For what it is worth..............there is a World Wide 12 step group for the issue of co-dependency. 2. You'd probably need a medium sized truck to move the books written on why co-dependency (any manner of co-dependency) is not good for anyone. Co-dependency can get to life threatening under the right circumstances.
Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with a person who has low self esteem/worth?
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I don't think it's permanent; but, I can't try to be friends with someone on a condition that they will be different. I have to accept them as they are now. Which at the moment is not something that's ideal to me.
If you find that you consistently attract a certain type of person, you are likely benefiting from this type of energy. Or, if this energy is aggravating to you, you may have something to learn about yourself. It's possible that you like the contrast. You may say to yourself (unconsciously, of course): Look at all these people who aren't working on themselves. I used to be where they are and now I am in a different energetic place.
You must be careful not to allow your success to make you resentful of others in whom you see your shadow.
You must be careful not to allow your success to make you resentful of others in whom you see your shadow.
I don't know. I feel a certain lowliness to who I am and agree that it gives off a bad vibe to feel low. I dismiss myself based on that.
But people seem to pick up a vibe that I can't understand. A professorial certainty. I have experience and I think that's where it comes from, but hoo boy I wish I could outright tell someone not to bother. There's some things broke you can't fix.
But people seem to pick up a vibe that I can't understand. A professorial certainty. I have experience and I think that's where it comes from, but hoo boy I wish I could outright tell someone not to bother. There's some things broke you can't fix.
I think healthy relationships have more to do with self-awareness than self-esteem. After all a person who identifies themselves as "high self-esteem" is probably a narcissist. On the other hand if someone does seem insecure about something or shows codependency tendencies do they know why they have these traits? Do we ask them when this comes up? Instead of when someone asks for an opinion how about asking "I'm not sure what do you think you should do?" Maybe they just need their thoughts redirected so they too can become more introspective and figure stuff out on their own? Also equally as important we should ask ourselves why we are apparently so annoyed by what this person is saying, doing or wanting? We could/can learn a lot about ourselves in the process. Maybe we are the ones who are a bit obtuse. Ultimately if we can realize our own quirks as couples or friends and can have a good sense of humor about it to me that is the best relationships. I'd suggest watching a Woody Allen movie like Annie Hall to get some insight into the humor behind a self-aware neurotic relationship and behavior.
I just only have so much love and attention I can give.
At a certain point it becomes draining.
I can definitely relate. I realized in my late 20s (I'm almost 50 now) that I have a finite amount of energy. This became my boundary. When I was younger however I got caught up in my needs or what I thought were my needs. I think this is normal. It took me some time after draining relationships and life in general to figure out what I "needed." In reality I don't need very much to make me happy. Ultimately though with new relationships and current relationships I think self-awareness is still key. If people are draining you with seemingly illogical behavior we should be questioning their motives and see if they can figure out why they act this way. It they are ultimately an unconscious person (as the majority of people are) you probably just need to walk away if they are unwilling to examine their own motives. People who are conscious/mindful/self-aware I think owe it to a certain extent to unconscious people to see if they too can become more self-aware. Or in other words as the proverbial saying goes teach them to fish instead of always giving them a fish.
I think it depends on how their low self-esteem manifests and how they deal with it- since low self-esteem is varied phenomenon and there are numerous ways to deal with it. If they turn their partner into their therapist or take it out on their partner, the relationship wont be healthy, which is what usually happens. This includes behavior like putting themselves down in front of their partner.
So I think its possible, but it is unlikely if the person hasn't done a good deal of work on themselves, gone to therapy before, developed a social support network, etc.
Edit: This applies to friendships as well.
So I think its possible, but it is unlikely if the person hasn't done a good deal of work on themselves, gone to therapy before, developed a social support network, etc.
Edit: This applies to friendships as well.
I think you have to sense potential in them for change, and they have to offer you something in return in the relationship. It’s possible in some cases to make it a fair exchange, I think.
They have to be able to be somewhat intelligent and reasonable. If they can’t see the results of their own actions and improvements, then it’s not going to happen. Few people can handle being around a chronic downer. Unrealistically negative self-perception that’s chronic is best left for professionals to deal with.
They have to be able to be somewhat intelligent and reasonable. If they can’t see the results of their own actions and improvements, then it’s not going to happen. Few people can handle being around a chronic downer. Unrealistically negative self-perception that’s chronic is best left for professionals to deal with.
My opinion is that it would be advisable to stay away from unhealthy relationships, as ultimately they can't do any good to either party.
You probably don't manifest those boundaries by default, meaning you have to raise them later, with the sub-optimal consequences you mention in your post.
You can be a motivator for others without getting close to them personally. Do all you can to inspire but maintain your distance, as otherwise you will be drained. That would be my perspective.
I'm struggling with this again.
I feel like an element of it is that I'm a very positive, happy person and compliment people and try hard to see where they are coming from.
I recently had someone from my past that I knew 3 years ago reach out to me and the more we talked the more disturbed I was.
He said things like
"I think about you a lot"
"I feel like you really understand me"
So on and so on. He confessed feelings for me and I put him down gently. I had to cut off contact with him because I never thought of him at all in these 3 years; I did not feel close to him at all.
Which makes me wonder how can people feel that close to me when I feel nothing for them at all? I am learning when this happens the kind thing to do is to walk away from the situation.
This is another person who has extremely low self esteem and I recognize it but they're almost using me as a self esteem boost. In this weird way, loving me and if they could earn my love would make them worth something.
It has been particularly disturbing because I have done the same thing in the past and it made me realize how the other person must have felt about my behavior. Further, I feel very disgusted instead of flattered by these people's affection. It makes me feel scared that somebody could think they were so close to me when from my perspective they don't even know me.
