INFJ Friend Is Done With Me? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

INFJ Friend Is Done With Me?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Cealie, Jul 13, 2019.

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  1. wiredandwound

    wiredandwound Community Member

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    Here is what my intuition is telling me:

    Somehow, word got out about the night you guys almost hooked up, and he heard something at work about it that made him feel very uncomfortable.

    If this is the case, which I am confident that it is, then there is nothing you can do to fix it. The genie is out of the bottle now, and no apology can put it back in.

    You may not think that you ever said something to someone else, but when it comes to women, al I can say is:

    "Communications efficiency can be summed up like this: Telegraph, Telephone, and Tell a Woman".
     
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  2. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Maybe easier said than done type advice... but I'm at a point where if I have to fight or convince you to be my friend--we ain't friends. Relationships should be mutual and just flow. If you have to do a ton of maintenance on it I don't think it's worth the time or energy. Hopefully you find some other people who you naturally and easily click with. But yes, move on.
     
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    #22 acd, Jul 18, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
  3. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    I didn't tell anyone except my sister and she's in a different country and doesn't even know his name. She knows of him by nickname. At work he was on sick leave when it happened and shortly after I resigned then he resigned so he and I never had the opportunity to be at work with each other afterwards.

    Both he and I tended to avoid having work friends as the environment was toxic. And while at work he and I acted professionally, no one would have known we were texting each other at all considering we worked in different departments. In fact I would have resigned earlier if he hadn't told me to stick through it.

    I have a reputation for avoiding gossip so he knows no one has a clue that he and I almost hooked up. I think he feels that what he did that day was disrespectful as he is very against casual sex and said he'd never disrespect me by having sex with me. I think he is ashamed of himself as he doesn't want a relationship yet almost slept with me. He is, I think, ashamed that he could have acted in such a base way and he is very uncomfortable that I accepted the behaviour.

    I think he gets horny around me sometimes and he absolutely loathes that as I am not his type. Perhaps that is why he can't stay around me, due to guilt. I should admit that umm oral sex did happen for a few seconds but he stopped me.
     
  4. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    So I had gotten him an apology gift recently and figured that since he and I started back talking it was ok to offer it. But he said “It's ok". I don't know if thelse means a gift wasn't necessary or that he just doesn't want a gift from me period.

    I'm trying not to cry as I might be leaving the country in a month. This would have a been leaving on a good note. He does not know that I may be leaving in a month's time.

    So I basically said I had no use for the gift and waiting on his response. If he flat out indicates he doesn't want a gift from me then, I'll leave him alone permanently. The idea of me not being able to tell him hurts a lot though.
     
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  5. sassafras

    sassafras Well-known member

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    Oh no, darling. You got him an 'apology gift' despite the gruff way he'd been acting. Even if he accepts the gift, there's a good chance he'll be doing that because its polite... and I worry that you're going to see that as an opening. If you're interested in my opinion, I think you should leave him alone permanently regardless. I really don't think this guy is interested in your friendship and I think your efforts and affections (romantic and friendly) are really being wasted here.
     
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  6. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    I didn't mean the gift in a romantic way. But you're right. He read the messages and hasn't responded so I told him don't worry about it.

    I tried really hard to be his friend and to make things ok. :(

    But I'll try to move on. It really isn't healthy for me.
     
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  7. sassafras

    sassafras Well-known member

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    You and @HorsesIncorporated seem to be going through something similar with these people not texting back tonight :(

    I hope guys find some peace soon.
     
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  8. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    I've already found peace. I'm done with him. I'm going to throw his gift away. I've tried to hard and kept apologising. At this point I want nothing to do with him.
     
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  9. Lady Jolanda

    Lady Jolanda Perpetual state of doubt.
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    Friendships ending hurts. I'm sorry you're going through this Cealie.

    I hope you have some other good friends who you can spend time with instead. Perhaps focussing on them makes this a little easier.
     
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  10. OP
    Cealie

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    Yeah. But it almost feels like he's been punishing me for something. I don't know why. I thought he was a good person. It almost seems like he despises me.

    Hopefully in a month's time I never have to see him again.
     
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  11. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Couldn't you just never see him again starting right now?
     
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  12. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    Yeah I can do that. He can kiss my ass for all I care.
     
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  13. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    That's the spirit!
     
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  14. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    Lol I'm so done with him. It's like something just shut off.
     
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  15. slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    I went through this recently too and I think the problem you're experiencing is actions vs words.

    I struggle with this too because I am an extremely honest and straightforward person. I don't like to hurt people's feelings but I also will never lie to them, so if people approach me point blank and want an straight answer from me even if it might hurt them if they ask me I will tell them.

    Because I live by this philosophy, I often have situations with other people where they SAY one thing but behave opposite of what they said. I kept wanting to corner these people and force them to confess, but usually it doesn't work. There are some people who dislike confrontation so much they cannot be honest.

    What you're looking for is closure. I am the same way. I have a friend who, in my mind, we are no longer friends. I confronted her about it and asked if she was going to resolve this or if I should delete her from my Facebook. She begged me not to and was angry at me, we used to talk every day but now we haven't talked in going on 2 months now which is not ever how our friendship has been.

