ISFP and INFJ relationships
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- Start date
Why don't you try asking him what he would
like to talk about or what he would like to
receive as gifts. I think he might have a better
idea of this than strangers that don't know him.
Hi, @winter moon!
First off, congrats on setting everything in order and up-ending your life. I did something similar, though on a smaller scale (no property to worry about), and it was very stressful. So, kudos to you for pulling it all off!
Guys are different. When guys are stressed, they need to retreat to The Man Cave. It's a place where they're not confronted with personal problems. For an introvert, he needs to be alone. Often he'll play video games, read the paper, do something mindless for a while. Rest assured girls - he'll come out again. It sounds strange, but guys need distance to de-stress. Playing games or reading the paper etc give him something tangible he can do. It's sort of like he's avoiding a flooded area, and waiting for the flood to recede before wading in again. Anyway, just like girls need someone to go down the well with them, guys *need* to know that it's okay for them to go into The Man Cave for a while. If they feel like it's a problem for you if he retreats, he'll usually still retreat, but he'll be stressed about the girl's reaction. This can easily become a vicious cycle because the very thing he's doing (retreating) is adding to his stress. (In which case, it'll be a LONG time before he'll come out of it. And he'll still be afraid.) Once he's de-stressed himself, he'll come out again, and he'll be much stronger for it. That's why guys say they need space. It's okay to give him space. Trust that he loves you, and that he'll come back.
I suggest you have a chat with him about this. Make it clear that it's okay for him to go into the Man Cave, but also make it clear that when you're stressed you need someone to go down the well and be willing to go through all the emotions with you.
If he's been playing a LOT of video games lately, I wonder if he has stress that he's not dealing with effectively? Maybe he's doing his best, and maybe he doesn't know how to do better. I have often turned to video games for my Man Cave retreats, and it really didn't help me or my relationships or my "job" (getting a doctorate degree). I spent so much time in them that I had no time for organizing my life, studying, spending time with my girlfriend... It was just a vicious cycle.
That's why I suggest talking with him about his stress. Once you both understand how the other works, then you can figure out how to handle these things. And I know - he doesn't like to plan. But trust me, if you show that you're willing to give him the green light on the Man Cave, he'll be all ears and willing to plan! (At least willing to plan that much. And chances are, he'll become more willing to commit to things over time.)
Wow, that was a long schpeel! Double kudos if you made it all the way through!
First off, congrats on setting everything in order and up-ending your life. I did something similar, though on a smaller scale (no property to worry about), and it was very stressful. So, kudos to you for pulling it all off!
Maybe not. My girlfriend and I have recently been working through several issues. They were minor on the surface, but they grated on us, and our relationship is definitely the better for having addressed them. (She's INFJ too, btw, so I can't offer an insights MBTI-wise.) Just be careful in how you approach the issues.
That's a classic guy line. My girlfriend related this analogy to me, and I think it'll help you too. (I think it's from Women are from Venus, maybe?) When girls are stressed, it's like a well of water. They need someone to go with them down into the well, "sitting with" each emotion as it comes up, then moving on to the next one. When you reach the bottom, if the girl feels she's been heard and valued and loved, she will typically feel far less stressed, much more resolved, and very loving. I'm basing this part off my girlfriend - results may vary.
Guys are different. When guys are stressed, they need to retreat to The Man Cave. It's a place where they're not confronted with personal problems. For an introvert, he needs to be alone. Often he'll play video games, read the paper, do something mindless for a while. Rest assured girls - he'll come out again. It sounds strange, but guys need distance to de-stress. Playing games or reading the paper etc give him something tangible he can do. It's sort of like he's avoiding a flooded area, and waiting for the flood to recede before wading in again. Anyway, just like girls need someone to go down the well with them, guys *need* to know that it's okay for them to go into The Man Cave for a while. If they feel like it's a problem for you if he retreats, he'll usually still retreat, but he'll be stressed about the girl's reaction. This can easily become a vicious cycle because the very thing he's doing (retreating) is adding to his stress. (In which case, it'll be a LONG time before he'll come out of it. And he'll still be afraid.) Once he's de-stressed himself, he'll come out again, and he'll be much stronger for it. That's why guys say they need space. It's okay to give him space. Trust that he loves you, and that he'll come back.
I suggest you have a chat with him about this. Make it clear that it's okay for him to go into the Man Cave, but also make it clear that when you're stressed you need someone to go down the well and be willing to go through all the emotions with you.
If he's been playing a LOT of video games lately, I wonder if he has stress that he's not dealing with effectively? Maybe he's doing his best, and maybe he doesn't know how to do better. I have often turned to video games for my Man Cave retreats, and it really didn't help me or my relationships or my "job" (getting a doctorate degree). I spent so much time in them that I had no time for organizing my life, studying, spending time with my girlfriend... It was just a vicious cycle.
