My ex is an INFJ.. how to win her back?... Nevermind, let's all be weird!!!

[Puzzlenuzzle]

Don't hate me lol. I could be very wrong - heck, I don't even know you and I'm going off by what you've told us and I respect you for being honest about it. So, don't take my little dissection as something ill natured...but this is what I gather from this.. and, it might not be what you want to hear

Hi everyone,
she fell in love with me with almost no effort on my part. I think my charisma did all the work to be honest

Our relationship was filled with fun, activities, outings, travelling, always treated her like a queen.. however i've had my good loads of immaturity like.. losing a game.. i wouldn't take it well.

This makes me feel like you saw it as some kind of a game. I don't know though and I'm having a hard time pin pointing it to what it is exactly. Whatever, maybe I'm overthinking it.

Romance was obviously not my strong side as well. We had our share of fights and arguments.

Fights and arguments can naturally be part of any relationships because well, you are two different people. It just matters how you handle them.

like I could feel something was bothering her, but she would insist that everything was fine..

You were probably right.

Her whole family absolutely adores me, they think I am a keeper and they just have good things to say about me, they dont understand why she broke up with me.

You're a good guy and her family agrees.

she said "everytime i wanted to confront you, you would get mad" (not true) and she said she hinted at me a lot.

It's normal to feel upset when someone confronts you and it comes as a surprise.

I was at her house when she broke up with me and I stayed there for a 2 weeks after we broke up. It was also my birthday and she spent nearly $200 on gifts and birthday stuff (she bought me 2 cakes as well). She would still hold my hand when we would go places.. but at the same time.. she was talking to this guy constantly on her phone. And as time went by.. she started having feelings for him... and became sexual with him as well (phone sex) which promptly made me leave her house. I was really broken at that point..

She should never have done that to you. Those are some _really_ mixed up messages.

Her best friend told me that she told him that she was completely over me and there would be no chance of me getting back with her. But she's contacted me on her own quite a lot after he told me that.. and when we have conversations, I can still make her laugh and be playful with each other.

Having fun is important to you in relationships and, maybe you view it as a level of intimacy. For example: the way you earlier described the relationship:

Our relationship was filled with fun, activities, outings, travelling, always treated her like a queen

On her Facebook.. she still has all of our romantic pictures up for everyone to see, she still holds on all my gifts to her (from what her family members told me) and in one of our recent conversations she said she want me to give her my favorite pair of slippers...

That's okay. I mean, you were? a part of her life and maybe that's just her way of honouring the relationship?

I really want her back. ..... I dont know how to attack the situation to be on my favor.

This is why I feel like you view it kind of as a game (or whatever that I can't pin point). but in a way that makes you react "that was unexpected, I should try again"

Any help or advice that I can use to make her come back to me?

You need to let her go man. I feel like you two approach relationships from completely different standpoints - for you, positive experiences are very important in relationships and I think that's how you measure them as either being successful or not. But then, I'm only assuming it might be that she likes the 'waves of emotions'. So, I gather that the breakup was unexpected for you but then, I really think you should just let her go. There are plenty of other options for you and women that share your relationship needs and won't do stuff like break up with you and find another guy asap.

P.S she has mentioned a lot to me and her family members that I was an amazing man. But that she just wasn't happy with me she felt disconnected to me and that we were just not compatible but insists on saying I am an amazing guy.

Yeah, you're pretty dedicated and I think you are a good guy. Just try to view this experience for you to understand what is important to you in relationships.
You really need to make peace with yourself. You didn't lose anything, you did the best you could do and honestly, she broke up with you and then went straight to another guy - I mean, if you would get back together. Could you just be all cool about that?

Don't worry - you'll be fine Just let her go, learn from the experience and focus on what makes you happy.

 

[JennyDaniella]

Thank you it means a lot.. like i said.. I think I need to realise stuff and come to peace with myself..

I understand. It’s hard coming to peace with things, especially when you really love and care about the person.

But let’s say for instance, you both hypothetically did get back together. Would things ever be the same? No, it would not.

In the back of your mind, you would be always wondering and constantly thinking, “Was this the right decision? Can I trust her when I am miles away from her? She hurt me pretty badly.”

You still would both be together, but that same level of trust and love will never be the same. Reconciliation usually never works. My ex and I tried almost three times (unhealthy I know) but it never worked out, and I’m glad it didn’t; I’m far more happier now.

It will take some time to heal and move on, but it will be worth it. You will look back and wonder, “What the fuck was I thinking??”

