INFJ ex-bf moved on really fast

[ClevelandINTP]

An imbalanced relationship is two people who are better off without each other.

there will never be a balanced relationship with those expectations and uneven standards of behavior

so you're saying whoever holds those will never or rarely be in a relationship

i think you're over-idealizing quite a bit and could be, dare i say, more open minded

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

I am however referring to marriage on paper. Union in love is something else.

I agree with this.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

INFJs take a looooooong time to find love and an even longer time nurturing it. Sometimes, even when it's wrong, they still do it. That indicates a personal problem in emotional growth. That indicates not being ripe for love,

Yep!

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

there will never be a balanced relationship with those expectations and uneven standards of behavior

Then you need a different relationship

 

[ClevelandINTP]

Then you need a different relationship

that is one logical conclusion. another could be maturity and acceptance of each other's individuality. i'm more on the side of the latter

which is something i find paradoxal of infjs. they generally are highly individualistic which would assume a high degree of acceptance. but then they aren't

 

[ClevelandINTP]

am i the only infj here

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

that is one logical conclusion. another could be maturity and acceptance of each other's individuality. i'm more on the side of the latter

Perhaps the feelings were not mutual. There's nothing wrong with that. I still don't think you have been 'officially' doorslammed. At least from what you say, I can't really tell. But when you are really doorslammed, you will know and understand that it was you that failed because the infj will tell you again and again and again and again that "blah blah blah" is not acceptable. You will have an opportunity to improve the situation. You will even be directed on how to remedy the situation. An infj will articulate the problem in easy to understand terms and allow it to be fixed, before a doorslam occurs. It's not an imbalanced relationship. It's not a mystery. If anything the infj puts up with more shit that your average person.

which is something i find paradoxal of infjs. they generally are highly individualistic which would assume a high degree of acceptance. but then they aren't

Yes, this is true. They are accepting of many different flavors. However, romantic relationships are not the same as friendship, acquaintances, strangers.

It seems that you are having a tough time understanding what a 'doorslam' is. A healthy infj will inform you many times of a situation that needs a remedy. You will have more than a healthy amount of opportunities to address the situation in any way you seem fit. If you refuse or if you are not capable of trying or able to do anything, goodbye. The doorslam is a long process, but it is not a mystery.

Perhaps you have been ghosted of simply broken up with? What is the situation with which you struggle?

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

am i the only infj here

Yes.

 

[ClevelandINTP]

Perhaps the feelings were not mutual. There's nothing wrong with that. I still don't think you have been 'officially' doorslammed. At least from what you say, I can't really tell. But when you are really doorslammed, you will know and understand that it was you that failed because the infj will tell you again and again and again and again that "blah blah blah" is not acceptable. You will have an opportunity to improve the situation. You will even be directed on how to remedy the situation. An infj will articulate the problem in easy to understand terms and allow it to be fixed, before a doorslam occurs. It's not an imbalanced relationship. It's not a mystery. If anything the infj puts up with more shit that your average person.


Yes, this is true. They are accepting of many different flavors. However, romantic relationships are not the same as friendship, acquaintances, strangers.

It seems that you are having a tough time understanding what a 'doorslam' is. A healthy infj will inform you many times of a situation that needs a remedy. You will have more than a healthy amount of opportunities to address the situation in any way you seem fit. If you refuse or if you are not capable of trying or able to do anything, goodbye. The doorslam is a long process, but it is not a mystery.

Perhaps you have been ghosted of simply broken up with? What is the situation with which you struggle?

it is imbalanced if almost everything i say gets scrutinized and or misunderstood without asking for clarity. and if the reactions to things are disproportional, or, even worse, used against me. and especially if i'm affording them more grace. like if someone literally points out a physical feature on me directed at me vs. i say something about bad teeth on a movie and they freak out because they think i'm talking about them when there's nothing to suggest that. or instead of asking me for clarity about something, they unleash all kinds of verbal violence which i'm sure would not even remotely be acceptable from me. imbalanced, vague and cruel

i've been physically and verbally attacked by infjs... multiple. never any other type. well, maybe intj (barely, and it was one and a unique situation even though they were out of line)

i assure you my actions didn't deserve those responses

i'd love to talk about relationships vs friendships because i don't think there's as much of a difference on fundamental levels

 

[ClevelandINTP]

intense, sensitive and sadistic is quite a combination

 

[ClevelandINTP]

I saw this on a blog, thought i'd share it here. It's long but i thought it was worth it. Random thoughts welcome.


Shadow of INFJs: I'm queen bitch of the universe and you WILL listen to me.
-----

Yep. That self righteous bitchiness? That's what makes us ugly.

