New school - how find friends for INFJ? | INFJ Forum

New school - how find friends for INFJ?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Emma, Dec 22, 2009.

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  1. Emma

    Emma Three

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    Hi!

    I'm new here and would like some advice.

    I'm about to begin my studies at a new university. Where/how do you think a can find people I enjoy hanging out with?

    I have a tendency of making friends with people who are not really what I need. This might seem strange I suppose... In the past I have felt there have been two scenarios.

    1. I start hanging out with people who are friendly and outgoing because they are nice, fun and easy to contact. However after some time I start feeling they are to shallow for me and I do not feel we get to know each other good enough. Also they tend to enjoy parties, for me parties are straining.

    2. I take contact with some one that is very introverted in the hopes that they are like me. This can result in good conversation and friendship. But a feel I have to shield myself a bit, because this person usually enjoy hanging out every break/lunch and preferably alone (just us). Often after some time I feel trapped, its hard to talk to new people when you have someone following you (and being quiet)... Also sometime I have felt they do not really care for ME. I mean that they are whery interested in talking about themselves and there families and so on, but don't seem that interested when I talk...

    Maybe I have too high expectations on friendship.

    I want a real connection so that you can exchange deep feelings and thoughts about life. But I still want to have "fun" sometimes. And a do not want a "best friend" (and one only...).

    Also I suspect I'm doing something wrong... occasionally I find someone I feel is interesting and I potential good friend. (unfortionately not people I meet on a daily basis.) I can take a example: I meet a very nice girl on a reception we talked a lot and had fun. She invited me to stay over at her place and we talked much, private things. We also talked the following morning and then I left. Then we where away and occupied for some time. But then I called her. But she were doing something and could not talk for long and she never called back...

    I would love to get some advice on where/how I will be likely to find the right people at this new place. I'm introverted so for me its hard to take contact with new people/groups of people after the first weeks when people don't know each other.

    I hope someone is kind enough to read all this.

    Regards
     
  2. arbygil

    arbygil Passing through

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    If I were you, Emma, I'd find a club or an organization on campus that has activities you enjoy. The organizations and activities you like will naturally draw like-minded people. It's not easy to get out there and join a club for an introvert, but the fastest way to get to know people and to make new friends when you're away is to get into a campus organization.
     
  3. Afrelen

    Afrelen Community Member

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    Much agreed. That's the best way to meet new people.
     
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  4. Entyqua

    Entyqua Forgotten
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    also much agreed...

    though I really want to be silly and say find the artsy types...they accept anyone :D JK...:m037:
     
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  5. Quest

    Quest Community Member

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    I'm not sure, but I'm guessing you'll be living off-campus?, and I know it's harder to make friends that way. Even if you're living on campus and you're introverted, it still can be hard to make friends, and I know.... But regardless of where you'll be living, same as Arby, join clubs and organizations. And talk to people in your class. I'm sure you'll have some small classes where you'll have more chances of connecting with people. On the first day, sit around people or find a friendly face, say hi and just try to be friendly. If you talk to people, they'll reciprocate, but if you hold yourself off that's when they'll think you aren't interested in talking or aren't too friendly and this's what I've found with me...
     
  6. Celsius100

    Celsius100 Community Member

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    That's because art students are the most amazingest bestest people ever... :m037:

    But much in the same vein as everyone else, finding clubs and organizations of interest are an absolutely wonderful means of making good friends. Or specialized classes that fit your interests.

    One of my absolute best friends ever was one that I met while taking Japanese at a community college. I overheard a familiar song that I happened to be a fan of playing on her iPod, and I brought up that it was a great song. We ended up chatting for a while, and things went awesome from there.

    Also, though it sounds a bit odd, work can provide good friends too, if you're planning on balancing a job along with studies, though mine has been again more in my line of interest. Two of the closest friends I've had at my current college, I made as a Tech Support work-study. We're all sitting at a pretty similar point, between general personality and interests.

    I guess my best advice is keep your chin up, and your ears open, and above all else, just be yourself! It's a bit corny, but it's the surest way to meet real friends.
     
  7. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    I suck at making friends, but here is a good piece of advice. If you go to a class, especially if it is a small class, sit in the middle of the room (as opposed to the edge). By doing that, you'll be exposing yourself to more people. You should still sit toward the front.

    Otherwise, join clubs and organizations. You'll notice that all the sports teams people form cliques and become friends with each other by virtue of the fact that they all run track, play softball, or whatever. That would be a really good way to get in with a group of friends. Clubs often don't have many people show up, so that is a good way to meet people.

    Another way is to join/start study groups for particularly hard classes. That is a good way to get to know smart, fun people.

    I met most of my friends by virtue of the fact that we lived close to each other (like, next door in the dormitories). The others were a few random people I met in class. Freshman year we had a little 15 person clique going, and then people started dating each other and hating each other and DRAMA, and now we don't do that anymore, but you see the point. Things are different at big unis though, so the advice I gave ^ there is probably more applicable.
     
  8. Top cat

    Top cat Permanent Fixture

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    Hi Emma. It's definitely about trying as many options as you can. I have tried clubs/groups/lessons 3x last year and did not meet anyone.. Wrong place, wrong time I guess. But good thing it was not a complete waste of time --there were many things there I wanted to learn.
    And my standards were not particularly high, just that either I could not connect with them or they were actually not very nice people at all (@_@; (I'm surprised myself, that there existed people like that ...). And there are a lot of people where it takes a long time for you to become friends too, so keep that in mind... Just hang on to a few good ones and see where it develops

    I think you can keep people like these. I think they are still young, mentally. You could try to carefully show them you are not very happy that they aren't interested in what you have to say. Eventually they might see how you are feeling and change. If not, you can drift away from them.
    It's good to keep them because your personalities are a little similar. You might help them grow. But try to make other friends at the same time, and then invite this person there. And hopefully they can get better.