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Don't hate me lol. I could be very wrong - heck, I don't even know you and I'm going off by what you've told us and I respect you for being honest about it. So, don't take my little dissection as something ill natured...but this is what I gather from this.. and, it might not be what you want to hear



This makes me feel like you saw it as some kind of a game. I don't know though and I'm having a hard time pin pointing it to what it is exactly. Whatever, maybe I'm overthinking it.

Fights and arguments can naturally be part of any relationships because well, you are two different people. It just matters how you handle them.

You were probably right.

You're a good guy and her family agrees.

It's normal to feel upset when someone confronts you and it comes as a surprise.

She should never have done that to you. Those are some _really_ mixed up messages.

Having fun is important to you in relationships and, maybe you view it as a level of intimacy. For example: the way you earlier described the relationship:


That's okay. I mean, you were? a part of her life and maybe that's just her way of honouring the relationship?

This is why I feel like you view it kind of as a game (or whatever that I can't pin point). but in a way that makes you react "that was unexpected, I should try again"

You need to let her go man. I feel like you two approach relationships from completely different standpoints - for you, positive experiences are very important in relationships and I think that's how you measure them as either being successful or not. But then, I'm only assuming it might be that she likes the 'waves of emotions'. So, I gather that the breakup was unexpected for you but then, I really think you should just let her go. There are plenty of other options for you and women that share your relationship needs and won't do stuff like break up with you and find another guy asap.

Yeah, you're pretty dedicated and I think you are a good guy. Just try to view this experience for you to understand what is important to you in relationships.
You really need to make peace with yourself. You didn't lose anything, you did the best you could do and honestly, she broke up with you and then went straight to another guy - I mean, if you would get back together. Could you just be all cool about that?

Don't worry - you'll be fine Just let her go, learn from the experience and focus on what makes you happy.

Yeah, I think what @Puzzlenuzzle is trying to say is:

Grow some balls and grow up man.

You need to realise the truth of what's happened here and then reassert your pride.

I know it's hard, man, and you probably love her. But this is why her selfishness has hurt you. Walk.

Walk.

Walk.

Walk.

 

[TheGoodOlDrama]

also, because i've been in the opposite situation
had a girl who i thought was amazing, i always thought that of her, she was making good money, she was pretty and we could have pseudo deep conversations where she actually listened to me, so there was no reason to break up but actually there was, i wasn't feeling love for her and dating other girls at the same time, was it because i thought she was super dependant? perhaps, perhaps that killed the thrill, perhaps it was just something natural in me, i have no clue
but at some point i realized that it was shitty that i kept sexing other girls while having this one saying things like let's move to and marry.
NO. that's wrong.
so yeah, shit is simple, when it doesn't roll, it doesn't roll.

 

[Dixie Normous]

Don't hate me lol. I could be very wrong - heck, I don't even know you and I'm going off by what you've told us and I respect you for being honest about it. So, don't take my little dissection as something ill natured...but this is what I gather from this.. and, it might not be what you want to hear



This makes me feel like you saw it as some kind of a game. I don't know though and I'm having a hard time pin pointing it to what it is exactly. Whatever, maybe I'm overthinking it.

Fights and arguments can naturally be part of any relationships because well, you are two different people. It just matters how you handle them.

You were probably right.

You're a good guy and her family agrees.

It's normal to feel upset when someone confronts you and it comes as a surprise.

She should never have done that to you. Those are some _really_ mixed up messages.

Having fun is important to you in relationships and, maybe you view it as a level of intimacy. For example: the way you earlier described the relationship:


That's okay. I mean, you were? a part of her life and maybe that's just her way of honouring the relationship?

This is why I feel like you view it kind of as a game (or whatever that I can't pin point). but in a way that makes you react "that was unexpected, I should try again"

You need to let her go man. I feel like you two approach relationships from completely different standpoints - for you, positive experiences are very important in relationships and I think that's how you measure them as either being successful or not. But then, I'm only assuming it might be that she likes the 'waves of emotions'. So, I gather that the breakup was unexpected for you but then, I really think you should just let her go. There are plenty of other options for you and women that share your relationship needs and won't do stuff like break up with you and find another guy asap.

Yeah, you're pretty dedicated and I think you are a good guy. Just try to view this experience for you to understand what is important to you in relationships.
You really need to make peace with yourself. You didn't lose anything, you did the best you could do and honestly, she broke up with you and then went straight to another guy - I mean, if you would get back together. Could you just be all cool about that?

Don't worry - you'll be fine Just let her go, learn from the experience and focus on what makes you happy.

Thank you for your honesty,I really appreciate it.

 

[Puzzlenuzzle]

Thank you for your honesty,I really appreciate it.

