is it harder for INFJ females (maybe even males) to get married? | INFJ Forum

is it harder for INFJ females (maybe even males) to get married?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by dj-elsa, Dec 13, 2010.

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  1. dj-elsa

    dj-elsa Regular Poster

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    i'm 33, i love my looks, i'm educated, no kids, no real baggage, i'm financially intelligent and come from good parents, i do fun stuff like DJ at clubs but also white collar job as a teacher and i have a few businesses.

    i'm scared that i'm "too picky" tho i think it's a fear that's been put in my head by people around me. i haven't ever met anybody but one person who was fun intellectually, creatively, and physicallysatisfying. and that guy chased me with a knife cuz he was a junky and fnallysnapped!

    i'm really not that hard to get along with, i was homecoming queen and at work i'm one of the few people that doesn't have drama with everyone at the school. Is it my moral code? For example, i've met some great guys but they act as if i need to sleep with them right away and of course i don't and i feel they humor me or the couple that i'd gained interest in over the last two years, they wouldn't give me title of wife or even girlfriend, yet both wanted to practically own me and acted very possessive and paraded me around like i was the best thing in their lives.

    do other INFJ females feel the same way? that you're so smart in so many arenas that potential mates are either too boring or unintelligent or irresponsible, and the ones that would be great see you as nags or bitches when you maintain your morality?

    am i destined to be alone? or with someone i don't really love? my dad asked me for a grandchild and i want a baby soooo bad, but only if it comes with a husband that i want and love. i've read every thing i could find on attracting a great mate, what else can i do?
     
  2. invisible

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    i'd quite like some guys to parade me around like i was the best thing in their lives. what were they like? were they hot? did they have a car? sorry, i'm curious.
     
  3. Matariki

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    Don't worry, INFJ's aren't alone.
    INTP females often tend to be solitary creatures, and from the information that I gathered from the INTP forums, INTP males tend be much the same.
    As they say, "Good things take time."

    If you intend to spend your life with one person, then you can be as picky as you want.
    I know I am. I turn down guys all the time, most guys that tend to harass me are usually desperate ISFP's or ESFP's. Give me a break! :m047:

    I recommended this article to another member, I think you might find this useful; http://www.lovetype.com/infjtips.html
     
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  4. OP
    dj-elsa

    dj-elsa Regular Poster

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    what they were like

    yes, they were both incredibly attractive. the first was a fillipino/columbian former navy sand sailor, so he was very, very well built and six foot tall. class tall, dark, handsome stranger qualities. he lied to me, he said he was single no kids and his cousin spilled the beans he had a wife n son, estranged for about 7 years. my parents, friends, coleagues and i offered to help him file a divorce, etc, but he never "got around to it" and he gave me trichomonas. ewwww!! of course i got it taken care of. he sucked with money and couldn't take care of himself financially, or even hold down a job for long. he was very lazy. at the same time, though, he was uber supportive of me. it was like i was the center of his universe, and it was great until i started being "the reason" why he wouldn't go to work, like he had to stay home n care for me if i was sick, etc. so i think he kinda was a victim-ish guy cuz he blamed lots of people. very friendly, though, always very good to my family.


    the other is six foot four white male, gorgeous blue eyes, haD been my friend for twelve or so years, i used to date his former best friend. the best friend abandoned pretty much both of us years ago and him and i just happen to be in teh same cities often, so we kept in touch. as of today, he completely wrote me off, which kinda hurts but not really. well, he's always had his own businesses going or has had blue collar jobs where he works extra hard to make good money. his mom's a shrink n dad's an engineer/ teacher, and his family's really into music, too. He's never really been a very solid decision maker, very indecisive, so i find him getting stuck in loops with his music or even his personal life or even trying to decide which theater to go to, so as smart as he is, he never gets anywhere. i blame his use of drugs. :m192: i didn't realize how bad it was. otherwise he'd be perfect. he's 1/4 mexican, and i'm full mexican but spent lots of time around white people, so we actually balance very well.

    so he was born with excellent, top of the line genes but doesn't do much to take care of himself. sometimes he looks hella hot but he allows himself to gain lots of weight then spends all his time losing it, so he's never really happy except for maybe a few days at a time, i think. he doesn't really have a car, but i have to say he paid for EVERYTHINGm even though i make like three or four times what he does, he wouldn't allow me to pay for anything. He was absolutely awesome sexually, too, absolutely teh best partner ever i could ask for. higher drive than me, all the right tools, etc. He started getting real self conscious as he gained more weight and started holding out a lot.

    I really, really cared about the second one. I really thought he'd make a great husband and dad. However, he kept telling me that i wasn't his girlfriend, he didn't like titles, he didn't want kids, etc, then would tell me yes i was his girl and he wasn't sure about kids, there was a chance, then would go back to indecision. i've been a rehab counselor and am quite sure he's lost in so much powder up his nose that there's no longer him inside that carcass. i've dated a junkie before, and even though there are functional junkies just as there are functional alchies, i don't know it's worth the painful life to try to fix things with him.

    the best man i ever dated was a naval officer, we dated on and off for five years. he was a six foot tall chinese guy, O-5, who eventually asked me to marry him. He was extremely attractive, even as a chinese guy, seriously. Model looks. Very built also. We started dating when he was thirty, i was 23 and very unstable. I was the only girlfriend he'd ever had. I would've married him except that he had NO libido whatsoever to the point i feared he was gay.

    i'm sad that i lost my friendship with the indecisive one...hes been my friend the longest out of any men i'd ever known n that's whyi cared for him, cuz he was always a good friend to me with no hidden agendas, never hit on me, etc, for years, until we both turned up single in the same city.
     
