INFJ Friend Is Done With Me? | INFJ Forum

INFJ Friend Is Done With Me?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Cealie, Jul 13, 2019.

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  1. Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    Hi so I am INTP female and I have an INFJ guy friend. The friendship lasted about 4 months but he was a co-worker for about a year and a half. He always was quite shy though I personally think he was just putting up a shy front. I made it obvious I liked him so that made him a bit nervous around me. Eventually he started to admit he did find me appealing but he still kept distance.

    One day he invited me over and he was really drunk. Things got hot. But somehow he cooled down and told me we should stop because he only has sex in relationships and he just didn't see me that way. The next day he apologised, I thought everything was ok. He and I kept in touch basically everyday since then. The second time I hung out as he place he wasn't as warm and kept saying he was busy.

    The third time, he seemed irritated I came over. The next day he told me stop making a habit out of coming over and that week he moved apartments but to this day hasn't told me where. He and I also quit our jobs but he hasn't told me where he works. Also he never wants to hang out. Every time I would ask he would say he's busy until one day he told me that he only hangs out with very few people who he knows very well. This hurt me, badly.

    So that week I told him that he and I weren't friends because friends hang out. He said I was being emotional for no reason. I should add that every time he and I text in more than 6 text message intervals he says he's busy. Often he uses unh huh and ok as a response. That hurt. I asked him if I was bothering him and he said no that I'm over thinking things.

    But the past month things got really bad, he and I had to meet for him to give me something I had lent and when I asked him for a hug, he said no. Then he sigh and hugged me with a three foot distance between our abdomens.

    I confronted him about how his behaviour was changing and he got irritated and said nothing changed and that he was tired of putting up with me saying that stuff. Last week I asked him to go somewhere quiet with me just to chill and be close to nature and he said 'No thank you'''

    So that week I told him he and I should sever contact as it was obvious I was getting too attached and that, that wasn't good for either of us. He got upset but I said it doesn't mean I don't care but that it was for the best. So he had to give me something else I had borrowed him, some cash and wanted to meet but I said that he should give it to a friend mine. He got upset but did just that.

    However I realised he gave me 50 bucks more. I felt so bad. So I apologised and sent maybe 10 long texts explaining why I said we should cut ties and why im sorry. Which he ignored. I tried calling him but he tested me back saying that I should only contact him in case of emergency.

    A few days ago I got a panic attack due to seeing a trigger (someone who treated me really badly, basically abuse). So I texted my friend saying that I was having a panic attack and he never responded. My heart is broken. It seems he's gone. So today I sent he a text basically saying I realise he is done with me and that I'm just glad to have met him.

    I just don't know why he couldn't like me even as a friend. He seems to never have liked me and that hurts a lot.
     
  2. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

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    Short answer: Yes

    It sucks, but moving away and wanting to spend less and less time communicating and hanging out is pretty telling. It sounds like things were floundering in limbo for a bit with the texts and whatnot, but it doesn’t sound like things are going to improve. Looks like a passive, gradual, waffling doorslam. It’s hard to stay friends with that kind of awkwardness. Process, but move on. Sometimes the stars just don’t align.
     
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  3. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Never hook-up with or date a co-worker.
     
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  4. Peppermint

    Peppermint Well-known member

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    I don't know what his side of the story is, but just based on your version, to be honest he sounds like a shitty person and it doesn't sound like he ever considered you a friend.

    I think you shouldn't waste any more of your emotional/mental resources on him.
     
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  5. Infjente

    Infjente Community Member

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    Hi, and welcome!

    He liked you, it's just that he liked being liked a little more. That's how insecure people act some times, they'll feel good (safe) only when they are "worthy" of being chased/craved and "great" enough to dismiss/turn you down. For your self esteem it's very good news, a) because you wouldn't be confused right now if he never liked you b) because your approval was valuable to him c) because you didn't use the same awful defense back. For your relationship/friendship, it's over as it looks to me. This kind of dynamic will rarely change once it's on.
     
