Love-Shyness | INFJ Forum

Love-Shyness

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by darkstar, Feb 9, 2009.

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  1. darkstar

    darkstar Community Member

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    How many here fit the bill?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love-shyness

    Or you can try the SHI inventory test (internet explorer only unfortunately)
    at www.love-shy.com

    A few people on their forums seem to think that INTJ or INFJ is an indicator of this.

    Just wondering since I saw some of the signs in another post here.
     
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  2. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    That sounds alot like me, and alot not like me in some ways. Only difference is I am homosexual. This would explain alot why I generally avoid guys, lol.
     
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  3. Silently Honest

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    That test doesn't work.
     
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  4. Lurker

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    If I was a guy I'd be screwed (or not) :rolleyes:

    You Scored 63

    These are the typical scores for some groups of men

    Self-Confidant Non-Shy Men: 114.3
    Healthy College Males: 103.9
    Young(University) Love-Shy Men: 47.8
    Older Love-Shy Men: 38.6


    I can see how INxJ men would score low here *curses the ill-fated attraction to love-shyness in men* One of the reasons social expectations of men being supposed to take the initiative to make a move sucks, shy guys are left out a lot. Problem is there are plenty of women interested if only they would indicate their interest, but alas, that's the problem.
     
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  5. Cuddle Donor

    Cuddle Donor Community Member

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    :) Cheeky.

    I got 77. Far better than I expected. The test wasn't especially convincing though. Some situations you're basically forced to talk to the person.

    I still think I'm pretty shy in most cases. I do believe it is silly that a lot of women are stuck in the mindset that men are the ones who must be assertive, but it's their decision to change that attitude and not mine. As such I don't want to sit around and hope for that to happen.
     
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  6. TK*

    TK* Community Member

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    You Scored 90

    These are the typical scores for some groups of men

    Self-Confidant Non-Shy Men:114.3Healthy College Males:103.9Young(University) Love-Shy Men:47.8Older Love-Shy Men:38.6

    If I was a guy I would totally score all the babes. Even as a girl, I act more like a guy anyways, lol. :D
     
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    Now the link worked. Of course I had to change the wording to fit me, but I got 53...
     
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  8. OP
    darkstar

    darkstar Community Member

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    You remind me of a regular we have over on their forum... oops, I just ousted myself... LOL.

    Anyway, the reasons we often don't show interest are 1) we have in the past and been burned, badly. (strung along, rejected time after time) and 2)We can't tell when a woman is interested "in that way" or is just being friendly. It is usually us who get stuck in the dreaded "friendzone".

    "Problem is there are plenty of women interested if only they would indicate their interest, but alas, that's the problem." So my question is, how the heck do we tell?
     
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  9. OP
    darkstar

    darkstar Community Member

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    Only works in internet explorer. Unless you are referring to it's internal validity.
     
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  10. Silently Honest

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    81
     
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  11. hughnibley

    hughnibley Regular Poster

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    You Scored 140

    These are the typical scores for some groups of men

    Self-Confidant Non-Shy Men: 114.3
    Healthy College Males: 103.9
    Young(University) Love-Shy Men: 47.8
    Older Love-Shy Men: 38.6

    I AM SOME SORT OF LOVE GOD.

    Except, I hardly ever date anymore. Sad.
     
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  12. Lurker

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    I can relate to the two points you make all to well.

    In answer to 'how the heck do we tell?' there is no simple answer, guys have different levels of shyness and friendliness so do women, you just have to take risks when you meet someone you think is worth it, I know no other way. Leaving it up to the other person to make all the moves may result in an uneven relationship and in my case it's pretty much always results in a relationship with the wrong person. For the record I am not someone who believes that a guy should have to make all the first moves... prolly cause I'm attracted to shy-guys and can't very well wait for them to find the nerve.

    I scored pretty low in the love-shyness test and that does fit however when I meet a guy I'm interested in I am prepared to put myself out there to risk rejection, I have two speeds; shy and direct, both can send the wrong message but only the second one will allow someone to see that I am interested. Sometimes this works, sometimes it sucks but I'd rather not question myself months/years later wondering about what opportunities I've missed, I think that would be worse than rejection.

    Don’t think there’s an easier way than just trying.
     
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  13. KingOfSpades

    KingOfSpades Community Member

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    The test doesn't work for me (and I am loathe to install internet explorer) but I checked out the Wiki. It's an interesting hypothesis. I've only had two very serious relationships in my life, but based on the Wiki I would not be classified as "love-shy". I definitely have some sensitivies to stimuli, and interestingly enough I was born premature and with a C-section. on the other hand, I don't stalk/stare at women and generally don't have much anxiety talking to them -- although I certainly did growing up. But didn't a lot of other guys as well? Also, I hate broadway shows, haha.

