Hi folks,
Congrats on setting up an INFJ forum. Stick with it for a while, it'll be hard to get people to come around at first.
Anyways, I have some questions about INFJs. There are a few things that have been bothering me for a long time now, and I think talking to some neutral INFJs may help me solve these problems. Please understand that I am not here to judge anyone. I am seeking only to understand just what in the hell happened. Don't be afraid to be blunt and honest. I'm most certainly going to be so in the analysis I'm about to present.
I'm an INTJ. I'm a very rare type, so I don't naturally gel well with most people. I find INFJs to be fascinatingly rich people with an enormous potential to fill very unique niches. That's the problem though; the potential is never realized and something always seems to go wrong. It appears on the surface that an INFJ would be an excellent compliment to me, but it turns out I'm 0 for 2.
--
INFJ #1 - Female, early 20s at the time. I was roughly the same age.
Things built up quickly at the start after I met her through some mutual friends. We seemed to be able to connect with each other and vibe quite well.
She was heavily involved with a man who was at least 10 years older than her at the time. They were not married, but it had progressed to the point where they were living together. Personally, I despised the man. Loud, obnoxious, and tries to flaunt how smart he is. Bases most of his worth on how well he can babble on for hours about absolute nonsense and how much money he makes by working for himself. That's great and all, but most of it was just a cover for how much he's full of shit. Not to mention that I felt he was taking advantage of someone her age (I do not have a problem with people dating across a large age gap, but I really did feel like she wasn't quite at that level yet being just barely 21 and him being 30+.)
Regardless, it was none of my business who she chose to associate with. I could tell that the relationship was starting to wear on her. It just wasn't right for her anymore, and for whatever reason she didn't want to end it. She was quite young at the time, and I believe that it was her first serious relationship. She started seeing this guy at age 16 I think.
I once made a comment to some of our mutual friends about how I was concerned about their relationship. She wasn't happy and needed to take a serious look at things. My intentions were honorable and selfless.
It turns out that was a bad idea. One of the group gossipers didn't like me for whatever reason (most people hate INTJs), and started spreading my remarks around. It had somehow morphed into malicious intent and that I was intentionally trying to sabotage the relationship. This eventually got back to her.
When she heard about this, she got pissed. Livid. Absolutely enraged.
When she eventually confronted me about it, it was nasty. She was basically yelling and screaming at me for over an hour about it. Let me tell you, it was quite intense. Few people can really connect on my level and rattle me like INFJs can.
I was too immature at the time to have handled it properly. I mostly cowered and apologized profusely for things that weren't really my fault and for something that was blown completely out of proportion. I was interested in trying to salvage the relationship since I genuinely liked her. I was also quite pissed that she doubted my integrity like that. She took a known gossiper's word over mine simply because she knew him longer.
That was the end of that relationship. She did cool down after that, but she never forgave me. There was abolustely nothing I could say or do to get back on her good side. So as a true INTJ, I just cut my losses and eventually sank back into the shadows.
--
INFJ #2 - Female, mid 20s at the time. I was a bit older in my late 20s.
The story basically starts out the same. We get long great at first and start building up a friendship. Then, disaster strikes...
This time around was a bit different. It sort of evolved into an informal student/mentor relationship since I was able to connect well with her and she was a bit behind me on the maturity scale. I had already been down the path she had been down, and so I tried to help her through it. I also genuinely enjoy helping people grow and discover their power. I'm pretty big on personal development, so it worked at pretty well at first.
She was going through a pretty crazy period in her life. Going on a million dates with guys (and girls) she met online, sleeping with most of them. She kept running out there trying to get excitement in her life, only to get burned over and over again since she really is an introvert and needs to learn where her limits are. Combine that with the fact that she was out of college, but had no clue what to do with herself, and she really didn't understand how the real world operated. It was complete misery for her, and it was quite painful to watch.
I had been through a lot of the same issues she had (minus the sleeping around part). The world isn't built for INTJs or INFJs, so she quite literally had no other resources to help her rare type out.
There were a multitude of factors that caused this falling out. First, she had always told me that she loved talking to me because while most people would see a brick wall (typical INTJ trait), she didn't and wanted to figure out how I worked. However, this came with the warning that "I may end up hating you once I figure it out."
She also kept running back to a man who was very similiar to the man in secenario #1. I have no idea which specific type this is, but they're most definitely the same. Full of shit, trying to take advantage of a young girl, and really only interested in getting tail. I really have no idea why INFJs appear to be drawn to this particular type as they almost always end up miserable because of it.
So of course, I eventually let her know my feelings on this subject. It was not my place to tell her who she could and could not hang out with, but I saw some things that she didn't. This did not go over well since she was convinced that the guy was completely harmless.
