. I wish she seemed a little more remorseful and could show me in very simple, small ways that things are better. I have tried my best.
Thoughts? How do I behave right now? What does her behavior communicate? How do I not blow this?
Thanks to everyone.
P.S. I don't know how to reference my original post with a link for anyone who wants to read the background, but if anyone can do that for me I would really appreciate it.