---

In the unlikely event you have betrayed an INFJ, cut deeply through their hearts then watch out - because nothing is more frightening than seeing one get their all. Afterall, Jesus was apparently an model INFJ. That's right. Beware the scorch. You get him angry and he'll go locust on your arse.
---

INFJ Anger style: The incorruptible ninja on a vendetta:

It means facing your fears and exposing the grittiness of your own human existence. Sound familiar INFJ? Okay, it sounds like martyr-dom and yes, it is. An INFJ knows ALL about martyrdom.

In extremely threatening cases, an INFJ can go all angry ninja style on anybody's arse. And i mean emotionally. They will cut you up and hang you out to dry. Emotionally. That is the key word here.

taken straight from infjs.com

sounds about right

 

[mintoots]

there will never be a balanced relationship with those expectations and uneven standards of behavior

so you're saying whoever holds those will never or rarely be in a relationship

i think you're over-idealizing quite a bit and could be, dare i say, more open minded

Not never. They are most likely to be in a relationship. Human need. but, the relationship won't necessarily solve their problems attitude or whatever.

People can work it out but there will be wounds and scars and possibly even a bloodbath. Honestly, you go through all that for people you love if it continues to uplift both of you. It can't ever be just one of you.

When one wants out, it could be that they can't see themselves going through hoops for the other anymore.

 

[mintoots]

that is one logical conclusion. another could be maturity and acceptance of each other's individuality. i'm more on the side of the latter

which is something i find paradoxal of infjs. they generally are highly individualistic which would assume a high degree of acceptance. but then they aren't

You could. Sure. But you can't impose this choice on the other. It has to be a mutual choice. Mutual benefit. Balanced relationship.

 

[ClevelandINTP]

You could. Sure. But you can't impose this choice on the other. It has to be a mutual choice. Mutual benefit. Balanced relationship.

the other option is ending, so no relationship. so null balance

 

[ClevelandINTP]

Not never. They are most likely to be in a relationship. Human need. but, the relationship won't necessarily solve their problems attitude or whatever.

People can work it out but there will be wounds and scars and possibly even a bloodbath. Honestly, you go through all that for people you love if it continues to uplift both of you. It can't ever be just one of you.

When one wants out, it could be that they can't see themselves going through hoops for the other anymore.

yeah

 

[philostam]

I am sorry to hear that, it's not an easy situation.

My approach in this kind of circumstances was usually to retreat and go into my "philosopher" mode, where I read, think, listen to music, daydream etc. You have to find some meaning that sustains you, and some philosophy of life that justifies the suffering. (This approach can lead to rumination and overthinking, which is not ideal, but I am just not the type that would go to a bar and "let it out" via drinking, fighting or something of that sort).

After a while, hopefully, you will put yourself back together and be a wiser and deeper person.

 

[Reason]

I doorslammed doorslamming years ago therefore I am immortal now.

I am an internet badass and so can you!

Spoiler

(I don't know how to respond so I'm just trying to lighten the mood a bit)

 

[milkandhoney23]

Aish. Doorslamming is healthy for the emotionally intense. Door slam for manipulation is something else.

Is it common for INFJ's to doorslam?

During my relationship my ex has attempted something similar but less harsh. He would ignore/block me/breakup rather than talk to me whenever there's conflict (It was over small, emotional, immature shit. No one cheated or anything extreme like that).

I personally think doorslamming is appropriate only when the person being slammed is far beyond toxic/dangerous/hurtful (someone far beyond repair or they literally have no good qualities). Other than that, if it was someone who fucked up a couple times, I usually have a talk with them and fix things. If they fucked up too many times, I'd be disappointed and upset; I'd leave them be and they can deal with themselves. However, these people are always welcomed back in my world if they prove to me that they've changed and they're sincere about it. I have a pretty open heart/mind about things. Life is too short to be resentful and not everything is permanent.

 

[milkandhoney23]

the fact that one is given amnesty for a doorslam or is at least given more grace because they are sensitive sets a double standard. it implies one should be treated differently by being aware of one's sensitivities while the other less-sensitive person is not afforded the same. it's a double standard

this is literally "the beef" i have with infjs. i don't know why they generally cannot see this imbalance

Honestly, yeah.. this is like my ex and I. I love INFJ's but this doorslamming thing and the other negative shit are not so great. I've always thought it was kind of unfair.

 

[milkandhoney23]

I doorslammed doorslamming years ago therefore I am immortal now.

I am an internet badass and so can you!

Spoiler

(I don't know how to respond so I'm just trying to lighten the mood a bit)

That's something I'd be prideful of... internet badass but a pussy ass bitch in real life, haha.

Deep down in my troll heart, I want to send my ex what you just said about doorslamming doorslams to null his doorslam. I know he'd most likely get super offended and angry though, haha. If I told him this shit during our relationship, he'd laugh his ass off. It's funny how things are right now...