INFJ ex-bf moved on really fast

milkandhoney23 said:
Honestly, yeah.. this is like my ex and I. I love INFJ's but this doorslamming thing and the other negative shit are not so great. I've always thought it was kind of unfair.
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thank you! seriously, i have never heard an infj cop to this. you must not be infj
 
milkandhoney23 said:
Is it common for INFJ's to doorslam?

During my relationship my ex has attempted something similar but less harsh. He would ignore/block me/breakup rather than talk to me whenever there's conflict (It was over small, emotional, immature shit. No one cheated or anything extreme like that).

I personally think doorslamming is appropriate only when the person being slammed is far beyond toxic/dangerous/hurtful (someone far beyond repair or they literally have no good qualities). Other than that, if it was someone who fucked up a couple times, I usually have a talk with them and fix things. If they fucked up too many times, I'd be disappointed and upset; I'd leave them be and they can deal with themselves. However, these people are always welcomed back in my world if they prove to me that they've changed and they're sincere about it. I have a pretty open heart/mind about things. Life is too short to be resentful and not everything is permanent.
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perhaps, i should not give up on intjs romantically
 
ClevelandINTP said:
thank you! seriously, i have never heard an infj cop to this. you must not be infj
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Haha, that's because I'm not. I'm an INTJ. My ex is the INFJ. He's the one who introduced me to Myers Brigg personality types and although I thought it was bullshit, some of the descriptions were fairly accurate to a certain extent. Ever since then, I looked up INFJ and how they're like just to understand my ex more and why he does the things he does.

It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one who has considered these issues though. For the most part, everything the INFJ does is justified by everyone while some of these things never balanced out in my mind. I couldn't make sense of how some of these things were right.
 
milkandhoney23 said:
Haha, that's because I'm not. I'm an INTJ. My ex is the INFJ. He's the one who introduced me to Myers Brigg personality types and although I thought it was bullshit, some of the descriptions were fairly accurate to a certain extent. Ever since then, I looked up INFJ and how they're like just to understand my ex more and why he does the things he does.

It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one who has considered these issues though. For the most part, everything the INFJ does is justified by everyone while some of these things never balanced out in my mind. I couldn't make sense of how some of these things were right.
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philostam said:
I am sorry to hear that, it's not an easy situation.

My approach in this kind of circumstances was usually to retreat and go into my "philosopher" mode, where I read, think, listen to music, daydream etc. You have to find some meaning that sustains you, and some philosophy of life that justifies the suffering. (This approach can lead to rumination and overthinking, which is not ideal, but I am just not the type that would go to a bar and "let it out" via drinking, fighting or something of that sort).

After a while, hopefully, you will put yourself back together and be a wiser and deeper person.
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Thank you, sir. The way you approach things in a philosophical way reminds me of him. He is also somewhat of a philosopher/stoic, very into philosophy and deep thinking. I know this sounds pathetic but my meaning in life was him and family; he was basically family. I lived to work towards that goal of having a nice house, job, and family with this guy. That was my meaning in life that kept me going through shitty times. I loved that man so much, but now I've got to pivot from that life goal. I need to be successful for MYSELF and my parents.

I've recently picked up a book on Meditations by Marcus Aurelius to try to incorporate stoic principles into my life. My ex was really into that and it helped him with his issues and anxieties.
 
milkandhoney23 said:
What happened with you?
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i don't have issues with intjs romantically per se. they generally get that were both not into the feelings thing and can just be direct. we both understand the need for space. they're good listeners and can be freaky. i get to be the spontaneous, creative wild-card, etc. they were loyal and even told me they loved me. was dating one for brief while, but they weren't as feel-y and for whatever reason i thought i needed more feelings from a partner

i am re-evaluating my position on that

they did go a little psycho on me after i broke it off. in hindsight, i actually did enjoy not having so many feelings in the day-to-day management of the relationship. like we could always at the end come to a rational approach to things which i found comforting
 
ClevelandINTP said:
i don't have issues with intjs romantically per se. they generally get that were both not into the feelings thing and can just be direct. we both understand the need for space. they're good listeners and can be freaky. i get to be the spontaneous, creative wild-card, etc. they were loyal and even told me they loved me. was dating one for brief while, but they weren't as feel-y and for whatever reason i thought i needed more feelings from a partner

i am re-evaluating my position on that

they did go a little psycho on me after i broke it off. in hindsight, i actually did enjoy not having so many feelings in the day-to-day management of the relationship. like we could always at the end come to a rational approach to things which i found comforting
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I'm an INTJ and I want all the feels.