Lol I was hesitant but basically. Just be you, be content with who you are and let her go. I understand your confusion but you will be fine and like Jenny said you will think back and wonder wtf you were thinking of wanting her back especially once you find someone that meets your needs

 

[noisebloom]

Sorry for what you're going through, man. Lots of good advice in this thread...

Heartbreak is fucking devastating and merciless, but it's also a rare and tremendous learning opportunity. If you let her go, you have a choice: wallow or thrive. You can become twice the man you were, and being single can be incredibly empowering once you start healing.

You will heal stronger than ever before if you pick yourself up and look forward. I know what I've said may sound a bit like a cheesy inspirational cassette you'd pop into your car, but it's true: the possibility for growth after heartbreak is immense.

 

[JennyDaniella]

Sorry for what you're going through, man. Lots of good advice in this thread...

Heartbreak is fucking devastating and merciless, but it's also a rare and tremendous learning opportunity. If you let her go, you have a choice: wallow or thrive. You can become twice the man you were, and being single can be incredibly empowering once you start healing.

You will heal stronger than ever before if you pick yourself up and look forward. I know what I've said may sound a bit like a cheesy inspirational cassette you'd pop into your car, but it's true: the possibility for growth after heartbreak is immense.

This right here. Great words bestie.

Undoubtedly, there will be a lot of growth and strength as a result from this. Everything will be alright though, hang in there.

 

[Dixie Normous]

Sorry for what you're going through, man. Lots of good advice in this thread...

Heartbreak is fucking devastating and merciless, but it's also a rare and tremendous learning opportunity. If you let her go, you have a choice: wallow or thrive. You can become twice the man you were, and being single can be incredibly empowering once you start healing.

You will heal stronger than ever before if you pick yourself up and look forward. I know what I've said may sound a bit like a cheesy inspirational cassette you'd pop into your car, but it's true: the possibility for growth after heartbreak is immense.

Thanks

 

[noisebloom]

I also want to add that this forum is honestly an amazing place to be when you're going through trying times.

I was struggling through the aftermath of two relationships ending when I joined here. It's not always easy to open up for me (though it's much easier online), and all the emoji hugs and such felt a little unnatural. However, I stuck with it, and I have received a lot of very helpful, logical advice from the people here and even made some friends that I'm very glad to have. I can't help but have sort of a soft spot for INFJs now... it maeks me feel weird insidez gawd

Communities like this are rare to find on the web, nowadays. If you decide to stay and post/lurk, I think you'll find that you are welcome here despite your differences (INFJs and ENTJs are very different creatures, as I'm sure you know). There hasn't been a revolt against @Pin (yet).

 

[Deleted member 16771]

I also want to add that this forum is honestly an amazing place to be when you're going through trying times.

I was struggling through the aftermath of two relationships ending when I joined here. It's not always easy to open up for me (though it's much easier online), and all the emoji hugs and such felt a little unnatural. However, I stuck with it, and I have received a lot of very helpful, logical advice from the people here and even made some friends that I'm very glad to have. I can't help but have sort of a soft spot for INFJs now... it maeks me feel weird insidez gawd

Communities like this are rare to find on the web, nowadays. If you decide to stay and post/lurk, I think you'll find that you are welcome here despite your differences (INFJs and ENTJs are very different creatures, as I'm sure you know). There hasn't been a revolt against @Pin (yet).

Sorry, I tried one but failed. https://www.infjs.com/threads/peers-of-god-vs-pinisters.35646/

Start a revolution at your own risk.

Hail, @Pin!

 

[Midnight Harlequin]

Hi everyone,
I am an ENTJ, I met my ex girlfriend 2 years ago and we clicked right away, she fell in love with me with almost no effort on my part. I think my charisma did all the work to be honest.. anyway.. we dated for 2 years and it was a long distance relationship, but I made it work. I would drive regularly to her house to make sure we had physical contact with each other. Our relationship was filled with fun, activities, outings, travelling, always treated her like a queen.. however i've had my good loads of immaturity like.. losing a game.. i wouldn't take it well. Romance was obviously not my strong side as well. We had our share of fights and arguments. But I honestly didn't think much of it. I often asked her to talk to me when I knew there was something wrong, like I could feel something was bothering her, but she would insist that everything was fine.. Her whole family absolutely adores me, they think I am a keeper and they just have good things to say about me, they dont understand why she broke up with me. And.... her reasons are very very inconsistent. She says one thing then the other day she says another thing.. it's as if she doesn't even know herself why she broke up with me or she knows but doesn't want to say the real reason. Also.. when she broke up with me,she listed alllllllllll the things I had done wrong throughout the relationship. I told her why she didn't tell me before and she said "everytime i wanted to confront you, you would get mad" (not true) and she said she hinted at me a lot.