That's why I suggest talking with him about his stress. Once you both understand how the other works, then you can figure out how to handle these things. And I know - he doesn't like to plan. But trust me, if you show that you're willing to give him the green light on the Man Cave, he'll be all ears and willing to plan! (At least willing to plan that much. And chances are, he'll become more willing to commit to things over time.)
Wow, that was a long schpeel! Double kudos if you made it all the way through!
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The ISFP I know is also male, he is a pretty responsible and stand up guy. His humor ranges from dry to sardonic. He loves to talk about carpentry, engines and mechanical stuff, he rides dirtbikes, hunts, hikes, and learns as much as he can about whatever hobbies and skills he is currently learning and working on. He is an incredible craftsman, and he loves extreme sports, oh and heavy metal. He is distrustful of people in general, but I chalk that up to him having a psycho mom and brother and a father who was total loser.
I think he is a pretty cool guy, except for when he gets into one of his moods, he can be touchy and grumpy sometimes.
I think he is a pretty cool guy, except for when he gets into one of his moods, he can be touchy and grumpy sometimes.
I could never imagine being in a serious relationship with any SP type.
They feel like the ultimate casual friends, but from my limited experience I've learned that I REALLY hate what makes SP's tick on a deeper level (spontaneity, open relationships, etc), and they tend to hate what makes NJ's tick on a deeper level too (structure, interpersonal values, etc).
The part inside of me that admires and loves to be involved with spontaneous minded people just doesn't work well with that kind of behavior on a deeper level than casual friend. I love it, but it's like cake - too much or having it at the wrong time is seriously bad for me.
I think something serious could work out in special circumstances or if the two people involved are seriously mature. Otherwise I feel like conflict will happen too much for anything long term to have validity. Especially since the SP I've gotten to know didn't care about anything long term at all. He just wanted his day-to-day instant gratification, complained about most types of responsibility, and was a serious basket-case. I do realize it is a case by case thing, I am just stating from my point of view. I wouldn't mind the above traits so much if it was a casual friend.
They feel like the ultimate casual friends, but from my limited experience I've learned that I REALLY hate what makes SP's tick on a deeper level (spontaneity, open relationships, etc), and they tend to hate what makes NJ's tick on a deeper level too (structure, interpersonal values, etc).
The part inside of me that admires and loves to be involved with spontaneous minded people just doesn't work well with that kind of behavior on a deeper level than casual friend. I love it, but it's like cake - too much or having it at the wrong time is seriously bad for me.
I think something serious could work out in special circumstances or if the two people involved are seriously mature. Otherwise I feel like conflict will happen too much for anything long term to have validity. Especially since the SP I've gotten to know didn't care about anything long term at all. He just wanted his day-to-day instant gratification, complained about most types of responsibility, and was a serious basket-case. I do realize it is a case by case thing, I am just stating from my point of view. I wouldn't mind the above traits so much if it was a casual friend.
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Hi Bird,
Thanks for the reply! Yeah you're right perhaps I am obsessing about the certain things in the relationship not being 'perfect'. Realistically, all relationships have their ups and downs, doesn't mean the end of the world.
I'm still interested in gaining an insight from INFJs who have had or are in relationships with ISFPs, or from ISFPs themselves - both the good parts and difficult parts in the relationship?
Hi Milon!
Re: up-ending my life. Yes it was very stressful for me so its nice to know someone understands how I felt at the time. Kudos to you too!
I do understand that men (in general) want to retreat into their Man Caves from time to time - I guess what I have somewhat failed to articulate is that I don't understand how he thinks I'm not giving him space?
But I'm starting to understand now that I need to trust that he loves me - and let him be.
He is playing video games and introverting more and more and I suppose it didn't occur to me that it might be due to stress. I'll have a think about how I can 'draw' the stress out of him and help him relax in a more loving and supportive way. I have tried doing this once or twice before but I think maybe my delivery was off and the vibe I got from him was that he felt attacked... not my intention at all of course!
Basically, I guess my intention is to understand myself as much as it is to understand him and try to be a more loving and accepting partner because this does mean so much to me. The good news is that he is starting to show a bit more consideration for my need for planning and I am making an effort to be more spontaneous and go with the flow... so we're making progress
Thanks again, hope all goes well between you and your girlfriend
Its late here so good night!
Re: up-ending my life. Yes it was very stressful for me so its nice to know someone understands how I felt at the time. Kudos to you too!
I do understand that men (in general) want to retreat into their Man Caves from time to time - I guess what I have somewhat failed to articulate is that I don't understand how he thinks I'm not giving him space?