ClevelandINTP said:
not a perfect analogy on behavior so i'm sure this will get played with, but humor me...

it's like how small dogs can be more vicious than big dogs. the small dogs are seen as small; therefore, they get away with things. whereas if the big dog acts out, it gets disciplined much more

that's how i feel about infjs
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Yup. INFJs are like the women of MBTI. *cough*
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
I'm an INTJ and I want all the feels.


Yup. INFJs are like the women of MBTI. *cough*
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Oh, they wanted feels, too. It's not that they didn't have feelings, they just don't show it in a way that made it seem that way. And when they did, it was slightly awkward. They even disclosed that they were working on a way to be more feel-y because I think they have had challenges with that in relationships in the past. It's not even necessarily a bad thing. And trust me, if there is any type that can empathize with being labelled as needing more feelings, it's INTP

I was dating an ENFP at the time, too, and frankly, I get why people opt for an ENFP for romantic relationships. That honeymoon phase is about being spontaneous, flirty and fun which an ENFP is pretty much wired for. That and Ne x Ne can talk for several hours non-stop

Laughter and adventure are aphrodisiacs, and I felt in dating an INTJ that was ALL on me. Which was good in a way because my dominant extroverted function is supposed to be adventurous and fun, and what a wonderful way to take charge

INTJ was better at sex though dear god

INFJs are more and more less appealing to me from a dating perspective
 
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ClevelandINTP said:
i don't have issues with intjs romantically per se. they generally get that were both not into the feelings thing and can just be direct. we both understand the need for space. they're good listeners and can be freaky. i get to be the spontaneous, creative wild-card, etc. they were loyal and even told me they loved me. was dating one for brief while, but they weren't as feel-y and for whatever reason i thought i needed more feelings from a partner

i am re-evaluating my position on that

they did go a little psycho on me after i broke it off. in hindsight, i actually did enjoy not having so many feelings in the day-to-day management of the relationship. like we could always at the end come to a rational approach to things which i found comforting
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Sometimes we pair better with people alike so that we understand each other completely and other times, we pair better with opposites so that each person makes up for something the other lacks. I do enjoy my types though because like you've said, they think and act rationally. Everything is direct and honest regardless of how harsh the truth is; something my ex had a hard time bringing himself to do because he didn't want to feel bad or guilty. Just like you, I do need someone with feelings once in a while. It's not fun when we're both like robots.

You're right about the feelings. I'm an extremely loving and loyal individual but I don't display a lot of feelings/emotions. I don't know if you get what I mean but I hold an unconditional love for someone but I have a bit of trouble expressing those feelings. I don't say "I love you" everyday and my ex thought I didn't love him because of that. I actually show my love through all my actions; everything I do for them and us. I won't go into detail about the psycho part, but you're also kind of right on that. I'm not sure if it's all but I think many INTJ's have psycho tendencies. I think this act comes out when they feel fucked over/treated unfairly. This is based on personal experience..
 
milkandhoney23 said:
Sometimes we pair better with people alike so that we understand each other completely and other times, we pair better with opposites so that each person makes up for something the other lacks. I do enjoy my types though because like you've said, they think and act rationally. Everything is direct and honest regardless of how harsh the truth is; something my ex had a hard time bringing himself to do because he didn't want to feel bad or guilty. Just like you, I do need someone with feelings once in a while. It's not fun when we're both like robots.

