INFJ female in a relationship with ISFP male
Hi there,
I'm a female INFJ with a male ISFP and I have to say that it was great in the beginning. He is very charming and silly and we spent most of our first year doing nothing but laughing at sillyness.
Now we have been together for 4.5 years and i find myself feeling very unfullfilled and lonely. He spends most of his time in his "office" playing video games, won't leave the house unless it's for work, and refuses to have any serious conversations with me about feelings or really most other things that i enjoy talking about. Most of the time he won't kiss me or hug me in a serious way (he does it in a joking silly "locker room pat on the back" way).
Don't get me wrong, I love him very much and he does show me a lot of affection but it's in a way that doesn't make me feel the connection that I long for. I love him so much but I almost wish I knew then what I know now, i might have made different choices. Then again, he is so charming I may not have been able to resist
Hello everyone,
This is my first ever post so please bear with me. I realise this thread is quite old now but I am a female INFJ in a relationship with someone who I am convinced is an ISFP. I'm quite certain that I don't have any other ISFP's in my life so I too am hoping to get some insight into this personality type... have tried searching for ISFP forums but there appears to be a shortage of them so I have posted here instead!
Please note that the intention of my post is to try to get better insight in relation to the ISFP male and how to improve relations between us, I don't mean to judge anyone and I understand that a relationship is more than just about personalities so I'm hoping you can pick up on individual characteristics/factors that I may not be aware of myself.
To make a long story short, I have been great friends with a (suspected) ISFP for the last ten years. We had amazing chemistry as friends. I found him fun, caring, affectionate, charming, funny and basically wonderful. I had originally had him picked as an ENFP because he was very sociable, entertaining, extroverted; seemed very attuned to my feelings; loving, affectionate, generous, and very easy going, laid back and spontaneous.
Just over 10 months ago we were both single and went from just friends to dating. It was a little difficult at the beginning because we lived 3,000kms apart and so basically it was a long distance relationship for 6 months. I say it was difficult but we talked every day and it developed into a strong relationship considering the circumstances. We had no fights or arguments.
I had decided pretty early i.e. about 9 months ago that I wanted to relocate to where he was in order to be closer to him (as well as other things like further my career, expand my horizons etc) So after 2-3 months of planning I sold my car, organised landlord insurance, a property manager, rented out my property, hired removalists, convinced my boss to give me a transfer... all of which I basically did on my own and it was very very stressful but rewarding in the end.
The original plan was to crash at my partner's place for a month at the most while I got settled and then move into my own place. Eventually a month turned into 4+ and I'm still living with him. It has been an adjustment for both us and I started to suspect I was wrong about him being an ENFP after a couple of arguments over the past few months and also some of my observations. Recently I convinced him to take an MBTI perrsonality test and he tested ISFP. The FP wasn't a surprise, and I have realised he is not an extrovert (except when he wants to be in some social situations... very confusing!) However, the S definitely was. Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's any major problems in our relationship but he definitely fits the ISFP profile more than ENFP so I want to know more. Plus I absolutely love him to bits, and the relationship is far from being in serious trouble. Actually it would have to be my most satisfying relationship so far, perhaps I am being preemptive and seeing problems that are not there...
Anyway, issues that I am starting to see crop up more than once are:
His lack of respect/consideration for my need to plan. I am a SERIOUS planner. I don't like being unprepared.
My lack of understanding of his preference for spontanaeity. Several times I have been really p*ssed off by him either saying yes to a social engagement and then bailing, which has resulted in him not committing at all to any social engagement with me... I get the standard "I'll play it by ear" which basically means 'it depends how I feel the hour before'.
Several times he has told me I need to give him "space". In the beginning I found this really confusing as we are both introverts and I can be very detached and in my head both at work and at home. Yes I am affectionate but I don't believe I'm smothering. We don't even 'chat' during the day, at most we will email a couple of times at work. I'm also very independent so when I'm not spending time with him, I'm out going for a walk, going to personal training, going shopping, catching up with friends. Basically I felt I gave him plenty of space. I am sooo confused about this! As I type, I am listening to my ipod and he's sitting right next to me gaming online. I have suggested that I move out and find my own place as I had originally planned but the only times he has agreed to that is when we have argued.
He's so indirect... he doesn't tell me what he wants from me, no specifics, no feedback. He tells me he loves me the way I am but problems come up when we have arguments. However, I too have not spoken up to him about things that I wasn't happy about.
To finish off, I love this guy very much and want to make things better. I guess my fear is that we end up becoming lonely and unfullfilled, more like housemates than a fulfilling relationship. If there are any ISFP males out there, help a girl out
Thanks for listening.