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  6. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition Well-known member

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    It sounds like he was done with you after the second time you went to his place but he didn't have the guts to be honest with you. To me it seems like he was passive aggressively trying to ward you off so you would get "the hint" and became increasingly more cold because you kept coming around. This is not your fault. Based on what you've written it sounds like you have given him many opportunities to be honest with you about how he was feeling and whether or not he wanted you as part of his life. At any point he could have said that he thought it would be better if you didn't see each other anymore or didn't speak but instead he dragged the whole situation out.

    I really have no respect at all for people who do this kind of thing. INFJ or not he sounds like the type of person you could ever have an honest dialogue with because he doesn't want to behave like a grownup and have those difficult conversations.

    It really sucks that you got hurt in this situation. Just know that if he came back around again this would likely be a pattern of behaviour with him that you would continue to experience and it would just be painful for you to have to continuously deal with.
     
  7. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    He said I acted like a jerk at times but..it was just me being upset because he was pulling away ie not wanting to hang out with me or chatting less. I think it's normal to be a bit hurt by that. I just wanted him to be comfortable around me as he had some sweetness in him. Like when I had quit he offered me 900 bucks to help out and he also searched for job vacancies for me, and was going to search for scholarships. The whole thing is very confusing.
     
  8. sassafras

    sassafras Well-known member

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    This is along the lines of what I was thinking too: he liked the attention that OP was giving him (which they described as an obvious romantic interest) but he wasn't actually interested in pursuing things further. If he actually cared about OP and their feelings, he would have told OP point blank that this was only going to be a friendship, but the ambiguous waffling back and forth, being friendly but not too friendly and acting upset when you were trying to cut things off suggests that you were a comfortable source of ego.
     
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  9. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    Well he did say he wasn't interested in a relationship. I tried to show him that I could be a friend. I even started referring to him as my brother (not in front of others as he and I seldom met) and he didn't seem to mind.

    The whole thing just hurts a lot.
     
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  10. dwr46y

    dwr46y Well-known weirdo

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    Well, I'm done with your friend, and that's all that matters
     
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  11. Peppermint

    Peppermint Well-known member

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    A while ago a friend of 2 years unceremoniously dumped me from his life. He was also very nice and helpful and nothing seemed amiss until things suddenly boiled over.

    I know it hurts and leaves you confused but it will get better.

    However the way I look at it, if someone doesn't want me in their life anymore, I sure as fuck don't want them in mine any more either.
     
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  12. Morticia D

    Morticia D Newbie

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    He told you that he was not interested in you romantically. And it seemed like remaining friends with you would be problematic if you had feelings for him and you might keep pushing for more than something platonic.

    He was not that into you. That most likely would not have changed. It possibly might have but not with continued pressure from you. Perhaps he should have blown you off in a more obvious way but this is not INFJ style. But you could not hear him so things got very awkward for him, and after it got worse he just avoided you.

    Probably not a good idea for you to pursue anymore INFJs because hooking up is not our style, and if you have trouble accepting how we communicate, this does not help either.

    And, yes. You definitely got the INFJ doorslam.
     
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  13. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    I know, I'm moving on but somehow I feel guilt. When I told him to sever ties he changed his status to 'it has begun'. But I'll try to move on. Sorry you had to go through what you did with your friend.
     
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  14. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    That's the sad part. I really did just want to be friends. I accepted he didn't like me any other way other than as a friend. I wanted the friendship to grow. I was starting to think of him as a brother or a potential bestie. I mean I did have sexual attraction for him but that was not my focus. I didn't want to risk the friendship that way.

    I actually apologised for what had happened the night he got drunk and I promised to never make him go through something like that again. And I meant that.

    I was only pushing to hang out as I felt safe and comfortable with him. I wanted to hang out just as friends. But ever since that night he got drunk..He just changed completely. But he denied he changed which was a flat out lie.
     
  15. Morticia D

    Morticia D Newbie

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    Sounds like a really complex situation!
    It's possible he was feeling a lot of shame or discomfort about that sexual experience so any kind of relationship with you would be problematic. It sounds like you did your best to try to put things straight and the problem was with him. Perhaps he even feels that something like that might happen again because he is attracted to you but does not see a longer term relationship. We can only speculate.