I was at her house when she broke up with me and I stayed there for a 2 weeks after we broke up. It was also my birthday and she spent nearly $200 on gifts and birthday stuff (she bought me 2 cakes as well). She would still hold my hand when we would go places.. but at the same time.. she was talking to this guy constantly on her phone. And as time went by.. she started having feelings for him... and became sexual with him as well (phone sex) which promptly made me leave her house. I was really broken at that point..

It's been like 5 weeks now and she found out recently that the guy she was talking to wasn't quite honest with her and that his ex girlfriend came back into the picture with his kid. It made her feel ashamed, conflicted,confused and she was super hurt. She told her best friend that she was going to stop talking to him but she still insists on keeping contact with him.

Meanwhile.. we haven't really been in touch. I was advised to give her a lot of space and to go on a no contact with her.
Her best friend told me that she told him that she was completely over me and there would be no chance of me getting back with her. But she's contacted me on her own quite a lot after he told me that.. and when we have conversations, I can still make her laugh and be playful with each other. But at the same time.. sometimes she seems very very uninterested not engaged in conversations and she still makes a point to talk to that guy.. which I know she still feels for him. Which makes me wonder if she still feels for me..

On her Facebook.. she still has all of our romantic pictures up for everyone to see, she still holds on all my gifts to her (from what her family members told me) and in one of our recent conversations she said she want me to give her my favorite pair of slippers...

I really want her back. I just don't know how to go about it anymore.. she gives me a lot of mixed signals. I dont know how to attack the situation to be on my favor.

Any help or advice that I can use to make her come back to me?


P.S she has mentioned a lot to me and her family members that I was an amazing man. But that she just wasn't happy with me she felt disconnected to me and that we were just not compatible but insists on saying I am an amazing guy.

So, we have to keep in mind we are only getting a one-sided story. Anger is a big thing with INFJ's, if you had issues over a board game, she may have assumed you would get angry at other things as well. I doubt she would go through the pain and anguish of breaking up with you on your birthday! if it wasn't done. It seems she is in the memorabilia phase of the break up... She wants to remember the good times, but if she listed everything she thought you did wrong in the relationship without caring if you got angry or not, she has definitely moved on.

You, on the other hand are on the hook, your shot up with an emotional cocktail of love, a shadow of happiness and what was. It comforts her that your still on the hook like a safety net in case she hits rock bottom.

The best thing for you, whether you want her back or not, is to forget about her. "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was." Is a time tested adage, that still holds true.

If you choose to take this advice, this will be the most difficult thing you have done in your life. You have to get off her hook, usually this requires a combination of no contact and dating other people. Love, however, is a drug, that when unrequited, there is a period of withdrawal and it sucks. If you can, abandon your stuff if it's not important, if you have to go back, stay with her friend or hotel and do not talk or hangout with her. Otherwise, "bam" back on the hook you go...

You cannot be friends with her, at least not in the short term, take a few months or a year to get over her, then maybe, but kick the drug first, don't think about getting back together because it won't work. The more you chase the more she will run.

This comes from experience, though, I've been through what your going through many times. Heartbreak, is an old friend and I wish this was advice given to me. You (and her) have made mistakes, learn from them and move on. Mistakes are a normal part of growing and part of maturing. You have some growing to do and so does she, it's a normal part of life.

(*All advice is given for entertainment purposes only, and not subject to lawsuit. If you're dumb enough to listen to advice from crazy strangers on the internet, then it's all on you buddy)

 

[noisebloom]

Find a new girlfriend, preferably one that looks like a supermodel and sucks like a Hoover.

 

[Wyote]

(INFJs and ENTJs are very different creatures, as I'm sure you know). There hasn't been a revolt against @Pin (yet).

One of the best admins here long ago was an entj named @TheLastMohican

 

[JennyDaniella]

One of the best admins here long ago was an entj named @TheLastMohican

And he is holding the ‘The Wordly Philosophers’ book on his avi. I approve.

 

[Dixie Normous]

You guys are cool. I'm glad I found this website.

 

[JennyDaniella]

You guys are cool. I'm glad I found this website.

Same! It’s a great forum. Many wonderful, accepting people here! Developed great friendships on this forum.

 

[Dixie Normous]

Same! It’s a great forum. Many wonderful, accepting people here! Developed great friendships on this forum.

I can see that, I'm hoping maybe I can do the same now haha
I need new people in my life

 

[JennyDaniella]

I can see that, I'm hoping maybe I can do the same now haha
I need new people in my life

Haha well you found the right place!

 

[Dixie Normous]