    #4 dj-elsa, Dec 13, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2010
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  5. OP
    dj-elsa

    dj-elsa Regular Poster

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  6. 88chaz88

    88chaz88 Back for a limited time only
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    If so then I feel particularly lucky.
     
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  7. invisible

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    i hope you meet a man who doesn't treat you this way.
     
  8. Tamagochi

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    There might be some truth in it - most of INFJ women I've known have had serious relationship difficulties. The ratio is something like 7 out of 8 :) And one of them is in similar circumstances to yours. The hidden reason for this I think is that we (males included) overcomplicate things that should be kept simple.

    Moving away from the stereotypes, I sense that your problem is not "pickiness" but a general attitude. There might be a reason of why you attract a certain type of men who are unstable or "less intelligent". Maybe you're afraid of losing control? Maybe you push the "right" ones away without even realizing it?

    The infj girl whom I felt a similar vibe about - when I tried to date her she refused without even giving a chance. Her motive was that she would fall for a man who can overpower her (mentally and emotionally I suppose). And every time she finds one it occurs that he does not want to commit. But the simple truth is that we are not supposed to compete for smarts and it has nothing to do with the feelings.
     
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  9. middle1

    middle1 Hellur

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    Being picky is a good thing, don't settle for less.
     
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  10. Julia

    Julia Community Member

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    I've always had difficulty establishing relationship and even friendships. I was typically too comfortable in my imaginary world. I would see someone I admired, longed for a connection, but never knew exactly how to make it happen. I was mostly in settings that were not compatible, and I think that is important to change. If your social and work environments are filled with people you don't fit in with, then deep connections are less likely. I have the basic good qualities and am intelligent, but I found most of the guys I grew up around went crazy over the nursing and education majors who were stylish and "nice". They had a pragmatic, stable, quality contribution. It's not that I was the opposite, but I rarely was asked out. My passion has always been composing and it is my profession, and I think and talk about philosophy and abstract things. I was/is to a lesser degree attractive, but I wasn't good at advertising it, and so was not able to function the way most women do socially. My social role has typically been the same where I am something of a passing curiosity, perhaps admired by some, but mostly ignored because people don't know what to do with me and vice versa.

    I had one serious relationship of 15 years involving marriage, but he lost interest. I'm in a relationship now with someone I met online who is *really* intelligent - even moreso than I could have guessed at a distance. I'm thankful for technology to help filter someone who was actually invested in *me*, and not just expected the role a woman should fill. Finding that connection is what matters to me - nothing external in terms of looks, money, social prowess, etc. I am taken by intelligence, though.
     
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  11. Tamagochi

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    Actually I've never met anybody honestly claiming that being picky had really paid off. Instead common cases are complaining "I can't find a mate, maybe it's because I'm too picky" or regrets "I should have been more picky".
     
  12. Milon

    Milon Director of Glomps
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    I'm only 1 person, but still - if I hadn't been picky then I'd be in a VERY unhappy relationship right now. Because I WAS picky, I'm in a wonderful relationship with the love of my life! :D

    Marriage (in my view) is a lifelong commitment. Of course I'm going to be picky! I'm picky about cars, houses, etc - why wouldn't I be picky with something even MORE important?
     
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  13. middle1

    middle1 Hellur

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    I say it with regrets.
     
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  14. OP
    dj-elsa

    dj-elsa Regular Poster

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    thank you! it's all so eye-opening

    you are correct in saying that people become more attractive as you get to know them. that's for sure. and i used to be quite fat when i was 21, and the junkie DJ boyfriend totally changed my life by loving me anyway and i'm very healthy now, so i can do the same for someone else. i think the reason i'm so superficial is because it's hard enough to be motivated to work out and try to look nice at 33. and taking care of my looks stems from living a healthy lifestyle and being financially responsible so i can afford things like getting my hair done, etc. and it's essential because i care about my stage presence when i DJ. So, to be with someone who doesn't put effort into themselves or who turns into a giant chore of convincing them to do something bout their health, when i already spend all day convincing children to do their work, is more than i can handle. Friends have sometimes said, "we can't all be as fit looking as you, Elsa," per se, and my reply is always well it's not like it falls from heaven for me, either. When i see em eat at burger king for $10 per meal, and I go home and eat dinner from an 89cent can of plain tuna, I'm reminded that I do care more for my health than that need to satisfy unhealthy cravings. I do care to save $9.11 for a nicer dress than to spend it stuffing my face with fatty burgers, is that wrong? God i'm also a bulimic in recovery and that plays lots into my rigidness about being around healthy people and not people who eat so much crap i want to eat it with then then vomit it all up. :m192:

    you are correct, everyone is intelligent in different ways. my dad didn't even get past second grade in mexico yet is now more well-off than any of my friends' parents who are doctors, engineers, etc

    i think that is so correct, that i need to learn to value things aside from the things I value, such as music and art and science and working to look good.