    Things like this happen that leave us disappointed and unable to get closure. We hurt and we may not always be sure what went wrong, yet we need to move on and not let it negatively affect future relationships. Not easy!
     
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  16. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    I considered that as well and it feels unfair that he wouldn't at least test it out. I reassured him that I would never do something like that again. He has unusually good self control so I think he is capable of behaving gentlemanly around me. I think if people really respect each other they can push aside sexual attraction. It felt like he didn't trust me to behave and that hurt a lot.
     
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  17. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    He came back. I had told him I'd block him or he can block me as I had to moved on. He texted me back annoyed. He thinks I'm overreacting and that I need help.

    As twisted as that sounds, I think it was his way of saying I should rethink things and that severing ties was a drastic thing to think of. He does not understand why I would have thought of cutting ties. He was very annoyed at that.

    I've decided that I'll only talk to him when he initiates and that I'll focus on my other friendships. It's strange but his emotions seem all locked up. It seems maybe he sees me as a source of warmth and I think he feels like I'm a nice pick-me-up. A place to rest his head for a minute when he feels down, so to speak.
     
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  18. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    I think you need to let it go. You're not good for each other.

    He gave signal after signal that he wasn't into you from the beginning and it sounds like you may have pressured him until he caved and you fooled around, but then he stepped back and said that wasn't what he wanted. After that, you kept pressuring him and he kept passively giving signals that he wasn't into you, even as a friend. He even said, "No, thank you," to hanging out alone with you. So, honestly, you were crossing boundaries and ignoring his repeated requests and signals to leave him alone. You didn't respect those requests.

    The weird thing is that he seemed to like the attention, because when you disappeared he lured you back. That is unhealthy. The whole situation is unhealthy. Move on and find a man who is into you and different friends. You'll both be better for it.
     
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  19. OP
    Cealie

    Cealie Newbie

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    Thing is in the beginning I had a huge crush on him. Which he suspected, he said I came on heavy. But it didn't bother him too much as he would reach out when if I fell ill for a few days and would allow me to eat his cake slices when colleagues had birthdays as he knew I had a sweet tooth. He always offered them and I couldn't resist.

    Months later I verbally pinned him into finding out how he felt towards me through flirty questions. I referred to it as some truth game thing. During which he confessed that he did find me rather attractive and for a few weeks he and I flirted until that day when things went too far. After which he changed and didn't want to hang out and became distant in texts.

    I think he was ashamed because he was really wild that day, sex didn't happen but it was pretty close to happening. His hands were all over me and he lifted me up even. Needless to say he vowed for something like that to never happen. Alcohol is something else smh. I'm not proud of the incident either especially considering...I wasn't drunk. I've apologised profusely since that day and he says it's in the past. I still feel guilty but have maintained platonic vibes.

    About the friends thing, he said he and I were friends. He knows I am bugged by him not wanting to hang out but I think it's partly due to the 'incident' which he probably isn't over yet and maybe he has some residual urges towards me that he wants to squash.

    The dynamic is very strange and sometimes I feel like he and I are becoming almost like siblings in the way we bicker, barely hang out but still to a degree miss each other. Not sure if that's the correct term but I have never really come across or heard of a dynamic similar to his and mine.

    I do agree that it isn't a healthy relationship.
     
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  20. wiredandwound

    wiredandwound Community Member

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    This sounds like there is missing context. People just don't get irritated for no reason.

    I'm not saying it's your fault, but there is obviously something else not being addressed.

    People have the right to not want to be with someone. Especially when dealing with INFJs.

    Persisting is a no no. If he did not want to give you a reason - though kind of rude - is entirely his prerogative.

    I can tell you for certain, that when an INFJ says "I don't want to talk about it", means "figure it out for yourself, I'm done". If the INFJ is pushed into the explanation, then hold on to your hat, girl. It's going to get very real up in here.
     
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