Need insight from all board members! | INFJ Forum

Need insight from all board members!

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Not2bforgot10, Nov 7, 2009.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 2 users.
More threads by Not2bforgot10
  1. Not2bforgot10

    Not2bforgot10 Community Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2009
    Threads:
    28
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    xNFJ
    Enneagram:
    3w4 SX
    Edit: I have chosen to delete this entry because if not I cannot edit the entry after "24" hours, *Sigh*

    Why can't members edit after 24/hrs?
     
    #1 Not2bforgot10, Nov 7, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2009
  2. Moxie

    Moxie Absent-Minded Professor

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2009
    Threads:
    45
    Messages:
    1,519
    Likes Received:
    149
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Ok, it was hard work to read through everything, but here are my thoughts.

    Sindee is a therapist, and I think you are using 'transference.' This is ok, and is part of the therapeutic process. It's ok to get mad at her for not loving you. But the point of therapy is to figure out who you're really mad at.

    You relationship with your mother is toxic. It might help you to give yourself a 'separation.' You may see clearly when your mother is not in the picture.

    And finally, no one can make you feel worthy, or valuable, or lovable or cherished. You have to heal yourself first.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    NeverAmI likes this.
  3. Solongo

    Solongo Well-known member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2009
    Threads:
    36
    Messages:
    2,087
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    432
    Trophy Points:
    230
    MBTI:
    INFJ all day
    I had the same relationship with my mom. She was overbearing and I didn't understand her motives while I was growing up. I confronted her when I was 20 and our relationship turned to a positive direction. The whole point is to stand your ground and it takes a lot out of you when she has been in your life since the beginning. But i can tell you that the long term effects of standing up to her is beneficial IF you want to mend your relationship with her.

    I eventually forgave my mom and that took a lot too. Many people don't forgive and can't stand up to their mothers toxicity. And I don't blame them. Some parents are not worth forgiving. It's all up to you.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    NeverAmI likes this.
  4. sassafras

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2009
    Threads:
    173
    Messages:
    14,572
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    45,406
    Trophy Points:
    2,376
    MBTI:
    .
    I think you're perfectly aware of your own dissonances and, as it can be expected, extremely frustrated by them and impatient to move on. Wanting to be Your own Person who makes mistakes and Loved Unconditionally for You versus Being Perfect, All-Knowing and UnSelfish. Classic example of Wants versus Value Instilled Needs.

    My impression is that you're ready to move past this whole dissonance and truly become your own person, but you're frightened that you won't be able to find the same connection you have with Sidnee anywhere else... After all, you had paid her to get to this point, the safest thing would be to transition into a real relationship. If I'm right, then perhaps on some unconscious level, you may be frightened that you won't let anyone else in the same way because you fear that you might relapse and put up those same mental blocks (can't be selfish, got to be perfect, etc.) and struggle with the whole personal independence versus dependence issue all over again.

    I think you're still haunted by a shadow of perfection that translates into a subconscious fear of failure. Being all knowing, being perfect, being the one that's right and not needing anyone. Perhaps you see even the possibility reverting back to old habits as utter failure rather than just a mild stumble in a long, healing process. It could very well be that this is the fear that's holding you back.

    Mind you, these are just my impressions and insights, of course. I have no way of knowing if they're correct because all I have to work with is this block of a text.... which may be missing a lot of vital information. But if any of this strikes a chord with you, perhaps you should re-read your entry and see if what I do say does make any sense. I think it's wonderful that you put your thoughts in a journal like this. You can really track a lot of your progress.

    I'm sorry to hear that you had such a tough time with your mother... but at the same time, I'm also extremely pleased to see you fighting to move past this. I do have a feeling that you're getting closer.

    Good luck.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #4 sassafras, Nov 7, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2009
  5. Questingpoet

    Questingpoet Not Afraid to Use His Beard
    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2009
    Threads:
    222
    Messages:
    5,733
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    941
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    Wow, very complicated post and situation. First off, let me start by saying your are an INFJ for certain. You're post screams it. You seem to have some doubt here--don't. Knowing this, try to use the MBTI profiles and tools for self-realization. It can't hurt and can only help.

    You are struggling with a few major things right now, but they all lead back to that really big one that drives all we INFJ's--love. Love of others (your mom, Sydnee) and love of yourself. My first big question here is: Have you had some heart to heart conversations with your mother? Have you told her all the things you put out there in your post? If you've been in threapy that long, I'm sure this has come up. If you haven't made a really strong effort to resolve the issues with your mom, you need to do so. Without some kind of resolution there, you'll never be able to move on and love the most important person in your life--yourself. Even if you can't get her to say what you need her to (like I'm sorry or I love you) the process of getting all that out and telling her will have some healing effects I promise you. You should try to "type" her. It would bring additional understanding; help in your trying to relate to her. The forum would help with this if you can't do it yourself.