    My thought is that we live in a culture which is so programmed with unrealistic notions of male-female relationships. I mean, just look at Hollywood and all the romantic storylines with cheesy acting with beautiful people. I think that stuff really brainwashes people into thinking their lives will be fantastical like that. So there's this anxiety that gets created between men and women because each side has these incredinbly unrealistic expectations about what the other person is supposed to do for them. In all these movies, everyone is so incredibly unhappy until they meet their soulmate and then live happily ever after. that sounds a lot like a relationship based on NEED and not LOVE.

    Also, I do think there are weird norms about masculinity in western culture. The ideal Western man, or at least American man, is depicted as being the frat stud or the corporate shark. However, I think men like these are really just boys. In my view, real masculinity incorporates a lot of sensitivity and a capacity for compassion/emotion. If you study famous Indigenous american leaders you see that they were almost the opposite of these stereotypes -- a capacity to listen, to emote, to express themselves with sensitivity, but also to be fiercely war-like when needed (I'm thinking of Tecumseh and Chief Joseph, two men I very much respect).

    Anyway, my working hypothesis is that men who are more sensitive are not given positive role models about how to incorporate that sensitivity into a healthy sense of masculinity and in particular, how to view that sensitivity as a characteristic that would be attractive to women. As a result, they get very anxious and scared when it comes to male-female relations.

    As a side note, I also think women are given some pretty ludicrious social expectations as well (sorority girl/'desparate housewife',etc.)

    I guess you could say I think the mass media does a lot to provide unrealistic expectations about what relationships are like between men and women -- and even what a man is, or what a woman is. maybe that's what leads to love-shyness.
     
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  14. OP
    darkstar

    darkstar Community Member

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    This is one of the big debates we have on the other forum, basically niceGuyand the completeGuy™.

    The first begins and ends with nice, i.e. nothing more, whereas the second is not the badBoybut really is nice, but also adventurous, driven, confident etc.
    Pretty much, I have tried for all the ones that counted. I'm a whole lot less "love-shy" than I was 2 years ago, I just fail to build attraction in the first place.
     
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    #14 darkstar, Feb 11, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2009
  15. KingOfSpades

    KingOfSpades Community Member

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    Haha, that's so interesting!! and trademarked!! I love it.

    Just based on this description I tend to think there's some truth to that. But being a completeGuy (TM!) means losing a lot of that need as well -- the need to be accepted by anyone, even a pretty girl. I truly believe that if you are confident inside, if you are centered and know who you are, that resonates in your whole life and things just come to you naturally....
     
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  16. J. Cardigan

    J. Cardigan Community Member

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    I got 83, although in my case a lot of these scenarios are unlikely. I *wish* I had some random hot girls adjusting their mailbox next to mine. I will sign, seal, and deliver :cool:

    I'm getting better, but I still come off as awkward a lot of the time. I'm slowly learning that a lot of girls are the same way and that I shouldn't worry about it.
     
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  17. OP
    darkstar

    darkstar Community Member

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    And on the LS forum we go around and around bout what the word "confidence" (often abbreviated as the 'C' word) really means.

    The accepted definition there is "Previous accomplishment" or, "What you have done before you can do again".

    Also, what do you mean by "losing a lot of need"? Like losing the need for acceptance (from pretty girls) or that losing the need makes you completeGuy?
     
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  18. PsilocinProject

    PsilocinProject Community Member

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    I got 90 too and I can hardly score all the babes. ;_;


    You should read about the Anima and Animus; as theorized by Carl Jung.
    Pretty much, you explained the process of properly understanding the Anima of males... Which is usually also the shadow for males, and vice-versa for fames(But with the Animus).
     
    #18 PsilocinProject, Feb 11, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2009
  19. Lurker

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    Out of curiosity, have you found being in that kind of environment has helped you with approaching women?
     
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  20. OP
    darkstar

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    LOL, if you're referring to the their forum, it does give like-minded individuals a place to gather and rant (releasing emotional buildup). Many of their members claim to be INTJ though. (reason I joined this forum is to be around more "F"s in general) :)

    To answer your question, yes, it does help in the sense that it's like a support group. Speaking of "approaching", 2008 was pretty much wasted in that area by me buying into the "Pick Up Artist" junk the first half and wasted on that girl teh second half.

    INFJ's do have a hard time moving on from bad relationships, and in my case that is true even if there was no relationship.
     
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