Part of this i think is me being nice to people who I don't necessarily feel a connection with and letting them get to close to me. It's hard to draw a line between being nice and setting boundaries. I feel mixed about not wanting to be friends with these people because there's nothing inherently wrong with them, the friendships just feel one sided and I feel drained after spending time with them instead of good like I do with my other friends. And often these people when you see boundaries get upset because it reenforces their victim mentality
"See I told you nobody likes me"
But that's not my problem and I don't know how these people are going to grow unless people are honest with them
I feel like an element of it is that I'm a very positive, happy person and compliment people and try hard to see where they are coming from.
I recently had someone from my past that I knew 3 years ago reach out to me and the more we talked the more disturbed I was.
He said things like
"I think about you a lot"
"I feel like you really understand me"
So on and so on. He confessed feelings for me and I put him down gently. I had to cut off contact with him because I never thought of him at all in these 3 years; I did not feel close to him at all.
Which makes me wonder how can people feel that close to me when I feel nothing for them at all? I am learning when this happens the kind thing to do is to walk away from the situation.
This is another person who has extremely low self esteem and I recognize it but they're almost using me as a self esteem boost. In this weird way, loving me and if they could earn my love would make them worth something.
It has been particularly disturbing because I have done the same thing in the past and it made me realize how the other person must have felt about my behavior. Further, I feel very disgusted instead of flattered by these people's affection. It makes me feel scared that somebody could think they were so close to me when from my perspective they don't even know me.
Part of this i think is me being nice to people who I don't necessarily feel a connection with and letting them get to close to me. It's hard to draw a line between being nice and setting boundaries. I feel mixed about not wanting to be friends with these people because there's nothing inherently wrong with them, the friendships just feel one sided and I feel drained after spending time with them instead of good like I do with my other friends. And often these people when you see boundaries get upset because it reenforces their victim mentality
"See I told you nobody likes me"
But that's not my problem and I don't know how these people are going to grow unless people are honest with them
Did he actually say that after 3 years?
From his point of view, first thing that comes to mind is him trying to find a connection (again) but completely lacking the social skills and coming off wrong.
I'm sure he does want a social connection. I don't really feel much towards him though, not even in a platonic way. To me he has a victim mentality and it bothers me a lot. So I don't think he was coming off wrong necessarily; I just don't want to be his source of love and approval for him to feel good about himself.
How come you saw his interaction as a victim mentality?
- Devil's advocate mode (not projecting)
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Deleted member 16771
While I don't think there's anything wrong with the conversation you guys are having, I have to say that I really can't stand these kinds of 'social valuation' discussions in general.
I find it repulsive to hear people speak like this and I tend not to want anything to do with it.
The undercurrents of social shaming are really quite distasteful, however unconscious they might be.
I find it repulsive to hear people speak like this and I tend not to want anything to do with it.
The undercurrents of social shaming are really quite distasteful, however unconscious they might be.
Maybe he's just lonely in these bizarre times and fondly misremembering former relationships or interactions? Maybe he really did feel a connection with you. Do you find that acquaintances often open up easily to you? Or strangers approach you? Maybe you just give off warm and open vibes. Not a bad thing. Maybe people just feel safe with you. Or you are a positive presence when interacting.
But this doesn't make you responsible for anyone. And I understand you're concerned about codependency in relationships. I wouldn't judge him harshly for it or consider him a victim. It takes courage to reach out. But good that you were able to let him know gently it wasn't mutual.
But this doesn't make you responsible for anyone. And I understand you're concerned about codependency in relationships. I wouldn't judge him harshly for it or consider him a victim. It takes courage to reach out. But good that you were able to let him know gently it wasn't mutual.
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When we talked, several times he tried to assume my intentions or put words in my mouth.
We were talking about the fun times we had where we used to work three years ago and I was like "yeah you were for sure one of my favorite people there," and he was like
"Oh, I see. Was. So I'm not anymore huh?"
And I was like
"Well how could you be one of my favorite people at work when we don't work together anymore?"
And he was like
"Oh I'm just joking."
Later he said, "well I know that you're not talking to me because you're worried that I'm going to want a relationship secretly instead of a friendship"
Which was something I never said. And so I went,
"I think that you're assuming I think things that I never have. I have never said that."
He would also just make statements like
"Well if you ever want to hang out I can do it whenever because I don't have a life I'm basically a loser"
"Don't laugh if I tell you this. Promise? I haven't had sex in this many years."
"Oh don't worry about me I don't matter"
It is just exhausting to react to
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Deleted member 16771
Oh.
Someone should tell him straight up how he's coming across and to stop fucking around.
Oh I'm sure he is lonely. In fact I know he is lonely. He was lonely even before the pandemic and self isolated. And he did feel connected to me. I never said he didn't. But I haven't thought about him in three years since we worked together and I don't think it's healthy that he thinks about me all the time and desires a friendship with me when I don't really like him as a person. It would be cruel to keep that going.
I think what it is, I have poor boundaries and people that I don't like or who are seeking my love and approval without giving me anything in return tend to take advantage of that. They're not bad people, and it's very much my fault for not putting up boundaries with people like that. What happens is I see people who are lonely or social isolated and feel bad for them and try to be their friend and then it becomes codependent because I'm their only friend and they feel like they're entitled to my love and attention. They say they care about me but at the same time the relationship is centered about me telling them what a good person they are.
Ok that would be aggravating to listen to. Because the self depreciation can be manipulative. I'd call him out for it in a nice or playful way. And if he didn't take the hint then yes, someone needs to tell him this strategy will get him nowhere.