    For her, the idea of me "ending" things was traumatic. She likes the idea that if she wants to she can rekindle things, even though she has no intention of ever doing so. For me, I needed there to be a decision. But in this circumstance, amazingly, I was able to just pretend we're not Facebook friends anymore and if she ever contacts me I'll tell her that I no longer wish to speak to her.. But I don't think she ever will contact me again.

    What has helped me to get though situations where

    A) one person refuses to communicate honestly
    and
    B) I clearly care more about the other person than they care for me

    Is practice self compassion.

    I like to fall into this trap where I convince myself if I just hold on the person will change their behavior. Now, I think there are actually circumstances where this does happen- someone who is painfully shy for example might take a while to open up. My best friend of 5 years didn't open up until 2 years into our friendship but I never said anything because I just liked her and didn't mind it. When she opened up it was a pleasant surprise. The fact that sometimes people do change their behavior can make it hard to not want to hang on and wait and see.

    The problem with this is that most often, people don't change. And with the situation with my best friend her not opening up didn't hurt or bother me at all. However. In situations, usually romantic, where the person is hurting you because you have feelings and they keep getting stronger and this person won't reciprocate?

    That is when it is time to dig down deep inside and try to figure out why you want this so bad. As well as self compassion like I said. When you think about your issue think:

    Isn't it so sad that I am interested in someone and they aren't returning the same level of interest? This is a really hard situation im in, and it's painful.

    Don't judge yourself: try to validate your emotions and uncover the why's.

    For me, I get hung up on a lack of closure. How I solved this problem was by making an exit plan. I said, well, I'll do x y or z and if these things dont work out I'll sever ties. I'm not telling you to sever ties, either, but I think you know you're in a lot of pain and that you need to ACT.

    you've actually done a lot of acting, and the pain is getting worse because of the fact that nothing you're doing is panning out so the anxiety gets worse. What you need to do is step back, find a nice objective spot in your mind, and think about how much pain you are willing to handle. How much pain do you deserve to handle? There are plenty of people who pine over a single person their whole life. I think you know at this point that the person you love doesn't want to have contact with you, and you have to respect that.

    But are you going to stay hung up on them and hope it'll work out later? Maybe it will. You have to decide and once you make a decision the pain will go away. But if you do decide to purposefully stay hung up on this person that's you're choice and you have to learn to live with it.
     
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  16. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    What you said was so true. But I've decided I'm done with him. I don't deserve what he's doing and I tried so hard to be nice and apologetic. I absolutely hate when people can't be honest and it bugged me even more that he can be brutally honest most times but won't admit that he doesn't see me as a friend and doesn't care. He says I'm the one who's overreacting and acting like a jerk.

    I've reached a point where I don't trust him and that's difficult because I've always felt safe around him. But I just can't trust someone like him. And I'm not even sad about ending things anymore because he has hurt my feelings so many times and has never apologised but when I hurt his feelings I have to apologise. He ruined everything. I mean I was there for him when he was very sick I listened to how he felt offered advice and loaned some funds. But he tried to later on give me double back but I wouldn't accept.

    He says I'm self centred and act like a jerk a lot. Which I don't understand, all I got upset about was him not wanting to hang out and him getting distant. To turn around and say those things is unfair I think. I just hope to never meet someone like him again.

    It's reached a point where even if he apologised and asked to hang out, I'd say no. Nothing he's going to say will change my mind. He's done enough.
     
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  17. April

    April Well-known member

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    That's kind of rude in itself. Women are not the only sex known for spreading things... in fact I know a male that is the world's worst. Stop assuming she did something just because she's a woman.
     
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    #37 April, Jul 21, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2019
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  18. OP
    Cealie

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    I've been thinking and I'm wondering if maybe I came off as clingy to him. I did used to message him everyday or every two days. I still think he acted like an ajole but it could have been his way of getting me to not contact as much.
     
  19. OP
    Cealie

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    So I had decided to give him space then in a moment of weakness I messaged him. He cussed me out and told me to f off and blocked me. So I'm doing just that. I'm beginning to see that he isn't the person I thought he was.
     
  20. JustPhil

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    Maybe try and look at it from his side. He is an INFJ who has made a decision may debate the wisdom of that decision everyday.

    I'll tell you from my viewpoint a similar situation. I stopped seeing a very very good friend several months ago and we have not spoken or seen each other since. For two people that spent much of their day texting each other, going on road trips and shooting the shit it was phenomenal to just ... stop ... contact.

    But I made that decision and after several weeks of soul searching have recognised it is the best decision going forward.

    Guess what? That decision doesn't mean I don't hurt still EVERY SINGLE day. That I don't think about this person EVERY SINGLE day. If this person contacted me now, after all the pain I have been going through and slowly getting back to living a life without them, then I may well explode as well. Its not because I don't want to see them. Its more (for me anyway) that I have done so much work to reconcile my feelings for my decision and start restructuring my life that I cannot bare to be reminded again after all this time. To go back to that place that was just post breakup. To be reminded of your decision, your possible mistake. Hundreds of things in fact.

    So my point after all this is, don't think of that person as different to who you thought they were. Cherish what was, and that people react and think differently when ceasing a relationship with another person.
     
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