Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with a person who has low self esteem/worth?

slant said:
Eh this thread went a lot of directions I'm just being nitpicky, gotta let the organic flow happen I suppose
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My last post was just about something relatable that someone else had said so I want to take a shot at answering the original question.

I absolutely think it's possible to have healthy relationships with people with low self esteem and/or other problems, and I agree with what others have said about boundaries being key. And if you're feeling the need to give yourself permission to say a hard no to someone, and draw a firm boundary of no contact and interaction, then I think you should honor that. I think you're right when you describe how people can be unhealthy for each other, especially if the connection is around an area where we're weak and vulnerable in ways ourselves. At the same time though, when we connect with someone who has had a similar history, and is headed in a similar trajectory, they can become our closest ally and we might end up forming the strongest of bonds. But this really is a very nuanced arena of personal interaction that can take time to learn how to navigate.

I also understand what others have said about how disheartening it can be when relationships are approached through transactional thinking and I do feel the same to some extent. It's just that it's not uncommon for some form of transactional thinking to play a significant part in a person's journey when they are recovering from denying themselves for years. For some it's a very necessary step and helps create a foundation that was never laid.

Anyway, for whatever it's worth, I applaud your efforts at personal growth and development @slant and I hope you are doing well.
 
slant said:
I am beginning to notice a lot of people who also struggle with low self worth and self esteem flocking to me. In the beginning of these relationships it is a positive interaction; I feel good sharing information about my journey and this other person taking inspiration from it. Quickly though I find these people can become overly dependent on my approval and seeking my validation. I start to set boundaries with these people in response. Sometimes that goes well, other times it doesn't.

Admittedly, because I relate to low self worth or esteem, I can fail to set boundaries when I need to. Or I set them and the other person reacts badly and it turns into a point of contention. I understand what it's like to be in the headspace, but i know I'm not able to fix them, either.

These types of relationships seem unhealthy to me but I am struggling to understand what would be healthier, or what the misstep is here. It's an emerging pattern and I'm trying to understand it.
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Yes, boundaries are always good as you need your own time, and yes, their path is their own path, but I have "seen" the amazing change in you over just 12 short months. I can see why they would want to "align" themselves with you. The co-dependent thing is not good, but boundaries as you stated.

Maybe this is just the smaller part of the bigger picture for you. To learn comprehensively HOW to set solid and safe boundaries with people. It's one step of many to help you to the next stage of you finding yourself.
 
JustPhil said:
Yes, boundaries are always good as you need your own time, and yes, their path is their own path, but I have "seen" the amazing change in you over just 12 short months. I can see why they would want to "align" themselves with you. The co-dependent thing is not good, but boundaries as you stated.

Maybe this is just the smaller part of the bigger picture for you. To learn comprehensively HOW to set solid and safe boundaries with people. It's one step of many to help you to the next stage of you finding yourself.
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Yeah I'm terrible at boundaries, I would even refine that statement to say, I'm terrible at allowing myself to have limitations. Learning this with wounds. But I guess it's still a lesson.
 
slant said:
Yeah I'm terrible at boundaries, I would even refine that statement to say, I'm terrible at allowing myself to have limitations. Learning this with wounds. But I guess it's still a lesson.
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Same here .. about setting boundaries .. starting to do so, but it's a long road. Some people find it easy and I admire them for that. For me, it will always be an uphill battle.

All you can do is keep on keeping on :)
 
JustPhil said:
Same here .. about setting boundaries .. starting to do so, but it's a long road. Some people find it easy and I admire them for that. For me, it will always be an uphill battle.

All you can do is keep on keeping on :)
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I appreciate your encouragement. You often give me exactly what I needed to hear in the moment and sometimes I don't realize it until much later
 
Wildfire said:
My last post was just about something relatable that someone else had said so I want to take a shot at answering the original question.

I absolutely think it's possible to have healthy relationships with people with low self esteem and/or other problems, and I agree with what others have said about boundaries being key. And if you're feeling the need to give yourself permission to say a hard no to someone, and draw a firm boundary of no contact and interaction, then I think you should honor that. I think you're right when you describe how people can be unhealthy for each other, especially if the connection is around an area where we're weak and vulnerable in ways ourselves. At the same time though, when we connect with someone who has had a similar history, and is headed in a similar trajectory, they can become our closest ally and we might end up forming the strongest of bonds. But this really is a very nuanced arena of personal interaction that can take time to learn how to navigate.

I also understand what others have said about how disheartening it can be when relationships are approached through transactional thinking and I do feel the same to some extent. It's just that it's not uncommon for some form of transactional thinking to play a significant part in a person's journey when they are recovering from denying themselves for years. For some it's a very necessary step and helps create a foundation that was never laid.

Anyway, for whatever it's worth, I applaud your efforts at personal growth and development @slant and I hope you are doing well.
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I appreciate that. I'm going through a bit of a low right now but it happens. Depression!

I see what you're saying here. A lot of what was happening when I originally wrote this thread had evolved; the low self esteem friend I had who was kinda co dependent with me found a girlfriend shortly after who he's become codependent with and that's allowed us to have a healthy friendship without all of the pressure. So that worked out. We have similar histories and it's nice, we learn from each other kind of like you said, but if he hadnt found a girlfriend I don't think we would still be friends.

A different girl I had in mind during this I had to cut her out because we had nothing in common and I didn't really like her company, I was just being "nice" and I had to realize in a sense that was enabling both of us so I ended that.

A third friendship I wasn't really referencing in this thread but was struggling with at the time I finally resolved after 9 months... It was one of those situations where our similar issues made us try to rescue each other which made each of our issues increasingly worse. Took me too long to let go of that.
 
I don't mind carrying someone, though some drag their feet to destroy your potential because they can never reach theirs. This can become a life-long ambition of theirs. When we realize and step over their heads, the world shines anew. They will always be what they always have been, and we can grow to be what we were always meant to be. We must realize our friendship, to them, is based on holding our heads under the water. Once people see our potential and we start growing, we attract a different group of people and associates. They may get to see something they have long awaited.

Low self-esteem may not brake the camel's back, but it can lead up to ugliness unlike we could before imagine. Beware of hidden jealousy, which can easily become motivational. What we see in someone isn't always what is there, and they can have others help them to use and abuse you. If they are standing on your shoulders too long, understand the situation. They want to keep you down there while they remain up there at your cost, and with your strength and stamina. People can be like a pack of wild dogs: not worthy to be called wolves.
 
just me said:
I don't mind carrying someone, though some drag their feet to destroy your potential because they can never reach theirs. This can become a life-long ambition of theirs. When we realize and step over their heads, the world shines anew. They will always be what they always have been, and we can grow to be what we were always meant to be. We must realize our friendship, to them, is based on holding our heads under the water. Once people see our potential and we start growing, we attract a different group of people and associates. They may get to see something they have long awaited.

Low self-esteem may not brake the camel's back, but it can lead up to ugliness unlike we could before imagine. Beware of hidden jealousy, which can easily become motivational. What we see in someone isn't always what is there, and they can have others help them to use and abuse you. If they are standing on your shoulders too long, understand the situation. They want to keep you down there while they remain up there at your cost, and with your strength and stamina. People can be like a pack of wild dogs: not worthy to be called wolves.
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Fuck this is poetry, son. Thanks for this post. I like it a lot. Really resonates
 
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