INFJ odd question for an odd situation

pzl2lxie81mc

pzl2lxie81mc

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MBTI
INFJ
Hi, I'm new to this forum and am so happy to find others who approach life in a similar way I do. Like many other INFJs, I haven't had many relationships (one serious, one aborted, one combusted on take-off) and didn't date much of my life, except in the past couple of years (I'm a 37 y/o female). So, to get to the point, I dated someone whom I believe is an ISTP, and feel like I've been through emotional wringers that spit me out and changed me. Previously, I didn't think this was possible. I don't know if I like it. I'd like to say I'm better for it, but I don't know. I find myself oddly disclosing parts of my life I would have never talked to anyone about before...on first dates. And also, doing the vice-versa and asking too straight-to-the-point questions that are completely inappropriate. Has this happen to anyone before? This loss of sense to preserve privacy and stepping on other's boundaries? As an INFJ, I pride myself on being able to maintain balance when interacting with other people and I find myself now doing the opposite.
 
Chickensoup said:
Hi, I'm new to this forum and am so happy to find others who approach life in a similar way I do. Like many other INFJs, I haven't had many relationships (one serious, one aborted, one combusted on take-off) and didn't date much of my life, except in the past couple of years (I'm a 37 y/o female). So, to get to the point, I dated someone whom I believe is an ISTP, and feel like I've been through emotional wringers that spit me out and changed me. Previously, I didn't think this was possible. I don't know if I like it. I'd like to say I'm better for it, but I don't know. I find myself oddly disclosing parts of my life I would have never talked to anyone about before...on first dates. And also, doing the vice-versa and asking too straight-to-the-point questions that are completely inappropriate. Has this happen to anyone before? This loss of sense to preserve privacy and stepping on other's boundaries? As an INFJ, I pride myself on being able to maintain balance when interacting with other people and I find myself now doing the opposite.
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I do this but I've done this since I was 16. I've found in myself that it was because of a kind of trauma that happened that I refused to run from made me want, need, to be truthful and honest to everyone and upfront and open. For the most part people enjoy my company when I do this kind of thing, though there are some that don't. They're not as use to being so open and prefer to be guarded. I will say with my openness I am still very guarded lol... but it is something that I don't think you should be ashamed about. You're dating people who I'm guessing you don't want to just fuck, why not be open and honest and ask questions? If that is bewildering to them or "inappropriate" I'd say fuck em, like literally cause that's the only thing you could do at the end of the night and say you didn't waste time sitting across from them for about an hour lol... or don't fuck em, but know that you're not in the wrong for being who you are.
 
Thanks, DonTaushMe. You're right that it's related to guarding. I'm almost being aggressive now with my openness, thinking it'll have the same effect, but as you pointed out, it tends to have the opposite.
 
Chickensoup said:
I suppose there are three. Has this happened to any INFJs before? Why is it happening? Will it go away?
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Welcome to the forum.

Yay for someone coming along to open you up to questioning your Self. Does this not lead to more inquiry and understanding of your true nature?

It is happening because it's time for you.

Has it happened to me where I opened my mouth and asked too many questions? Oh my yes!

Will it go away? No.... not exactly... what it will do is morph into a more considerate way of asking the questions to effect the person. Your timing of asking the hard questions will get better and better.

INFJs are Change Agents.
 
Kgal - thanks for the food for thought. It's true that I've haven't been good at asking hard questions when it comes to my own relationships, so you're right that this is a positive growth experience. It will take some getting used to and fine tuning. We are indeed change agents.
 
Hi Chickensoup--

I've actually dated quite a bit--I'm older than you. When I was younger, I would often find myself sabotaging first and second dates by saying "dumb" things mostly because of anxiety and ignorance...and partly because I'm an INFJ. (During one first date, while driving to the beach, I actually caught myself describing in detail what the highway department does to all the road kill they pick up!) I made a mental note not to do that anymore! I decided to approach dating as a big learning experience (and Lordy, did I need to learn!) I quit projecting the "marriage-children-retirement-in-Rio" scenario onto every first date and found myself enjoying them much more. It was easier to approach dating as a personal improvement project than a mission to find a life partner. I did end up finding marriage partners, though. Four to be exact. Not all at the same time.
 
1) Yes, I've done this type of thing in the past, (sometimes on purpose; sometimes not).
2) I'd say it's part of who we are. Sometimes I also do this to test people, to see how they react. If they "can't relate" or say nothing, then you have your answer about whether you should continue to talk to them. I tend to drop people "lock, stock, and barrel" if I know there is no potential even for friendship.
3) It can go away if you suppress it. I stopped dating because I realized that the vast majority of people are just using others and looking for short term solutions, whereas INFJs are givers and long-term thinkers... INFJs will inevitably feel used in any relationship, unless they can find another INFJ (not statistically probable). Dating completely wasted my time. I'm glad to be alone.

Putting dating aside for a minute, most of the people who relate best to me are older men (65+) who are happy in their careers and lives (judges, accountants, professors). I think INFJs belong with older people because we are "old souls." Older people tend to be secure in themselves-- nothing to prove; already knowledgeable about how the world really works. I believe that having an intellectual or creative connection to others is a form of love, because you're vibrating on the same wavelength, and bringing out the best in each other. Out of any personality type, I think INFJ has a very high chance of ending up a spinster, but that's because we don't usually need others to complement us in a marriage-- we are already the whole package if we look inside ourselves. :) We may benefit most by having a few close friends and mentors, not spouses.
 
I've come to the conclusion that while me and this ISTP, maybe INTP, had a really amazing intellectual connection, the emotional connection part was not enough for me. I went into overdrive opening myself up much more than I was really comfortable with in hopes of getting more of a connection, but that didn't work. I was confused because he was very open as a person, but also personally disconnected emotionally within himself, so that was difficult to work through. I hated myself a little for that, but see now that I was trying to do the impossible.

Anyway, that was a few years ago and I haven't talked to him since we've stopped dating. Part of my personal growth, I think, is recognizing my own pathology for getting into these kinds of situations, and even more, being able recognize my own emotional needs and learn to cope when they're not met.
 
ISTP wow I can only imagine how you must have been hurt by that type of combo. to answer your question yes I have come to ask these type of direct questions now as well. Being more "seasoned" ....and it most def is the result of trauma and abuse. as an INFj you are very strong...its like this deep pit reservoir of power. this is where this direct comment stuff is coming from, and I bet it scares the shit out of people. I know that when I drink i start spitting out WAY too much truth and people get real real quite. this is a common thing I think for the INFJs

dating is just tough on INFJs its like we wanna skip all the detail game part and get right to the I love you and committed arena and since we are all or nothing its hard to approach someone we like in a "nonchalant" manner. Note that the "nonchalant" is the method to be successful in modern dating.

be weary of the TPs of the world, in many ways they are like INFJ kryptonite. I can see how we admire their nonchalant actions and caring cause frankly we cant do that!!
they have something we dont and that can make them addictive, but they will burn you.
best wishes!
 
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