You're right about the feelings. I'm an extremely loving and loyal individual but I don't display a lot of feelings/emotions. I don't know if you get what I mean but I hold an unconditional love for someone but I have a bit of trouble expressing those feelings. I don't say "I love you" everyday and my ex thought I didn't love him because of that. I actually show my love through all my actions; everything I do for them and us. I won't go into detail about the psycho part, but you're also kind of right on that. I'm not sure if it's all but I think many INTJ's have psycho tendencies. I think this act comes out when they feel fucked over/treated unfairly. This is based on personal experience..
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You're right on all accounts. Hope you find someone that appreciates who you are
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
I'm an INTJ and I want all the feels.


Yup. INFJs are like the women of MBTI. *cough*
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Same. I wish I could have both brains and feels, but since I already have brains myself... I'll take the feels from someone else. You know -- it was always a running joke between my ex and I that he's the woman of the relationship and I'm the man. He's extremely sensitive and emotional, much like a woman. Loves fashion and aesthetics. He's a smart guy, but not smarter than me. Sometimes he's like a baby (in a cute way) and I took care of him; I was capable of taking on a lot more things than he did... I showed him how to change tires and fixed shit around his house (that even his dad couldn't do). He likes english and philosophy and I like math and science.
Even though he thought this was funny, I'm not sure if he would rather be the man in the relationship or be the woman. I mean I'd like it if someone else wore the pants, but it's not a big deal for me because I enjoy having taking on a leadership role.
 
ClevelandINTP said:
I was dating an ENFP at the time, too, and frankly, I get why people opt for an ENFP for romantic relationships. That honeymoon phase is about being spontaneous, flirty and fun which an ENFP is pretty much wired for. That and Ne x Ne can talk for several hours non-stop
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I've never been with an extroverted person before so I can't imagine what it's like. Do you think after the honeymoon phase, the other person (introvert) will get worn out? I enjoy some extroversion in my life, but not sure if I want that all the time.
 
milkandhoney23 said:
I've never been with an extroverted person before so I can't imagine what it's like. Do you think after the honeymoon phase, the other person (introvert) will get worn out? I enjoy some extroversion in my life, but not sure if I want that all the time.
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Yes, but I don't know if it's the extroversion or the emotions or a combination of the two. It's actually what ended up being our downfall. They were pretty emotionally demanding, and I put my foot down one night and was like I need space to do this, and I can't be emotionally on all the time. They decided they needed that and were put off by my at-times deflections of being emotional. And of course, they did the emotional thing, broke up and tried to come back
 
ClevelandINTP said:
Mind you, we hung out like 3-4x a week for several hours day and night. It's not like I wasn't giving them time or romance
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OK so there are clear differences between you two. One needs a lot of attention and stimulation while the other one needs to relax. It's not like this relationship wouldn't work out though. It all depends on how the two try to work accordingly to these differences. Like -- she could divert her need for more stimulation/attention on hobbies or friends and be work on being more understanding of your needs to relax. Easier said than done though.

Specifically how were they emotionally demanding?
 
milkandhoney23 said:
OK so there are clear differences between you two. One needs a lot of attention and stimulation while the other one needs to relax. It's not like this relationship wouldn't work out though. It all depends on how the two try to work accordingly to these differences. Like -- she could divert her need for more stimulation/attention on hobbies or friends and be work on being more understanding of your needs to relax. Easier said than done though.

Specifically how were they emotionally demanding?
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I enjoy stimulation quite a bit, and frankly, I enjoyed more intense stimulation than they did I think. It was the modulation of it more than anything. She even thought I was an extrovert which I constantly had to correct and say when I extrovert I can do it in a way that can appear to be more extroverted than even extroverts. Like they could be a steady extrovert all the time whereas mine was in bursts, and I needed time to recharge

You're right--it is workable if the two can understand that. I should rephrase our downfall was similar to yours in that they broke up with me three times. On the third time, I just said no thanks. Can't work on it if one party is quitting and throwing tantrums every time they don't get what they want

The emotionally demanding part was constantly wanting me to open up. I am notorious for one word responses which I admit are emotional deflections; however, I am fairly certain if I said something like "I don't have the capacity to respond and engage right now", the outcomes would be fairly similar
 
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