Is Anyone Too Good (Different) for You?

Julia

Julia

Community Member
MBTI
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When a person feels romantic interest towards someone, they often see ways that person appeals to them personally and think of reasons why they want to be close. How often do people think about what they have to offer the other person? It makes sense that there are people one would personally have less to offer than others, but how often is this recognized in a romantic context.

The times in my life when someone hounded me without much regard to my feelings, the focus of my disinterest was an overwhelming sense that their regard had little or no consideration for my needs or feelings (hence the hounding), but was selfishly and often blindly driven. It felt like they assumed they were entitled to me and if I didn't recognize that, they took to hating me. I then asked myself what people could I feel attached to but also be able to recognize that I wasn't what they needed. Perhaps it is someone who needs financial resources for their career, someone who needs to socialize a lot, someone who loves sports and dreams of sharing that passion with someone else. What if I felt attached because I was attracted, saw how kind they were to people, and how they made me feel at ease. Could I recognize that my ability to fill their needs was limited and therefore not be interested.

It seems really important to not just approach people like a tall order at a fast food restaurant... "And I want ____, and I want ____, I also want _____ only without ______, Oh and i want extra mayo ..."
 
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There are certain types of people I know that I wouldn't get along with. They can be as nice as they'd like but they still leave a foul taste in my mouth. But it's so easy to see when someone isn't a fit. I'm just wondering how people 'fall' for others who are the complete opposite for what they are looking for and or need. But then again, attachments with me don't happen a lot, that may be the missing piece here.
 
I'd rather let them make that decision. They know what they need more than I do.
 
uberrogo said:
I'd rather let them make that decision. They know what they need more than I do.
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That is a great way to distill the idea and definitely correct. I think partly what I was saying is if the person can allow someone else to make the decision to not want them without feeling entitled or resentful.

Edit: Still though, if someone was attracted to me and I knew that what I had to offer didn't fit their goals, I can see some value in addressing the potential conflict of interest.
 
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Julia said:
That is a great way to distill the idea and definitely correct. I think partly what I was saying is if the person can allow someone else to make the decision to not want them without feeling entitled or resentful.
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I would definitly feel disappointed if the answer from them was no. Entitled or resentful.... anything is possible. Well yes I have felt both of those as well in this situation. I dont try to control my feelings in that way.
 
I usually do think of what I have to offer the other person. Although of course, this is in very concrete terms. Like, someone might be very outgoing socially which is a good fit for me, but they might be very reserved and not like to make the first move in intimate relationships and I do because I get impatient. Then I recognize that I do have something to offer, although whether the other person actually attaches any value to that is the question.

Mostly I try not to burden others with my feelings. Often I'll analyze the other's behaviour until I'm reasonably certain they have feelings for me too, then make a move. Usually I'm right. In other instances where I was sure I wasn't what they wanted I just... got over it in due time. In one case it was a friend of mine and later once I was over it I told her I had feelings for her in the past. We had a good laugh about it.

I wonder if giving so much consideration to how the other person might or might not feel makes me odd.
 
Eniko said:
I usually do think of what I have to offer the other person. Although of course, this is in very concrete terms. Like, someone might be very outgoing socially which is a good fit for me, but they might be very reserved and not like to make the first move in intimate relationships and I do because I get impatient. Then I recognize that I do have something to offer, although whether the other person actually attaches any value to that is the question.

Mostly I try not to burden others with my feelings. Often I'll analyze the other's behaviour until I'm reasonably certain they have feelings for me too, then make a move. Usually I'm right. In other instances where I was sure I wasn't what they wanted I just... got over it in due time. In one case it was a friend of mine and later once I was over it I told her I had feelings for her in the past. We had a good laugh about it.

I wonder if giving so much consideration to how the other person might or might not feel makes me odd.
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If it makes you odd, then I'm odd, too.