She also hated talking about controversial topics with me. I felt that I had to wander into this territory from time to time mostly because of the bad programming she's received from society at large that was making her miserable.
She eventually came to the conclusion that I was some sort of evil racist simply because I have some politically incorrect views (INTJs are infamous at adopting things that work regardless of how people feel about them). Of course, it didn't help the fact that I sarcastically told her "Yeah, I'm racist!" during our last conversation (Another INTJ trait is to make sarcastic comments when an idea is absurd and we can't get though to someone. I was also tired of her calling me crazy constantly over the past few months anways.)
Our last conversation wasn't good at all. It was a complete repeat of scenario #1. The only difference is that this time, I stood my ground. I refused to feed her emotional fit, and I remained calm and rational.
Of course, this was also quite a permanent end. I had offended her to the point where there was absolutely nothing I could say or do to get back on her good side. Again, no forgiveness for me.
--
A few closing points:
-I understand that both of these INFJs were quite young. More stable and mature versions of this type might be that perfect compliment I was hoping for.
-You're only getting my side of the story. While I'm trying to be as objective as possible, it's hard to analyize since you're only getting one side.
-I admit that I might have done some wrong things in scenario #2. I'm not entirely sure what it was, however.
-It appears that these two women assumed that everyone was bad and nasty from the get-go. It's only a matter of time before people show their true colors, and I had apparently done so in both cases. I was tried and sentenced to death without a fair trial even though their anaylses were wrong.
-I can see them coming to these conclusions about most people, but INTJs are not most people. If they had actually understood me properly and still hated me, then I could accept that. However, they were both wrong and refuse to see it any other way.
-They both appear to love steamrolling people like a bully. It must seem to work with most people since these appear to be defense mechanisms that have been adopted quite some time ago. Of course, neither realized that they're dealing with an INTJ which resists any sort of manipulation to the hilt.
-They got so offended and angry that I think I would have gotten off lighter if I had actually just murdered their parents. I'm not exaggerating this rage in the slightest.
-They seem to be great at seeing how people operate under the hood, but they're miscalibrated. I had nothing but good intentions and yet I was identified as the devil. And yet the men they kept running to were nasty types, and they were identified as saints.
Anyways, INFJ rage is scary. I welcome any input from neutral INFJs. As you can tell, these issues have been bothering me for a long time, otherwise I would not have made such a long post.
Just what in the hell happened, and can INFJs be excellent compliments to INTJs if they're more stable and mature?
Thoughts?
Congrats on setting up an INFJ forum. Stick with it for a while, it'll be hard to get people to come around at first.
Anyways, I have some questions about INFJs. There are a few things that have been bothering me for a long time now, and I think talking to some neutral INFJs may help me solve these problems. Please understand that I am not here to judge anyone. I am seeking only to understand just what in the hell happened. Don't be afraid to be blunt and honest. I'm most certainly going to be so in the analysis I'm about to present.
I'm an INTJ. I'm a very rare type, so I don't naturally gel well with most people. I find INFJs to be fascinatingly rich people with an enormous potential to fill very unique niches. That's the problem though; the potential is never realized and something always seems to go wrong. It appears on the surface that an INFJ would be an excellent compliment to me, but it turns out I'm 0 for 2.
--
INFJ #1 - Female, early 20s at the time. I was roughly the same age.
Things built up quickly at the start after I met her through some mutual friends. We seemed to be able to connect with each other and vibe quite well.
She was heavily involved with a man who was at least 10 years older than her at the time. They were not married, but it had progressed to the point where they were living together. Personally, I despised the man. Loud, obnoxious, and tries to flaunt how smart he is. Bases most of his worth on how well he can babble on for hours about absolute nonsense and how much money he makes by working for himself. That's great and all, but most of it was just a cover for how much he's full of shit. Not to mention that I felt he was taking advantage of someone her age (I do not have a problem with people dating across a large age gap, but I really did feel like she wasn't quite at that level yet being just barely 21 and him being 30+.)
Regardless, it was none of my business who she chose to associate with. I could tell that the relationship was starting to wear on her. It just wasn't right for her anymore, and for whatever reason she didn't want to end it. She was quite young at the time, and I believe that it was her first serious relationship. She started seeing this guy at age 16 I think.
I once made a comment to some of our mutual friends about how I was concerned about their relationship. She wasn't happy and needed to take a serious look at things. My intentions were honorable and selfless.
It turns out that was a bad idea. One of the group gossipers didn't like me for whatever reason (most people hate INTJs), and started spreading my remarks around. It had somehow morphed into malicious intent and that I was intentionally trying to sabotage the relationship. This eventually got back to her.
When she heard about this, she got pissed. Livid. Absolutely enraged.
When she eventually confronted me about it, it was nasty. She was basically yelling and screaming at me for over an hour about it. Let me tell you, it was quite intense. Few people can really connect on my level and rattle me like INFJs can.