    As far as your relationship to/with Sydnee, you are on very dangerous ground here. You have set yourself up for a fall here I'm feeling. It also sounds to me like she has not kept the boundries between patiant and threapist as firm as she should have. You are not to blame here if that is the case. She is the one who should be in control and setting boundries. You obviously feel a very strong emotional attachement to her. You want her love unconditionally, and see the money as a condition. My advice to you on this will be hard to hear, but I hope you listen with your mind as well as your heart. Lay it out for her. Tell her she's allowed the relationship to cross over well beyond patiant/threapist. Tell her exactly how you feel the realtionship should be. If she disagrees and still wants to listen to you for money only, then walk away. Shame on her for letting this happen. If it truely is a friendship, she will take your hand. If it's not, it's better you move on.

    And for the last, and most impotant, your self-image and identity: that's the toughest of all. You are constantly trying to define yourself by those around you. How they treat you and how you relate to them. You seem to be aware of this, which is a great first step. Move beyond that step. Try to take some control of your feelings in this. Resolution with your mom will help a lot I think. I think you need to go against some of your inner urges to help, be kind, and always attach yourself to someone. Put yourself first for a while.

    I know that last one (attaching to someone) too well. Feeling lonely is the worst for us INFJ's. We feel deeply and need connections. But time apart from others for self-reflection is important to us to. Don't lessen your important in your own eyes because of your role in relationships. I have always been the sidekick, the conselor, the confidant, etc. It used to really bother me. Now I cherish the role. I love being the unseen force that drives things, the one who others go to when they need the really tough questions answered. Define what role you want to be, and are comfortable with in life, then love it. And Love youself. You can do it Emily. Stay strong........
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #5 Questingpoet, Nov 7, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2009
    sassafras likes this.
  6. sassafras

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2009
    Threads:
    173
    Messages:
    14,572
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    45,406
    Trophy Points:
    2,376
    MBTI:
    .
    ^^ I notice this as well.

    ^ solid advice.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  7. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
    Donor

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2009
    Threads:
    114
    Messages:
    2,721
    Likes Received:
    467
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ again
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    Hi,

    I can really relate to your story. I have almost the same story going on in my head as the one that you have written. I also have the feeling that I have to be perfect to be loved and that when I show the real me or ask something from someone, they all back of and leave me alone. I'm so affraid of being left alone!

    I deeply feel with you and I want you to know that you are not allone in this, that there are other people struggling with the same issues. Being aware of the problem is a major step!

    I want to give you advise but I'm still figuring it out myself. And I think questionpoet has done a great job!

    Are you still living with your mother? If that is the case I would advise you to move out. I have moved out two months ago and it has been soo helpfull in finding my real self and solving a lot of my issues!
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  8. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,381
    Messages:
    28,299
    Featured Threads:
    94
    Likes Received:
    22,986
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    +1
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  9. OP
    Not2bforgot10

    Not2bforgot10 Community Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2009
    Threads:
    28
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    xNFJ
    Enneagram:
    3w4 SX
    TheDarlingTrickHat and the QuestioningPoet are the closest to being able to accurately assess what’s going on, although QuestioningPoet, I am an INTJ. I test INTJ on all the official, paid mbti tests and both INTJ and INFJ on the free unofficial tests online.

    Anyway, basically what has happened is that my therapist (we terminated therapy 3 months ago) played “mom” and “best friend,” literally. She would tell me about her personal sexual abuse, her clients (using their names, etc), would have me over to her house (That’s where she held the therapy sessions at… she had both an office and home office, and she saw me out of her home), would make me lunch, call me off hours (the latest I can remember is 10PM), etc. She would also tell me I was the “mommy” she never had (Was she trying to talk to my inner child?).

    Regardless, it was completely inappropriate, and yes, a huge boundary violation. She is now repaying me for most of my services upon request to protect herself against a legal suit.

    Syndee screwed with my head… I thought she was helping me the whole time, but she wasn’t. She was meshing boundaries in an attempt to get closer to me which screwed with my head. She would tell me she loved me, too… in a “friendly” “motherly” way. To be honest, I considered her my confidant. I thought we were beginning to form a real relationship and had formed a “real” relationship.

    I woke up one day…

    I didn’t know that what she was doing wasn’t okay b/c she called herself a “spiritual” aka “transpersonal” therapist… so I assumed this was normal. I was young (when I started, 3 years ago) and na
     
    #9 Not2bforgot10, Nov 7, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2009
  10. OP
    Not2bforgot10

    Not2bforgot10 Community Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2009
    Threads:
    28
    Messages:
    185
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    xNFJ
    Enneagram:
    3w4 SX
    Please read my last response. I am not using transference. Also, I am completely aware that nobody can make another feel worthy; we can only make ourselves feel worthy. :)
     
    #10 Not2bforgot10, Nov 7, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2009
  11. Morgain

    Morgain defective wisdom
    Donor

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2009
    Threads:
    114
    Messages:
    2,721
    Likes Received:
    467
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ again
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    that is so true!!!! And I forget it so often ...
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  12. sassafras

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2009
    Threads:
    173
    Messages:
    14,572
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    45,406
    Trophy Points:
    2,376
    MBTI:
    .
    Holy shit, that is pretty damn sneaky. I'm glad you "woke up"; that was highly inappropriate.

    And actually, there might be something you can do about that legal issue of yours. You are in Vermont, correct?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    #12 sassafras, Nov 8, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2009
Loading...

Share This Page