But I'm starting to understand now that I need to trust that he loves me - and let him be.
He is playing video games and introverting more and more and I suppose it didn't occur to me that it might be due to stress. I'll have a think about how I can 'draw' the stress out of him and help him relax in a more loving and supportive way. I have tried doing this once or twice before but I think maybe my delivery was off and the vibe I got from him was that he felt attacked... not my intention at all of course!
Basically, I guess my intention is to understand myself as much as it is to understand him and try to be a more loving and accepting partner because this does mean so much to me. The good news is that he is starting to show a bit more consideration for my need for planning and I am making an effort to be more spontaneous and go with the flow... so we're making progress
Thanks again, hope all goes well between you and your girlfriend
Its late here so good night!
INFJ + ISFP here
Hi there, I know this is a bit late and what not.
But I was having big problems with my girlfriend, so I decided to figure out which of these she was.
I am an INFJ and she's an ISFP.
Remember that INFJ's can be relatively rigid people. Because of our need to help others, even if they don't accept it, you get in the way of the ISFP's want to live their own self made structure of life.
i.e. I live a very constructed organized life as an engineering student, and she's an artist who works at a dry cleaners.
I moved in with her and was constantly cleaning her room and organizing things, even though she had her own (very disorganized looking) way to do things. Very spontaneous.
They're also serious about what they're passionate about. If you're lucky enough to have them share their inner thoughts with you, do not joke. Take them seriously and show them genuine interest.
I love her with all my heart and I won't fail.
It can work. You as the INFJ just have to remember to give them space.
Hi there, I know this is a bit late and what not.
But I was having big problems with my girlfriend, so I decided to figure out which of these she was.
I am an INFJ and she's an ISFP.
Remember that INFJ's can be relatively rigid people. Because of our need to help others, even if they don't accept it, you get in the way of the ISFP's want to live their own self made structure of life.
i.e. I live a very constructed organized life as an engineering student, and she's an artist who works at a dry cleaners.
I moved in with her and was constantly cleaning her room and organizing things, even though she had her own (very disorganized looking) way to do things. Very spontaneous.
They're also serious about what they're passionate about. If you're lucky enough to have them share their inner thoughts with you, do not joke. Take them seriously and show them genuine interest.
I love her with all my heart and I won't fail.
It can work. You as the INFJ just have to remember to give them space.
I totally agree. Try for yourself. Not all ISFPs are the same, nor are all INFJs - and two individuals have unique chemistry (intellectual, social, emotional, sexual) regardless of personality types. I personally - INFJ, have an intense emotional connection with an ISFP. It's not intense every day (no one's is), but we ebb and flow with intensity. We both need it and that's what we love about "us". We also have good-great sex. We also have very similar values, goals and ways of seeing the world. People comment that's not true about INFJ-ISFP. It's all about chemistry. Won't be compatible with alll INFJ-ISFP combos - but when there is a good one - it's AMAZING. The kind people envy. Romeo and Juliet. Go for it!!
I just want to add my two cents...
first off I'd like to acknowledge all the contributions that ISFPs have made and the contributions by others regarding their experience with ISFPs... my personal experience matches exactly what you have expressed.
who I wish to speak to are my fellow INFJs... since I am an INFJ, I can pick out all your errors in judgment flawlessly! and I feel I have some powerful things to share with you that will actually answer what you're seeking to know!
I have been in love with an ISFP for three and a half years now... it has been a long and rocky road! and this summer has represented my biggest hurdle with him yet! and I am still yet to know if we will ever be more than just friends... but I knew in the beginning that he was going to carve my soul... with love (not necessarily pain).
first off, as an INFJ myself, we need to appreciate that we have an extroverted feeling function and an extroverted sensing function... other sources list in detail the various functions that we primarily engage in... keep this in mind as I share further...
what I see most in the postings from the INFJs is they're trying to predict what the ISFP needs and that's the first wrong thing to do! there's this tendency to complicate more than what is there... ISFPs don't "need" caring for in the way that we try to care for others... they are in the "flow" ... a concept only mature INFJs begin to grasp...
you know that deep spiritual side that we have? we can be Zen and eventually we do become Zen... we are like the Age Old Masters of the past ie druids or like the Lord of the Rings wizards... we are Gandalfs... this is the function you need to engage when attempting to connect more deeply with an ISFP.
so this is the lotus flower I want to offer my fellow INFJs who are in love with isfps: what you need to learn isn't how to predict them or care for them or do for them what you do for everyone else... you need to learn to tune in to the flow in which they are flowing, and then you will begin to learn how to move WITH them...
is this not what INFJs all do? it's just the ISFP is such a different ilk and engages such a different part of our functional stack... I think this is why we learn so much from them! and what makes them so irresistibly attractive to us! they offer us a level and measure of personal and spiritual growth not readily attainable with other types...
in other words the very gift INFJs offered to the world - creating harmony through shared values - is achieved very differently with an ISFP. the core value of the ISFP we need to tune into is there deep rooted Center...
if you're not "finding" your isfp that is the why!
there are few INFJs in this world, and I have only met two others in the 45 years I have walked this planet... so for all those on the outside looking into my little fish tank what I mean by "finding" is the deep empathy INFJs tend to walk with on this Earth...
it's the how and how we do things... it's what made Martin Luther King Jr so incredible.. and Gandhi... and I think Nelson Mandela was also an INFJ ...