I don't ever seem to look at people I meet and think that they're not good enough for me. I don't think it's necessarily about what there is to offer to one another more than it is what they're WILLING to give. If you're willing to give yourself up to me, like I am to you, then we'll have a good relationship. If you want me to give myself, but not give back then it's no good.

I'd say the only qualities of sorts that I look for are kinda superficial in a way. They have to be into good music (well, good in my opinion), have a great sense of humor, and they have to have a genuine smile. I dno't think anything else makes me feel they aren't for me, at least at first glance.
 
Julia said:
Edit: Still though, if someone was attracted to me and I knew that what I had to offer didn't fit their goals, I can see some value in addressing the potential conflict of interest.
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That's a little different. If a girl has ambitions that don't mesh with mine, or ambitions that can be best met in a place I never want to visit, I will happily leave her knowing I'm doing her a service.
 
I'm not nearly that strategic. Right now, I'm dating a guy who's going to med school in a year and I plan on joining the Peace Corp when I graduate. We've acknowledged these things, and realize we probably won't stay together then.. but as we have feelings for each other now and we are available to each other now, we're in a committed relationship because this is all the time we may have to be. Just kinda wingin' it.

Life is too short to miss out on something so potentially great in the present, because you're worried about the future.
 
[SIZE=Default]"Life is too short to miss out on something so potentially great in the present, because you're worried about the future"

So true. It's too bad people look at me strangely when I live this way; they don't know what they are missing out on.
[/SIZE]
 
You're not doing anyone a favor by depriving them of your loveliness and presence because you've got it in yerr head that they're too good for you. =P

edit: I mean, that is if they want your loveliness and presence.. and you're not stalking them or anything..
 
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No one's too good for me, I'm too good for the world!
(I felt like Shai Gar when I was typing that)

But in all honesty, it's too bad that the world is missing out on all the good people on this forum.
 
I only date a guy if I think he's too good for me. I like a challenge. Secretly though, I don't think anyone is too good for anyone. Its just a matter of not being right for someone.
 
I only date guys I can learn from or learn with.. I don't care about money or appearance. I'm into openness and intelligence.. With a lot of spontaneity.
 
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Bored Now said:
I only date a guy if I think he's too good for me. I like a challenge. Secretly though, I don't think anyone is too good for anyone. Its just a matter of not being right for someone.
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Yeah, no one is better, just some aren't compatible.
 
I value when people take responsibility for their own experience. If I need something from another, then I think it much more respectful to state that need and include the other in the process of deciding if there is a match or not.

I understand some people are not comfortable asserting themselves in the face of an open expression of need, however I do not believe I do anyone a favor by preempting their free-will and making the choice for them.

That said, do I sometimes think I am not good enough for someone else and shy away from engaging? Certainly. I consider that a display of fear and weakness on my part.
 
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How do you separate thinking someone is too good for you/you're not right for them from raging pessimism anyway?
 
I've never considered anyone too good for me, though apparently many girls think I'm too good for them, but I guess a lot of that is due to the social conditioning that warps girls' ideas about what acceptable treatment of them is (meaning, they're conditioned to be used to getting treated less well than they should be).
 
I guess part of what I was responding to is the tendency for some people to just decide they are entitled to someone and not consider that person's feelings at all. I grew up with a single mother and had to see and worry so many years with different men following her around feeling so damned entitled. They were so creepy and one would park in front of her house all night. My mother was too good for them and they were too stupid to admit it.

I'm currently in a situation that has me deeply rattled and upset where someone has decided to fixate on me and I feel threatened by it. I think the person may have had a rather spoilt life and is used to getting what they want, and is now in a state of psychological crisis and grief. He is depressed and grieving, but also selfish and childish. He managed to tell me that when he was young he could get any girl he wanted. He is decades older than me and is being really creepy and I'm afraid he might become a stalker type person. I am really sick and angry at people who do this. Who just feel entitled and they do not give a damn about how you feel. It used to happen when I was younger, but I could typically manage it to some degree although it could be draining. This is threatening and I'm actually pretty angry about it. At least I have a stun gun.
 
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