I was too immature at the time to have handled it properly. I mostly cowered and apologized profusely for things that weren't really my fault and for something that was blown completely out of proportion. I was interested in trying to salvage the relationship since I genuinely liked her. I was also quite pissed that she doubted my integrity like that. She took a known gossiper's word over mine simply because she knew him longer.
That was the end of that relationship. She did cool down after that, but she never forgave me. There was abolustely nothing I could say or do to get back on her good side. So as a true INTJ, I just cut my losses and eventually sank back into the shadows.
--
INFJ #2 - Female, mid 20s at the time. I was a bit older in my late 20s.
The story basically starts out the same. We get long great at first and start building up a friendship. Then, disaster strikes...
This time around was a bit different. It sort of evolved into an informal student/mentor relationship since I was able to connect well with her and she was a bit behind me on the maturity scale. I had already been down the path she had been down, and so I tried to help her through it. I also genuinely enjoy helping people grow and discover their power. I'm pretty big on personal development, so it worked at pretty well at first.
She was going through a pretty crazy period in her life. Going on a million dates with guys (and girls) she met online, sleeping with most of them. She kept running out there trying to get excitement in her life, only to get burned over and over again since she really is an introvert and needs to learn where her limits are. Combine that with the fact that she was out of college, but had no clue what to do with herself, and she really didn't understand how the real world operated. It was complete misery for her, and it was quite painful to watch.
I had been through a lot of the same issues she had (minus the sleeping around part). The world isn't built for INTJs or INFJs, so she quite literally had no other resources to help her rare type out.
There were a multitude of factors that caused this falling out. First, she had always told me that she loved talking to me because while most people would see a brick wall (typical INTJ trait), she didn't and wanted to figure out how I worked. However, this came with the warning that "I may end up hating you once I figure it out."
She also kept running back to a man who was very similiar to the man in secenario #1. I have no idea which specific type this is, but they're most definitely the same. Full of shit, trying to take advantage of a young girl, and really only interested in getting tail. I really have no idea why INFJs appear to be drawn to this particular type as they almost always end up miserable because of it.
So of course, I eventually let her know my feelings on this subject. It was not my place to tell her who she could and could not hang out with, but I saw some things that she didn't. This did not go over well since she was convinced that the guy was completely harmless.
She also hated talking about controversial topics with me. I felt that I had to wander into this territory from time to time mostly because of the bad programming she's received from society at large that was making her miserable.
She eventually came to the conclusion that I was some sort of evil racist simply because I have some politically incorrect views (INTJs are infamous at adopting things that work regardless of how people feel about them). Of course, it didn't help the fact that I sarcastically told her "Yeah, I'm racist!" during our last conversation (Another INTJ trait is to make sarcastic comments when an idea is absurd and we can't get though to someone. I was also tired of her calling me crazy constantly over the past few months anways.)
Our last conversation wasn't good at all. It was a complete repeat of scenario #1. The only difference is that this time, I stood my ground. I refused to feed her emotional fit, and I remained calm and rational.
Of course, this was also quite a permanent end. I had offended her to the point where there was absolutely nothing I could say or do to get back on her good side. Again, no forgiveness for me.
--
A few closing points:
-I understand that both of these INFJs were quite young. More stable and mature versions of this type might be that perfect compliment I was hoping for.
-You're only getting my side of the story. While I'm trying to be as objective as possible, it's hard to analyize since you're only getting one side.
-I admit that I might have done some wrong things in scenario #2. I'm not entirely sure what it was, however.
-It appears that these two women assumed that everyone was bad and nasty from the get-go. It's only a matter of time before people show their true colors, and I had apparently done so in both cases. I was tried and sentenced to death without a fair trial even though their anaylses were wrong.
-I can see them coming to these conclusions about most people, but INTJs are not most people. If they had actually understood me properly and still hated me, then I could accept that. However, they were both wrong and refuse to see it any other way.
-They both appear to love steamrolling people like a bully. It must seem to work with most people since these appear to be defense mechanisms that have been adopted quite some time ago. Of course, neither realized that they're dealing with an INTJ which resists any sort of manipulation to the hilt.
-They got so offended and angry that I think I would have gotten off lighter if I had actually just murdered their parents. I'm not exaggerating this rage in the slightest.
-They seem to be great at seeing how people operate under the hood, but they're miscalibrated. I had nothing but good intentions and yet I was identified as the devil. And yet the men they kept running to were nasty types, and they were identified as saints.
Anyways, INFJ rage is scary. I welcome any input from neutral INFJs. As you can tell, these issues have been bothering me for a long time, otherwise I would not have made such a long post.
Just what in the hell happened, and can INFJs be excellent compliments to INTJs if they're more stable and mature?Thoughts?
