Nice girl/guy syndrome | INFJ Forum

Nice girl/guy syndrome

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Apr 5, 2010.

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  1. Gaze

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    (Excuse my writing - a bit formal sometimes)

    Apparently, when dating, it's not a good thing to appear to be too nice or accommodating. Why? It seems that being nice or too nice has many meanings, much of which isn't intended by the person who is naturally "nice" or showing niceness.

    Stereotypically, it is seen as being a bit desperate, needy, too available, just a friend material, overall cluelessness, or even naivete (because if you really knew what the world was really like you would undoubtedly be an all knowing, snarky, cynical, sarcastic or even quite "bitchy" human being), etc.

    Even in job interviews, it seems the more "nice" you are (at least here), the less competent or capable you're perceived to be. And for a first impression on a date, it can imply, for some, weakness or lack of assertiveness.

    Today, appearing cool and somewhat aloof, gives the impression that you are confident, comfortable, capable, in control, etc. Consequently, it seemingly indicates you have more to offer. Although, there are benefits to this kind of performance, it is limiting and restrictive.

    So, is it really such a bad thing to be a "nice" girl or guy? Really?
     
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    #1 Gaze, Apr 5, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2010
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  2. Raccoon Love

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    I do no understand why others will perceive nice individuals with such negativity but that is perhaps something I might never understand. I can indeed relate to this syndrome in which I appear to be overly nice and therefore ignored and isolated. Why? it is not that I am seeking attention perhaps or being too open, it is just ingrained in me to naturally help others, be polite. I take pleasure in helping, however in the current society today I have noticed that this does indeed seen as weakness by many. People tend to use this people for their selfish purpose and well afterwords nothing really gets accomplished. I enjoy helping others but at no means I am naive, I know when people are taking advantage, I just go with the flow. Why? I guess I am naive in the sense that I still have idealistic positive outlooks on humanity. No matter how much I tell myself that people are selfish and dishonest, I keep telling myself that it is my responsibility to not be this way, and help out as much as I can. I am guessing this is seen as unusual behavior by many and therefore they tend to ignore the individual who is to nice. In reality, I do not believe being too calm is seen with positive eyes. At least from what I've seen many are attracted to outgoing, assertive types which indeed makes those who might not be so strong in those particular areas ignored or isolated.
     
    #2 Raccoon Love, Apr 5, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2010
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  3. Blind Bandit

    Blind Bandit Blind Man Being Lead to Nowhere
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    I have a strong distant for the burden placed on nice people. I'm so sick of hearing how I'm too nice or whatever.

    I may be nice but I'm not a doormatt. And now I'm not going to be an ass either.

    I'm so sick of hearing if I want anything life I have to toughen up or be more aggressive ect.

    I think a lot of people don't understand respect and treating others like more than means to ends.

    I don't know maybe this is why I'm still single and have no prospects.

    Its such a vexing subject for me.
     
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  4. OP
    Gaze

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    This^^
     
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  5. On my own path

    On my own path Community Member

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    I can relate a lot to this.

    Some people seem to cling onto the ideology of the world being " dog eat dog" and when said people identify an individual that does adhere to this ideology they may become angry and disdainful of the "nice" individuals
     
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  6. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    I think that this has cost me both relationships and jobs. Some people are really annoyed at someone who is too nice because of the timidity that results from it. I'd like to be more assertive, but I've found that I always revert back to the niceness. It is the natural state.
     
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  7. Blind Bandit

    Blind Bandit Blind Man Being Lead to Nowhere
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    Sadly I am right there with you. I'm nice by nature that's who i am. I'm sick of people getting angry because I can't treat others like dirt.
     
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  8. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    In some ways I am indeed too nice. It is now an autonomic response in me too, because of the way I have created myself to be.

    I search for the inner motive to another persons actions, and 9 times out of 10 that motive was justified in some way, and for me to combat or dispute it would be an unfair move of me. After speaking to people, my perception of what is valid and fair is overprounounced, and I end up forigiving peoples actions far too much, thus causing me to allow people to get away with more then they should, and this making me too nice.

    The problem is, despite what others have told me, I still see validity with what I do and I can convince nearly anyone that it is true. It just comes at a heavy cost to me, and that is where the disparity and problem lies. I can't overcome that barrier out of fairness.
     
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  9. Puck

    Puck Perilous Pixie
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    I'm too nice, apparently, but I don't care. If people misinterpret me, that's their problem. What it comes down to is that it's too much work for me to second guess evey person I want to share with, to see if they will appreciate niceness or not, so I'm just nice anyway, at least most of the time, and if they like it, yay, and if they don't, too bad. Sure, it upsets me sometimes, and sometimes people go out of their way to be spiteful in return for my kindness, but also, I can observe my interactions in the world with some degree of knowingness, and I see well enough how my niceness might appear to certain others, so I laugh at their misinterpretation, and at myself, for wasting my energy on them, and move on. It's worth it afterall, for those rare moments my niceness is met with genuine appreciation, and that's why I can't/won't/refuse to change.
     