    Most of the time what happens to me is #1 in your two scenarios ^^ They also end up becoming troublemakers for me. They become quite impulsive, reacting too quickly to things I have said etc. And they spend too much time on gossip. It was quite sad but definitely, first impressions are not reliable.....

    I think the most important advice is that you should wait before you try to make a new friend. You should scan the whole area, observe everyone for a few weeks. You can talk with everyone, but keep your distance. In this way you'll see more than one side of a person. You'll get a better picture of what one person is like. See them when they're upset, see how they communicate with others, see how they handle stress, etc.

    Sometimes we can be too much on the first meeting or first time hanging out together. They might be exhausted. I always like to not say too much. I will let it build every time I see them, especially so there is always something new to talk about. There are a lot of activities where you don't need to speak too much like doing homework together, listening to music, going for a walk. I only do deep discussions when they aren't 'new people' to me anymore. It takes a lot of time to get to this point, I think. You might scare them off if you are too deep on the first day.

    I also found this in a blog by an introvert. Click the link for the rest of the entry.
    Introvert friends in college:
    If looking for true friends, watch closely for people who:
    -avoid the party scene
    -spend more time in their dorm room than out of it
    -bear the marks of eccentricity when you talk to them (unusual mannerisms or word choice)
    -are quiet and go out of their way to appear very ordinary, who would escape your notice if you weren’t watching for them.
    -aren’t very expressive when you first meet them.
    -always keep their drapes/blinds shut

    These are hallmarks of someone who might be living under the surface.
    Of the candidates you find, a couple might be what you’re looking for.


    Good luck !
     
  9. OP
    Emma

    Emma Three

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    Hi!

    Thank you all for your replies.

    I have been thinking about campus organizations. But there are not many. Here are what exists:
    1. One that goes on skiing trips. - a like skiing but I'm more careful than most making it difficult to ski with people. (because they'll have to wait for me...) Also I'm not sure I can afford it.
    2. I concert band. I only play the recorder, and that is not the right instrument I think. Ilso I'm not that good at it and get extremely nervous it I were to play with people.
    3. A choir. I enjoy singing, but I'm not good enough for that. On the homepage it says I have to sing for someone before joining. I could not do that...
    4. One for Christians. I'm not.
    5. One for dancing.
    6. Spex - not for me.
    7. And one that in basically just for drinking...
    And that is it.

    Also, I'm living on the other side of town with my boyfriend.

    There will be no small classes. I'm studying to become a physician. We will be 110 pupils.

    I will keep my eyes open for study groups.

    Ok, and I'll try not to be "too much" in the beginning...
     
  10. laurie

    laurie Snowblind in Dreamland

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    Try the dancing one. It's probably one of the most social ones out of those.... except maybe the drinking one ^^"
    Dance is also a good way of exercising and getting endorphins which make you feel good anyway.
    It wouldn't hurt to give it a trial run at least, right? ^^"

    I have a similar problem though... I plan to smuggle my friends to university with me ;.;
     
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  11. mooseman

    mooseman Local Claviger
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    What kind of dance are they into?

    Just curious. Lindy hopper myself.
     
  12. Wyst

    Wyst Are you there?

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    I agree with the club/organization idea.

    You'll find people who at least have the same interest as you and you can continue getting to know more about them from that point. I've never been very good at making friends. About a year and a half ago, I moved to a new city - joined a circle of people that I would see regularly..... but it wasn't until I had been there for over half a year that really close, strong relationships began developing.

    I think finding close friends is like finding love. You just can't rush it. But you can't be afraid of things not working out either because nothing will ever happen if you don't try.

    Hang in there, Emma!! I know it's hard and lonely.
     
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  13. soulseeker

    soulseeker Permanent Fixture

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    YEAH!!! :m168:try the dancing one!!!!! :) :) maybe it would be fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) :):m096:
     
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  14. soulseeker

    soulseeker Permanent Fixture

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    i have been staying in the same school for 9 years and in this house for 4 years and my whole life on earth for 16 years... and i still don't have any close friends

    BUT I STILL DON'T GIVE UP :) :) :)

    it's hard and lonely.... but i think when you do get to find one... then it's all worth it :) :) :)
     
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  15. Top cat

    Top cat Permanent Fixture

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    i think so too, wyst it's just like finding love.. :m054:



    the clubs are good, as long as you are in there for yourself. so if nothing works out, you enjoyed yourself at the least. plus many relationships i've had happen out of the blue, on the bus or while i'm waiting..some people just talk to you or you see a stranger twice or three times in a month and then he comes to say hi one day... so you never know. some people have also talked to me based on what i was wearing or once i was carrying a tennis racket.. sewing book, a cut gathered sleeve etcetera. and then you see this person one more time and you click.. To be honest, making friends drains me so i just let it happen and have my mind on other things.
     
  16. bamf

    bamf Is Watching You
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    Don't know if anyone has suggested this yet, but if you plan on working try and get a job working for your university. They're mostly student positions and I've met some good people this way. Just an idea, but it's worked for me in the past.
     
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