Hi so I am INTP female and I have an INFJ guy friend. The friendship lasted about 4 months but he was a co-worker for about a year and a half. He always was quite shy though I personally think he was just putting up a shy front. I made it obvious I liked him so that made him a bit nervous around me. Eventually he started to admit he did find me appealing but he still kept distance.
One day he invited me over and he was really drunk. Things got hot. But somehow he cooled down and told me we should stop because he only has sex in relationships and he just didn't see me that way. The next day he apologised, I thought everything was ok. He and I kept in touch basically everyday since then. The second time I hung out as he place he wasn't as warm and kept saying he was busy.
The third time, he seemed irritated I came over. The next day he told me stop making a habit out of coming over and that week he moved apartments but to this day hasn't told me where. He and I also quit our jobs but he hasn't told me where he works. Also he never wants to hang out. Every time I would ask he would say he's busy until one day he told me that he only hangs out with very few people who he knows very well. This hurt me, badly.
So that week I told him that he and I weren't friends because friends hang out. He said I was being emotional for no reason. I should add that every time he and I text in more than 6 text message intervals he says he's busy. Often he uses unh huh and ok as a response. That hurt. I asked him if I was bothering him and he said no that I'm over thinking things.
But the past month things got really bad, he and I had to meet for him to give me something I had lent and when I asked him for a hug, he said no. Then he sigh and hugged me with a three foot distance between our abdomens.
I confronted him about how his behaviour was changing and he got irritated and said nothing changed and that he was tired of putting up with me saying that stuff. Last week I asked him to go somewhere quiet with me just to chill and be close to nature and he said 'No thank you'''
So that week I told him he and I should sever contact as it was obvious I was getting too attached and that, that wasn't good for either of us. He got upset but I said it doesn't mean I don't care but that it was for the best. So he had to give me something else I had borrowed him, some cash and wanted to meet but I said that he should give it to a friend mine. He got upset but did just that.
However I realised he gave me 50 bucks more. I felt so bad. So I apologised and sent maybe 10 long texts explaining why I said we should cut ties and why im sorry. Which he ignored. I tried calling him but he tested me back saying that I should only contact him in case of emergency.
A few days ago I got a panic attack due to seeing a trigger (someone who treated me really badly, basically abuse). So I texted my friend saying that I was having a panic attack and he never responded. My heart is broken. It seems he's gone. So today I sent he a text basically saying I realise he is done with me and that I'm just glad to have met him.
I just don't know why he couldn't like me even as a friend. He seems to never have liked me and that hurts a lot.
I went through this recently too and I think the problem you're experiencing is actions vs words.
I struggle with this too because I am an extremely honest and straightforward person. I don't like to hurt people's feelings but I also will never lie to them, so if people approach me point blank and want an straight answer from me even if it might hurt them if they ask me I will tell them.
Because I live by this philosophy, I often have situations with other people where they SAY one thing but behave opposite of what they said. I kept wanting to corner these people and force them to confess, but usually it doesn't work. There are some people who dislike confrontation so much they cannot be honest.
What you're looking for is closure. I am the same way. I have a friend who, in my mind, we are no longer friends. I confronted her about it and asked if she was going to resolve this or if I should delete her from my Facebook. She begged me not to and was angry at me, we used to talk every day but now we haven't talked in going on 2 months now which is not ever how our friendship has been.
For her, the idea of me "ending" things was traumatic. She likes the idea that if she wants to she can rekindle things, even though she has no intention of ever doing so. For me, I needed there to be a decision. But in this circumstance, amazingly, I was able to just pretend we're not Facebook friends anymore and if she ever contacts me I'll tell her that I no longer wish to speak to her.. But I don't think she ever will contact me again.
What has helped me to get though situations where
A) one person refuses to communicate honestly
and
B) I clearly care more about the other person than they care for me
Is practice self compassion.
I like to fall into this trap where I convince myself if I just hold on the person will change their behavior. Now, I think there are actually circumstances where this does happen- someone who is painfully shy for example might take a while to open up. My best friend of 5 years didn't open up until 2 years into our friendship but I never said anything because I just liked her and didn't mind it. When she opened up it was a pleasant surprise. The fact that sometimes people do change their behavior can make it hard to not want to hang on and wait and see.
The problem with this is that most often, people don't change. And with the situation with my best friend her not opening up didn't hurt or bother me at all. However. In situations, usually romantic, where the person is hurting you because you have feelings and they keep getting stronger and this person won't reciprocate?
That is when it is time to dig down deep inside and try to figure out why you want this so bad. As well as self compassion like I said. When you think about your issue think:
Isn't it so sad that I am interested in someone and they aren't returning the same level of interest? This is a really hard situation im in, and it's painful.
Don't judge yourself: try to validate your emotions and uncover the why's.
For me, I get hung up on a lack of closure. How I solved this problem was by making an exit plan. I said, well, I'll do x y or z and if these things dont work out I'll sever ties. I'm not telling you to sever ties, either, but I think you know you're in a lot of pain and that you need to ACT.
you've actually done a lot of acting, and the pain is getting worse because of the fact that nothing you're doing is panning out so the anxiety gets worse. What you need to do is step back, find a nice objective spot in your mind, and think about how much pain you are willing to handle. How much pain do you deserve to handle? There are plenty of people who pine over a single person their whole life. I think you know at this point that the person you love doesn't want to have contact with you, and you have to respect that.
But are you going to stay hung up on them and hope it'll work out later? Maybe it will. You have to decide and once you make a decision the pain will go away. But if you do decide to purposefully stay hung up on this person that's you're choice and you have to learn to live with it.
