My relationship experiences are poor... | INFJ Forum

My relationship experiences are poor...

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by SamE, Oct 11, 2010.

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  1. SamE

    SamE Community Member

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    Relationship experiences...

    I asked for help once.
    I don't really know how to initiative good conversations on dating sites and ultimately be datable.

    This is an example of dialogue I had once with a woman on a dating site.

    I had help in creating the first paragraph from a women and this is how it started.
    I got a response and the conversation progressed a little bit.

    She responded like so
     
    #1 SamE, Oct 11, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2010
  2. christmas

    christmas is such a boss bitch.
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    It sounds like it was going pretty well. She may not have had time to type out a response to your long letter. Why don't you send a short message and suggest meeting?
     
  3. LoneArcher86

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    Plenty of fish in the sea

    SamE

    First and foremost, EVERYONE is datable, though sometimes finding someone who satisfies your compatibility comfort level can be a bit of a process.

    If you are directly wondering how to continue to converse with this particular individual, then I recommend that you simply ask why they suddenly stopped exchanging messages with you. Be prepared for any variety of responses, and remember that there perception of you does not reflect those of everyone.

    It sounds like you automatically assumed that you did something wrong, when in fact that may not have been the case at all. If you follow my advice, and they respond in my manner that blames you, then forget about them and move on.

    If you are referring to a general explanation of why you have a difficult time navigating the "dating world", then it could be that you have standards that many people may not live up too. Don't get my wrong, having standards is a good thing, but you are ultimately left with 2 options. Keep your standards and expect that the search for the "one" may be a long process, but you will eventually be very satisfied with the result OR lower your standards and accept a compromise.

    Another explanation, that I myself find myself in, may be that you have a personality that very few people can relate to, and therefore they may be intimidated to pursue the relationship further. In this case, I have come the the conclusion, that again, you can be fully yourself and accept that the search may be long. Or you can tweak your personality in the initial stages of the relationship, and slowly introduce the depth of yourself over time.

    It is in my experience that 99% of people are happy to oblige to the social conformaties and find comfort in seeming that they are like everyone else. The other 1% may want to conform to alleviate the pressure produced by social anxiety , but are not satisfied that "this is the way it should be".

    One last piece of advice,
    Be who you are to the fullest and don't worry if this means relationship may not come your way as often as you wish. If you compromise yourself, you will ultimately not be satisfied with your relationship with other people and especially yourself.

    After all this, it occurs to me that you never described why these relationships are so important to you.

    Is it because you feel that this is the social norm, or is it related more to sexual gratification?

    Knowing why and what you want from relationship can often times help you to understand how to achieve it.
     
  4. toska

    toska Community Member

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    This is definitely true. I've had similar experiences on dating websites. If someone stops replying to my messages, I just assume he's decided I'm not his type or maybe he's in a relationship and was just bored and flirting. She could also be busy or nervous and trying to think out a thoughtful reply...I agree with Christmas' suggestion. If you really want to meet her just ask.
     
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  5. Bird

    Bird Happy Go Lucky

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    She could possibly be uninterested in any sort of relationship at the moment.
    I definitely don't think you've done anything to upset/offend her. I am sure
    she will reply with time. Sometimes responses are difficult to make, so many
    options of what to say and so on.
     
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  6. OP
    SamE

    SamE Community Member

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    This was one of the few successful times I had a conversation on a dating site which was started by a woman's suggestion on how to write an opening statement to get me started a few years ago. The lady in question found someone else.
     
  7. OP
    SamE

    SamE Community Member

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    Why because I am a 33 year old heterosexual male who is yet to experience intimacy of any kind let alone properly date anyone yet...and I'm lonely and want to expired love in my life so I can feel human.
     
    #7 SamE, Oct 12, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2010
  8. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    ^i wouldn't take it personally. her not responding probably has less to do with what you said and more to do with her and the other guy. i think you are really nice SamE. one tip though~ i wouldn't talk about my entire life story as soon as the other party showed the faintest amount of interest ;)
     
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  9. OP
    SamE

    SamE Community Member

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    Plus would be good to step outside of my obliviousness now.
    I think the final straw was when I went to an energy healer and he said I was being blocked spiritually to experience loneliness and powerlessness. I go gtfo. Ever since my energy has been different. That's beside the point, the point is erh I need help, lots more than your average heterosexual male. For goodness sakes I've been wanting a social circle and what happens, I'm in a bachelour social circle now...solid! I guess it is an improvement from my lesbian social circle. Now I'm wondering whether my current mothers social circle is going to help.
     
  10. KorJax

    KorJax Community Member

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    It's good you are taking steps.

    Please note though that the following tend to be turn offs to experienced daters (because they often lead to pitfalls in the relationship), and not saying that you are like this at all, but just giving some advice:

    1. Clingy/not able to give the partner much needed personal space

    2. Coming off too strong too fast

    3. Coming off desperate for love

    I think as far as dating websites goes, it's best to go in with a mindset that you don't need a relationship, and/or you are just looking to potentially learn about a friend that you personally relate to on a level that is important to you. That is where the most success is found I would think. Being able to message or recieve messages from other users and not go "IS THIS THE ONE?!" is very important to get a good experience and avoid you imposing your personal desires and expections on the other person (whcih isn't what relationships are [or at least should be] about). Approaching the situations and people you meet there very casually and following them by the ear would be best.