    the eye opener that i'm really bent on is that i AM surrounded by people who i have nothing in common with. I am totally the odd man out no matter what, and when i've lived in other cities i have found a peace in knowing that there were other people that also were different and embraced that....i'm planning to move to NY in June. I've returned to el paso for six years now, this place is ranked as having THE WORST selection of marriage-worthy men in the entire country. Men here have kids, are in jail, no education, worst health as a city some years in a row, etc, etc, so the beginning to the solution lies clear now that I hear it from y'all. Thank you!!!!
     
  15. Norton

    Norton XXXX

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    I married my INFJ 34 years ago. She was in medical school at a time when there were few women doctors (not true now). People used to tell me how liberated I was to marry a woman doctor. But it was, and is, normal to me to be married to a woman doctor. Indeed, for me, the definition of marriage is having a wife who's a doctor. We are still crazy about each other. I think you just have to be lucky and meet the right person. Luck is a matter of large numbers, so date as many men as you can. We were, and are, lucky, and I hope the same is true for you. You have to believe in the three "P's"--patience, persistence, and perseverance. Those lead to success for anyone.
     
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  16. Phoenix Down

    Phoenix Down Permanent Fixture

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    Good for you
    I think that's a reasonable dealbreaker.
    Honey, you're not being too picky. They're being too greedy. If a guy acts as if you need to sleep with him right away, you shouldn't let him get away with it.

    Frankly, first time shame on him, seccond time shame on you.
    If anyone treated with me with that kind of disrespect, I'd hit them out of reflex (I kid you not). Next time a guy wants you to put out so badly, tell him quit whining and buy a hooker.

    From what I can gather, you're smart, pretty, and hardworking.
    You deserve better, kay?

    I'm not an INFJ, but I am a woman. Sure, I've come across plenty of guys I just wasn't interested in. But i've never liked a guy who didn't respect my ethics.
    I probably don't understand how you feel, but I don't think you should give up on finding someone to love. I hang around guys a lot, heck, most of my friends are guys. And you know, they're all inteligent, responsible, fun to be around, and respectful. Some of them are even really attractive.

    You deserve someone you can love and who will love you back.
    Your Future Baby deserves a loving family.

    So my advice? Look for love. Look for someone who treats you how you like to be treated. If you meet someone you like (male or female) don't let go. Surely they know other people you would like, and who knows? maybe one those people knows the guy you're looking for.

    best wishes
     
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  17. OP
    dj-elsa

    dj-elsa Regular Poster

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    thank u for spending time on my question

    i'm so truly thankful, the answers i'm receiving help me feel safe about asking questions that are likely better off answered by people i don't know too personally. Norton and Phoenix Down, thank you so much for breaking it down for me more and moreso, i can be obsessive when i'm trying to understand the nature of an interrelationship situation. I feel balanced- and validated- the responses i get come from people from different places and circumstances, and ultimately everyone seems to feel the same way i feel...it's better to love n be loved. thanks again, so glad somebody created this forum

    elsa
     
  18. Infjmandy

    Infjmandy Newbie

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    Entp-men are a good match for us Infj-women (happily married to one).
    Traits as genuin, friendly, smart, good/suprinsing sense of humor and warm is right there. A man who makes you laugh is always a treat!
     
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  19. Littlelissa

    Littlelissa Well-known member

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    I'm pretty sure I'm too picky.
     
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    #19 Littlelissa, Dec 20, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2016
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  20. Ryso89

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    Well, from a 27 year old guy's perspective, I have had similar doubts about finding the right person as well. We are different because you are a woman and I am a man, but I understand where you're coming from. I've not had an easy time finding a relationship that makes sense, and dating has been extremely frustrating, because I too am picky with women, but it is a product of our personality traits, and that is something we must deal with. It wouldn't ever make sense to disobey our own moral code just to "fit in", and we don't really fit in, quite honestly. I have a lot of the same qualms and doubts as I mentioned. The only thing I could recommend is that you stay true to your path and trust your intuition. Pursue what it is that you love and the rest will follow suit. It is necessary by design of our spiritual path. The universe will rip the rug right out from under us if we are in situations that are not aligned with who we really are, and in many cases it takes time for people to dig deep enough to figure that out.

    But like you, I am "handsome" I suppose, take very good care of myself mentally, physically and spiritually, am smart, funny, wish no one any harm, but it isn't really working. Also, I am buried and obsessed with pursuing my passions, and I work full time. I have weird interests, so my ability to relate to others is more slim than you can even imagine. Oh well. Keep the grind, stay healthy, do what is right for you. There's much more I could add but I'm drawing a blank. The only other thing I could suggest is be mindful of your suitors with respect to your passion for having a child. A loving and supportive husband who won't idolize you for your looks or treat you as a possession is what you're after, and ideally, I think that's what you're looking for anyway.
     
    #20 Ryso89, Dec 20, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2016
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