On "Putting Yourself Out There" | INFJ Forum

On "Putting Yourself Out There"

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Faye, Sep 19, 2009.

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  1. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    How many of you have gotten some variation of the following: "The reason you're having trouble getting into a relationship is that you need to put yourself out there"? Try as you might, do you have a problem "putting yourself out there"?

    Today, I came to a realization about what that actually means. Here we go:

    "Putting yourself out there" as interpreted by INFJs: Meeting many people, talking to them, becoming friends with them, hopefully forming deep bonds with them, entering into a communicative and loving relationship, living happily ever after.

    "Putting yourself out there" as interpreted by most people in general: Acting like a slut now, worrying about the logistics of the relationship, if any, later.

    Basically, I think the default for INFJ is to do things "backwards". That doesn't mean that we cannot act like sluts or that INFJ's don't act like sluts; instead, I think many of us are looking for something that other many other types (though not all) do not consider an immediate priority or a priority at all.

    This is gender biased though. It is directed mostly at women while men just show up at the party or whatever and grab them (both figuratively and literally).

    I really hate society.
     
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  2. Wyote

    Wyote Dad of the Ded
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    Yesss! Sluttyness now, spousal abuse and f'ed up children later. No one cares because people are petrified of being alone.

    I don't know if it's a "type" thing, but it's certainly a huge minority that actually strives for sanity in their personal life. Most are willing to make various sacrifices to fill that void of loneliness.
     
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  3. The Jester

    Why am I afraid that this is the truth?
    That people just choose eachother so they won't die alone?
    I might change my views on this, but I'd rather die alone than live with a person I have a bitter relationship with.
     
  4. Soulful

    Soulful life is good

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    That's actually true for me, but I may be in a more unique situation atm.

    I think ultimately, we need to "put ourselves out there" in ways that make sense to us. I know I would be turned off by someone drinking, so I would never try to "put myself out there" at a bar. A gym, sure. A book club, heck yes. A meditation class, sure thing. I'd put myself "out there" where I'm comfortable and feel myself (and perhaps more likely to meet someone with similar interests).

    As for having to make like an extrovert and socialize, I don't think that's necessary.
     
    #4 Soulful, Sep 19, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2009
  5. Gaze

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    I very much agree with this approach. Too often we're made to feel that we should become the social butterfly, and dazzle everyone with extraverted conversation skills, to prove we are likeable. But we are just fine, we just need to find our groove. And when we do, it's usually pretty cool.
     
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  6. minkowski thermodynamics

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    I have thought about this.

    The way society is set up now, you have to project something on the surface to show people how "cool" and "interesting" you are. It must be something they can actually see or hear.


    But what is the alternative? Imagine a society where people walked around with holograms that depicted what they were on the inside. Possibly by showing them engaging in activities they really love like making music, or a video of them engaging in a philosophical debate. Would this be such a great thing? I think one aspect of what we love about relationships is digging deeper and finding out what's beyond the surface projection.

    So in this sense, the putting yourself out there isn't so bad. You can only put one aspect of yourself out there, and let the rest be discovered by the one who wants to dig deeper.
     
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  7. Soulful

    Soulful life is good

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    My thought on "putting yourself out there" (with the intention of connecting with someone) is that you precisely put YOUR SELF - YOU - out there. After all, you want someone to be attracted to who you ARE, and only by being yourself, can that happen.

    Imho, there's no need to put up a front or try to make yourself appear a certain way. Just be who you are, feel comfortable with it, and the rest will take care of itself.
     
  8. GaiaGraha

    GaiaGraha Community Member

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    ......how is THAT the logical alternative? Holograms?
    Sounds like schizotypal thinking to me.
     
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  9. Ketsugi

    Ketsugi Community Member

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    It just means that if you want to meet people, you have to go to a place where there are people, and actually interact with said people.

    I don't read anything else into it.
     
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  10. sassafras

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    I really wouldn't think about what the majority of the population considers "putting yourself out there." If you don't agree with the term being defined as an open license to become a slut, then don't slut out. Go with what you feel is acceptable social behavior.

    This is my opinion only, and I could be completely off my rocker, but I think you put a major emphasis on what society expects of you. I think you also have a very negative perspective on society in general, and project the things you dislike about it on the majority.... and give yourself excuses to keep yourself shut in. It's not just INFJ's that would agree with your definition of "putting yourself out there." I don't know the type of people you've been in direct contact with lately, but I can assure you that there is a balance of folks who do share your views... and they're from a wide range of personality types.

    The world is a big place, with lots of different people. The media projects a certain kind of mainstream, but that doesn't mean that it accounts for everyone else but you and a handful of folks. If you drop your shields, and look around, you'll find that you're really not the only one. There's actually quite a significant amount of people that think the way you do. And there's nothing "backwards" or "INFJ exclusive" about it.

    So yes, I do agree with the people telling you to put yourself out there, and yes, I do urge you to stick to what's a comfortable and acceptable form of socializing to you. This, of course, I want you to approach with a more positive mindset, because you have no idea how many wonderful and interesting folks you run into in the amidst of the stereotypes that you so despise.

    Of course, none of this will be possible until you sort of let go of your negative and resentful feelings towards society and (what you perceive are) its social expectations.

    Do your own thing, hun. You're an amazing person. You just got a little bit of a chip on your shoulder that you've got to brush off because its weighing you down. :(
     
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    #10 sassafras, Sep 20, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2009
  11. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    The way I interpret the phrase "putting your self out there" is to just lower your standards and losening up enough to live your life. Like it doesn't necessarily have to be meant in a sluttyness way. Like for me, for the longest time I was really quite and shy and didn't say much because I didn't think I had anything worth saying because I thought back to my "glory days" (middle school, ahahah that's sad) and compared to then, the things I had to say now weren't as funny or smart or happy or anything, but they I mean still were fine things to say but I was depressed so yeah . . . anyway but then with my lack of talking I started to forget normal things to say period, like my perfectionst idealisticness was what was holding me back (that and depression) anyway but really I actually still had a lot of great things to say and most people who were a ton less imaginative and original had the confidence to speak so it's like I just accepted myself for what I was without worrying about my standards of perfection just let myself live and my life got great again. So to an idealist what I think this saying should mean it to lower your standards, take social risks, and give friendships a chance with people who you might have other wise disregarded as not worth the time because you canlearn a lot from people. :)
     
  12. Eniko

    Eniko May snark if provoked
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    I believe our intuition lets us skip to the end of the story (or we like to think so, at least) and so we're far more preoccupied than other people with stacking the board so the ending reads "...and they lived happily ever after". So I think in a way you're right, in a way we really do do it backwards.

    There's something to be said for focussing on the now and short term, which is what I think is putting yourself out there. Just because we're already thinking about the final page doesn't necessarily make us right. After all, the start of the story needs to be paced right too, and we screw that up fantastically by doing this.

    ... That's my theory anyway.
     
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    #12 Eniko, Sep 26, 2009
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2009
  13. CoffeeShopDiva

    CoffeeShopDiva Community Member

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    I have a really hard time meeting new people. Other than work/ school, I don't often meet new people. I find it insanely intimidating. And, I work in social services, so I meet a lot of girls. :p
     
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  14. slant

    slant Ruboobie
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    People are afraid of being alone- that's essentially the number one reason that human being pairs. You could say that sex and reproduction are a part of it, and while that is true there are cases in which a couple is seperated after producing children and there are instances where relationships comprise entirely of sex and nothing more. So the obvious implications of coupling is the need to be two, and not one.
     
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