    Personally, I don't really do dating websites. It comes off as too forced to me, and I am not comfortable being in a relationship with someone "for the sake of it" or because "it's how it should be". It just is too shallow and meaningless. If I am going to meet someone I met first online, I'm not interested in dating, and I think that's the big thing. I don't want to date the person, I don't them to be my boyfriend (I am gay by the way, so girlfriend if I was straight). There might be attraction there, and I might really like the person from chatting with them online, but I take it with a grain of salt until I can get real-world attraction (because everyone is different in person). When I find myself wanting to be around the person all the time and me being excited to hang out with the person to go do something again, that is when I will start being interested in a relationship, and only if I know he'd be the person interested in me too.

    If it sounds hard, it isn't. Thats one thing I've recently learned that dating really isn't all that hard as it's always sounded to me. It's as simple as being yourself, and not being afraid of rejection or you rejecting. All you gotta do is just be who you are honestly, and if you find out that overall you two are not compatable, then no sweat - the two of you, who you both REALLY were, just weren't the types to work out on a relationship level.

    I take it pretty seriously though. I don't date for funsies, and I find being close to someone as being sacred and not something that can be forced. So why force it? I'll hang out and maybe even go out with a guy I am interested in, but I don't cling or take my fantasies seriously at all until I truely feel comfortable inside and out about these thoughts.
     
    #10 KorJax, Oct 12, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2010
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  11. OP
    SamE

    SamE Community Member

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    You said really nice, you know nice as a word is annoys the crap out of me.
    Now if you said I was a really kind or a really good guy that would be different.

    Can I go on about the nice guy syndrome...

    2. Write a list of attributes you'd like to cultivate, and make sure nice is not one of them. Nice is not a compliment. Nice is a four-letter word. Instead of striving to be a nice person, strive to be a confident, passionate, steadfast, generous, observant, forthright, loving, strong, charismatic person.

    5. Just say no to women friends. Of course you don't need to get rid of your lady friends altogether, but if you aren't having as much romantic encounters as you'd like then you certainly don't need any more female friends. You need romantic interests. You need dates. The next time you meet a woman who strikes your fancy, don't try to be her friend first. Women rarely end up with their nice guy friends.

    9. Seek input from women who make you hot. If you're into a lady and she's into some other guy, ask her what it is she likes about him. What does she find attractive? What is her standard type? Many nice guys take most of their clues about what women want from listening to women complain about men-they are too aggressive, are emotionally available, don't call enough; instead of finding out what women like about the men they like.





     
  12. Kavalan

    Kavalan Has risen

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    Your disdain for nice just shows you buy into the notion that nice guys do finish last. You see it as a road block and as the end of any shot as soon as you see it... "Nice". I own it, affirm it and make it a centerpiece. I can be one of the nicest guy you can meet. I may be a single(technically) nice guy but that hasn't stopped me nor do I care. If they don't like me being so nice well then I probably want nothing to do with them. Just because I'm nice doesn't mean I don't have a spine and can't be assertive; they aren't synonymous and mutually exclusive respectively.

    You're choices of steps to cite revolve around figuring out what women want simple answer: It's a crap shoot; there all different what one wants is not going to be the gold standard.

    The one thing I will agree with is the list should be more than nice, dimension to one's personality is good and healthy.
     
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  13. NiennaLadyOfTears

    NiennaLadyOfTears Goth Hobbit Lass
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    I am proof that Aspies can get married. I married another Aspie. :p
     
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  14. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    ok, you're a kind & really good guy. make ya feel better? :p
    nice is synonymous with the aforementioned words in my mind, so take it as a compliment. and with all due respect SamE, that stuff you posted about nice guys is a load of bull. like @Kavalan said, nice isn't equivalent to spineless or dateless, it's more than possible to be nice and still assert your will.
     
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  15. KazeCraven

    KazeCraven Graduated from Typology : May 2011
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    tch.

    @OP: You know, if you think being nice is a bad thing, you should try being not nice. I'll be interested in hearing how that turns out.
     
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  16. OP
    SamE

    SamE Community Member

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    When I was 7 I was myself and not nice yet strangely charming. Afterward something changed in me and nice started being my default personality rather than cheeky and energetic. As the years wore on my personality faded. And I have come to realise personality and initiative matter above everything. It would turn out more interestingly, guaranteed.
     
  17. OP
    SamE

    SamE Community Member

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    Yes that does make me feel better. :)

    But I disagree. My ISFP friend loves toilet humour and is nice, the times he was uncharacteristically himself he started a relationship. Another time he created chemistry and had a one night stand too but ever since he's just nice, while he dates he struggles to be in a proper relationship. Then there is my bipolar friend who is on meds. He dates and has a ball so he thinks, but because he is so nice...dull and boring...he goes home with more friends and none. There is a pattern here.
     
    #17 SamE, Oct 12, 2010
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2010
  18. OP
    SamE

    SamE Community Member

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    Well that's good then, each to their own. Perhaps I associate nice with an inanimate carbon rod...
     
  19. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    Nice and spineless are not mutually exclusive. It's quite a large misnomer to think otherwise.
     
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  20. OP
    SamE

    SamE Community Member

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    That's cool, what are you thoughts on your relationship? I know a friend who is in a relationship with an Aspie. She says of what little she knows my tendencies don't seem like I'm aspie. I then wonder why did I get assigned to stacking shelves now instead of being enabled in a customer service job. And the lack of love that continues.
     
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