ISFPs are ALSO deep empaths...
the personal description that has evolved within me on my journey with my ISFP adventure: he is the Monk, and I am the Mystic.
the ultimate takeaway is to stop trying to figure out your ISFP...focus very simply on BEING PRESENT ...
and for an INFJ to be "present" we must engage and that expanded pervasive Zen side of ourselves...
there is no need to complicate with the ISFP ... they're extraordinarily simple, and hence but the INFJ keeps getting lost!
first off I'd like to acknowledge all the contributions that ISFPs have made and the contributions by others regarding their experience with ISFPs... my personal experience matches exactly what you have expressed.
who I wish to speak to are my fellow INFJs... since I am an INFJ, I can pick out all your errors in judgment flawlessly! and I feel I have some powerful things to share with you that will actually answer what you're seeking to know!
I have been in love with an ISFP for three and a half years now... it has been a long and rocky road! and this summer has represented my biggest hurdle with him yet! and I am still yet to know if we will ever be more than just friends... but I knew in the beginning that he was going to carve my soul... with love (not necessarily pain).
first off, as an INFJ myself, we need to appreciate that we have an extroverted feeling function and an extroverted sensing function... other sources list in detail the various functions that we primarily engage in... keep this in mind as I share further...
what I see most in the postings from the INFJs is they're trying to predict what the ISFP needs and that's the first wrong thing to do! there's this tendency to complicate more than what is there... ISFPs don't "need" caring for in the way that we try to care for others... they are in the "flow" ... a concept only mature INFJs begin to grasp...
you know that deep spiritual side that we have? we can be Zen and eventually we do become Zen... we are like the Age Old Masters of the past ie druids or like the Lord of the Rings wizards... we are Gandalfs... this is the function you need to engage when attempting to connect more deeply with an ISFP.
so this is the lotus flower I want to offer my fellow INFJs who are in love with isfps: what you need to learn isn't how to predict them or care for them or do for them what you do for everyone else... you need to learn to tune in to the flow in which they are flowing, and then you will begin to learn how to move WITH them...
is this not what INFJs all do? it's just the ISFP is such a different ilk and engages such a different part of our functional stack... I think this is why we learn so much from them! and what makes them so irresistibly attractive to us! they offer us a level and measure of personal and spiritual growth not readily attainable with other types...
in other words the very gift INFJs offered to the world - creating harmony through shared values - is achieved very differently with an ISFP. the core value of the ISFP we need to tune into is there deep rooted Center...
if you're not "finding" your isfp that is the why!
there are few INFJs in this world, and I have only met two others in the 45 years I have walked this planet... so for all those on the outside looking into my little fish tank what I mean by "finding" is the deep empathy INFJs tend to walk with on this Earth...
it's the how and how we do things... it's what made Martin Luther King Jr so incredible.. and Gandhi... and I think Nelson Mandela was also an INFJ ...
ISFPs are ALSO deep empaths...
the personal description that has evolved within me on my journey with my ISFP adventure: he is the Monk, and I am the Mystic.
the ultimate takeaway is to stop trying to figure out your ISFP...focus very simply on BEING PRESENT ...
and for an INFJ to be "present" we must engage and that expanded pervasive Zen side of ourselves...
there is no need to complicate with the ISFP ... they're extraordinarily simple, and hence but the INFJ keeps getting lost!
sorry for the typos... you only have 5 minutes in which you're allowed to edit so lots of the "ands" were supposed to be "ins" ... this is my first post ever in this form! and I want to acknowledge I definitely seem very much on my "high horse" ... that's just my very intensive ideals speaking because I have had to pull from so deep within myself and from so far out in the world to grasp the sensing world of this introverted feeling perceiver...️
I LOOOOOVE this!
Sooo much better said than how I said...
from:
https://personalitygrowth.com/heres-what-the-soul-mate-of-each-personality-type-looks-like/
Sooo much better said than how I said...
from:
https://personalitygrowth.com/heres-what-the-soul-mate-of-each-personality-type-looks-like/