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    #9 Puck, Apr 6, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2010
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  10. enfp can be shy

    enfp can be shy people vs the bad people?
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    I think being nice and selfless is rational. I can't understand why rational and clever should have anything to do with self-interested and aggressive. Very little of this vanity remains after us. It actually makes no sense. Luckily, I've lived within different cultures, and I know this element of the popular culture today is not the only way of living, and will not have to last forever. Sometimes I feel like one of the subjects in a Milgram experiment.
     
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  11. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    It may be a perception of low loyalty or fidelity.

    People who's affections are easily gained, will probably (in the mind of the observer) be easily given to others.
     
  12. Jack

    Jack Community Member

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    I will post my thoughts later.
     
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    #12 Jack, Apr 6, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2010
  13. OP
    Gaze

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    Agree, especially with the areas in bold.
     
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  14. OP
    Gaze

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    Yeah, but it's a perception. Those who are nice in the way we are describing don't easily give their affections away to just anyone. They are usually very protective. They are just simply being nice and do not particular like game playing.
     
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  15. Sparkz

    Sparkz Regular Poster

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    I may post more later after I get sleep, but I thought that this quote credited to Mother Teresa applied to what you said.

    People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
    Forgive them anyway.
    If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
    Be kind anyway.
    If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
    Succeed anyway.
    If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
    Be honest and frank anyway.
    What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
    Build anyway.
    If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
    Be happy anyway.
    The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
    Do good anyway.
    Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
    Give the world the best you've got anyway.
    You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
    It was never between you and them anyway.


     
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  16. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    So, is it really such a bad thing to be a "nice" girl or guy? Really?

    sometimes people claim to be nice when they are actually very hostile, and in complete denial of it.

    other times people use "niceness" to justify doing the wrong thing. in that case it becomes a form of manipulation.

    and obviously being nice in a professional setting eg. at work, is a different issue to being nice to your family or friends.

    genuine niceness, though, when you're just trying to be friendly and to make someone feel better with no agenda behind it, i think is a wonderful thing, and i appreciate the effort.

    i think though some people are too nice for their own good, and lose a lot of opportunities and self respect by always giving in to what others want.
     
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  17. OP
    Gaze

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    It's not that people are necessarily too nice. It's just that sometimes, people are simply insensitive. And you only lose self respect if you lose a sense of dignity or less self esteem because of what you give up when others mistreat you. If you feel good about yourself however nice you are or abusive others try to be, then self respect is not lost, only the respect of others who choose not to respect or appreciate you. The people taking advantage of a "nice" person are not justified. They're simply perpetual opportunists trying to find ways to justify unacceptable behavior.

    Fact is, sometimes people are simply nice. They're not doing it ro get something or seek approval. Many who observe this niceness think you're seeking their approval or acceptance, when you're simply being who you are or just trying to be helpful.

    We don't always see people clearly or understand their motivations. We need to expand our understanding of people. But it's even worse to assume and assume incorrectly.

    There are many who see more value in helping others or doing what makes others happy, than being concerned about what they want or need. It's called self sacrifice. Some people are hurt by it. While, aware of the consequences, some simply see more positive than negative in giving of themselves. They'd rather do this than worry whether or not someone is exploiting them (however silly or "weak" this may seem to everyone else).
     
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    #17 Gaze, Apr 6, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2010
  18. laurie

    laurie Snowblind in Dreamland

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    This seems to go hand in hand with being optimistic.

    I've found over the years that, because of being nice, people will either try to 1) take advantage of me, 2) try to protect me unnecessarily, 3) find me boring because I don't create drama, 4) create drama for me.
    Thankfully, I found some friends who don't do any of that :)

    I think the whole 'suspicion of niceness' is just people being overly competative and paranoid. They think a nice person might get ahead of them by flattering a boss or by getting more help or something.

    It's a shame :( And I don't know what to do about it.
     
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  19. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    Good point, if by being nice you're just expressing who you are and people are taking advantage of it, then that's wrong. But I also don't think it's entirely correct to expect people to treat you with decency if you don't give them any incentive to; it's like wagging a bone infront of a dog, and expecting it to behave itself. Not gonna happen. It'll bite, and so will other people, when they notice how passive you are. IMO you've gotta draw the line at some point, and not give people more of yourself than they justifiably deserve.
     
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  20. OP
    Gaze

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    Each person has a right to decide how much they want to give. It's the other person's choice to respect or take advantage of it. And again, the typically nice person is not begging anyone for anything by being nice. They are simply behaving as they are or choose to be. Everyone is free to accept or respond it however they choose, but the person observing is entirely responsible for how they interpret or perceive it.

    And nice is not a synonym for passivity. You may perceive nice as passive, but find that the person is far from. They just haven't let you in on it yet. They may choose to be accepting and forgiving (and don't assume they don't see what you're doing) until you really cross the line, and then you'll get a taste of the strength and wrath you never thought they had.
     
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    #20 Gaze, Apr 6, 2010
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2010
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